The Stars Revolt! The Human Archives 4 · 3:21am Jul 30th, 2020
Once again, somewhere in the human archives...
Shepherd: "Okay, let's try this again. Door Gamma-Epsilon 887. What do you contain?"
He opens the door. Inside is... A small pool of water in a stone fountain of some kind.
Shepherd: "A pool of water. The container is stone-looked carved. But no obvious cultural origin..."
He knelt down in front of the pool... And then a woman with silvery hair wearing a toga burst out.
Shepherd: *Falls back* "BWAH! AHH! WHAT IN THE-?!"
Woman: "Hello. I am the Lady in the Lake. And having found you worthy, you will have Caliburn! The Sword that will make you King of England!"
Shepherd: "First off, I'm American."
Lady in the Lake: "But surely you must have-"
Shepherd: "Scottish and German descent, so how would that work? Second, shouldn't that be Excalibur? Caliburn was the sword in the stone."
Lady in the Lake: "Oh! A well educated Scotsman! That is a rarity!"
Shepherd: *Glare* "Well fuck you too."
Lady in the Lake: "And the swords got switched around thanks to the Holy Grail War."
Shepherd: "Wait, what?!"
Lady in the Lake: "But no, you are literally the only human in this world and thus, you are worthy by default!"
Shepherd: "Go back to the part where the Holy Grail War is real?"
Lady in the Lake: "Will you take the sword and become King of England?"
Shepherd: "I don't want to know that badly!"
Lady in the Lake: "Come on, take the sword already! You have any idea how long I've waited to get rid of it?!"
Shepherd: "Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!"
Lady in the Lake: "AND STOP QUOTING THAT INSIPID MOVIE!"
Shepherd: "How could you hate that movie?! It's one of the funniest ever made!"
Lady in the Lake: "Look, just take the stupid sword already!"
Shepherd: "You can't possibly expect me to take it now!"
Lady in the Lake: "... I'll have sex with you?"
Shepherd: "And now we're done." Gets up and turns around
Lady in Lake: "I'm taking my toga off right now!"
Shepherd: "Don't care."
Lady in the Lake: "I'LL EVEN SHAVE MY ARMPITS!"
Shepherd: "JUST GO AWAY! How can someone be King of England when there's no England, anyway?!"
Lady in the Lake: "..." *Goes POOF! and vanishes in a cloud of smoke, along with the pool*
Shepherd: "..."
Later, at the bar...
Shepherd: "... Is anything about that ever going to make sense?"
Twilight: "Well, there are many planar interactions across multiple timelines that seem tied to humanoid life, which may be due to magical reality blending..."
Applejack: *Pushes several mugs of heavily alcoholic cider towards him* "Probably better t' just down these and not worry too much."
Shepherd: "How do I repay you?"
Applejack: *winks* "Oh, ah'll think o' somethin'..."
Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
As long as Twilight isn't in need of an emergency mana transfer, I think we're golden.
5325416
Though you have to admit it would help with the latest Conquered Equestria (at the behest of the princesses) shenanigans.
... Well, huh. You know, he has a point.
Well Mordred was raised as the son of King Lot of the Lothians so if he'd had any kids at that point they'd probably be Scottish.
Plus the highest point in Edinburgh is called Arthur's Seat.
Okay, yes, obnoxious claymore-toting naiads are one thing, but there's no call for making her vanish in a puff of logic.
Dude, take the bloody sword. You live in a world where evil overlords and eldrich horrors show up every other month or so. A magic sword that shoots crotch destroying lasers would come in handy AND you get to introduce yourself as the King of England even if it's an empty title.
5325540
I... What? Have I been reading the wrong epics or something?
5325566
Reference to Fate/Grand Order. The Lady of the Lake here hints that this is the Fate series version of Caliburn. In FGO, Saber Lily, basically a younger version of Saber back when she still used Caliburn, has her Noble Phantasm attack take the form of an energy beam that shoots from the tip of the sword...and the animation has it almost assuredly land right between the legs of any human opponent targeted. Hence crotch destroying laser.
And if you don't know wtf I'm talking about, you'll have to look up Fate/Stay Night and its spinoffs.
Edit: or for the basics of the joke, just YouTube search "Saber Lily Noble Phantasm".
5325568
Oh, good. it's from one of the spinoffs. I was afraid my memories of the long-ago days of 2005-2006 were faulty and I was misremembering the 'Excalibur has to be cloaked in wind because otherwise it's too famous' thing.
5325540
Empty titles are the best titles! all of the fanciness with none of the responsibility!
Touched a nerve there, did he?
Did you just logic the spirit out of existence? Bad Shepherd! It's really not a nice thing to do!
5325416
The intended joke of that scene is the actual additional requirement: stabbing people like him with the sword that you have until they stop complaining. (Obviously, I dislike this on the same moral grounds you do, but it's how things worked back then)
He really lucked out. He could have gotten the Soul Eater version of Excalibur.
5325416
Bloody peasant!
I would appreciate it if you left a link to the previous Human Archive blog so that it’s easier to follow the story for us readers.
5327075
I do intend to put them into a story at some point... Which will solve that issue.
5327082
So this is more-or-less a preview of what might be incorporated into a future story? I like that