Story Notes: The Wizard of Whitetail Woods · 3:09am Apr 2nd, 2019
Y’all recall how for the last six years I’ve done the Derpy Accidentally a Portal Gun series?
Probably not for most of you, which is a shame. Y’all missed out on Derpy meeting Chell, Derpy shooting a Barrett, Amethyst Star (aka Sparkler) murderizing a bunch of humans, John Kaisch being portalized for the sake of consistency, Amethyst Star murderizing one specific human (as well as a bunch of others), My Little Amethyst, and various other bits of weirdness.
Anyhow, I ended that series and replaced it with this. I can’t say yet if it’s an improvement, but it’s different.
For anyone wondering about the rating, I wanted to ensure I avoided the wrath of the mods.
Especially since Wanderer D knows more or less where I live.
So here we go into the actual story!
In regards to several comments regarding inspiration for the wizard, I had none in particular. He’s not based off any specific wizard in any fiction, competent or otherwise.
Also, although it didn’t come up in the story, he doesn’t originate from Whitetail Woods. He just picked the name ‘cause it was alliterative.
The cover art itself is from an old MLP comic, which you can find on Derpibooru. In that comic, AJ winds up killing the wizard, which in all fairness, I think she’d do to this one, too. So he’s probably lucky that he got KitKat as his travelling partner.
Incidentally, in case this isn’t internationally known, both KitKat and Mr. Goodbar are the names of chocolates sold in the US. There might be full-sized Mr. Goodbars available somewhere, I don’t know; they usually just show up around Halloween in fun-sized.
All of the Wizard’s spoken spells are Harry Potter spells, misinterpreted.
The Wurstbraterei is from a long-running German TV show, which I have never watched. Found its name on a wikipedia list of fictional bars . . . this is lazy researching at its finest.
The idea that the wizard didn’t know she was a unicorn [delicately dancing around this, for spoiler reasons] was suggested by a friend, to which I immediately replied, “How would he not know? Did she wear a bag over her head?” And then I got to thinking about it, and I remembered Billy Bob Thorton’s character in Bad Santa.
A firkin is an obscure measure of a volume of beer. Specifically, it’s 9 gallons in the US system, and 10.8 in the Imperial, or 34/41 liters for you metric folks. If you’re thinking of the hobbitses, that would be 72 to 97 and dregs pints. Probably enough to put a horse under a table, in all honesty.
In case it wasn’t clear in the text, one of the ways to do the coin through the table trick is to use two coins, one in each hand. The ‘wrong’ coin is palmed. The coins should be as identical as possible, obviously, unless you’re performing the trick for a complete rube who’s also been drinking.
Illuminated manuscripts were what the monks made back in the day.
Ironically, depending on your view of pony printing technology, a modern Playboy might be higher-quality than the best actual illuminated manuscript in all of Equestria.
Also, incidentally, the November 2009 Playboy does feature Marge Simpson on the cover, and as the centerfold. Obviously, I can’t link that, but if you don’t believe me, look it up.
Jackalopes are fictional creatures, rabbits with antlers.
They are also canon. The normal ones are peaceful creatures, whereas the vampiric ones will eat ponies. They’ll also, according to one of the comics, fight Chupacabras for the right to eat ponies.
Isn’t nature fascinating?
Dauw is one of the names of the Burchell's zebra. It was thought to be extinct but it turns out it probably isn’t based on DNA testing. It’s also apparently--according to Wikipedia--the only species of zebra which may be legally farmed for human consumption.
And here’s probably a good place to point out that if a zebra eats you, that’s not cannibalism. Also, I don’t think I’d trust the bird on his back, either.
Green fruitworms are really a thing that exists. I’m imagining that they have the same texture as gummy worms, and a green apple flavor (like the green apple Jolly Ranchers). That’s probably not true at all, but I’m not going to burst my bubble by actually researching how they taste.
And I’ll say here that I do kind of feel bad for what happens to the green fruitworms in this story. I mean, they’re worms, so it’s hard to feel too bad about them, but still. All they wanted to do was munch on leaves and be left alone.
Brazilian Wandering Spiders, or phoneutria nigriventer, really do exist. I’d post a picture, but I suspect at least one of my readers would punch right through the computer screen out of pure reflex. Y’all can google them on your own.
