So, as one of my first reviews back, I will be doing two reviews at once. It is also a fun one seeing as this will be my first review where I review the entirety of a story when it is over 100,000 words. The Pony Of Vengeance by BradyBunch and How The Pony Of Vengeance Should Have Ended by BradyBunch

So on to the review of The Diary Of Rorschach: MLP Universe, I mean the Pony Of Vengence. Seriously, look at this:

Everyone is awful. The world is a dark, cruel, bitter place that shows no love to those that try their best. It's just a rotten, wormy husk of what it once was. I've struggled for so long, felt so much pain, and I've gained nothing from it! The world has been darkened for me.

This read like an entry in Rorschach's journal, and I like it. I like that level of cynicism and 'fuck humanity' in a character. And it's not just that line that was nice to read, the entire story was well written and executed. While I would have preferred if there would have been more mystery and the answers come later or earlier to avoid an issue noted in the criticisms, it is overall well paced. We get a lot of good scenes where the characters sit down and really grapple with what is right and what isn't. This is actually one of the better stories I have read on this site that covers the topic. While there are a few hiccups in the writing in terms of mistakes, overall it is well done with only minor errors. But the best part of the story revolves around the characters. While this isn't a full-blown character study, it was extremely close in terms of character development and examination.

To be frank, 90% on my criticism boils down to the primary character, the titular "Pony Of Vengence". Anyone that has been following my reviews knows that I revile Mary Stu's and untouchable protagonists. As I said in my first review for A Rather Large Adventure, another story by the same author, the impermeability of The Pony Of Vengence kills every last bit of tension I had for the story. I legitimately dreaded every inclusion of the night terror as I could see just about everything that was going to happen from a mile away. This sums up my thoughts on the matter perfectly in regards to his OP status. He is; unharmed by a major explosion, tanked 2 RPGs to the face, tanked a grenade to the face, was shot Celestia knows how many times, is unmatchable in combat, possesses an armory that can't be bested, and to top it off, can best every princess at once.

All of this I could excuse under VERY specific conditions. I love Thanos because of a myriad of reasons that many people have better conveyed on youtube. I love the mind games in Death Note, and the characterization of Kiritsugu Emiya from Fate/Zero as a no-nonsense killer really enhances the series. The one thing that ties all of these together but is entirely missing from this story, a clear motivation and humanization of the character early on. It takes 10 chapters, in a 23 chapter story to even get a hint as to what The PoV's motivation and drive even is. Now I'm not saying that this can't be done well, Fate/Zero took till episode 18 of 25 to flesh out Kiritsugu Emiya's backstory and motivation for his actions and way of thinking in a way that elicited sympathy. BUT, Emiya wasn't the only character in the series, and even discounting that, he won his victorys through being smarter than his opposition and is shown to have a life outside of the killing. The PoV can just rock up anywhere he wants and just body literally anyone with no problem simply due to having plot armor and BS so thick that even Shonen protagonists are calling hacks. With how he was acting up until the end of chapter nine I was getting the feeling of the PoV having a similar mindset as Ultron, so it was even funnier when it turned out I was a little more right than I could have imagined.

The whole "the scum of the earth must be purged and must be permitted no quarter" is one of my favorite types of stories (as can be demonstrated by how many examples I know of), but when this is the ONLY personality trait I have to go by for 9 chapters and is held by a character that until this point as proven to be unable to be damaged, I lose all of my interest. I actually had to force myself to keep reading after 'Cold-Blooded Killer' and every subsequent combat simply due to the main character being more of a one dimensional Gary Stu than Aizen from Bleach.

I was however glad that I continued as 'Bright Mind' and 'Ironheart' were some of the best chapters, up there with 'Night Terror', but that might be because I love Slice of Life stories and getting an examination into a person's mind makes me happy. After reading it, I was confounded as to where this characterization had come from. The first chapter's main griffin was incredibly well written and now we get Bright Mind as another multi-faceted character with a great deal of humanization. Where the actual fuck was all of this for the other characters that receive a good deal of 'screen time'? The PoV and the other criminals are so flat character wise until this point that I could have slid them under the crack of a door and still had room for my hand.

To round this off, my inner scientist had a meltdown at 'Infinisteel'. Examples being "I created a metal that was more heat-resistant than metal" and "I could create nine hundred thousand atoms of Infinisteel". Unless he was referring to creating an alloy of different metals, he would have been creating an extremely radioactive metal as an unknown atom in the MLP universe would likely be an element from 95 up, all radioactive and none with the described properties. Also, bullets are made of lead but usually receive a copper jacket to help with stability and muzzle velocity. Solid brass bullets are used in big game hunting because brass does not deform as easily as lead as this is important because this ups the penetration power.
[as one last thing, I do believe that the night terror needs to listen to some advice from Raymond Reddington on what he is doing. Such as the allegory of the farmer and the nature of revenge. I would also suggest that if Collective Consciousness or Ready to die could be your theme song, you might want to reconsider some things.]

