Pegasus-skip
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Hmmm, this seems like it is going to be a rather interesting story. I can't wait to start reading it.
This didn't really grab my attention, forcing me to stop after Applejack bought the rope.
Probably just me, but the Applejack seemed a bit out of character. You nailed Fluttershy and RainbowDash, but Applejack just.........wasn't right.
Anyway, R+ for the concept.
PS: You need an editor
2867463 *throws pie at face*. Haha
2867463 Thanks
2868612 Will be updating in next couple of weeks as I finish the next chapter
2869340 I'm sorry if it seem's A.J. is a bit out, but I haven't written a pony fic before so I might make a few errors here and there
As for needing an editor, well let's just say I did give my first chapter to someone to Beta read, the file they sent back had Celestia and Luna in a romantic involvement, they'd removed the applepie romance. Pretty much re-wrote the entire chapter. so I will be having to rely on myself for a while.
2869445 Now why waste food like that?
an where's my slice?
2869464 *throws another pie at face* here you go!
2869464
It was a great effort for a new author, make no mistake!
Probably just my 28 hours no sleep attitude earlier so don't worry too much about it.
And look at it this way, you managed to get RainbowDash and Fluttershy's characters spot on! Those are harder personalities to write than Applejack and 2/3 is awesome for a first time! Besides, Applejack's southern accent is hard to type in
If you need help with editing, I can volunteer
"Swallowing a big gulp as she saw her marefriend taking Fluttershy to a seat on the end.
“Ah think ah will take up that compensation offer if it’s still available.” Applejack said as she sat in shock."
Who's marefriend (I'm guessing Applejacks) and who is the marefriend? (Oh should have read comments it is Pinkie Pie). And who the #$%& does editing by rewriting the damn thing?
Not sure if you need the mature tag since this is "near rape" and there's no explicit details. Also, there's several instances where you didn't capitalize the beginning of a sentence or dialogue. Not to mention when Rainbow Dash calls Fluttershy "Flutters" you didn't capitalize the nickname.
That out of the way, this is a fairly interesting story. First time? Yeah, Applejack might be quite difficult to write at first with little to none experience.
2870005 The person who did the "editing" for me was a friend, needless to say we have both agreed that in future I will not ask them to edit.
2870300 I know what you're saying with A.J. and being difficult to write, but just as she'll keep apple buckin, I'll keep tryin'
I'm a bit worried about comments people are saying for me being a first time writer - Sorry if I put myself across like that, what I mean is this is the first time I've written a pony fic, I mainly write Harry Potter or Ranma 1/2 over on Fanfiction (dot) net, under the name skipsophrenic, sorry for the confusion
I feel exactly how Luna felt.
THAT STALLION NEEDS TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON!
Holy sh!t, you actually started it...
I'm experiencing many emotions right now.
2882508
The royal couple in Ponyville for a week sounds AWESOME!!!!
RD's pet tortoise Tank misses his owner.
Since Cadence is a foal-sitter meet the Cake Twins.
The writing is a little bit rough at times, and the premise has been done to death, but all the same, I feel compelled to follow this story. I'm genuinely curious to see where this goes
Have an upvote!
I want to see the reaction of the criminal when he hears his sentence... and then watch as it is cut off with a rusty butter knife.
Nice story. The beginning was really good. Applejack's flash back threw me off a bit, although nicely done and sweet. Big Mac, don't kick you little sister in the face. LOL. Rainbow and Fluttershy were really in character. Ponies get serious with attemtped rape, that stallion is doomed!
Another cute chapter. Take that Angel Bunny! Their interactions when alone are very cute, and you have Pinkie spot on.
I didn't read any of the other comments so I'm not sure if this is mentioned, but Fluttershys eyes, are blue (technically teal) , AppleJacks eyes are the green ones.. other than that, I love this story so much!!!
Great chapter. There goes any desire for sex from that freak.
The one problem I have with this fic is the sheer barbarity and bloodlust everyone's showing in howling for the rapist's balls. It really doesn't feel very ponylike at all. This is a setting where they set out to reform Discord, after all. It feels bizarre that Hunting Fire would be seen solely as someone to be punished, rather than someone as badly in need of treatment as Fluttershy was after being attacked by him.
I guess I simply can't see the Equestrian justice system being so archaic and retributive.
2967859 I do understand your point of view and if I was trying to keep it all nicey-nicey then yeah his punishment wouldn't have seemed as severe, but I've written it to a degree of how I would deal with people like Hunting Fire if it were up to me.
It is for this level of grittiness that I put the mature tag on, and to be completely honest because of the initial attack and the way in which the punishment happened I am considering adding the gore tag on as well.
Thanks for taking the time to comment
2967740 I think he lost the desire when RD started the process in Chapter 1. LOL
2967859
Take this in mind: Did Discord ever actually cause any kind of real harm to anyone? All he did was invert/change personalities, directly and indirectly, and cause basically chaotic, but non-harmful shenanigans. Last I checked he did not try to rape anypony as well as commit any other kind of crime that would cause any kind of outrage.
