Fic recs, November 11th: Sunset Shipping: Endings edition! · 10:07pm Nov 11th, 2019
Well, Imposing Sovereigns II just wrapped up submissions, so I thought it might be a good time to power through the last half-dozen Sunset shipfics even though there are more important things I need to be doing today. <.< I'm so glad I'm done.
Look, I jumped on this contest because the previous two produced some really good stories. And this one's no different in that regard; what makes it different is that they're all depressing. D: I get why Oroboro wanted to do "Endings" as the third and final theme, but... Good lord, there's very little humor in any of this, just tons and tons of death and emotional trauma. Pascoite was saying there's something like 67 entries this time around, and while I don't know if he's right or not (if my rating count is not off, the final total is 56 because two of these are ineligible as entries), I do know I had 57 pages of review notes in GDocs.
What I'm trying to say is, don't expect me to read anything from Imposing Sovereigns until well into next year. >:B I'm good and burnt out, and I've got more pressing and -- more importantly -- shorter editions I'd like to do before then.
So, for this one, as usual, all stories are considered to be EQG-tagged. If you're not into romance, well, this is the contest for you! Check out the reviews to see if there's any relationships you'd particularly enjoy seeing broken. And if you're not into Equestria Girls, here's a smaller-than-usual smattering of stories that take place in Equestria:
No Charm in the Second Time by TCC56
Lagrangian Triple Point by MagnetBolt
Harmony's Rebirth by Undome Tinwe
Plugged In by Impossible Numbers
Acceptance by Rixec
Sunset Shimmer Breaks Up With Everyone by KitsuneRisu
A Letter to My Lover… by King of Beggars
To the reviews!
H: 16 R: 8 C: 17 V: 11 N: 6
Don't Leave Me Again... by JustNewHere
Genre: Drama
The main problem with this story is there's a good four or five prequels' worth of content that's just shoved at us in "Hey, do you remember how?" dialogues. Sunset's an alicorn now, the human world is suffused with magic so they can use it all the time (I guess Sci-Twi's not special anymore, huh?), and she's one of those raw diet people. Then there's the twist in the middle, and while it's a good twist, it's not set up particularly well. I was left bewildered more than anything. It might make reading this worth it?
Vaguely Recommended
Pour Me. by Jlargent
Genre: Comedy
Sunset wakes up in bed with two other girls and a hangover.
Weirdly, this is actually Scratchtavia shipping? Also, there's been next to no editing. Not to mention this is one of those stories where sections entering and exiting flashbacks are labelled as such, along with whose POV it is. Lots of telling, fast pacing… about the only thing I liked was how Vinyl was written, she's amusing.
Not Recommended
The Dream Ends by Quicksilvershimmer
Genre: Drama/Aggretsuko Crossover Kinda?
Almost every day after work, Sunset comes to Vinyl's karaoke bar to scream her heart out.
I'd like to know how closely this hews to the Aggretsuko episode it's named for. <.< So, I feel like the author put in a lot of effort on this story, and it shows, but it also doesn't quite hit the mark. The writing is very telly, and it could have used another round or two of editing. The colored internal monologues are completely unnecessary, and have a tendency to break POV. Tense is highly confusing. As for the story itself, it did actually surprise me. I mean, it's hard to believe Sunset is the kind of person who would think that making her boyfriend happy was all she needed to be happy… and just when I really started questioning that, so too did the other characters. That doesn't change the fact that this is still a story where love is the cure to everything that ails you, nor does it alleviate a lot of the other questions I have about the setting. Like, how did Sunset not only end up with a job in accounting, but working at the same place as Lyra, Pinkie, Twilight and Abacus Cinch? I was never quite sure what to make of this one, in short, but I feel like if the author keeps writing, they're starting in the right place to get real good in time.
Vaguely Recommended
Unforgivable by DrakeyC
Genre: Comedy
When Starlight storms into the castle through the mirror portal, Twilight tries to find out just what happened between her and Sunset.
This was a hoot from start to finish. :D The centerpiece is Sunset and Starlight, of course, recently broken up, going on and on about how great the other is while maintaining that they hate each other and never want to see the other again. It was marvelous. And then there's the punchline of who they end up getting together with, which was perfect. All in all, just the sort of thing I look for in a romantic comedy.
Highly Recommended
Time Carries On by SamRose
Genre: Sad
As an immortal, you have to learn to carry on after your loved ones leave you.
Sadfics are always hard to do — and I expect this won't be the last one this contest produces — but I think this one rides that line between natural sad and Be Sad Now just fine. That said, while the dialogue is pretty great, giving us a strong sense of Aria and Sunset's bond, the narrative is especially telly. And, well, most of the dialogue is Aria talking us through their relationship, but it's set up in a clever enough way that I didn't mind so much. Not a ship I'd have done, but a good look at immortal Sirens nevertheless.
Recommended If You Like Sad Shipping
Wilting Wallflowers by Psyga315
600th Review of 2019!
Sequel to We Made It, Wallflower
Genre: Drama
When an accident leaves Wallflower in the coma, Sunset will do anything to save her.
To anyone who's ever entered a contest and gotten a bad review because of it: keep writing, because you've got nowhere to go but up. The entry previous to this was riddled with errors and highly confusing in what it was trying to do. While the writing has only improved marginally here, what's much better is the story. This is about grieving and dealing with death, and how Sunset does both of those things poorly. Yes, that means she's in hyper-melodrama mode basically the entire time, but that can at least be explained by the circumstances. I also really liked that she went to Equestria to look for a magical solution, especially given the situation with magic as presented at the start. So while the whole story is told to us, I'm still pleased by how well this writer has improved, and I hope they continue to write more. :)
Vaguely Recommended
Ice Queen by Quillamore
Genre: Tragedy
The new girl at school is strange in completely different ways from previous new students.
This story hits some surprisingly dark and real subjects, and approaches them well, if somewhat vaguely. That said, the writing could have been better, as so much of this is told to us, leaving the overall presentation flat. Still, I really appreciated the solid drama in the second to last scene, and this has some really neat ideas in regards to Sirens and how things work, or don't, when moving from Equestria to Humania.
Recommended If You Don't Mind Telling
No Charm in the Second Time by TCC56
Genre: Comedy
Twilight has some issue with Sunset's new significant other.
Oh boy, this was good, and it all comes down to who said significant other is. This wasn't any longer than it needed to be, and the punchline was hilarious. And it's the person's first story, on this site anyway!
Recommended
Sunset's Ending of Starlight's Charade by Ebola-chan Ganbatte
Sequel to Sunset's Journey to Tolerating Twilight's Moral Questionability
Genre: Surreal
Sunset is really bothered by Starlight's hat.
