Penultimate Post · 3:16am Aug 18th, 2019
Blog Number 59: Long Overdue for Retirement
Progress Report: Bugger all.
Sorry, but this whole thing's just not cutting the mustard. Once I take care of one last job, I'm on my way out.
It's worse than "bugger all", in fact. Nothing's more depressing than looking back a couple of years and realizing you're struggling with the same problems now that you struggled with then. If anything, they seem to have gotten worse.
November 2017: had a breakdown partway through that year's NaPoWriMo event.
April 2018: a five-month period of encouraging productivity comes crashing to a halt. I never again reach that same peak performance.
July 2018: take a "hiatus". It lasts, if indeed "lasts" can mean anything with the whole alt Blue Chameleon VI deal going on the side, until October.
November 2018: have another breakdown, this time not even bothering with anything but the most rudimentary results post.
December 2018: have the worst breakdown yet, which even managed to rob my debut novel achievement of any lingering happiness.
And basically every 2019 post is just some variation on "I really want to do better than this! Really! I do!"
So that's why I'm leaving. I've seen the trend and I don't like where it's going.
Now, I am staying long enough to fulfil one last obligation: the Sunset Shimmer Shipping Contest, which ends this year. Having taken part in the last two, I'm obliged to give myself a proper sendoff and submit one last entry. Not that it'll win. At this point, I don't even care about pretending that's a possibility. The main reason I'm doing this is that the contest gives my writing some structure, that's all. Plus, it's just more fitting for me to end my "tenure" this way. Plus, you know, obligation.
So as soon as that last fic's completed and sent off to meet whatever hell reception it's going to get, I'm done. Finito. "Dead".
Heck, I'm dead already. Between the lack of interest in pony and the lack of keeping up with the fads, I'm a bona fide fandom dinosaur at this point. Anyway, I'm no longer well adapted either for writing comfortably or for mustering up any interest in fandom participation. Yes, I've had some good times and learned a few things about writing. Yes, people have enjoyed my work, and I've been delighted by their joy. If that was all there was to it, I'd happily keep churning out these literary equivalents of cheeseburgers.
But that's not all there was to it, or ever has been, and the frequency and intensity of the good things has declined over the years. And none of it - absolutely none of it - was worth the perfectionistic stress that nearly cracked me several times over. Stuff that. I'm not a goddamn masochist.
The account will stay up, if only out of respect for those who insist a nuclear wipeout is excessive and needlessly saddening. But I'm not logging back in once this business is done.
One last job, for old time's sake, then this dinosaur's going extinct.
Impossible Numbers, out.
D: Aww....
Sorry to hear you’re out.
But more importantly: Thanks for your contributions to the community. You’ll be missed.
You will be missed! Good luck in... everything.
Uh, bye?
Numbers, I’ve hoped you’d find greater happiness here, but I get it... I think. The truly “impossible” number is perhaps the one that brings an end to the feeling that you’re not living up to what you should be. I don’t know what would close that gap, or if that itself is impossible here. But if you go, I hope there’s something better waiting for you—whether that be a different focus for your future writing, or at least an end to the feelings of obligation.
I’ve appreciated your upkeep of the Time Action Glory Challenge group. I might be willing to help with that in your absence unless you already have someone else in mind.
If this is the last goodbye, then I’ll steal a line from the Simpsons: “Don’t think of it as goodbye. Think of it as... smell ya later.” And if you do come back someday, there will still be people here who are glad to see you again.
See you space chameleon...
You gotta take care of yourself first, and if it's not a good match, it's not a good match. Good luck wherever you go from here, and thanks for not burning the account; there's still stuff from you I wanna read.
If you find happiness creating elsewhere, let us know, okay?
Take care of your self and my best wishes go with you.
Oh, and thank you for not wiping your account, of what I have read, I have greatly enjoyed.
