The Everlust Forest

[Adult story embed hidden]

So, it looks like it’s that time of… well, there really isn’t a set time for this, but that can’t be helped. It’s porn time baby!

We start the story with Zecora waking through the Everfree with her T H I C C behind swaying back and forth, on her way to pound town with a tentacle-bush-monster thing. After that, she helps the one unit of a mare from that dress episode find her inner whore by drugging/hypnotizing her. And finally, she goes three rounds with Big Mac after he accidentally spilled liquid Viagra onto himself.

In terms of what this story does right, well… it’s porn. If any of you are familiar with porn plots and the like, you will know that there is only the barest degree of set up and storyline. Everything is as simple as can be and there really isn’t anything extraneous to speak of. The story here knows it’s meant to help get peoples rocks off and not much else so there really isn’t anything extra to the story other than that. The second chapter being a mild exception to this as there actually is something of a plot there, but it keeps the overall simplicity of the genera and doesn’t reformat the pace and flow.

As for what can be improved. The major issue I saw was in the construction. The description of things, while being decently clear, are lacking when it comes to engagement. The sentences feel functional and bland. They get the message and idea across, but there is this sterility to what is being described.

Her leafy skirt hugged her waist tightly, swinging playfully from side to side, her thin striped tail adorned within its cover. All dancing a mesmerizing dance in time with the movements of her powerful thighs and sizable derrière.

Her leafy skirt hugged her waist tightly, accentuating her curves and covering her thin, adorned tail. With each step, her hips and the exposed end of her tail swung playfully from side to side, each motion flowing seamlessly into the next, creating a mesmerizing dance in time with the movements of her powerful thighs and sizable derrière.

Zecora smiled and looked to the left, at the carrot stand. It’s owner, Carrot Top, chose a light unassuming summer dress. It, by contrast, accentuated her earth pony musculature even more. She had been absentmindedly adjusting the thick bush of her fiery orange mane. Unlike Applejack, she seemed to be completely aware about the effect she had on stallions passing by.

Zecora smiled and looked to the left at the stand beside her. It’s owner, Carrot Top, was wearing a light, unassuming summer dress that, unlike what Applejack had on, accentuated her earth pony musculature. She had also been absentmindedly adjusting the thick bush of her fiery orange mane every so often when it seemed to be falling out of its proper position. It was readily apparent that unlike the apple mare, Carrot Top seemed to be completely aware of the effect she had on stallions passing by.

While I feel the revisions sound better, as you can also tell, they are also longer, and seeing as I have yet to write any porn, I can’t say with any authority what style choice should be made to produce the best results.

Secondly, the next issue I would like to address would be the pacing. Now, I have said before that porn pacing is not ideal, however, it does have its place. This is less of a definitive issue, and more a personal gripe. If you are looking for a smut story with a plot that is trying to be a solid story in addition to being titillating, this is not that. It is, however, a solid piece of smut.

Finally, I noticed a few issues where the editor probably missed a mistake or two.

Full of determination, she grabbed him by the dick and dragged unfortunate stud further into her habitat. Having approached her bed, Zecora let go off Mac and untied her leafy skirt.

Full of determination, she grabbed him by the dick and dragged the unfortunate stud further into her habitat. Having approached her bed, Zecora let go of Mac and untied her leafy skirt.

I can’t remember just how common this was in the story, but it showed up enough that I felt it needed to be pointed out.

Final scores; (this is going to be different from the usual scoring I do as the system I use would score this as a 3-4/10 as it isn’t a proper story. But since you don’t evaluate a Chevrolet Silverado by the same standards as a Koenigsegg Agera RS, time for a new scoring system.)

Writing: 7/10, As I said, the writing is serviceable and fills its purpose. If this is how a clop story should be, the score is higher, if not, the score remains. If I was to properly articulate my issues it would come down to me seeing this story as telling me everything rather than showing me it, simply lacking that emotional hit I look for in a story or my porn.

Pacing: 8/10, This is a porn story. There isn’t any deep plot, there aren’t any philosophical notions on the nature or morality being presented, characters are added to the scene, sex happens, orgasms ensue. The only recommendation I would have would be to slow things down slightly so that we as the audience can indulge in what’s going on rather than ‘A happens, now B, now C.’

Dialog: 6/10, The problem here is a lack of consistency and use. Zecora slips in and out or rhyming, Big Mac is actually verbal, and the sex scenes are quieter than an overgrown tomb, which I have been told is bad form when writing smut. The story just feels slightly ajar when I read the dialog as it just didn’t feel right with the characters.

Total Score: 21/30 or 7/10, If you are looking to get your rocks off, you can definitely do worse. This is a story meant to be enjoyed purely as smut, so don’t go in expecting a 200k word story with character arcs and the usual formalities of a non-smut tale. For the author, my recommendation here to improve upon this would simply be to show more and just handle your characters a little closer to how we understand them to be.

7427337
Thank you very much for reviewing this!

The sentences feel functional and bland.

Alas, but I'm not a native speaker, so sometimes I don't feel if the sentence comes out as too formal or dry.
If you don't mind, I would also like to ask you to clarify some things more:

The only recommendation I would have would be to slow things down slightly so that we as the audience can indulge in what’s going on rather than ‘A happens, now B, now C.’

Could you please expand on this a bit? Do you mean that there should be more descriptions?

Just handle your characters a little closer to how we understand them to be.

Do you mean that characters are OOC? Why exactly do you feel it to be so?

7427514
Yes, just a little more description. Probably the best example of where this is the point is the scene where Whoa Nelly is in the dream sequence and she almost instantly goes from shy to confident, then after showing off her body, she decides to have fun with some tentacles, only then to go fill poundtown with an oil barrel turned cock. The nigh instantaneous transformation from what is almost Fluttershy to the ultimate whore feels sort of off as there isn't much leadup to each new action.

With Zecora, her rhyming is inconsistent. Sometimes she rhymes her dialog, other times she doesn't. With Big Mac, he just says more words than one would expect. These aren't really OOC instances, more just you missing the mark. As my score was meant to say, these aren't egregious errors, just uncharacteristic of who you are using.