First order of business, this isn't much of a sequel, and any connective tissue to the earlier story is relayed as a spaghetti incident, which is amusing on its own. Second, this also isn't much of a story? It's one of those pieces where there's an "author doesn't care" joke in the middle. What starts out as a funny comedy about Starlight and Sunset breaking up over Starlight's hat becomes increasingly stranger thanks to a pushy waitress, and finally ends on an AIDS "joke", which… Let's be honest, it's Ebola-chan, we should expect that kind of thing. But for all that I enjoyed Starlight's prank at the end, it wasn't particularly satisfying, not in the way Moral Questionability was. Maybe I expected too much.
Vaguely Recommended
Lagrangian Triple Point by MagnetBolt
Genre: Adventure
Sunset brings Twilight to Equestria on a friendship quest, much to her consternation.
Man. There's so much to unpack in this piece, I don't even know where to start. Sunset dealing with her sordid past, Sci-Twi trying to figure out her place in two worlds, not to mention a really fascinating magical adventure in the middle of a friendship problem. I've been reading these entries piece by piece, scene by scene, a few days at a time, but this one was really hard to put down.
Highly Recommended
Oh, Ma'am, Just One More Thing... by the frank
Genre: Drama
Sunset sits down to have coffee with her friend. That's all.
I hate when stories have inherent topical merit but don't hold up to analytical scrutiny. Which is to say, the writing in this needs a lot of help, but it's still a good look at two people who don't quite fit together the right way. Like, when the dialogue is on, it really works, and the scene towards the end of each of them describing how the other should have broken up with her is actually pretty fantastic. But this will be a hard sell for readers who demand perfection, or at least excellence. It's at least unique! (Update: The writing is now much improved!)
Recommended (Changed on 7/28/20)
Different Paths by Jhoira
Genre: Drama
Found out as someone who does not exist in this world, Sunset is forced into marriage with Rarity if she wants to stay.
Go figure, a story about a forced marriage right out of high school is no fun. Everything is tuned for maximum drama, Sunset is incredibly naive about how relationships work, and I had to wonder why. The consequences for Sunset not getting married are spelled out in strong detail in the story, yet when you can sum them up as "Sunset would have to go back to Equestria", it honestly doesn't sound that bad. Like, "why make a big deal out of it?" levels of not that bad. And then in chapter four, it takes a hard left turn into Looneyville, population you. I mean, the story overall is pretty dry, the writing is very telly, but just watching what this turns into in the end, with zero indication that it would, is kind of amazing. c.c This isn't how writing works! But it's certainly memorable.
Vaguely Recommended
Harmony's Rebirth by Undome Tinwe
Genre: Emotional
Sunset stands on the cusp of changing Equestria, the human world, and the mare she loves.
So Sunset's dating the physical embodiment of Harmony in Equestria, and—
Wait, no, stop, come back! D: This is a really good story! It feels like it comes after a hundred-thousand-word epic romance about turning the spirit of Harmony — yaknow, that transparent Twilight who messed with the kids in season eight? — into a being capable of love, so it's maybe a little hard to get into at first. The background info comes through in time, though, rather than all at the start, which is how you're supposed to do it. <.< This does a really great job characterizing Harmony, from whose POV this is written, as something ancient and alien that has learned what it means to be a pony, to say nothing of just how important Sunset is to her. The only thing holding me back from a really high recommendation is the ending, which I can't help but see as really weird, maybe even creepy. <.< I dunno, definitely go read this though, it's an excellent entry.
Recommended
Contagious by Bookish Delight
Genre: Episode Followup
It's time Sunset and Flash had a talk.
I've always been a huge proponent of Flash and Sunset getting back together, yet somehow this story showed me that all I ever really wanted was for them to reconcile. Maybe it's because canon has caught up to them emotionally. This piece is based off that one music video where Flash sings about how he's okay being a background human and the girls fight a giant toaster (if you haven't seen it, it was great), and that's just the perfect blend of near-death danger and gratuitous ridiculousness to make a story like this work. Plus Bevin Brand's art on the cover… Bgghh, this was great.
Highly Recommended
Super Awkward by AugieDog
Genre: Future Fic
The battle with Grogar didn't exactly end well, but five years later, the girls are picking things back up where they left off. Kind of.
A part of me really, really loves this. Any chance for the girls to get their superhero on is a good one in my book. And not only are most of them on a city-renowned team called the Sentinels (squee!), they've absorbed their geodes, super-charging their abilities and producing some impressive changes. Apple's a giantess, for instance. Pinkie can literally explode herself. Sunset can access the minds of literally anyone around her, while Fluttershy constantly emits pheromones that affect even her human friends. And, uh, Fluttershy's kind of the big issue I have with this story; suffice to say, there's an early joke where Pinkie mixes up "animal husbandry" with shall we say, "husband duties", which is later revealed to be the actual case. Granted, squeamishness about taboo subjects isn't my only complaint here. The more I think about the main conflict, the less satisfied I am with it, not only for what it is, but for how everyone reacts to it. And that's a shame, since the relationship between Sunset and Time Turner is rendered so lovingly, I was really scared it might be what was ending. This story pleases my inner child who still loves superheroes, but it's not Augie's best work by far.
Recommended for Superhero Fans
Love's a Witch (and a She-Demon, Too) by RB_
Genre: Mystery/Drama
Someone's been trashing Sunset and Twilight's stuff and vandalizing Sunset's apartment. But who could have it out for them?
So this one's full of awesome stuff: SciSet, Sirens, Sunset in a suit… All the things I like to see in an EQG fic that start with S. :B It's also got a really compelling mystery that keeps you in the dark, the clues visible but never making sense until the very end. And, as has been pointed out, it's got one of the most reasonable breakups in probably this entire contest. So yeah, this one's high on my list already.
Highly Recommended
Inked by Dr Sharaz Jek
Genre: Drama
Sunset never imagined being with another girl, until she met Inky Rose.
The first chapter of this story is really great. It's written with a dreamlike quality as Sunset just falls into this whirlwind romance with Inky Rose, their relationship is so sensual this skirts the rating, and I dunno, I just liked watching Sunset discover herself. But then things take an abrupt left turn into drama territory as, instead of letting anything naturally come between them, Inky just breaks up with her for no reason. The drama doubles, then triples, then gets washed away when Sunset gets over herself and rebounds hard. I feel like all the right steps were there, but the story itself was rushed to fulfill the contest's parameters, not to mention this has that old standard cliche of a female protagonist admiring herself in the mirror nude. I think the author just really wanted to write porn.
Vaguely Recommended
Reformation's Downside by Moonlit Sky
Genre: Drama
Adagio and Sunset were doing just fine, until Sunset went and got reformed.
As someone who's never really gotten the point of Sundagio, I have to say I like this way of getting them together. It's told from Adagio's POV and starts before the first movie, putting the two of them on even footing in terms of not being such great people. Once it moves past the first movie, however, it gets harder to justify what's going on. I can't really see the events of Rainbow Rocks (or Backstage Pass) as any kind of lovers' quarrel. This might have actually worked better if it had been full-on AU. Still, it's written well and it's a solid look at Adagio's character.