It's sad that you're no longer happy here -- but it would be much sadder if you stayed somewhere that was contributing to that unhappiness. As others have said, we'll miss you, but we're not the point here. You are.
And if I may be allowed one small personal note, thank you for the support you've given to the Flashfic 150 contests over the years. I've -- we've -- been very lucky to have had you participate there.
I hope that, wherever you go from here, you find more happiness. My very best wishes will go with you.
Plain and simply put, if you still struggle with the same problems after all these years, then you're doing something fundamentally wrong. It's not your talent. It's not your skill. It's the direction you swim into while applying both.
That you still have these same problems makes me wonder what you have done to solve them. Have you really tried different approaches? Or where you waiting that your average solution works out because you were so convinced it will? There's an old saying about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting change. Which I won't quote here, because it sounds rather discouraging, but you probably catch my drift.
What are you trying to solve these problems? What did you try in past years and what have you tried this year? What didn't you try yet? Find an answer on these questions. And if you can't, seek help from someone else to answer them. Because if you can't find the solution even after years and if you did try different approaches and none worked, then it's a solution that you just can't see, but that someone else will see. If you can't answer these questions for yourself, then get in touch with me, privately. Because to hell I shall go if I can't find an answer..... Problems that persist for years ask even more to get solved.
What you write here doesn't sound like the desire to quit. It sounds like a scream for help. Because you're struggling with the same problems for years and can't find a way out of them. You don't want to give up writing. You merely believe you have to, because frustration over not finding solutions to age-old problems makes you think it's all not worth it anymore and that you might as well give up if you don't succeed with that. But giving up has never been a viable solution, no matter how often people have tried that. Doing the same things and expecting change.....
And, don't you know already that you won't be happy with that decision? I can see it in your blog entries and in your productivity, you will never be happy if you give up solving a certain problem and after quitting, you will keep plagueing yourself with the question of how to solve your problems with writing. You already know you will return, to keep trying..... But once you do, it will be all the more frustrating, even more frustrating than it is now, because you still won't have an answer. Which will probably lead to you "quitting" again after a few months, before you return another time. Rinse and repeat. You are too prolific and dedicated to truly quit. You will trap yourself in an endless cycle of frustration and depression that way.
But if you stay and keep searching for the solution, with the help of someone else, you won't even enter that vicious cycle to begin with. In fact, that you mourned so openly that you're struggling with the same problems for years, could mean that you're already close to solving them. Self-awareness is often the first step and it's a very huge step.
Don't give up. Keep analyzing your problems, reflect on yourself and be critical with yourself. Try different solutions and approaches. Even if the path is filled with rocks to climb, it will be worth it in the end.
Want to write a shitfic together before you dip?
Also thank you for reminding me about the sunset surfing contest
5107891
Honestly, I agree with a lot of this, and it makes me wish I’d been a bit gutsier with my own sendoff.
At risk of giving both misaimed and unwanted advice, I would strongly recommend putting together a support team around your upcoming project—and when I see some of the names who are checking in here, I can’t help but think there are some heavy hitters who would gladly back you up in a variety of ways. My sense is that you often face the challenges of the writing process alone—and I believe very strongly that writing happens at its best when it’s not a purely solitary activity. Of course writing is solitary in some ways, but building even a small team to help support a project can pay huge dividends in terms of personal satisfaction and affirmation of the project’s quality.
If only as a parting thank you for your contributions, let us build you a kickass team of readers, editors, art folks, et cetera.
5107957
I need to be gutsy here. I just need. Even at the risk that he will reject all my advice and say that he doesn't want it. I wouldn't jump as heavily into the breach for most other authors as I do it for him right now (and already did before), but he is a legend and you simply don't let go of a legend. A legend with struggles, though. A legend who wants to keep writing, but doesn't know how.
He needs advice and I'll keep giving him that advice and try to convince him to continue and if he should start beating my face to bloody mush for trying to help..... Even then I would keep doing it.
