Hey, guys! This is not my first foray into the field of writing, but it is certainly my first public one. As such, I'd really like it to be as good as it can be. SO!

Hand of the Creator (Temp Title)

The above is three chapters of my first story. I would appreciate, if anyone cares enough to peruse my words, an honest review of my work. I'm mainly asking for opinions on my writing style, word choice, subject matter, plot development, the like, but I will gladly take advice of any sort. Here's hoping that the feedback I get helps me become a better writer.

So here I am, shouting my story into an empty cave.

I wonder what my echo will sound like.

4818661 I'll give it a look. You may want to allow comments on those documents, though. Providing feedback on the document itself would be a lot more convenient than here on this thread.

Oh, I'll look into it.

There, it should be fixed now and commenting enabled. Let me know if there are further problems.

4818715 Hmm, I still can't comment. Did you update the link in the thread?

Edit: Oh, those are Microsoft word files, aren't they? You could try pasting the text into a google doc. It'll also be more convenient for you, because fimfiction allows you to directly import from a google doc to your story.

In the meantime, I'll leave a few comments for chapter 1 here:

The first and second paragraphs are two separate scenes, right? I'm not sure the first scene really contributes anything to the story; It might be better if you just skipped to the meeting.

“I’ve gathered you girls for a revelation of great importance,”

This doesn't really sound like Twilight. Rarity is the dramatic one. Twilight mostly speaks normally unless she has a reason to be technical.

The lavender mare informed her friends as she walked back and forth with the air of a lectern with a fundamental point.

First, this is an example of what the fandom calls "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome", which is frowned upon. You should generally avoid referring to characters by a description like this unless that description is actually relevant to what's going on. Better to refer to them by name or with a pronoun.

Second, a lectern is a stand for holding notes -- a podium, and I have no idea what an "air of [having] a fundamental point" looks or sounds like. Better to show us how Twilight is behaving -- what's her posture like? Her tone of voice? Also, as a general rule, you should try to use simple words whenever you can. Fancy words are to be used sparingly, and only when you know exactly what you intend to accomplish with them.

“Is he really-“ Fluttershy wasn’t permitted to finish her fearful question before Twilight stopped
cold, turning to and addressing them with a twinge of panic in her voice, not at all dissimilar to the one
she’d sported when fearful of turning in a late report.

I think Fluttershy would be able to tell that Applejack isn't being literal here. Also, I don't think the word "twinge" is being used correctly here, and the rest of the sentence is awkward. The phrase " not at all dissimilar" is wordy, and just means "the same as". I might rephrase it to something like "Twilight's voice was panicked -- the same way it had been during the want-it-need-it incident."

“Twilight, how do you even remember those dates…” Rainbow

This question makes no sense, seeing as Twilight is reading form a list right in front of Rainbow.

Thank you for the advice.

As for what you refer to as "lavender unicorn syndrome", I can definitely see where you're coming from with it. The main reason, though, that I use such descriptions in lieu of saying her name or using a pronoun is that I was always taught repetition is something you don't want in your text. That is, if I didn't use such phrases as "lavender mare", "librarian", "alicorn", etc. any block of text dealing mainly with Twilight would be filled with continual uses of "Twilight" and "she" over and over again. I thought that was a bad thing.

On second thought, though, I'm really beginning to question whether I'm cut out to handle a story like this. A metastory dealing with the Mane 6 finding out they're characters in a show does sound good (at least to me), but only in the hands of someone experienced enough to do it justice. I have serious doubts I'm that person.

4819330
4819852

As for what you refer to as "lavender unicorn syndrome", I can definitely see where you're coming from with it. The main reason, though, that I use such descriptions in lieu of saying her name or using a pronoun is that I was always taught repetition is something you don't want in your text.

Sometimes, repeating words too often makes your writing sound awkward -- that's really the only reason people tell you to avoid it. Try reading your prose out loud. If it sounds fine, it probably is fine. I don't usually find repeated character names to be a problem, but other people may disagree.

On second thought, though, I'm really beginning to question whether I'm cut out to handle a story like this. A metastory dealing with the Mane 6 finding out they're characters in a show does sound good (at least to me), but only in the hands of someone experienced enough to do it justice. I have serious doubts I'm that person.

I've had similar thoughts, which is why I've put my first story on hold. Don't let my or anyone else's criticism stop you, though. The only way you'll get better at writing is by writing.

Yeah. This story might go on the back burner for awhile, but it will probably get done sooner or later, once I'm skilled enough to handle it.

In any case, thanks so much for the advice. It's appreciated and helped me highlight flaws in my writing that I hadn't formerly noticed.

Since we're here, what do you think of a fic where The Flood (from Halo) land in Equestria? No overlap of the two universes other than that. It would be a dark tale, of course, chronicling Equestria's attempts to stem the tide of the ever-approaching end of the equine race.