I deeply apologise for the delay, and if my reviews are disappointing.

Truth is, I'm battling depression, and it takes a toll on my will power. Which is why it took long to put out my reviews. Knowing that I'm helping you by reviewing your stories makes me happy, I didn't lie when I said I take pleasure in reviewing. I love to help.

I apologise if I came off as cold in my reviews. I always resort to using big words when I talk.

Thank you for suggesting your stories. I'll try my best to avoid late posts in the future. If there is anything else you want me to talk more about, let me know.

With sincerity,
-D

Stories for This Post

My Wings Will Keep You Safe - Astral Phoenix

The Amulet of Shades - Sparkle Cola

Ask Roseate Grimsbane, the Witch - Robipony

Total word count: 138,224

Tags: MLP: FiM, Drama, Slice of Life, Twilight, Applejack, Apple Bloom, Dinky Hooves, CMCs

Word Count: 9,698

A story of a filly and her alicorn guardian.

I'm the kind of dude who like to see characters suffer, then come out on top, stronger than before. To me, this story was a little soft on suffering.

The style of the sentences were constructed beautifully. Every sentence came to life in my mind. There were some uses of adverbs.

The characters were mostly accurate, it was as though as I heard their voices. But, Twilight and Apple Bloom, I felt, were over tuned. I got the vibe that Twilight wanted a foal, and Apple Bloom seemed too scared.

I liked the idea of 'sheltering a foal during a storm'. Though, it would've sat better with a mother and her foal.

You could've given a reason for why Apple Bloom was so scared, and revealed it at the end of the story or before the song, that would've made it better.

You're pretty much set on distinct voices, so you don't really need to make it clear who's talking, unless there's more than two characters. Although, just add a renegade “said” tag to be safe.

Ah, yes. The name-calling, it is unnecessary if there's only two characters speaking. Though, it is convenient, name-calling only makes the dialogue sound clunky and stilted.

I will always put this in my reviews, adverbs, they take away from the immersion of the story. Try to avoid words ending with “-ly”, and replace the adverbs with showing us how the characters look, unless your characters use them in dialogue.

I always follow this rule when I'm writing: “If it is not relevant to the plot, scrap it.” It's pretty useful for keeping your story lean, by lean I mean keeping your story clean of fillers. You could've started the story where Apple Bloom just finished her chores, then cut to the fillies arriving at Twilight's, and tell the story from there.

This is just my opinion, but here's is what I was thinking:

This story would've been better if Apple Bloom were Twilight, and Twilight were Princess Celestia, you know, when Twilight was younger, and instead of the first scenes, it could be Celestia in Day Court, slowly losing her patience, then Twilight arrives, for mentoring. Then the story goes on from there. Or instead… maybe I should tell you the rest in a PM, I think I just found gold.

This story drips with cuteness, and that's what kept me turning the pages, it compensated for the lack of suffering, but, don't get me wrong, I still liked the story, it just lacks backstory for Apple Bloom's fear.

I give this story a 6.5/10 on Dramatics,

8.5/10 on Style,

7/10 on Character Accuracy,

And, a 10/10 on Interest.

+1 for the song.

Total score: 33/40

A great story from start to finish, with good character accuracy, and a great song. 8/10

This one’s going in my favorites. Good job.
-D

Tags: MLP: FiM, Drama, Slice of Life, Thriller, Celestia, Luna, OC, Discord, Main 6

Word Count: 80,187

The Amulet of Shades, the story of a pony whose sole purpose of living is to right an ancient wrong. Except, most ponies are unaware of the wrong.

I like where you went with Luna's banishment. But, the “evilness” for Celestia could've went deeper than the desire of power. Unless I understood it wrong, and there is a plot twist coming.

The motives for Tempest are believable, and I feel I would've done the same in her position. I am especially interested in this Maelstrom character, perhaps it can make another “appearence”? Maybe there is more to it? Is there? Nevermind, no spoilers.

The Chase scene was written great, felt like I was there, looking through the eyes of a utility belt. As was every scene in the story, written great. I love how the sentences look. Pleasing to the eye, semi-easy to understand, and all put together in a great manner.

The switching from past to present are like whiplash. But it's great to know when that's going to happen.