It can't be allowed that a legend like him stops writing because of some filthy, persistent problems. I very much think that he really needs more pairs of eyes on his writing than just his own in order to find the source of the problems and to fix them.
I’m sorry to see you go, but I hope you find happiness in your future pursuits. As others have said, thank you for your contributions to the pony community, they’ve been among my favorites
Sorry to hear that, but I hope you are able to find healing and happiness somewhere.
I like the “being happy because it happened” idea for things like this, myself, even though I'm really bad at actually doing it.
Good luck, wherever you go.
Terribly sorry to hear this. Not just the farewell, though I understand why, but the struggle and how you've felt like you've been beating your head against a brick wall. I've been there, at least in terms of the "I really do want to change. I'm just... not" factor.
I do think Fluttercheer has a good idea for this last project. A support structure could work wonders in ending on a high note.
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5107891
I appreciate the candidness. It's refreshing, and I mean that. You're right to ask those questions, so I'll answer them as best I can.
I doubt it's exhaustive, but I've tried many ways of writing stories. Sometimes I've joined contests, sometimes I've done the National Pony Writing Month, sometimes I've gone off independently to write stories planned down scene-by-scene, and sometimes I've just rushed and winged it. In the past year alone, I can point to examples of each respectively: The Scootaloo Switcheroo for the writeoff contest; Growing Your Own Legacy during NaPoWriMo; Team Quantum and In A Hole In The Ground were planned throughout; Goldilocks and Before the Rot Sets In I wrote spontaneously, each within a day.
My planning has evolved over time as well, with the help of research I've done into literary techniques, and in the past few years I've focused more on what I think is deeper and more important in stories, on psychology and, despite my own reluctance around the subject in general, even philosophy. This is all with the help of my library and several books I've bought and read on the subjects. Admittedly, I definitely feel like I could and should do a lot more here - focus more thoroughly on certain topics and subfields, for instance, or find experts in certain areas to get more direct information and first-hand experience I myself can only imagine - but overall I don't have that much of a problem here.
Lastly, writing the prose has varied considerably, from brief stints stretched out over days and weeks to rapid rushes of work done in just a matter of hours.
All of these techniques sometimes work, sometimes don't, and so they're all too inconsistent. Planning can carry a work for a while and then do nothing to motivate me thereafter, whereas rushes require sudden inspiration, and those are just too rare to make into a viable strategy. It's been the same thing in past years too: in 2013, I relied almost entirely on the contests provided by one specific group (the World-Building Alliance, as it happens), and plenty of others since have been based on or written for random contests (Why the Gift is Given was born from my work during the Jinglemas collaboration in 2017).
Maybe someone else has a clearer idea than mine when it comes to what I'm doing wrong, but...
That's right. And I'm not entirely happy with this "leaving" idea either, but at the moment I'm not convinced staying is in my best interests, and here's why.
You suggest I work out the problem with someone else helping me out. Although I don't want to impugn anyone specific, and certainly can't make blanket statements with much confidence, in a sense I think the problem ultimately is other people.
I noticed the effect during the writeoff, though afterwards I assumed it was the high-standard nature of the contest that was stressing me out. But the fact is that I notice (more prominently than ever) the same kind of stress affecting my exposure to FIMFiction too. Standards, expectations, judgements, votes, reputations, criticism, risks of failure without any sense of a safety net, all given an extra tang of unpleasantness by being muddied thanks to subjectivity.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I just don't think I'm built to deal with that. Not regularly. And it seems it's long been affecting my writing, and over time my mood towards writing, before eventually affecting my motivation for doing it at all. Even at peak motivation and productivity, I find stories take a lot of time and investment. I don't think I can deal any longer with seeing them posted on a social site and then get turned into an object for counting likes and comments.
I'm perfectly open to the reply that I need to develop tougher skin to deal with this. After all, it comes with the territory of publication. That regrettably doesn't help me deal with it any better, and combined with my own destructively perfectionist tendencies, it makes for a toxic brew I can't stomach.