2968161 agreed, Discord just enjoys randomness, and his most harmful act, the inverting personalities was only to prevent the use of the elements of harmony against him.
2968161 - Thanks for putting in to words the other thoughts i wanted to put but didn't know quite how to phrase.
2969030 - agreed
2981470 - thanks, health is slowly going back to 'Normal' for me, all being well I'll hit a good spell soon
looking forward to more of this, when do you think you'll be able to update?
though, there are parts where there should be a new paragraph between the different ponies speaking/thinking and punctuation when a pony is speaking and when a pony is thinking.(some of the sentences and stuff kind of got put together)
I'd suggest adding an apostrophe before and after a ponies thought, just to make the difference clear for the reader.
like I said looking forward to the next chapter.
wow keep going
2988061 Thanks. I know my grammar isn't the best, but I have trouble trusting others with my work, a fic (Not pony's) that I wrote over on fanfiction.net nearly got ruined as someone I let edit completley tore the story apart - re-writing it, and completely changing the story - plot - everything.
Not to mention what happened when I did trust someone to edit this story - see my earlier comments
From that day on I've refused to let anyone else edit my stories. so I apologise for the bad grammar, but I take on board what you've said, and will try to do better with my writing.
As for updates - it all depends on my health, I've just recently come out of a "Bad patch" and 'seem' to be hitting a good spell. However it can easilly drop again. I have got a few problems plus chronic pain on top, so when I need my full strength pain killers I end up pretty much in lala land.
3026925 thanks. best is with the story that inspired this even I don't know what gave my muse the idea of an orphanage twist/subplot. I'm just rolling with it
Great chapter but is was really, really, really sad.
Can't wait for the next one.
3074092 methinks you like the idea of RD as a shadow bolt. :) I don't normally give out spoilers but yes Luna will be putting RD as captain.
3075306 I was aiming to hit people in the feels with this one.
Mayhap they won't execute that son of a parasprite, and that's an insult of every parasprite, but excile is accepted and I hear that the moon in nice this time of year.
3092081
I know it seems like it's taking forever for the romance to happen - but it will happen soon I promise.
If they can't that's me screwed. LOL
3081003
You'll just have to wait-and-see
Am in middle of editing the next chapter now
....damn it im fu#king crying. You broke me man... You broke me. This story is hart filled and well done. I cant wait for more. God damn it i cant even write correctly. This story so far has hit me hard... I absolutly love it an it is REALLY well written. Ive got no critizism because there is none to give. This is just beautiful.
Edit: I may have exadurated a little bit. No really only a little.
This is an email i sent to a few of my friends telling them about this story. I thought that you might get a kick out of reading it. Again this is probably one of my favorites and its not even done!!! I sent this to a few people soon as i finished this chapter.
Edit: I ended up sending this to a few of my friends, i got lazy and used the same email but... Yea
3081003 ... I hear the sun is Even better
3107383 Like i said before i was aiming for the feels in this one
- but I wasn't trying to break anyone!
Seriously though, I'm glad you enjoyed the story so far.
3107416 Seriously? Thank you! I know my writing isn't the best so to read something like that I never expected, so once again, thank you very much!
3113926 yea as you can probably guess i am a sucker for the feelz. I am usually very criticly and find even the most minute of problems but between the feels and the suprisingly good writing i couldnt find much!! All that i mainly see is that you are basicaly putting more well "bad" events in equestria showing that it isnt such a perfict place. Dont get me wrong i like it but well it seems a bit well "forced?" to have bolth events so close together. Also i thought that you were going to go more in detail into pinkies near rape experiance, a good thing to add in the future. Also Arnt the shadow bolts a thing created by luna as a test not an actual team? But i like how you added them. Lets see anything else *goes over mental checklist* aaah i remember are the mature and sex tags there only because of the near rape experiance or is it for future sex scenes? Oh and i like how that each chapter is about 5 thousand words keeps it constant.
Yea i am serious i send an email to a few of my friends and someone who is pretty good writer the flutterdash community. I think this story is great and can only get better so i sent it to my friends because it is a great story!!! Yup... Free advertising. Anywho thank you for the awesome story. Anyway mikea out... Peace!!!
3114004
upon re-read I see what you mean, It may have been better to split these up over time - so thank you - it's critiques like this I need so as I can bear them in mind in future fics
I'm thinking about adding more detail to this in the future chapters but am unsure whether to include it in this or do it as a standalone side-along one shot fic.
Originally yes, but I just rolled with it as I thought why not? Now I just need to work out other pones to go in them - oc's or established background chars? I'm thinking of throwing that up in the forums and allowing people to nominate their own oc's - problem there is when I write it will I get their personalities right?
