[Unpublished stories cannot be embedded]

Summary

It's a normal day in the Equestria high universe. Unfortunately for Sweety Belle, she has a sick day. Being sick she goes to Rarity, where they both talk about some heavy, personal thoughts.

This story starts with the newer style of dialogue first, environment last. This is commonly and effectively used with third person current narratives which, SaberKing2012 does use to their benefit. The only problem with this style is that heavy moments of dialogue can be used as exposition is seen a lot of times and not in the writers advantage.

Ratings

Characters:

9/10

The characters are realistic to both their universe and our world. It is interesting to read and notice similarities between the Sweety Belle of this universe and the Pinkie Pie that we know.

Narrative handling:

10/10

Like I mentioned in the beginning is able to use this narrative style to their advantage and manage to avoid the problems I stated at the beginning. Even having a large dialogue for exposition that feels natural and is narratively correct.

Emotions:

9/10

This story is able to present a nice layered message while emotionally triggering in a way that seems intentional.

Feedback

Please remember these are just suggestions based on experience and knowledge of story writing. Thank you.

I would have to say, I could not find any errors in this. I suggest giving it a good read.

Woot! Good to see you reviewing, Nano. I think this is your first review since I joined the group, haha

7006852
Yeah I've had a hard time pulling though with my reviews.

7006698 My apologizes for the late reply. Thank you for the review and I'm glad you liked it.

7008506
I should be the one apologising I took longer then needed to write this review.