- Member Since 24th Feb, 2013
- offline last seen Mar 27th, 2018
Twilight-the-Pony
If I had a cent for every headdesk... I'd still be poor.
Twilight-the-Pony
Joined 24th Feb, 2013 ·
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I guess I'll follow. It's moving kind of fast, and the Applejack/Rarity stuff is just distracting, and you should work on expanding your scenes and making them flow better, but I like flightless Dash stories and this one looks like it has a chance of continuing, unlike most. And I love the cover art.
We are intrigued by thy story. It does seem to be fast paced but We enjoy the love between Fair Applejack and Rarity. It's is a nice break up between all thy tragedy. Thou hast been favourited in The Royal canterlot libraries and We await thy next scroll eagerly.
2577361 ...must... keep... calm... must...
I still need to learn how to pace the story properly. The next chapter is already about 30% done, but now that I've got a nudge about pacing, yeah... It will be in need of... expanding...
For now. But there is important place for that as well... In chapter 2 as well as in third one.
Thankee. My own making :)
2577430
That will be improved later on...
Also; Thank you <3
On the subject of the ending of the chapter... you know, I'd really like to see a story where Dash did actually end her life after her lover decided it would be kindest to let her go. Because this is something I never, ever see in crippled Rainbow romances: the disability itself being dealt with properly. Either it's healed by the end (good enough) or it kinda gets swept away because love is apparently a good enough substitute for a healthy body (awful)
I don't think enough stories take into account what Rainbow says: flying is her everything. Even if her friends support her, even if she adapts, she will only ever be a shadow of what she was going to become, and no amount of shipping or alternative things to do is going to change that. And honestly? I'm not afraid to say it wouldn't be wrong to just end it there: admit she had a good run cut short, but it that would be cruel to force her to continue to live, doubly so under a guilt trip of 'abandoning her friends'. I'm guessing this story won't go that way, but it's an interesting concept I'd love to see done right.
However, on the subject of this story: well done. You nail the emotions down well, especially Twilight's near-breakdown to try and find a regenerative spell, and Rainbow's cold assertion that she wants to die upon finding out about her wing. You know what? I'm gonna follow this story. And that's not a decision made lightly. I normally spurn crippled pony fics on face value, especially ones about Rainbow. I still despise the Blind Rainbow Dash Tumblr and the story based on it
But this? I'd like to see where it goes. I dunno. There's something about it that makes me think it won't be the angsty, resolution-less mess most of these stories end up as. Write on... and I shall cautiously anticipate the next update,
2577745 I will just say that I have a couple of tricks under my hooves.
While I must agree, it's moving kinda fast, not so fast as to take anything away. Sure, a little more detail or thoughts or emotions here and there could bump the story up a few notches, but as it is you're not really loosing marks for things you clearly missed. I like where this is going, I'll be watching this.
Live it need moar
Well I must say that I know what dear Twilight is facing. I have a friend who can be very depressed at times and often takes what I say and makes it seem as if I don't care about her, and after her grandfather died is when she became depressed, and I got so worried about her I told her not to hurt her self but she tried to cut herself with some dull scissors, so I told the councilor and stayed close to her. I'm sure twilight will try to do the same.
2577745. True, but also remember that Rainbow would NEVER abandon her friends and killing herself would be the ultimate form of abandoning them.
oi you best continue this else you will have quite a few disappointed folk, and do try to expand on it a bit
Really good story, I'd like to see what happens next.
Alright, I'm interested and I'll give this a follow. However, it will be in the hopes that you'll fix the pacing in chapter 2. If not well...we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Well this was very good and I have to say congrats on the feature.
ill let the decapitated pony heads speak for me
2579335 See, I think this is such a silly oversimplification of Rainbow's Element as to make it meaningless. Sure, when healthy, she's not going to abandon them.
But now? She can't do the thing her cutie mark talent ascribes to. That's a pretty big deal. Moreover, what if her inability to move on drags all her friends down with her? Isn't it abandonment in a way to leave them in a state of emotional limbo involving her, because she can't get over what's happened to her and by extension neither can they? Would it not perhaps be easier, she might reason (and her friends too once she talked them round), to pass on, releasing her from her torment and allowing her friends to grieve one last time and move on?
Yeah, it's far from an ideal situation. But I think it's ridiculous to extrapolate loyalty from a healthy person through such devastating and life-changing consequences, which is why I said I'd like to see this handled maturely. I'm not saying that it would be "Well, my wing's gone. Guess I'd better brush up on my noose-tying skills." I'm saying that it's not unreasonable or unfair to say there could be a situation where Rainbow and her friends come to the conclusion that it would be kinder for her and for them if she were to pass on. And I don't think "But... but she'd never abandon her friends!" is anywhere close to a good refutal.
It's been ages since I've seen a "Dash breaks her wing" story. I thought they went extinct after Read It and Weep aired.
Not quite done reading yet, as I'm kinda falling asleep, but you might wanna take it easy on Applejack there. Writing an accent is one thing, but the amount of glottal stops you throw into her speech make her sound less midwestern and more hillbilly.
Edit: Right, done reading. Not bad. Dialogue could use some work, and there's a mistake or two here or there. Concept is nothing new, so I'm interested to see how you'll make yours unique. Apart from that: AJ's accent is absurdly thick, capslock isn't really needed for shouting, pre-readers are a good thing.
I'll follow it, but I would definitely say it could do with some polishing.
pretty good i don't find anything wrong with the paceing or any of that crap i just enjoy the story line and plot
I loled.
"Perdy"? Applejack has a bit of a drawl, not down syndrome. Dude.
Argh!
The feels!
It hurts!
*ded*
Going by a little fast, and I am guessing Rarity and Applejack are in a relationship also? Well... Eager to read the next chapter.
