Wanted: A Strategy to Exorcise Laziness · 11:56pm Oct 25th, 2019
Blog Number 63: Approaching Critical Point Edition
What the hell am I missing? There must be some secret, some obvious detail I've overlooked, something that keeps other people writing and soaring while I'm stuck here surrounded by ideas that just won't get off the ground. What!? I am beyond frustrated at this point.
I've researched clauses until I can categorize them in my sleep. I've learned far more -isms since the last blog post than I could ever feel comfortable using*. I've even tried learning major distinctions between American English and British English**, just in case I could use them more adroitly in a future work (e.g. write the narration in my native British but have character dialogue conform to American).
*If your brain doesn't rebel trying to learn "Cartesian dualism", "monism", "idealism", "physicalism", "neutral monism", etc., then you're doing way better than I am right now.
**Like the fact that some American is rhotic and British is non-rhotic, which would explain a couple of past cases where my poetic rhymes of e.g. "calm" and "charm" didn't translate so well.
I have a list of character tags I'm dying to contribute towards, genre tags I'm keen to experiment with, as well as subgenre divisions to give each of them a particular flavour, enough topics and themes to keep me occupied for a lifetime, and no shortage of leisure time with which to generously build and craft these things. I've even prepared an actual editor this time, as per the advice of far too many people, to examine the final products.
What's the result? Minimum of 20k words so far this month... and it's all chaotic bits and pieces of larger stories that go nowhere. Again. And again, and again, and again, and again, on and off for months and months and months and months.
Except the damn works aren't coming. Not whole. Just rare side projects that by some miracle are happy outliers. I can't even figure out how to write short stories; nearly every attempt has exploded into a much larger work just to accommodate all the detail needed to prevent them from being single scenes with no arcs or complexity. To prevent them being average-quality, utterly disposable junk.
But if I try to bow to that and go full-sized fic? They're just goddamn hiding away, being stubborn, mocking my every hour spent fidgeting in front of a computer screen trying to get the bloody things out there to do their job. Right after I get started on a few and actually get my hopes up they'll continue. I can only get started, for pity's sake.
No! I swear I'm going to beat my head against a wall until one or the other collapses. There is no reason this should not be working. If I did any more to lay the groundwork, I'd be practically brushing down the welcome mat and hiring a butler, just for them, and I'm still missing something crucial and stupid obvious because they're not coming.
God. Damn. This. SHIT.
Before anyone responds: I just needed to show I'm not being lazy about this. I'm working on a solution; it's not like I'm totally clueless. Clearly, this is some kind of lack of confidence brought about by some fundamental ignorance, in which case I need to look into other aspects more closely, like idioms used every day so that I can capitalize on language more completely, proper punctuation usage, worldbuilding elements from the show to make sure angles are covered, perhaps some art theory to get a better idea of overall purpose so the fic doesn't fall flat on its face.
What I don't need is to take a break or otherwise slack off. Because I've done that enough. I've had big enough gaps in my personal history where too much time was wasted already, on leisure as well as on fruitless efforts. The last thing I need is an excuse to be lazy.
Or else I need a more intelligent, direct approach to research. I have looked for practically everything I need to complete these tasks without earning serious criticisms, to pre-empt all the likely criticisms in particular, to incorporate every noted flaw I've had shown to me over the years, and to avoid confusing my readers, try to make everything clear and engaging when I write so I don't end up repeating the same mistake umpteen times. Just as soon as I figure out how to get this defective brain off its lazy arse and get it doing what it should have been doing years ago, it should have no excuse not to click into place.
For one thing, it was as recently as early 2018 when I managed, for five straight months, to meet and surpass the 60,000-word target I set myself. Every month. In a row. That is tangible evidence that this is possible, despite the fact that, since mid-2018, nothing's come close. But it can be done. The evidence is there.
For another thing, National Novel/Pony Writing Month is only a week away, and I do not intend to be found shirking when it comes time to place my stake.
And for a third thing, the anniversary of my debut novel is only a couple of months away, and still it remains unmatched, which is inexcusable given what a generous amount of time I've had to work on another. This year has been a disgrace and a disappointment compared with previous years, well below standard; I don't intend to be caught slacking when 2020 begins.
If only I had the slightest assurance I can and will keep this kind of consistent momentum going, everything would be perfect. As soon as I maintain such a consistent rate that novels become feasible regular targets, and the National Novel Writing Month is not a one-off but a regular achievement, then that's when this writing gig will finally be ready for my professional, financial ambitions.