So that's, in the main, why I'm leaving.
Don't get me wrong, it is a pleasure to see that work please people and to hear their thoughts on it. That's genuinely heartening. Unfortunately, if the price of that is feeling sick to my stomach whenever I see even one unexplained downvote, or hating myself for not getting "enough" views, or going into fits of self-doubt just because some other work is getting far more attention than mine, then I'm afraid the price is too high. If I go back to writing, I want to feel I'm doing it for the fun of it like I used to, and not because some invisible critic is looming over my shoulder.
So I appreciate you mean well and speak sense, I really do. Giving up is not what I want to do, and perhaps in time I'll find writing enjoyable again. My view, though, is that one of the solutions is this: I need less of the social side of the things as a distraction. So sadly, I must decline your suggestion, though I do so with the greatest respect for your good intentions.
5108483
I can see what your problem is now. It rests on three pillars: Lack of Inspiration. Obsession with Success. Perfectionism.
Let's go through it.
You have mentioned several stories that you wrote in a rush, because of a sudden, spontaneous inspiration. You said you wrote these stories within a day, so you were obviously very motivated to write them.
An author's fuel is inspiration. Nothing goes without it. Every author knows the feeling of getting a great idea and of having to write it down and turn it into a story immediately. That makes the kind of stories you mentioned very easy to write. You just can't wait to write it, to see the plot play out, to finish it and, finally, to release it.
And if you cannot write such a story immediately, because you need to make plans for it first and do research so that your idea works, then it can be unbearing, because you finally want to write it. The same goes if you are a few chapters in and then suddenly realize that they aren't optimal and you better go and revise them before you write more chapters. That's something I'm dealing with right now, with one of my stories, which is why the revision went by in a crawling tempo.
I don't think that either of this is your problem, but it's similar. Your paragraph here implies that you have it easy with writing stories you got spontaneously inspired to, but that your writing motivation fizzles out after a while if you plan a long story.
There's a noticeable contrast here, between these two ways of writing a story, and so I think one of the pillars your problem rests on is a lack of inspiration. You plan a multi-chapter story and write a couple chapters for it up until a certain point and then you run out of inspiration, which makes your progress come to a halt. You still get ideas for how to continue it, but these ideas are a result of planning, as well. There's no sudden inspiration anymore, which makes writing the story feel forced to you if you press on anyway.
You reach a point where you have to wait until you find further inspiration to carry the story along.
Of course, that's not like this for every author. I like to plan out a multi-chapter story from beginning to end and this works for me, because I want to have everything under control. But then, after I started writing, I got more and more inspiration and awesome ideas and the story ended up much longer than originally intended and with many more chapters than I originally thought it would have. This is what happened when I wrote "'Princess Flurry Heart, Destroyer of Worlds!'" So, I'm a mix of both, I plan stories from beginning to end, but I'm flexible enough to insert spontaneous ideas and make them work. However, even if I hadn't gotten inspired to all these additional ideas while writing away at it, it still would have worked. The story would be much shorter and less fleshed out then, but it would still be a story with a coherent plot from beginning to end; with a starting point, a climax and a finale.
I like to fully plan stories before I start writing. But you seem to be different. What you describe here sounds like you are, or maybe have become, an author who mostly strives from sudden inspiration and who gets bored if a story reaches the point where writing it is only pure, calculated planning anymore.
Since you have such problems with writing lately, it sounds like a good idea if you only write one-shots you got spontaneously inspired to for a while, to make the writing process easier for you.
I don't think this is the biggest pillar of your problems, however.
This is a much bigger pillar right here, likely the biggest one of them all. Reading this paragraph and this sentence, it sounds like a textbook example. A textbook example for someone who only does something for the sake of success and popularity anymore.
You said you had fun with the writing process itself, but that you see it from a critical standpoint all the time today. And this sums it up, really.