MOAAAAR!!! Good storyline and awesome writing though Applejack doesnt sound like that, i think you kind of exaggerated her accent.
Second the story moves a little fast. not trying to critisize, just trying to be of some help
by the description, it seems rainbow isn't that unhappy in life after losing her wings, yet there is a dark tag. a dark tag would be appropriate is say rainbow killed herself out of depression, but the description kinda tells you nothing of the sort will happen.
so i ask if you have a reason for the dark tag, or if you added it to be safe? basically what though in your ind about the story made you add it. i'm just unsure what type of story this is as of right now. hoping to understand with some extra insight.
I was interested in this until Applejack started talking, then it all went downhill fast. We'll be ignoring my feelings on RariJack, okay?
It's okay to give her an accent, but for the love of God, Jesus Christ, and all the angels and the saints, don't overdo it! This is way too much! Did you see other people's portrayal of her accept and think, "hmm, this isn't nearly thick enough?" Because trust me, this is more than enough. It couldn't have sounded good in your head, it simply couldn't have. Read it out loud.
You do not EVER knock someone out, even if she's obsessing over something like that. This is a serious gripe of mine and more people need to understand it. Knocking someone unconscious is extremely dangerous. They can get all sorts of fun things, like a concussion, or brain damage! And as I understand it, she's under for several hours? On the plus side, she won't keep trying to fix Rainbow's wing anymore. On the minus, well, derfherf my name Twilt Spork!
And finally, Rainbow clearly doesn't have any real friends, the way these assholes act. Anecdote: I was in and out of the hospital for a few months a couple years back. My leg kept locking up, sometimes working, sometimes not. The doctors just couldn't figure out what was wrong. But did they give up? No! No they did not! They worked until they found a solution! Brilliant doctors, you've got here. And brilliant Twilight, real great friend.
That's all. Play me out
filthy hippieBill.If this had gone on any longer I would have cried.
Applejack's accent is painful to read.
Like, literally. It's so badly written that it physically hurts my eyes to look at it.
Other than that, this is pretty good. I look forward to more. Just... fix Applejack. Please.
Do not attempt to write Applejack's accent phonetically. It is terrible, wrong, and painful for your readers.
Also, it is poor form to submit your story to multiple folders in groups. Pick the one that it fits best into.
Um. That... Well those are certainly words, except for the one that's misspelled.
Try this instead:
It's more clear. It's grammatically correct. And it tells me more. Oh, and it's grammatically correct.
I want to read this as it's a great concept, but Applejack is killing me here. Also, Nurse Redheart's reaction to Rainbow's outburst felt a little blase.
2581552 2580816 2581507 2581449 2578398 2581374
I've fixed AJ's accent. Sorry about that.
2581374
So is crashing into trees with full speed so that your eyes pop out on the other side, being knocked into a wall by a dragon, slam into the library when your attempt of making a sonic rainboom miserably fails and so on and so forth. These are cartoon ponies. They've all suffered more than just a simple "kick in the head." That is my gripe when people don't know how to distinct the world of cartoons and the real world.
Really?
Then your doctors must be much better than mine, since mine did. And when your doctor doesn't have the technology, knowledge or the science didn't manage to resolve the issue, they will clearly seek out a solution that they don't have (yet). Because House MD.
I wonder what kind of solution they have for people before the artificial limbs were avail...OHWAIT.
This concludes cynical and rational comment.
2581680 Well you're stupid.
This concludes pissed off and tired comment.
2581680
Was it Lupus?
2581766 It's never lupus. Unless it's lupus. Yes.
2581771 It was Lupus.
Once.
2581374
Rainbow's wing is literally gone. Burned off completely. From what Twilight said, there are no ways to replace a wing. She's one of the smartest ponies in all of Equestria, the personal student of Princess Celestia and Element of Magic. She searched for 3 months and couldn't find anything, going so far as to read through the Canterlot Royal Archives for an answer. If there was one, she would have found it. She was driving herself insane trying to find an answer that simply Does. Not. Exist. How does admitting the truth make Dash's friends assholes? Ugh
2582292 Then what's all this about a cast?
2582316 Hi. Remember me?
Let me link you something, that you most likely didn't watch before.
And it's enough to watch first two minutes. OK. 2.5.
2582566 What is anyone even talking about anymore? Actually, no. Nevermind. Don't reply. I don't care anymore.
2582576
She broke her leg. I have no idea what the video contains, as I am unable to watch it at the moment.
I like the story, I don't like your writing. Sorry!
Nothing is described in detail. It reads more like a summary of a story than an actual story.
2582944 *wing, not leg.
2583432 It's the pacing problem. I'm painfully aware of that.
That is exactly why I'm scrapping the chapter 2 until I get the a better grip on resolving that issue.
2582316
Yeah, sorry for getting all snippy. I've had an off day, but that doesn't justify taking it out on others online.
Anyway, I can see how that would be confusing. The cast in the story is a full-body cast, most likely from the damage she sustained when she hit the ground. If you look back at the scene with her initial injury, it says that her wing exploded into "tattered and smoldering shreds" from the lightning. Adding to that, the picture for this fic shows RD with only one wing outstretched, implying that the other one is completely gone.
This detail could probably be made more clear to avoid further confusion.
2583479
Actually; this is very well explained in the story:
2583531
Oh, I meant the status of her wing. Is it indeed gone, like I said, or is some of it still there? I can't find any mention of it beyond the storm scene.
2583568
It isn't stated in this chapter, since Rainbow only gets out of the cast in the next one. But yeah. One wing is completely gone, and you were right. On all counts xD
2583625
Okay, thanks for clearing that up. I was about ready to eat my shoe. Trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be.