Recommended for Siren Fans
Shimmer Run 2101 by Hoers Incognito
Sequel to Shimmer Run 1981
Genre: Sci-Fi/Crossover
After a disastrous defeat by the Osees, it's up to Derpy and Trixie to rebuild the resistance.
The original Shimmer Run was one of my favorite entries in the previous contest. This… is really odd. For one thing, Sunset dies in the first chapter. For another, each chapter (after the first?) is a crossover or at least homage to a different video game. The narrative jumps around at breakneck pace, there are a ton of editing mistakes, this doesn't seem to want to admit that it's a comedy… I just don't know what went wrong. To make this a sequel to the previous story took some chutzpah; 1981 basically exists to set up the otherwise strange pairing. But this has pretty much nothing to do with the first story, and though there are some hilariously ridiculous moments, overall it kind of doesn't make sense. I have to say, I was kind of disappointed. :/
Not Recommended
One Sunset, One Lemon, One End by Marwile
Sequel to Six Friends, One Lemon
Genre: Drama
Sunset is planning to go back to Equestria, but she doesn't know how to tell her girlfriend.
Well, I think this is our first threequel, finishing up a storyline started back in Changing Seasons. And, uh, well, Lemon Zest calls Sunset "Shim-chan" in the first scene, and I was reminded why I had rated the previous two entries so low. :/ The writing may have actually improved again, but there's still lots of pop-culture references. Though really, the thing biting my butt this time is the way the dialogue is written for crying characters, lots of stuttering and drawing out words and… I don't know, it just irritated the hell out of me. And I shouldn't have to add that writing like that comes side-by-side with needless melodrama. The rest is flashbacks, and while some are amusing, I had to wonder why they were even there. The answer, of course, is why any of this is happening: more drama. I still just don't get it.
Vaguely Recommended
Plugged In by Impossible Numbers
Genre: Weird Cyberpunk
Sunset could do anything, because life was chaos.
Thanks to PhycoKrusk for a genre tag that fit way better than plain old "Cyberpunk". So. Bottom line, this story is experimental and really weird. It's a good fit for people who like reading writing. Myself, I've read a lot of "world of chaos" stories about Discord winning and whatnot, but those were all built on bombast. First, something weird happens and then, before you're done witnessing that, something else weird happens. Here, the situations are strange — the bar is populated only with chickens — but they make sense once you've stepped over the context threshold. And maybe that's not true chaos, but it sure as hell means the themes can come through, for all that I couldn't tell you if there's deeper meaning to anything that's happening. Still, this is unique, kind of dark, and one heck of a ride, so it won't be for everyone.
Recommended
Fifteen Pages by NaiadSagalotaOar
Genre: Tragedy
In Rarity's diary were fifteen pages of note.
I have never read journal fic like this before, and I guarantee you haven't, either. Looking at all the chapters, I figured it was just going to be one per page, but that's not the half of it. The description of each page — style of writing, shakiness, doodles and pictures — is just as important to telling this story as the words Rarity uses to tell it. The writing of the metafiction is just as elegant as Rarity's own, and it culminates in one of the best finales I've ever seen. Telling a full story in just fifteen short pages could have been a monumental task, but Naiad rose to it with aplomb. This is one of the most original and excellent fanfics I've had the pleasure to read.
Highly Recommended
A Lily on the Windowsill by Pascoite
Sequel to My Past Is Not Tonight, Either
Genre: Tragedy
Derpy's such a naturally upbeat girl, but Sunset can tell something's bothering her.
An irrepressible, bubbly Derpy was the highlight of My Past Is Not Tonight, and while she takes center stage here, it's not quite for the same reasons. This is a tried-and-true look into depression, and how it can seem to appear out of nowhere when someone is good at hiding it. It's heartbreaking to watch Sunset struggling to reach out to her girlfriend, and of course in this contest, you know there can't be a happy ending. So long as you know what you're going in for, this won't disappoint.
Recommended If You Like Sadfics
Beach Sunsets by BoredAuthor817
Genre: Sad
Sunset and Adagio try to make the best of their last days together.
I think this author has improved a good bit since the last contest. :) The writing's not perfect, but I found my attention held through the whole thing. This doesn't try hitting the feels buttons, it's never overdramatic or sappy, just a quiet, sometimes cute but always melancholy look at Sunset trying her best to enjoy what little time she has left with her girlfriend. I will say I was a tad disappointed by the ending, but it does at least make sense given the characters; it just wasn't how I wanted this to end. So, not bad!
Recommended
Coming Down by Manly Man
Genre: Drama
The problem with Vinyl and Sunset's relationship is that it relies on drugs.
Boy, I do not know what to think about this one. I got it in my head early on that this was an 80's anti-drug PSA, but the details about both how the drugs felt when used and how difficult it was for Vinyl to sober up made me wonder if this wasn't at least somewhat derived from personal experience. Plus, this has some very interesting things to say about consent that I've never seen discussed before, and while it leads to a highly unsatisfying end (if this had been written for anything other than this contest, I expect they'd have gotten back together), I think the sentiment was worth exploring. So yeah, not bad.
Recommended If You Like Stories About Real-World Issues
Playing Detective by GaraTheAuthor
Genre: Mystery/Dark
Hundreds of miles outside civilization, Rarity and her friends try to figure out who killed their girlfriend.
I imagine when GaraTheAuthor saw this contest's parameters, pushed up her sleeves and said something pithy like "hold my beer". The first thing we see in this story is a dead Sunset Shimmer. The second is the revelation that the human seven have all been dating — I expect this will be many readers' first encounter with the word 'polycule' — meaning that not one but six relationships have been ended. The rest is pretty great, especially given Rarity's characterization and the way she conducts the investigation. The ending was a downer, but probably just because I didn't want it to be true. I mean, when a murder suspect is one of six girls, you know a story can't have a happy ending, but still. This is really good, regardless.
Highly Recommended
Acceptance by Rixec
Genre: Sad
Sunset thinks it's time she and Twilight stop their research.
I wish the writing in this were a little better, because I love the central conceit as well as the way it's told. Which is not to say this is bad, just that when the writing gets clunky, it clunks hard, from misused words to a long passage of exceedingly explainy dialogue. But if you can deal with that kind of thing, this is a really good, short idea fic.
Recommended for the Forgiving
Inner Demons by Bittercup
Genre: Philosophical?
Two demons connect even as they fade away.
I have to say, I didn't like this one. For one, if you're going to overwrite a story, at least make sure you're using the words properly. Number, the characters, especially the two demons, speak in florid poetry that I suppose could have made sense, but would have required a significantly longer story to ease the reader into. Which is a shame, because this is another story told from an interesting perspective about something I haven't seen before.