You were always a very prolific and serious author, I can see that by your productivity alone. You have big dreams of becoming a renowned, popular writer, you pushed yourself hard to reach that goal and you always worked hard to get better at writing. You have always taken writing very serious and you took it more and more serious as time passed on. Now, you have reached a point where you take it too serious.
It's nothing I've made experiences myself (Yet? Hopefully never.), but getting too obsessed with success is a very commonly-known occurence for authors.
No author starts writing to get famous and become popular. Not even to become the best author in the world. Granted, some set themselves such goals, for varying reasons, but in the end, the fact that they love and enjoy writing is what creates the motivation to reach these goals in the first place. It's the fun about writing that pushes authors to new heights, not numbers. Some might think it's the numbers, but it's never the numbers. For example, I have this story here that performs really badly, now that I brought it back after a year of problems with it and without any notice about the story or its continuation.
It feels crushing that barely anyone keeps reading it now, but I will still continue it and work hard to get it back the attention it deserves, because I can relate to Tempest Shadow due to the same kind of horrible, early life experience and, therefore, it is important to me to tell her story and how she became who she is now.
I hope that the views will rise again and I will do what I can for that, but if it keeps performing so lowly, I'll still continue it and eventually finish it, because I want to explore Tempest's/Fizzlepop's journey. I still care about the numbers, but I care about the experience as well.
What you describe here, sounds like you stopped caring about the experience and that you only care about the numbers anymore. You have become obsessed with success to an extent that this has, subconsciously, started to completely dominate your mind and your writing motivation.
Which means, as long as the views are high and as long as they live up to your expectations, everything is fine. But as soon as the interest isn't as high as you've hoped for (anymore), you're getting bored of writing it because there is no gratification in form of views, upvotes and comments filled with praise anymore.
It's like this, because you became so obsessed with the success of your writing that the story itself and the experience of writing it has taken a backseat. For your stories, the part of your mind that is obsessed with the success of the stories is the driver now, while the passionate, imaginative and fun part of your mind is chained inside the kiddy seat at the back of the car.
But the good news is, it's not locked away in the trunk. You can still make the two parts of your mind switch places. Or, maybe not exactly. Put the success part of your mind on the passenger seat to your right. Just don't let it at the steering wheel.
What you need to solve this is to redirect your motivation. Remind yourself on the real reason why you write. Take the reception of a story less serious than you do now. Don't start to become apathetic towards it completely, but don't make it the main goal to reach a certain number of upvotes or views or praising comments anymore.
Make the fun with writing and to write a certain idea in a good and effective way your main goal again. That goal is independent from the views and upvotes the finished story will get and much more rewarding to accomplish than reaching certain cold statistics. Writing is not a mathematic formula, it's a creative passion. Treat it like one again and your fun with writing will return. Reading one of your earliest stories can help with that.
I could write another textwall here, but I would actually just repeat myself. Because that perfectionist tendency is closely-related to the second pillar and factors into it. Maybe you always had a certain tendency to perfectionism, but the obsession over success likely made it grow out of control over time and made you nitpick away at your own stories in the hopes to get out the maximum amount of views and votes, which definitely isn't a healthy thing for motivation.
Let loose a little. Allow your stories to have some flaws. Imperfect things. If you do, you'll maybe even discover that some of those flaws aren't even flaws to begin with and that you were just overthinking things to reach perfection. Not to mention that writing is subjective. Break a rule or two and the "flaw" might just become something really interesting that works in a new and exciting way. It never hurts to experiment.
So, to conclude this, I think the following strategy will help you:
1. Rediscover your passion for writing. Make it less about the success and more about the experience again.
2. Tone down your perfectionism and allow your stories to have flaws. If the thought of further improving your story makes your stomach twist, then it's time to stop, to finalize your story and to release it.
3. Take a break with planning your stories. Only write one-shots with spontaneous ideas born from a burst of inspiration and that you are very passionate about anymore, for a while.
