TNeocros 2: Light and Dark

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Slice of Life

Neocros now lives with Rainbow Dash, and life resumes as normal. It's his friend's birthday, and the couple decide to throw a party for him.

• Rainbow Dash
• OC
• Self Insert

Samuel-Neocros · 30k words  ·  18  2 · 631 views

Summary of Story here: Two Years after the battle of Ponyville, life went back to business as usual. However, Neocros had managed to make a life of himself, with his friends. Recently Sam and Neocros haven’t been talking to each other much, which puts Neocros in to paranoia over whether or not he offended Sam or not. Sam’s birthday was a few months ago, but Neocros forgot to make him a party. Now he and Dash must make him a birthday party...

Initial thoughts: I went into this story with an open mind. Granted I didn't read the prequel, but I did read this one with the understanding I might be a bit lost at first. What I got was just frustrating to read, and honestly there's a lot of things to say, but let's dwelve deeper shall we? 5/10

What I liked: I liked the idea of Rainbow Dash in a romantic relationship. Granted I don't know how she fell for Sam, but there is clearly a strong bond between the two.

What I didn't like: Just about everything else. I didn't really care for these oc's. I can't really see why Rainbow Dash would have fallen for this guy in the first place, and some of the character moments for Dash are WAY out of character for her. Like there's a part where Dash is liking a popsicile and Sam thinks it's aborable, and she blushes all flustered. I imagine Rainbow Dash would have a much different reaction here. Not to mention there's a lot of spellings and grammar issues. I know the author wanted this to be better than the prequel, I can't say much about the former story, but this story needs a LOT of work in order to be passable.

Grammar: From what I can see, there's quite a lot of spelling and grammar issues all throughout the story. This needs a double take and a complete look through to correct all the issues. 4/10

Characterzation: Rainbow Dash feels quite a bit out of character to suit the needs of the plot, and often you can tell that this was just written for Sam to get with Rainbow dash, because of the author loves RD and wanted his character to get with her. 4/10

Story/Concept: The concept is done decently enough for what it is, but it feels bare bones. Like it's just the minimum of what you'd expect from this kind of story, and often times the story will drag with filler that doesn't really progress the story in one way or another. 5/10

Overall thoughts: I'm going to be blunt, I didn't really enjoy this story, and that's not all on the author here. These stories can be hard to make good because of using oc's and shipping them with a canon character. A lot of people will be turned off from that alone. But all the issues here certainly don't help it's appeal any. If I was the writer, I'd honestly do a complete rewrite, looking at the old one to compare what not to do with the new one. And he definitely needs an editor, and he needs to learn how to show expressions and feelings without just saying Rainbow Dash is happy. 4/10

Final score: 5+4+4+5+4=22/50
4.5/10

To the author: Don't be discouraged, I know no one likes seeing bad/negative reviews, but the best thing is you can always improve, and come out of this even stronger! So keep being awesome.