Not Recommended
Broken Glass by axxuy
Genre: Melodrama
Trapped in Equestria, Sunset plots to get her life back, or at least get revenge.
I wonder if the author wanted to take Sunset back along the path to sociopathy she had come down or something. I mean, if they did, it doesn't matter, since this has nothing in the way of resolution. The reason Sunset gets trapped on the other side of the mirror is that Twilight decided to act extremely out of character for the purpose of building drama, and that's it. I can see so many ways this could have been handled better, things that she actually would have done. And it's all for nothing in the end, really. This story just doesn't work.
Not Recommended
Role of a Lifetime by Princess Platinum Blonde
Genre: Dark Comedy
Sunset really should break up with Juniper. She just can't figure out the right way to do it.
Let me get this out up front: this is really dark. It's all fridge horror, but the more you think about this, the less likely it is to actually be funny. I still laughed, because I'm terrible and because I was really surprised where this went. I also appreciated the setup, of Sunset falling into dating Juniper Montage out of some misplaced desire to give her the friendship she needs coupled with letting her get her hopes up about just what their meetings actually meant. So yeah, not bad, but not for everyone.
Recommended for Terrible People
Strings of the Narrative by Grey Vicar
Genre: Dark
Sunset wakes up in bed with Flash Sentry, in a relationship she does not remember.
I was afraid at first this would be some cranky metatextual twaddle: oh no, Sunset's been shipped with someone without any say! Woe upon shippers, ruining our fandom! But then I realized, it was far worse: This is basically just Background Pony. I mean, it's not mired in self-pity (nor as long), but Sunset's trapped in a situation where she can't even tell anyone what the problem is because of wacky coincidences. Her frustration was palpable, is my point, for all that said coincidences were almost always amusing. Ultimately, this is a short and very intense look at what some people will do to gain control of their lives. And I'm not kidding, this goes to some really dark places by the end. Another look at the editing could have helped a bit, but if nothing else, this is a better execution of an idea similar to a previous entry.
Recommended for Sunset Shimmer Fans
How Is Your Life So Crazy? by Cereal-Killer
Genre: 2P Comedy
You cannot believe the things your girlfriend gets up to.
I kinda wish this had just been your standard blank slate second-person protagonist instead of Pony Joe, because I kind of can't see him as, y'know, of an age that he should be dating someone in high school. <.< Or, y'know, just drop the second person because there's literally no reason for it. Although the actual problem is that this is just a single idea explained in a thousand words: any normal-style significant other of Sunset Shimmer's would probably have a hard time dealing with all the otherworldly magic stuff that goes on around her. There's no real development of the idea beyond that, nor did I get a good sense of the relationship as a preexisting thing. So while this wasn't bad, per se, neither does it have much going for it.
Vaguely Recommended
Under the Moonlight by Artistkun
Genre: Romance?
Sunset and Moondancer have one last date.
This story has most of the errors you could hope to find in a fanfic, so there's no sense listing them off. I don't like discouraging writers, but I also expect anyone entering a writing contest to at least have a second person look over their work for typos. And like… this isn't how ending a relationship works in the least.
Not Recommended
Small, Insignificant Things by DrugOverlord
Genre: Drama
I've seen time and time again authors choosing to write in thick, florid, writerly prose and then putting the story in first-person, where such prose doesn't sound anything like the character who's supposed to be thinking it. But with Fluttershy, especially in EQG, I can totally buy it. This is a really masterful look at her as a character, and shipping her with Sunset only reinforces this. They're both really messed up people — no fairy tale endings, here — and compliment each other well. Or maybe poorly. That's kind of what this is about. That said, the reader will need to spend a lot of effort to take this all in, especially the time skips, which aren't always immediately obvious or easy to grasp. If you're the kind of person who doesn't mind giving a little, you'll get a lot out of this.
Highly Recommended
Arrhythmia by Posh
Genre:
Prequel to ...But It Often Rhymes
Flash Sentry wonders how someone as amazing as Sunset Shimmer can be happy just staying in one place.
Man, if you ever wanted good high school drama, look no further. Everyone thinks Flash Sentry is amazing, Flash thinks Sunset is amazing, no surprise if you've been reading this series that they're each screwed up in their own special way. This chronicles their breakup over some bad communication (and a much better relationship taking form over its ashes, if I'm being perfectly honest and completely objective), and that's not only all there is to it, but all there needed to be. Cheerilee does make an appearance, but a small one. Again, if you've read the other two entries in this series, we get but a tiny hint of what's bothering her. She's not a central figure. Anyway, I thought this was great.
Highly Recommended
Sunset Shimmer Breaks Up With Everyone by KitsuneRisu
Genre: Comedy
This comes as something of a surprise.
From the first sentence, you know this one's gonna be good. This story makes me realize how much I missed KitsuneRisu's particular brand of surreal humor while he was gone. And the best part is, once the breakups actually start, you begin to see the method to the madness. And that's really all you have to know. This is the kind of thing that KitsuneRisu does best!
Highly Recommended
In and Out of Phase by Grand_Moff_Pony
Genre: Sad
A life well lived is a life well remembered…
Big ups to GMP for experimentation. This is not just a dialogue-only fic, but it literally gives us only Sunset's dialogue. That's pretty heavy! And it works out pretty darn well, too, considering he's sketched a SciSet relationship that I really did not want to see end. And yes, the technique means that there are some passages that are a little more explainy than normal dialogue would generally need to be, but overall, it works excellently. Of course, the relationship has to end, and it does so in about the most depressing way possible, but at least this wasn't another of the many drama-laden breakups coming out of this contest. (Four H's in a row!)
Highly Recommended
Sculpted Relations by CoverArt
Genre: Drama
Wallflower tries one last time to take Sunset on a nice date.
Well, if the author wanted to demonstrate why Wallflower Blush should not date Sunset, they did a good job. Sunset's extremely dismissive of her girlfriend and doesn't seem to share any interests with her. Despite them going to a sculpture garden and her being, y'know, an artist. But it didn't sell me on the relationship in the first place, and the author could have stood to get an editor. As it is, this was really too short to accomplish much.
Not Recommended
Distance Over Time by Nonchalant
Genre: Character Piece
Fluttershy's going away for six weeks. Nothing Sunset can't handle. Not that things would be better if she were here...
One more time, we have a story that does an excellent job depicting mental illness. Sunset is suffering from depression and deep self-loathing, and slowly lets it get in the way of her relationship with Fluttershy. Also noteworthy is the use of a Discord-style social media platform to tells parts of the story; I bring it up specifically because "DragonFlare" is such a fantastic name for EQG social media, I'm shocked no one's used it before. Point is, it's heartbreaking watching this slide slowly to the inevitable conclusion, but I was captivated the entire way.
Highly Recommended
WORLD IS IN DANGER. DON'T TALK TO ME. by Aragon
Genre: Comedy/Drama
With ambient magic on the rise, Sunset breaks up with Rainbow Dash and that was maybe not the best idea right then.