The show's characters were completely accurate, and were molded perfectly to fit the story.

This is my opinion, but the story could've been in chronological order, that to me, would've been the easier route to take to write.

I expect Tempest to struggle more, perhaps she can be captured? Or, how about framed? Or both? Just be prepared to map a rollercoaster.

There wasn’t more I can elaborate on, as the story is work in progress. But, I can say it has potential to tell a great story, not that it isn't already!

I give this story a 7/10 on Dramatics,

8/10 on Thrills,

8.5/10 on Style,

8/10 on Characters,

10/10 on Character Accuracy,

And, a 10/10 on Interest.

Total score: 51.5/60

Overall, a great read from start to finish -if it was finished- with believable characters, and good story telling. 8/10.

Another one for the Favorites. Keep going, It's a great story.
-D

Tags: MLP: FiM, Sex, Romance, Dark, Mystery, Alt. Universe, OC. Mrs. Cake, Moonlight Raven, Tantabus

Word Count: 48,339

An interesting idea, a comment-driven story. I admit, I have never read a story like this.

Though, I'm not one who chooses to read witchcraft-themed stories, this one, I'll read from start to finish.

I like how you portrayed the show's characters to fit the story. Believable. As were the OCs, believable.

Man, the nightmares are flippin’ creepy, (the nightmares in the story), I get chills just thinking about them.

I like the way you hide certain details, though it's a little disappointing considering it doesn't seem you won't be revealing the rest of Roseate's backstory in the future chapters, but, patience is a virtue.

In Chapter 5, where Arsthotua asks what Roseate is reading, I think you misspelled “sigh”, try to keep your eyes open, you might overlook small mistakes like these.

I think the sentences need a tad bit more description, you think? I already like the style, it's just the brief descriptions. In the right way, descriptions can induce fear, surprise, admiration, and provide a vivid vision of the scenes in the story, not that your's already does, but it's nice to have it in every scene, but not every sentence. Keep a balance between showing and telling.

I like the idea of borrowing OCs. But, I'd suggest you insert some more of your own, gives it more of a personal touch, you know?

To me, the pacing at which you reveal significant information about Roseate's backstory is a tiny bit slow. Though, it's a good slow, I think you should save it for when the Tantabus traps her in a nightmare she cannot wake from, where her husband can't help her. Or, subtext could reveal it in subtle ways.

I would also suggest to try to avoid questions that, you think, might reveal too much.

Looks like I'm on a streak. Another story worthy of a Favorite.

I give this story a 7/10 on Style,

8/10 on Characters,

9/10 on Mysteriousness,

8/10 on Dramatics,

And, a 9/10 on Interest.

+1 for the idea of a comment-driven story.

Total score: 42/50

This has been a great read, with interesting characters, and a curious plot. 8/10

I'm interested to see where this story will go. Keep writing.
-D

My Reviews

(Review) The Creation of My Little Pony - Written by BradyBunch

ArthurPaige's Reviews (№2) « you are here

Hi, Derrick. I want to give you my condolences for the death in your family. I am very sorry to hear that and hope you all can pull together and get through this in the best way you can. I appreciate your kind words in reviewing my story, and hope it brought some enjoyment to your day, truly. I'll leave it at that, thank you for the work and the thought you put into it, it means a lot to me. I'll let you know this: This isn't the last you will hear from Maelstrom... oh, and Celestia isn't evil. Tempest is just badly misinformed by her mother that had fallen already into the mental sophistries of an internal NMM... hopefully that isn't too bad of a spoiler, but most readers seem to have caught on to that.

6795716

Read my blog, huh? Thank you so much for your kind words.

I honestly didn't see that coming. I wouldn't have got it if it hit me with a truck.

6795719
Well darn. I have some work to do then... I am kind of new to the writing scene. AoS is my first real work of any sort.
As we speak I am putting together the funny conclusion of my crack-fic Iron Will vs. Mr. Satan. heh. It is a goof fest.

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Really? I doesn't seem like it. The writing is good, better than my first actual story.

It wasn't a mistake on your part. Sometimes, I have to listen twice, if you know what I mean. Don't worry, everyone has room to improve.

I'll be sure to check it out.