Welcome back, authors! Today is an extra-special day, because we're not just gonna review one story, but three in a row! Eeyup! It's gonna be just like a Steam sale, except here the stuff is free either way and you have pro authors talking to you and the quality is always shit!

Now before we move on, allow me to give a shoutout to our number one idol Kami-whatever for being a true hero of written words. Please go and read all his stuff, because he needs your support. Whenever he tried to write something serious, people just stopped giving a shit and went back to reading his stories where horses have sex with each other.

SMILE FOR THE CHILDREN, RARITY

by Aragon

To get an idea of who you're dealing with, let's start off by showcasing Aragon's "Amazing Guide to Authorship Authentic Artistry(TM)":

Step 1: Write some moderately funny silly stories
Step 2: Get a ton of fans and find out most of them are scrubs who laugh at anything
Step 3: Write something with actual depth
Step 4: Realize you prefer stupidass fans and write lots of unfunny garbage
Step 5: Realize you're no longer good at serious stories either
Step 6: Keep repeating step 4 and write the same story over and over again
Step 7: *insert meme here*

The story here goes like this: Rarity is just trying to have a tea party with all her friends at the pub, when all of a sudden something completely random happens and it's really funny because you never saw that coming, did you? It's something about Rainbow Dash sleeping on trees and making all the apples have cancer, some dumb kid has alcoholism-syndrome and thinks she's under attack by pedophiles, and Rarity has green goo on her face. This all makes sense, you can trust me. There's really no need for the story to have a "Random" tag, because as long as the author thinks there's logic in it, you can just take your opinion and shove it up your butthole.

“Hey!” Mayor Mare took the teacup from Diamond Tiara’s hooves and gave it back to Rarity, who looked at her startled. “Cheerilee, am I to understand this filly is in your class?”

“Um.” Cheerilee arched an eyebrow. “Mayor Mare, I kind of run the only school in the whole town.”

“And so? Cheerilee, I’m a politician, I neither understand nor care about education!” Mayor Mare slammed her hooves on the table. “Is this filly one of your students or not?!”

PROTIP: Who needs subtlety? Only babies are going to read your stories, and they'll laugh at anything, you idiot.

So a lot of stupid shit happens and I got bored because I wasn't laughing once, except maybe at the "legal loophole" bit. I have to give this story zero out of fifteen percent for funnies, but for length it gets top score, since the only way you can save a joke that didn't work the first time is if you keep doing it for another 500 words, and here no joke gets left behind. But what can you expect with proofreaders like the guy who wrote about Twilight's house getting all white and icky? Silly Majin-Neko-whoever, you're not there to help with the writing, you just make sure none of the names of the characters were written wrong while Aragorn is busy making them do jokes rejected from Family Guy scripts.

“I don’t know. Why would you ever sleep under a bridge for three days instead of asking one of your friends to let you stay at their place?” Mayor Mare shrugged. “Some questions are best left unanswered, Rarity.”

PROTIP: it automatically makes the rest of the fic funny if you remember to point out that it makes no goddamn sense.

Overall, I rate this story "I'm moving on to the next one because I stopped caring right after I read the short description". Have those funny pictures above as a final sample of what awaits you, and be sure to check out the story and leave donations!

Would It Matter If I Was?

by GapJaxie

This story was off to a better start because it just had two horses standing in a room and talking to each other, and they never tried to make any funny jokes. Any more and my comed-o-meter might have blown a fuse. Instead, they start a really long discussion argument talk about those zerg orklings that attacked Canterlotville back in the third season, and after the PowerPuff Girls killed all the invaders, Twilight's best hippie friend starts asking whether she's a bug too. Now the horny horse tries to calm her friend down, but the hippie took too many drugs last night and she's really cranky that day, so she just throws a fit and runs off like a two year old.

“Why do you care?” Twilight demanded.

“Oh, gosh. Why would I care that you might be condemning an innocent creature because of its race?” She snorted, and knocked the desk hard with a hoof. “You’re right. That does sound out of character for me.”

“Getting snippy and sarcastic is out of character for you as well,” Twilight pointed out. Her tone slowed however, becoming more wary than angry. “That doesn’t seem to be stopping you.”

“Well you’re yelling at me,” Fluttershy said, lowering her voice.

PROTIP: Hasbro doesn't give FimFic a C&D as long as you guys keep educating everyone not to be racist. Keep up the good work!

So I was kinda having fun with this story. The characters seemed a little off, I don't think they ever talked like this in the show, except that one time everyone got possessed by that shpooky snake demon god. But then I finally realized why it felt so weird to read these words. This story is actually a shameless ripoff of Do It Mattered If I Is? Even the title got stolen, and it's the same two horses and they talk about stuff. Everything is stolen! Except the ending, which was waaaay better in Do I Batter If You miss, because it turns out everyone was actually a spy and they're about to get the briefcase!

“Let me tell you something. Let me tell you why I’m so mad, Fluttershy.” Twilight rushed forward and bipped her friend on the forehead. “Who are the elements of harmony?”

“Uh… is that a rh–”

“Who, Fluttershy?”

“W-we are?”

“And what is our job?”

“T-to promote pea–”

“That’s right, to kick ass and look good doing it!”

PROTIP: You will never be as awesome as this. 10/10 would read for the rest of my life.

Overall, authors, I simply cannot recommend a story that tries to make its mark by plagiarizing better works from people who always make sure to stay original. Stealing is bad and you should know better, and on top of that the ripoff story isn't even nearly as good.

Sorry. Best stick to the original.

Long Live Sonata Dusk

by Horse Voice

Now this one was all the rage for a while on FimFic. Soooo many scrubs wrote blogs and stuff about it that I just had to take a look and find out what the fuss was about.

So death rides this weird limo and plays guitar, and he's actually a vampire and Ghost Rider, so he has to make this dumb broad take his place after she eats at Taco Bell. Since this is a kiddie story and wants to get on EQD, it doesn't tell you that Adagio Blaze-It was actually just waiting for 4:20 AM to come around, and the magic 1UP mushrooms were still wearing off. Then these weirdos pick her up so they can drag her off and turn the story into a clop to get even more views, but thankfully the car crashes and everyone dies.

Sonata froze as this revelation sank in. A cold chill began to creep up her back.

She, once a predator, had nearly been prey.

This, added to the pain, was too much. A cold sweat and feverish shaking overtook her body, her vision blurred, and her legs nearly gave way. She slumped down upon a barrier, gritted her teeth, and tried not to be sick. This was true mortal terror. In the back of her mind, she wondered how humans could bear it.

PROTIP: No matter how artsy-fartsy or OW THE EDGE you get, you still started off with a premise containing a fandom meme.

Then there's a lot of talking and more words about fate and singing and what you should do when your parents tell you that you spend too much time in their basement. Unless you're pwning scrubz, you should go outside and do things so people won't think you're a stupid loser. I think that's what this story is trying to tell me, but I was bored and never actually read after the crashing bit. I'm gonna assume Sonnyta goes off to San Fierro to start a garage and rob banks, while everyone else goes back to Taco Bell and tokes up.

I rate this story with some music that's way cooler:

Review time is over. Write it big, authors!

Now this one was all the rage for a while on FimFic.

LOL I wish.

PROTIP: No matter how artsy-fartsy or OW THE EDGE you get, you still started off with a premise containing a fandom meme.

You simply have yet to recognize my genius! Like classic literary authors, I draw people in with sheer amusement, then hit them with the serious themes later!

As you may have guessed, my story's theme is about the power of rock 'n' roll.