Aragon is the kind of person who's writing at a caliber such that even the stories of his which are not as good as his other stories are still really good and super worth reading. I say this because the setup and general milieu is highly akin to his entry in the first Sunset Shipping contest, so comparing the two becomes easy. And I mean, this is so obviously Aragon's style and approach to writing comedy, action and the EQG cast, you most likely already know it's good. I said it was good, and this is why. My one complaint is that the ending was kind of underwhelming after all the hilarity and crazy twists leading up to it. This is a lot higher on the drama scale, so stops being quite so off-kilter after a while, and I was kind of surprised that I didn't like it more by the end. That said, again, this is still really good, and if nothing else, the journey is totally worth it. You'll be laughing a lot.
Recommended
Sunny Side Down by Norm de Plume
Genre: Slice of Life
For Aria, stealing cars is about the thrill of the hunt.
Another story where I really didn't want the relationship to end. D: Damn, did this have a lot of stuff I loved, though. I mean, for starters, Limestone Pie is a side character. Then there's Aria and Sunset's relationship, which isn't very physical because neither of them feels at home in a human body. I was really impressed by how well all the names fit in, from ponified things like "GRAZR" to the natural sounding car models. But most of all, this just comes off as a very solid look into the life of someone working in repossession, and fits that in with Aria's personality perfectly. The writing is strong, and the world is realistic despite the presence of Equestrian magic. What a great work.
Highly Recommended
The Love and Times of Sunset and Twilight by RainbowSparkle3
Genre: Drama
Sunset finally acts on her crush.
Not sure what I can say about this story, as there's just not a whole lot to it. Sunset asks Twilight out, they have some really cute scenes together, then a single fight sours the relationship and they predictably break up. The author even says this was rushed, and the writing feels it, but ultimately the problem is that there's nothing noteworthy about this piece. It's a workmanlike and average get-together-and-break-up story, the end.
Vaguely Recommended
It's Always Sunny in Equestria by PapierSam
Genre: Time Loop
Breaking up with Flash Sentry is bad enough, but it just keeps happening.
The weird thing about this story is that it's a time loop in a post-Backstage Pass world. Like, I feel the idea has already been done, even if the special didn't involve a breakup, and the author doesn't do anything particularly different with it. This could have been the same story if Flash just kept asking to break up, Sunset kept saying no, and she went to talk to her friends about it. That being, this is still a really good story. The interactions Sunset has with her friends are all great, and there's Soarinshy (!!!) that is super adorable, not to mention Sunset having some lingering feelings for someone surprising. There's a lot of that, in fact. The other big caveat, though, is the amount of typos; I suspect, given this story's position in the contest, it was either rushed or, more likely, there wasn't time for a full editing run before submitting. Either way, I hope the author goes back over it once the results come out.
Recommended If You Don't Mind Typos
Zealots of Canterlot by Aquaman
Genre: Emotional
Sunset attends Twilight's funeral.
I often say, generally to myself, that the highest function of fiction writing is to capture a feeling, an emotion. To take the internal and make it not just external, but understandable. This is that kind of story. The feelings on display are the jumble of emotions one experiences at a funeral, plus grief from losing someone, plus trying to deal with someone you love being suicidal. Chapter two, which features a breakdown from Sunset and from Twilight's mom, the most well-conceived emotional event I have ever read, is absolutely staggering. And it's even better because this has something to say. I don't care who you are, where you are, or what period of your life you're in, you need to read this.
Highly Recommended
Doubleblind by MaxKodan
Genre: Thriller
Sunset finds out her ex is dating someone new, not to mention very familiar, and she's determined to find out why.
The worst thing I can say about this story is that it took me most of it to figure out what it was really up to. It makes a large ask of the reader right at the start, with Chrysalis finding Sunset the moment she steps through the portal for the first time, putting her up, setting up basically everything she did before the first movie, and of course dating her. Maybe I was spending too much time trying to figure out if that all made sense with the canon timeline; my suggestion is you just roll with it. Because this is a story about Sunset stalking her ex for noble and maybe not-so-noble purposes, and it's pretty exciting. There's a lot going on between them, and working through that was half the fun.
Recommended
Sunset Dates a Spider by Lofty Withers
Genre: WHAT
It's scary who you can find via online dating sites.
Wow, I just… Wow. Easily the most bizarre story of the contest. Features a good lesson about judging people by their actions and not what they are. Ends with a really fantastic joke, like, "I can't believe this went there" fantastic. But literally what.
Recommended If You Like Weird Shit
Half of a Whole by The Lone Doctor
Sequel to My How the Seasons Go By...
Genre: Historical Crossover
Sunset has come back from Equestria, but she's not the same woman Marble knew.
It's important to remember that the first story (from Changing Seasons and not Journeys like I thought) takes place in a continuity that ask "What if Fall of Equestria happened in Vietnam?" And, well, this is a story about Sunset coming back from that Vietnam full of PTSD. And that's really about it. This is normally something worth writing about, but the way it's presented, from the perspective of a former Amish girl in the late 1970's, when mental illness was considerably more taboo a topic than it is today, there's this mystery of "what's wrong with Sunset?" that is blatantly obvious to anyone who knows anything about mental health. Also, like the previous story, the writing leaves something to be desired, with lots of close repetitions and typos, and a bunch of emotional stuttering toward the end that really got on my nerves. So I have to say I liked the first story better, but the way this went, I can at least say it presented a relationship that needed to end, which is more than I can say for some of the other stories in this contest.
Recommended if You Like Stories About War
Sunset Paradox by Shortmane
Genre: Dramedy
Twilight has to break up with Sunset. Ignore that they were never going out in the first place.
I feel bad for Shortmane. Sunset Breaks Up With Everyone is a tough act to follow, and this story is similar enough that the comparison comes readily to mind. But what this has going for it, aside from classic Sunlight instead of SciSet, is a strong breakup narrative that builds to be surprisingly touching despite its exceedingly goofy concept. This is, in fact, a really good story, and I wished dearly that Twilight would get over herself and stop being so Twilight about everything. Y'know? Strong characterization, crazy concept that turns into something really worthwhile: this is just good.
Highly Recommended
Distant Voices by DwarvishPony
Sequel to Voices Taken
Genre: Sad
Sunset's been trying to restore Adagio for two years now, but nothing's changed.
Darn. Voices Lost and Voices Taken have been highlights of the past two Sunset Shipping contests. Distant Voices... is not. It is perhaps an inevitable conclusion to the arc set up in its predecessors — the reasons given for why Sunset and Adagio can't work things out are well considered — but it feels very abrupt, almost an afterthought, and wasn't particularly satisfying. I wonder if it's because we're in Sunset's head for this instead of Adagio's; that was certainly a strength of the previous two stories. Maybe it's the shortness? I don't know. This definitely presents an unavoidable breakup, but there's so very little grounding in this story itself that… I dunno, I wish I liked it more.