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5108451
If nothing else, I'd like to say: Thank you all for your kind (if sadly bittersweet) messages. You people are making this hard!
OK, in all seriousness: While I'm still determined to step away from FIMFiction for personal reasons, it's at least nice to know that I'm leaving something of value behind for you. Keep being awesome, y'all.
5108451
5107957
I don't want to make a big fuss for a send-off. It's enough for me to just wrap up an old tradition and bow out gracefully. Still, I appreciate the sentiment, and at least you see where I'm coming from.
5108100
That's a really good perspective to adopt. I did indeed have some good times, in all honesty; why not focus on that? It could even be a chance to learn something for the future.
5107896
Sorry, I think I'll pass, but thanks for the offer anyway. And no problem.
5107882
The flashfics were fun, and a chance to experiment. You've done a good job keeping them fresh and interesting, especially considering how many groups have fizzled out over the years. I might cobble together one last anthology on my way out too, come to that. Only a couple more fics needed to meet the site's required word count, and that'll do it.
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5107826
I was persuaded long ago not to burn my previous works, and it wasn't something I was enthusiastic about even then. If people see value in these stories and want to read them, then they'll be there.
5107836
?
5107812
Sorry, I know, but my mind's made up about this.
5107845
If you want to assume control over the group, be my guest. It doesn't have to be to the level of detail I assumed; most of that was just for my own curiosity and amusement.
Oh, and a Blue Chameleon reference too. That's just cute.
5108507
I'm still thinking about a lot of these points. It's something I'll try to get back to you about, but for now, just wanted to reassure you this hasn't fallen on deaf ears. You're definitely a passionate soul, I'll give you that.
5108687
I am uncertain what must be done to make ownership a reality, but I’m probably up for it. Though I see there are also some other group admins... let me know how best to proceed.
5108727
Administrator class enabled. Congratulations, CoffeeMinion; you're the new Impossible Numbers.
5108727
If it helps, this comment and the answer to it might give a general helpful idea of what admin duties entail.
Really, most of it is just tidying up and sometimes promoting the group, and I only ever got as far as the first one.
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5108746
“How much coffee will you need today, CoffeeMinion?”
“I'm afraid measuring that would require an Impossible Number.”
(sorry)
5108687
Who are you again?
5108746
No one can be you but you.
But, maybe we can keep your seat warm while you step away.
5108767
Limit as N approaches infinity... of NN
5108687
My well-developed instinct for rhetoric can see that this translates to "You give very good advice and I considered all your points, but unfortunately, I'm having no hopes that's going to work, so I'll still leave for good."
.....
You realize that's not acceptable, right? Keep thinking about my words, mister. Now and in three months. And I'm not going to say goodbye like the others. Because we both know that you are going to return eventually. I can see it written in your virtual face already.
But it's up to you if it's a frustrated return, with an unsatiable desire to write but the same problems weighing you down, or a happy one, with a healthy writing perspective for the future.
Heed my words. If you ever want to publish something big and became a big-name author, you'll need to think less about success and more about the writing.
At least, your break will give me some time to catch up with a couple of your stories. I'll do that to pass the time while I wait here for your next one.
P.S.: And ignore Inspired Rarity's words. I sense a high level of discouraging toxic in her comments.
5108939
I have no time for group admin duties, but I will ensure that his stories will stay warm and hydrated and give some company to them, so they won't feel lonely. :3
5109108
Honestly, my comment wasn't meant as a thrown sop or anything like that. I genuinely am astonished at the passion here. Honest! This kind of forthrightness is simply not something I'm used to, day in, day out.
The obsession over success fits in neatly with what I've been noticing for a long time; a tendency, despite my knowing better, of chasing status and dreaming up increasingly unrealistic but hyper-impressive goals as though they were feasible. I get it. I know what you're talking about. In fact, I think that's why it'd be a good idea to step away from a site where, like many social media, that sort of thing looms large and can become addictive. Stepping away from temptation is a perfectly viable method of exercising self-control, with the added bonus of removing a stressor. It's not just the site that's a cause; I'm guilty of being susceptible to it, especially since I know better.