I don’t know if they’d actually eat green fruitworms (although I bet they would if they were sour apple flavor), but I do know from an episode of Smarter Every Day that they can cause priapism in males, and that is a thing that you don’t want to have. Oh, and the venom can kill you, too.
It is a proven fact that Equestria is a globe.
Also, yes, before anyone asks, I’m concurrently working on the thing you’re waiting for; that explanatory state of the author blog will come. Probably a month late like everything else, the way things are looking right now.
Yeah, I hadn't commented on it, but I remember seeing the art on that story and thinking "Hey wait, isn't that from that old comic where AppleJack murderizes some old guy?" (IIRC it's even a properly licensed comic of some sort even, meant to explain the twinkle-eye ponies, not just someone's old fancomic or something... Now that I think about it, weren't the twinkle-eye ponies also mentioned in one of the G4 comics?) Let me guess, the correct reply to AppleJack murderizing some old guy is not "Silly pony AppleJack."?
Duck Hunt sound effects, faintly, in the distance.
That's an adorable picture. But Equestria is totally a disk.
A bit less obscure in the UK, its a fairly common name for a pub (usually x and firkin in some alliterative manor i.e. Fleece and Firkin or Fish and Firkin) and until a few years there was a chain going by that name.
On a similar theme my local is called the Kilderkin which is a term for a cask containing either 16 or 18 gallons depending on where in the UK you come from.
a) 'Wurstbraterei' is a really silly name, translating to 'Sausage Grill'. Who names a pub like that? The beer better be good.
b) KitKat was already a thing in my childhood in Germany. Never understood why people where so fond of dry cardboard with cheap something that pretends to be chocolate. The 'have a break, have a Kitkat' commercial gained somewhat of a cult status back then though.
c) KitKat is a cool pony name.
d) Thanks to this post and KitKat giving the wizard 'a brazilian' (
) and looking up the spider on wiki, I've learned a new cool word: envenomation. I'll need to use that at some point.
e) I like spiders.
f) Except this one. I absolutely hate Phoneutria nigriventer now. What a godawful ugly and evil looking creature. Compared to that... thing... most tarantulas could win beauty contests. It's bite can not only cause priapism and in rare cases be deadly to humans, but always causes intense pain. Our good wizard probably would go into a machine-gun like frenzy.
g) I really hate it. Kill it. With fire.
h) not showing the picture in your blog was a wise decision.
i) someone should sue you for the expression *** of holding. It is almost as awful as Phoneutria nigriventer and has no right to be this funny.
j) I'll miss Derpy's misadventures but will look forward to more trainwrecks like this one.
In one of the recent trailers or shorts there was a head sized globe in one shot, but it wasnt discernable just how much of it matched to The Map. As in, even though The Map has snow top and bottom, does it even approach the view of Earth taken from mid US longitude or mid Atlantic, or is it even a shout ro Arthur C Clarke, and what we see is a quarter of the globe, mid upper turret view?
Looking For Mr. Goodbar was a 1970s book
(more or less based on a real murder) made into a 1977 movie
Pretty good movie, won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress
5036759
Isn't it obvious? The Author is busy!
I can confirm the existence of full sized Mr. Goodbars.
I still say KitKat should get romantically involved with an unicorn to get her KitKat's Kitty of Holding
5036764
That’s it exactly.
If AJ murderizes you, you had it coming. True fact.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/3/17/577701.png
5036768
Not that I’d know, but were there Duck Hunt sound effects for a perfect score?
‘Cause you only need one eye to aim a Barrett.
5036813
I disagree.
If Equestria were flat, cats would have pushed everything off the edge already.
5036881
Every random word is a bit less obscure in the UK. Because:
(as well it should be)
Us ‘Muricans need that kind of tradition. The best we’ve got is McDonald’s.
5036894
I figure it’s a German thing.
Over in America, we’ve only got sad substitutes for proper chocolate. It’s how we roll.
It is.
Envenomation is a great word.
pics.me.me/bindi-irwin-bindilrwin-some-days-you-just-need-to-cuddle-a-28185172.png
There are probably worse spiders out there, I dunno. But the idea that the warning on this one is that “it may break your d
k and/or cause death” is horrifying, and I want nothing to do with it. At least mares only have to deal with the second part of the venom warning.
Yes, lots of fire. All the fire.
Thank you!