Recommended Only If You Enjoy Breakup Fics
Endings by rillegas08
Genre: Drama
Flash Sentry is beginning to suspect something is wrong with his girlfriend.
Simply put, this is the story of Flash and Sunset's original, pre-canon breakup. I'm surprised I haven't read it before. This is really straightforward, though, no twists and not much drama, either. The character of Flash's dad is really odd, too. We're not given any description of him or really much of anything; he just exists as this nebulous fountain of wisdom. The writing also leaves something to be desired, being about as plain as the story it's telling. So while it's nice someone decided to tackle this idea, the story plays out in precisely the way you'd think it might.
Vaguely Recommended
A Letter to My Lover, and One for Myself by King of Beggars
Genre: Emotional
Sunset's wife left her specific instructions to carry out.
Much like Rarity's love for her wife, I cannot quite do this story justice with words. Sunset goes back to Equestria, carrying Rarity's ashes, to distribute them in Rainbow Falls, while accompanied by her late wife's pony counterpart. I mean, look at how many things you've got going there! Sunset is an absolute wreck in this story, and those emotions are explored with an unparalleled nuance and depth. The scenery is lush, the writing overall is just fantastic. It's been a while since I read some of the other stories I really liked in this contest, but I hope this one wins.
Highly Recommended
Were I a Good Person, I Would Not Foist Upon the Sunset Shimmer Shipping Contest Judges and Readers of This Fair Site a Last Minute Entry Into Said Contest. Unfortunately For All Y'all, I am not a Good Person. by Super Trampoline
Genre: Wow
Sunset breaks up with Twilight because she's a liberal.
So this is basically a blog post, or sort of Super Trampoline thinking out loud in story form, with memes and inline images and embedded links to his other stories. It was kind of amazing; I particularly liked the shrug. FanOfMostEverything may not have liked this, but I had a blast!
If You've Read Super Trampoline's Stories, You Know What You're Getting Yourself Into
Experiment C-13 by Botched Lobotomy
Genre: Slice of Life
Sunset and Twilight had spent the last three years being happy. But now…
The first chapter of this story lays out Sunset's creeping depression in such stark and detailed relief, it's almost a shame the rest of it is her trying to work toward the inevitable via visiting each of her friends. Though I have to say, I liked the view of where each was after not enough time had passed for Sunset to graduate college; it all felt entirely natural. And yeah, this is basically a story about Sunset working up the nerve to talk to Twilight about what's wrong in their relationship, but painting that on this big a canvas drives home just how difficult such a task can be. This is really true to life in a way I've not seen since Driver's Side last contest, so be sure to check it out.
Recommended
Black Candles & Pink Butterflies by DeathWitch
Genre: Dark
Sunset may have lost Fluttershy, but she's not ready to let her go.
This story oozes teen angst. I mean, I've read a lot of stories recently about Sunset outliving her significant other, and it's natural for her to be depressed, mopey and withdrawn. But the amount of "the world doesn't understand me" really struck me as odd. And that's to say nothing of the "Fluttershy is a Pagan and we must hide this from her devout Christian parents" background conflict. I mean, I believe about half of that sentence. Geez. Beyond that, I have to say I was overall disappointed. I mean, this is a story about how holding onto the past is not good for you, which is maybe no surprise. But we had a chance to dive into some really dark places as Sunset mixes Equestrian magic and human magick, and literally nothing was done with it beyond "Sunset can talk to dead Fluttershy now". Instead, this reads like a manual for doing pagan rituals. The writing isn't bad, though the pacing is a little fast, it's just that there's little conflict and not much happens that's actually interesting, not even the Tempest Shadow cameo, which is like… a completely separate story. A shame, since it's an original idea.
Vaguely Recommended
A Moment in Autumn by wishcometrue
Genre: Drama
The Rainbooms' touring puts a strain on Sunset's relationship.
Sunset and Trixie? That's pretty rare. And I have never felt as bad for a character in a story as I did for Trixie in this. I mean, I felt pretty bad for Sunset, too; maybe it's just a consequence of being packed in a van on a lengthy road trip, but her friends were kind of horrifically not understanding towards her the entire time. No wonder she kept catching on fire(??!!!) But if I liked anything about this story, it's that it's not here for romance, but to remind us that a relationship is a commitment, and if only one person is willing to put in the effort for that commitment, it's not going to last. This is the kind of thing I want in my shipfics.
Recommended
The End by Strawberry Sunrise
Genre: Drama
Discord decides to stop helping Sunset see her boyfriend.Well, this is the epitome of a last-minute contest entry, all right. Story-wise, the one thing it was missing was comedy. I mean, it's so circumspect about who Sunset's boyfriend is, I figured the reveal was going to be the punchline. And then after the reveal (of an OC), I figured it was going to be a feghoot. But none of that happened. Maybe it was going for some kind of telenovela gag with the heartfelt exclamations of love? Well, anyway you slice it, it doesn't really work. So I'm really dumb. The reveal is the gag, but it's of a character whose name you (like me) may not be aware of. So I recommend hitting up the wiki and searching his name when he appears. I don't want to spoil it. :)
Recommended for Laughs
Forgotten Relationships by TCC56
Genre: Sad
The Memory Stone stole more than memories of Sunset's friendships.
If there's anything to be said for this could-have-been-an-entry story, it's that its attempts to fit some SunFlower into the background of EQG canon honestly make a lot of sense. There's not much more to it than just Wallflower explaining what they lost, but I like what's there. Also, not actually an ending.
Recommended for Shippers
Pie in the Sky by Oroboro
Sequel to A Rock Facing West
Genre: Drama
While Sunset's friends are away having the time of their life at a private beach, she's having weird dreams and second thoughts about Marble.
And last (thank god) but not least, the contest organizer's own vanity entry! And in it, he reminds us of two very important things: a relationship won't fix what's wrong with you, and you can't be responsible for someone else's happiness. He also gives us another really cool monster. But most importantly, this is about those first two things, and so becomes one of the most realistic shipfics I've ever seen, with one of the best morals. Read it!
Highly Recommended
I'll be the first to admit my story is unsatisfying. I was a bit rushed after scrapping the original storyline and I just didn't have the time to polish the new version.
Oh well. Leftove should check out the other stories, some of them are fantastic.
Wow, harsh much? I know that my story wasn't the best but at least I tried. At best I could get an honorable mention, besides I knew that I wouldn't win but I tried anyway, that's more than I could say for you. You did not even enter so why judge the stories in the contest if you're not part of the judging panel for the contest?
All right! I upped my game from My Nightmarish Heroine’s Not Recommended and got a Conditionally Recommended this time! I still have trouble with telling at times, but it’s good to see I’ve progressed over the years.
5153820
Because he’s been doing fic reviews literally for years, often including all the entries in various contests.