Perfect example being is there's no way I'd write a Nyx story as I don't think I could do Pen Stroke's character justice.
as for the 5000 words thing, that's deliberate. when I first write a chapter they're 2500 words, so I write the next chapter and then merge them as one. The bit I have to be careful with is making sure the merge doesn't make the story to jumpy/choppy in places
Finally - just thought you'd like to know am editing the next chapter now
3114004 Sorry forgot . . .
I will only ever be alluding to the sex - mild to heavy foreplay yes, but actual sex scenes I'm utter cr*p at writing.
3114358 okay I was just curious. Im not much of a clopper myself but if ot is written well in a story and designed to only add to the plot not the main part then i will read it. I hope that makes sense.
3114318 Haha, I also forgot something.
I think a stand alone fic would work but in the end I think that you should make a interlude of pinkie telling applejack the story. Kinda like a side scene. Mayby you could make it take place after pinkie goes off with applejack after she first tells fluttershy about that event (i hope that you get which scene I am talking about, im going by memory).
I get what you mean. Also i am a writer myself and my specialy is writing a characterizing OC's. If you want you could tell my what you want those characters would be like and ill expand upon it, ill make a little outline guid thingy. Im a begining writer but i'm really good at outlining (my main writing flaw is that I suck at writing dialogue). But to be honest i think that asking the community is a better plan because that will, in the end, appeal to a wider audience.
Random thing: Also on a side note I see that you have issues trusting editors. I suggest you find an editor and have them copy the fic from here, edit it, pm it to you so you can read over it to see if it is what you want. This way you still have the origina just in case they go and re write it.
Going to read this later, but would like to mention that the blurb of your story on the update search list says weeting instead of meeting.
Criticism:
First, just a little tip put the flashbacks in italic form, I think it adds to the story more then you think. Next, really Rain... Im not that big fan of that nickname to be honest, I prefer dashie personaly but thats all up to you. I saw a few spelling and grammer mistakes but nothing to big and overally very good. Oh and this story needs more LUNA!!! (sorry im a big luna fan) Im not sure if your noticed but im reaching for things to criticize, its just so good that there is almost nothing to say!!!
This is just opinion based. I dont want this to change, i just want to state my opinion. Ok personaly im not a big fan of the whole adoption thing for two reasons. First i think its too soon in the story and second I think that you need to go more into scoots background first. I mean for Faust sake where the hay has he been living before the story???
Things I liked:
Cloud towels... Genious!!!
Also i like how you finaly got dash and fluttershy together. I like the applespark scene alot. The Scene at the end at the barracks was really good. There is more but this is all i got for now, I'll add more later when I get the time.
Random comment: I noticed that you seem to let out any bad language in the story and even in your comments. I was wondering if there is a reason for that?
Note: This comment is where i will put all lf my stuff about this chapter in. I will edit/add more later. I do this for organization and to help prevent spam in the comments. Ill add a seporate comment to say when I am finished.
3126654 Fixed the blurb, thanks
3126900
no? really? i'd never have guessed. LOL
That will be covered later, but first we need the re-introduction of the ShadowBolts . . . . .
I do understand what you're saying, I will admit I argued with myself a lot as to whether to go this road or not, and although the decision has been made to adopt, I'm not going to do the cliche one form and it's all sorted, It will be a while before everything happens.
Eeyup
, I tend not to allow swearing too much in my stories, I find if I do that and a character does end up swearing at a serious point it seems to add just that much more . . . tension to a scene.
As for comments, well I didn't want to be rude! LOL
3127479
Wait how were you rude?
3128003
As in the no swearing - I don't swear too much as I don't want to come across as being rude. Sorry for confusion
3128043 okay thanks for the clarification. And i feel the same way, as you have seen i sensor any bad language i may use. I dont want to offend anyone either.
3127479
Huh, I didnt think it was THAT obvious?
Wow this chapter was conflicting, in a good way. I was so sad for Pinkie Pie and her hint of her confession, it was sad to hear. Then she perked back up and was all smiles again, very Pinkie indeed. The branding and gelding scene was dark though. It is hard to imagine Ponyville acting so vengeful, but I guess he showed no remorse and in fact liked the idea of hurting another. It was just a hard scene to read, and it really makes you think about how people are punished. And although I think it may be too harsh, how would a parent feel if their child was raped. Good thing this is just fiction. Then I was laughing again at Rarity's reactions, and of course Cadence's look of wanting a baby. But the part with Scootaloo was so sad, and then about the orphanage. I was like DAMN, this is messed up!
All and all, a very good read, and you have a wonderful way of setting the tone and making the reader really feel for the characters. I know I had a similar idea for my fic, altough not going as far. Just want to say, well done!
Fist I want to say, I really hope you feel better. It sucks being sick. I think you write very well, very few grammatical errors. Wow, what type of evil orphanage does Ponyville have, the story has gotten really interesting!