Literally a tag on Derpibooru, which I stole. And it is more funny than it should be.
The good news is that I will probably wind up with other stories featuring Derpy’s misadventures, they just won’t feature a portal gun. And this disaster in progress shall continue in the years to come.
5036911
Based on Hasbro’s track record, I have to assume that little to none of it did.
I’d assume that some animator somewhere drew lines on a globe and that’s what we get, and since we are who we are, some of us will be doing our best to reconcile them with what we know of Equestria, even though the animator probably didn’t bother.
5036915
I’ve heard of that.
Never seen it, but I’ve heard of it.
5036935
He is. Maybe not so busy to justify a slowdown of production, but maybe so.
One of those things that the reader should decide!
5036936
Huzzah!
I’ve never seen one that I can recall.
5036968
Let’s be honest, there would be all sorts of advantages to it. Assuming she was willing to go for it, anyway. Could make Pinkie Pie’s hammerspace pale in comparsion, although that might take multiple unicorns to accomplish.
Still, assuming that they’ve got at least basic romantic skills, that might be worth experimenting with.
5037381
Next April first will be a blast
5037375
I think one of the greatest joys of being an animator would be halfassing your job, then sitting back and watching the fanboys try to make everything work.
I can't decide if I love this story or want to kill you.
5037375
There's also the whiteboard in the movie. It either shows half of the planet or Equestria is a snow globe...
1.bp.blogspot.com/-o34F-HFvOes/WVW3UlTHzLI/AAAAAAAACX8/VYXvSnv81ZMYppYKFAvX6f5xwvyoqUhaACK4BGAYYCw/s1600/1474478__safe_screencap_princess%252Bcelestia_princess%252Bluna_twilight%252Bsparkle_my%252Blittle%252Bpony-colon-%252Bthe%252Bmovie_spoiler-colon-my%252Blittle%252Bpony%252Bmovie_alicorn_ana.png
Equestria appears to have a significant magnetic field though, so that would point to it actually being a planet with molten iron in the mantle. Or the magnetic base plate of the snow globe. There's a scribble next to the moon that appears to be about the core shadow in alignment of a celestial body, so something is definitely orbiting somehow.
5036813
We've seen similar orreries in the show proper.
5036911
There are similar orreries in the show proper.
5037361
As long as you're not a Class 4 cheater!
5037398
That was kind of brought up at a panel with some of the animators at EFNW last year.
While I don’t reach the level of MLP animator, I do sometimes giggle when people make more of something I wrote than I put in it, y’know?
5037406
Not that I’m suggesting killing me, but at the same time, you could theoretically do both.
But please don’t. Please just love the story.
5037443
Well, we know that the sun and moon orbit Equestria, I’m pretty sure that somepony said that at one point or another (or at least heavily implied it).
While I generally go with the globe theory, the snowglobe theory is also implied in canon:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/1/6/516838.png
And magnetic bases would be useful on snowglobes.
5037514
I remember seeing one in at least one episode. It may well be on Derpibooru, but it wasn’t easily found since apparently most people don’t know what an orrery is, and there are very few pictures tagged as such (10, currently).
5037722
I make no promises. I used to hold the gun right up to the screen.
“Dodge this.”
i.ytimg.com/vi/Z5PN5R_vnWc/hqdefault.jpg
5037819
There are a few scattered through early episodes, I think Twilight's tower has one iirc?
It's become more prominent in the Friendship School, there's one in one of the hallways and a giant one hanging from the lecture hall ceiling.
5037820
That's it, I'm initiating Sequence RD-601!
EDIT 4/4/19: How many times did you wish you could just shoot the dog?
The movie Hudson Hawk had a group of assassins with candy bar names
5037861
Do you mean the room she had in Canterlot? I think there was one in the background in the first episode, but I might be remembering wrong.
I’ll keep an eye out when I get around to watching those episodes
I’m a few seasons behind. . . .
5037889
Pretty much every time. Damn him and his smug little laugh.
5055733
I’ll have to watch that.
I think there was some book that had that, too. It’s tickling at my memory, although I can’t for the life of me remember what it was. I think it was British, though.
5057464
Twilight has a tower in the first episode...
5057465
Hehe, Sequence RD-601, now I'm thinking it would be funnier if that joke meant a Sonic Rainboom.
5057466
I enjoyed Hudson Hawk, a very much minority opinion.