It’s kind of his thing.
Two recommended marks? I'll take that and be happy!
Hooray for reviews!
TCC56 is one of those criminally underappreciated new writers who make me glad I keep reading as much as I do.
I feel like this should go on the story page right under my quote.
In any case, yeah, I didn't read nearly as many as these as with the previous Sunset Shipper contests. I like happy endings, darn it!
And no rush at all with Imposing Sovereigns II. Especially not after this marathon. You go recharge.
5153823 When someone bashes a story that you created like that authors tend to get offended. At least I'm not like any of those asshats that flies off the handle about that.
5153826
I mean, a lot of them don’t get offended. Feel like that’s worth mentioning. I personally look forward to PP reviewing my stuff because I know he’ll be honest about what works and what doesn’t.
I guess if it does offend you, you can ask him to remove the review. He’s done it before upon request.
5153830 Meh, not going to, for one it would be too much of a hassle to make him do it, and second I can always turn it around by publishing a story fans like. Either way, what he says doesn't really matter all that much in the long run.
5153820 The review in question, for anyone who doesn't want to scroll through the blog:
This is negative and critical, but saying it's "bashing" your story is taking it too far. Reviews aren't personal; don't take them personally. Just accept the critique and try to do better next time.
Or blow it off, I guess. Either says something about you.
Oh man, thank you for the kind words Present, it means a lot hearing that you enjoyed the fic.
I also like your telling of my journey to the story, makes me sound far more competent when in reality I went,
"Oh fuck, I suck at writing meaningful human connections."
"..."
"Corpses don't need to have meaningful human connections."
Wow, my silly stupidity gets an HR?
Undome's fic, yeah, the ending was something all-around concerning. But that aside I really liked it. If nothing else it's a very unique idea.
Well that's an underatement!
I take that as a challenge. The victim was Blueblood and Rarity wants to find out whodunit so she can thank them.
Thanks for the nice words about my story, PP~
5153838
The only way PP's assessment of your story doesn't matter is if you choose not to take his criticism to heart and use it to try to improve your writing.
Also, you did fly off the handle a little. Not a lot, but you made a personal attack on PP about his right to publicly have an opinion based on his level of participation in the contest. He didn't make any personal attacks on you, anything he said -- whether you choose to interpret it as an attack or not -- was based solely on the merits of your writing.
Separate yourself from your work, friend, hard as that is to do. You'll feel better and be better if you do.
5153874
If I'm being a hundred percent truthful, my nonexistent vote for winner is a three-way tie for A Letter to My Lover, Fifteen Pages and Zealots of Canterlot. Those are the three stories that just... whoo, they all hit me with that sudden, inescapable and completely visceral emotional impact, and they're all top-tier fiction. You done good. :D
Man, it's a weird feeling to think I've been looking forwards to this as much or more than the official results.
Big thanks for the glowing review, and bigger props for getting through these all!
Thanks for reviewing "Endings"! I admit it's not quite what I wanted it to be, and the deadline and my procrastination helped with that, otherwise my . Much of the critiques you mentioned were intentional, notably having no twists because I wanted it to be about the pain of breaking up with someone you still love, as well as not describing Flash's dad in order for the reader to form their own image of a positive father figure.
Always a blast to read your reviews PPerfect! We should hold a story review writing contest so we can officially solidify your territory.
And yeah, I can only imagine the number of typos; I wrote the thing in 12 hrs and only half of one was put to editing. Definitely going over it once the judging is done.
If I had actually finished No longer Necessary, it would have been an exception, the ending it's heading toward is pretty damned saccharine (especially considering where it starts out) but as is I've got a prologue and two chapters of suicidal depression, then two chapters of the very beginnings of recovery, then a chapter that I really shouldn't have posted in the first place (it needs to be rewritten practically from the ground up), and . . . no ending.
Not sure how people feel about it as it currently stands, but I'm guessing "depressing" would be a pretty common descriptor. It's sort of like Emmet's speech in The Lego Movie. It starts off depressing, but there was going to be a "but", but it cuts off before it gets to that point.
I figured that the contest was going to be mostly about bad endings, and quite possibly a fair amount of stories that start in a good place and then show things falling apart. I liked the idea of a story with that in reverse. A good ending, a positive break up, and generally a story that starts in a bad place with everything in pieces, and shows things being put together / built up.
I didn't actually set out to come up with an idea that had all those things, I think it was just that I wanted a positive ending where both parties were better off, then I came up with the premise, and then I realized that it had all those thing. (And then I utterly failed to deliver.)
In the time since then, I haven't exactly been healthy, which has prevented me from getting back to the story and finishing it. I've actually gotten worse. Hopefully that's ending, but I've been faked out so very many times at this point.
[/end of making everything about me]
Thanks for reviewing mine. It was a rush job at the deadline as I had writer's block until then. I'm glad you liked a lot about it, even if you said some things were clunking. Would you mind sending me something more detailed on those clunks some time in a PM so I can know where to improve?
(sighs) I don't understand why people think the takeaway from the story was that the one fight is what made them break up. They just became different people, and they weren't romantically the right people for each other anymore. But other than that, thanks for the feedback. I have some arguments, but I get why you feel the way you do about it.
Thanks for the kind words, Present!
I'm super glad that you enjoyed the story so much.
Thanks for the review! The social media thing was admittedly a point of stress for me, since that kind of storytelling can easily become overbearing. I suppose I wanted to focus as much on the effects of a lack of communication as on the actual conversations that lead to a breakdown/eventual breakup. "DragonFlare"? I think that was an on-the-moment stroke of luck and inspiration. More than either was present in the rest of the story at least.
Either way, thanks for reading, too! And all you people out there, go check out the other fics in this blog! Everyone tried damn hard and made some really cool stuff! It was a blast to be part of this contest.
0/10 review of Arrhythmia. Mentioned Cheerilee, but not passive-aggressive Snitty Belle's cameo. I bet u don't even lizzen 2 MCR.
Agreed on your review, and I hope you weren't pulling any punches. The rating is fair, but we'd discussed the story a bit on Discord as well, and there's something I consider a weakness of this story and its prequel, and you called out other stories for the same thing, so I'll bring it up.
Well, first, I don't really go about entering contests the right way. Rather than have a big, coherent thing, I usually get an idea I like for some specific aspect of the story and build a story around that. I don't get inspiration easily, and writing from a prompt is kind of like using someone else's idea. It's often apparent my focus was on that one thing.
So here, I provided enough of a justification as to why these two characters get along, in an academic sense. There's a logic to it. But it never clicked for me how that makes the jump to love, and if it's not quite there for me, I can't expect it to be for readers.
I'm glad that what grabbed you about the first story was Derpy's irrepressible happiness and Sunset pushing her a little out of her comfort zone, since those were the concepts I was focused on. Well, that and the Aragon fan service of Sunset going ape shit on someone with a baseball bat. In this one, it was mostly that I enjoyed writing the action scene, and I wanted to see if I could pull off the tense change. The rest would have taken me a lot more time to do a better job of.