As for that possible return... oh, all right, a stickler part of me suspects you're right, but I'm still going. Just please understand it's not because I don't think your suggestions will work. Quite the opposite: I think stepping away would be the best first step before setting to work on them. I can teach myself to write those shorter one-shots as much as I feel comfortable, without the added worry of how it'd be received if I published it. Someone I spoke to recently emphasized the difference between writing and publishing. Since an obsession with success is a major problem, if I don't publish, I don't become vulnerable to it.
The point is to do what you suggest; cut out the distractions and find what I want in the actual act of writing, in the experience.
I don't know for certain if it's going to work. Even supposing I did get back into my comfort zone, I'd still need some kind of mental safety net before trying to publish any of it. Baby steps, maybe? One in every ten short stories, or something? I don't know.
Trust me, I really am thinking about your points, probably more than you realize. That point about being inspiration-based versus plan-based doesn't sound like me; I can happily plan a story for months, even years, and enjoy everything about it without getting tired. Whereas my main difficulty is writing the prose, which is more spontaneous and feels more unnatural. I suppose it doesn't change the proposed solution much - to write shorter, more manageable stories - but I've always seen myself as not only more methodical and systematic than most, but actually happier being so than most people would be.
Well, the contest lasts until mid-September, so I've got time yet to think about this. I just wanted you to know I really am taking your advice seriously. I didn't intend any "rhetoric", and I'm sorry if I came across as patronizing or dismissive.
5109225
Oh, it did not come across that way. Not in the classical sense. I just came to expect such a thing from humans; unwillingness to accept help, stubbornness, creating excuses to avoid being helped, using elaborate rhetoric to get away without help, sneaking away without being noticed..... It's just something from experience.
I guess I was wrong about this one then. How you said you wrote certain stories in just one day (a feat I could achieve only once, so far) sounded like you are doing easier with stories that are written in the immediate wake of a burst of inspiration.
I guess I can cross off #3 of my proposed strategy then.
It's a good idea. I'm sure it will work. And for the safety net, I suppose simply writing stories without publishing them for a while and relearning what is really important about writing should do it already. After all, you weren't always stressed and nervous about publishing stories and there has been a time when you didn't obsess over success. You just need to get back there. Back to a time when you managed to balance the desire for success and the passion for writing.
You should notice it then, that the thought of publication does not feel stressful anymore.
If that alone doesn't work, as unlikely as that is, then you'll need something to give you a push. Something to brace yourself for reader reactions. Unfortunately, I can't tell you what that is or would need to be. For me, dealing with such reactions was always easy, because I always had a tough skin. But there are others who can provide solutions. Like, after opening a thread in the Writer's Group forum, for example. I'm sure there are other authors who struggled with the same anxiety.
But, I'm convinced that you already figured out the right strategy to teach yourself how to pay less attention to success, by writing without publishing for a couple months (or, however long it takes). You only need to find the right moment to start publishing again, before you apply that strategy for too long, get used to it and become a closet writer. But if you listen to your instincts and feelings, you should easily find that moment.
5109225
I noticed you didn't respond to my last comment. Are you alright or have things taken a turn for the worse?
5111238
I'm fine, just can't think of anything to add at the moment.
5111253
That's okay. Seek me out if you need anything. I'm always here.
5111273
The strategy's more or less what we discussed: focus on short works, get back into reliving the experience and away from the success-chasing, don't publish often, and don't publish until I start feeling comfortable with it. It's a solid plan, which is why I'm focusing at the moment on getting it under way. And balancing it with work, home life, finances, the whole caboodle.
5111277
May Princess Luna's blessing be with you and bring success in your endeavors.
5111295
Thanks!