You want a car that gets the job done? You want a car that's hassle free? You want a car that literally no one will ever compliment you on? Well look no further.

The 1999 Toyota Corolla.

Let's talk about features.
Bluetooth: nope
Sunroof: nope
Fancy wheels: nope
Rear view camera: nope...but it's got a transparent rear window and you have a fucking neck that can turn.

Let me tell you a story. One day my Corolla started making a strange sound. I didn't give a shit and ignored it. It went away. The End.

You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would fucking start right up.

This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.

Things this car is old enough to do:
Vote: yes
Consent to sex: yes
Rent a car: it IS a car

This car's got history. It's seen some shit. People have done straight things in this car. People have done gay things in this car. It's not going to judge you like a fucking Volkswagen would.

Interesting facts:
This car's exterior color is gray, but it's interior color is grey.
In the owner's manual, oil is listed as "optional."
When this car was unveiled at the 1998 Detroit Auto Show, it caused all 2,000 attendees to spontaneously yawn. The resulting abrupt change in air pressure inside the building caused a partial collapse of the roof. Four people died. The event is chronicled in the documentary "Bored to Death: The Story of the 1999 Toyota Corolla"

You wanna know more? Great, I had my car fill out a Facebook survey.
Favorite food: spaghetti
Favorite tv show: Alf
Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms

This car is as practical as a Roth IRA. It's as middle-of-the-road as your grandpa during his last Silver Alert. It's as utilitarian as a member of a church whose scripture is based entirely on water bills.

When I ran the CarFax for this car, I got back a single piece of paper that said, "It's a Corolla. It's fine."

Let's face the facts, this car isn't going to win any beauty contests, but neither are you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to your wife. This isn't the car you want, it's the car you deserve: The fucking 1999 Toyota Corolla.

I own a 2000 Honda Civic, which is the little sister to this car, and she says the Corolla is just as wonderful as you say.

Car and Driver once released a list of the five most usable, practical cars. It was five Corollas.

Dude this is old. Still funny, but old.

for srs tho, corollas might be good runners, but they're really pieces of shit. I've taken them apart, I've put them back together, I wouldn't drive one on the highway if you paid me. Fucking tin foil death trap.

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I honestly can't say I'm surprised. Toyota's and Honda's are indestructible practically.

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That's why I drive Ford. People hate on Ford but the numbers (global sales) speak for themselves.

Toyotas aren't the fanciest or most exciting cars, but damn do they last. I bought a car a few months back, I got a good deal on 2013 Cadillac CTS.

6500180 Well, I'm a Chrysler man myself. I won't trash talk Ford, but with any car maker, it REALLY depends on the particular model. I'd happily take a Crown Vic, or an F150, but I'd probably be insulted if you offered me an Escort or Contour. lol. Ford has been having the blues with their stupid ecoboost engines though. To be fair, most car makers are having issues with their modern motors anyhow.