So yeah, fair rating, but it's worth me airing out more of why it deserves that conditional recommendation.
Thank you for your hard work, as always, in reviewing everything and everyone's faces.
I'm very surprised that I got the rating that I did, considering, but hey, I'll take it! Very happy for it.
Thanks for the review, Present. Glad you enjoyed Aria and Limestone wreaking havoc. Special shout out to my artist, JeNnDyLyOn for taking Sunset's wall mural and making it a reality for the cover art.
I love how I have transcended recommendation categories into a higher plane of shitposting.
5153825
It has been done.
Thank you for the review! I have a lot of mixed feelings about my story, but I'm glad you enjoyed the part of it that I definitely do.
This is worrying. I explicitly wrote the fic with the intention of clarifying the situation as much as possible, to the point of dividing chapters into "The Simulation" and "The Reality" as an obvious tip-off. For years, I've been told my writing of X, Y, and Z is confusing or unclear; the fact that I still can't avoid that criticism even when deliberately trying to pre-empt it is absolutely not a good sign.
This, for example. This suggests to me you interpreted the "AU" aspect as some kind of alternate history of canon Equestria, when what I intended was a different universe altogether re-using elements from the existing canon (I think you interpreted Sunset in the Otherworld similarly from way back when). I'd hoped to make that unambiguously clear from the worldbuilding in the first two or three scenes alone, plus the fact that this has a sci-fi bent that wouldn't be easy to square with the relatively low-tech world of canon Equestria.
As for the themes, perhaps I can clarify there, even if it is too little, too late. I was actually inspired by one of the winners from the previous contest. Specifically, from what you said about DrakeyC's Driver's Side:
So this time around, I took that and basically built everything around that idea: Sunset's relationship fails because, once past all the fun in the "infancy", neither side could handle the real world demands of commitment, through thick and thin. That informed the character choice too: it helps her partner is, fun-loving tendencies aside, kind of unpleasant.
The sci-fi element was actually meant to complement that; the simulation equates to escapism and covering up reality, trying to stay in that hedonistic, all-fun infancy instead of growing up and taking responsibility. It's a denial reflected in the story structure too, to the point we don't even find out the truth about the relationship (namely that the romantic partner is not Discord, but Lemon Hearts) until we get to the reality.
The ending was meant to split the difference: they can have some fun in the relationship, but taking responsibility and fixing their messes is now the priority. I also wanted to make something a little more positive out of the breakup, considering a lot of "endings" were going to be sad or, at the very least, "bittersweet".
But this is after-the-fact explanation. If that kind of thing isn't getting across in the moment, then I'll seriously need to rethink my approach. Again.
I don't believe you
5154091
Oh. Huh. That's not what people usually do with AU tags, so maybe I just wasn't expecting it. I mean, there's nothing going on in the story (as I recall; it's been months) that suggests what happened was something that couldn't be explained by a large time skip and Discord doing Discord things. :B
And by "reading writing", I mean appreciating the form of well-crafted language in addition to or even beyond the substance of the story.
I appreciate the time you took to review my story! It's honestly super refreshing having some criticism to work with so I can try some different things and maybe get better at this. As for my story, I do agree looking back it probably coulda used a bit more time in the proverbial oven, plus I think I took on more then I can chew length wise so I'm not surprised over any errors. Terms of the idea, oddly enough I thought it was a fun crossover to play around with(and it was definitely a fun experience writing it) the anime in question fit the theme fairly well, the contest theme immediately put both of the worlds in my mind at once and I decided to see how it'd turn out. Figured it'd be a little different twist compared to some of the other entries, but I guess it wasn't meant to be this time. Either way, thanks again for your thoughts.
Thanks, your review was very helpful and I hope will lead me to improve if I attempt another romance story! You're spot on about wanting to write porn, heh; I was trying to see how much sensuality I could slip in without breaking past the teen rating!
Also think the first chapter turned out the best because I was able to revise it several times, while chapter 3 in particular was very rushed as I sailed to meet the deadline. At the end I wanted to convey a role reversal, where Sunset goes from being seduced by Inky at the beginning, to being a seductress when she goes after Wallflower at the end (Only with what I wanted to imply was a happier ending to this new relationship), but I'm not sure if that came through.
5154726
Okay, I can kind of see that. The rushing likely did not help things, but it's not surprising in contests. :B
PresentPerfect, you are a hero for getting through all these.
Especially doing so before the judges do. That's a bloody admirable level of trolling. I'm just sad to see doing so took its toll on you.
Finally managed to sit down and at least skim to this blog properly. It's rare to see a blog of yours where I've read a very sizeable number of the participant entries -- mostly anything by anyone whose name I recognized, really -- and I gotta say, I disagree with a lot of your judgements here? But not in a 'wow he didn't get it' sense, as much as in a 'wow, PP really is more lenient than I am when judging these things, huh' sense. Thank God I don't post blogs like these cause I'd be harsh; there are some Recommendations and High Recommendations here that I would outright label with 'don't bother, not worth reading'.
I guess I'm a bit of a grump, though, and I do tend to be the bad cop in any situation where I'm supposed to judge stories next to other people -- last year's Sunset contest was a clear example of that, definitely -- so I'm okay with that. I haven't read Naiad's entry prior to this blog, though, so I'll check it out to see how it goes.
Re: my own review, it's so weird that I'm at the point where most reviewers just go "yeah it's Aragón you know the deal" and sorta like, leave it at that? I guess it's a compliment? This contest had an extremely unfairly low number of votes and views per-story, even though the quality of some entries was really really high, and I assume that it's because the public doesn't really want to read sad stories about a break-up (which I fully get; it's a topic I wouldn't have read much about otherwise, if it weren't for my own personal interest in this contest). That said, my story still managed to get featured and spend a while up there, and it got an okay number of views and votes -- ESPECIALLY relative to the average in the contest -- and I fuly believe it's because people saw my name attached to it, and went, oh. Oh it's this dude writing it? Okay it'll probably not be sad, then.
Which is good for me, mind you! I'm happy with that, hell of an ace under my sleeve that my name alone gets me out of common trappings like these ones -- but a bit unfair to other participants, whose entries were incredible. Shoutout to my boys Posh, Aquaman, and KingofBeggars, whose entries were absolutely astounding, and it's such a shame they didn't get even a quarter of the recognition they deserve.
5155375
This is actually what passes for harsh reviews from me these days. :B I expect better from people entering contests, for all that I know many get wrecked by the deadline, but I also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. D:
Finally got it in me to respond to this: I'm glad you enjoyed Doubleblind! Theres definitely some bug problems, but I had fun writing Chrys in this light, so I figure it balances out whether I nailed everything else or not. Learning experiences and all that.