So until that time, I make no promises regarding releases. I'm already committed to not publishing incomplete works ever again; there's simply no excuse for that. Likely other conditions will need to be erected as I go e.g. never announce an upcoming fic without at least a viable first draft completed, simply to avoid disappointing anyone who might be interested. That's a discourtesy I'm not committing again.
Until then, I need to work on a viable strategy to keep the machine running. It's so close, and yet so far. I can taste it.
Impossible Numbers, out.
Dude, if you desperately want to write but just can’t get yourself to, it’s probably a brain issue. Hopefully you have decent insurance; I would highly recommend finding a good therapist and a good psychiatrist. You might have depression or just general executive dysfunction like I do.
Also, let’s write a stupid collab. That always gets my writing juices going.
Best of luck, friend.
Even non-rhotic, charm would not rhyme with calm! >:B
If you figure it out, lemme know. You're doing better than I am.
Yo, lemme know when you find that something. I have ideas more than seven years old at this point that won't go away
Honestly, as someone who has spoken with you about this issue both on the site and remotely, I think the most succinct advice I could give at this stage would be for you to just put your pen down and go off and do something else for the next six or twelve months (and I say that in the knowledge of your reluctance to do so). Is it going to resolve your problems? Probably not on its own, but it might help trim enough trees so you can see the wood. Because honestly, at this point I imagine you're so pent up and frustrated that clarity is a pipe dream. And if you can't think clearly then you've no hope of identifying solutions or implementing them well. I do feel for you; you seem to be having moments of such joyous achievement, also the lows of feeling as though you want to throw it all in the bin... But the issue seems to be (from an outside perspective) that there isn't anything happening at all between those stages. You're veering from one to the other, sometimes several times a month.
Take time off. Properly. Stop beating yourself up over flip-flopping when you're not giving yourself the foundation to do otherwise. I know you've picked up some other hobbies, but I've often had the sense that you've never truly let them become the distraction they need to be. Let the desire to write become a strength again rather than what it is right now. Give your brain a rest. Sorry to be blunt, but you've really not been giving yourself a chance.
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Honest to betsy, I don't actually think this qualifies as a medical issue. Firstly, it's a matter of strategy and planning, and secondly, I'm otherwise quite content with day-to-day living. Thank you for the well-meaning advice, but at present I think it's just a matter of reconsidering my approach more intelligently and less emotionally.
Sorry, but I'm afraid I'll have to decline your offer. I've already committed to both the Imposing Sovereigns challenge and the NaPoWriMo event next month. I don't think adding a collaboration on top of that is going to help me personally. At least, not right now.
Thank you, and to you too, Super Trampoline. You're very kind.
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https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/calm
calm, adjective
uk: /kɑːm/
us /kɑːm/
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/charm
charm, verb
uk /tʃɑːm/
us /tʃɑːrm/
Notice how, in phonetical form, the US form of "charm" has the rhotic r at the end of its vowel, but the UK form does not? Notice also how the vowel sound in both the UK "calm" and the UK "charm" are identical, and how both end with the same "m" consonant? In other words, that they rhyme?
I'll admit it's a fair cop that I should have taken the rhotic difference into account when writing poetry for a largely American audience, but frankly you're incorrect that it wouldn't have worked in non-rhotic British English.
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I've tried techniques that worked for others but don't seem to work for me, which makes me think this is one of those "personal discovery" things. Assuming, however, that this is not true, then if I find that something, I'll let you know, if it helps.
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Hm... I'll send a longer message to you elsewhere once I've had a chance to think this over. I don't want to respond just yet. At the very least, there's too much material touched upon here for me to deal with it all in one go.
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What.
This is crap.
Where's the l?
Literally no one says this. >:B
What you describe here sounds very much like you are having some undiscovered fears or anxieties. Which are feelings that are always triggered by something. You mentioned 2018. How you wrote consistently for five months in a row and then it didn't work anymore from the middle of 2018 onwards. Did anything happen in the middle of 2018, something that isn't related to writing?
I have made the experience that an event that shatters you on a personal level can strongly affect your confidence, making you have issues with believing in your abilities, in the last two years.
I see that you are very frustrated, but also extremely determined. That's a good thing. Frustration and Determination go very well with each other, the latter compensates for the former.
2018? Not that I recall: I'd have nominated 2017 for "year in which things went to hell". But then my memory isn't the best, so it might be best to check what I was doing that far back, just in case. If something coincided with the drop, it'd be worth seeing whether I could plan for anything like it in the future.
At the moment, I'm taking an official break from writing. It's likely I just need a chance to recover naturally, so I might as well give it a go while I do some casual learning and research in the meantime.