Final Scores; The Pony Of Vengeance
Writing; 8/10, very minimum mistakes that are easily fixed but don't distract too heavily.
Plot; 8/10, this was a well-structured story with a great buildup and progression. I just wish that there would have been a few thousand words more so that mysteries could have been solved a little more organically and that the answers to some mysteries wouldn't have been immediately revealed.
Characters; 7/10, PoV for the first 9 chapters and every "villain" is about as flat as a sheet of paper, and that's when I stack them on top of each other. But other than that, all the characters really drive the story and feel like real people.
Total Score; 23/30 or 7.66/10, this was a really solid story that, for me at least, was really weighed down and hurt by the character of The Night Terror for the first nine chapters and every fight after that.

Final Scores; How The Pony Of Vengeance Should Have Ended
Writing; 9/10, This was well done from what was there. It was a short story with minimum mistakes.
Plot; 8/10, this was a nice little addition to the continuity and follows the plot of the story by adding the possible endings that could have happened but would have killed the tension and drama of the story.
Humor; 8/10, this was nice as the humor was well done and placed appropriately.
Total Score; 25/30 or 5/6, this was a nice addition to the PoV story and added some good humor and addressed some minor plot holes. I really enjoy things like this and it was nice to see that the author was willing to take the piss out of themselves. This is definitely a mandatory read after the proper story as it was quite well done.

6864257
Thank you for your criticism. I am so glad that you enjoyed it, and I'll be sure to keep the OP Ironheart down. I made an A/N in one of the chapters thinking the exact same thing.

I didn't flesh out Ironheart, so to speak, into a perfect character. I understand that. And the other characters are shallowly treated. But that's okay. The fact that you stuck with me to the end and loved the character anyway means a lot to me.

6864257
I reviewed this story, and got a markedly different score, maybe a re-review is in order...

On another note, and I apologize if I sound rude here but is paragraph spacing not a thing to you? This just reads like a word jumble.

6864261
It was less to do with him being imperfect, I LOVE imperfect characters. My issue lied more in the realm of him as a character not having anything that grounded his motivations for almost half the story. He kind of just shows up, kills some people, then dips out. There isn't anything to grab onto in terms of his character that I can really relate to for those first nine chapters, and for me, that is hard to do. I personally find TPoV's philosophy to be close to my own (also a reason I know so many examples), so the fact I wasn't drawn in was strange for me, as on paper, I should love this. I read your last chapter and saw you were going for the message that what he did was not the right path, but the fact you made just about every villain irredeemably, mustache-twirlingly evil waters down the message a little as it elicited a response of "these guys deserve to pay and be punished in the ways he is talking about, but this is too far" rather than "wow, maybe what he is doing isn't right". I was in a bit of a limbo in terms of my opinion of him because fuck right these asshats need to be excised from this world as they are beyond redemption, but the way he acts feels a little too far. A great example of what I feel would have given you a stronger message and been a little better at conveying what you were trying to say was in the first chapter. The gryphon had killed but wasn't homicidal, had a sympathetic background, and for the most part, was just a dude as he was just doing a job as a delivery man. I figured you were going to be going for that message from the start but with how evil all the criminals were I was really questioning if I SHOULDN'T be supporting TPoV. If all the criminals would have been portrayed more like that it wouldn't have been so difficult for me to condem TPoV

6864283
There are advantages and disadvantages no matter which way I tried to twist it. The question was which option had outqualified the other.

Thank you much for sticking with it and loving it regardless of its flaws. It's like loving a person. It's got bad spots, but you love the person anyway. Love the sinner, not the sins they have. Which is another theme the book has, coincidentally.

I personally am proud of the way I weaved the narrative, and maybe with a little tweaking and adjustment, I can de-ponify it, clear up the plot holes and bad characters, and sell it as a legitimate book in the future.

6864272
Could you link the review? And as for the paragraphing, I fucked up. I haven't made one in a while and I write the criticisms and likes in single paragraphs then split them up before posting. I forgot to do that. Fixing now.

6864272
That might be due to me reading the entire story. I found and read your review, and I would have to agree, the first chapter is masterfully done. For me at least, past the first chapter, things go downhill for the pony of vengeance and the villains in terms of characterization quality.

6864297
The next Reviewer who use the*F* word will be send to the moon! Adjust that.

6864424
Fair enough, I suppose. The first chapter, as a whole, does give us a good job in setting up what would look like a masterfully done Punisher/Batman type story, but if you're correct then... Whoo boy.