Only Human

So life was pretty good, just finished school with spot-on grades and found a couple of brony friends. It's summer break and there's nothing better than chilling on your bed, so how could this get worse. Getting something you've never asked for! Now I'm stuck in Equestria with no way getting back home. Well I better make the best of it. But I'f anyone can hear this, HELP ME!!!!!!!
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This is a 1st person/POV story. Also this my first fanfiction so any advice would be helpful. Credit to[url=tigerman002.deviantart.com]tigerman002 for the cover art. Also this Equestria has some modern technologies.

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moviemaster8510

moviemaster8510 #1 · Oct 20th, 2013 · 11 · 1 ·

My name is Ray and my life is waking up, going to school, coming home, recording on my camcorder, and sleeping. Pretty normal, for me at least.

Rule of thumb, you should never tell a story in this fashion. Just think of it like a movie. Would you rather watch The Avengers, or would you rather have Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, and Thor sitting in a room, facing the camera, and just talk about the events of The Avengers?

Stories, like movies, must draw you in by showing the events currently happening through rich descriptions. Without them, it's only talking heads, and those just bore us to tears.

But now what I will write to whoever found this back on Earth, please, if you can, tell no one. It's for safety reasons and for the sake of...(wait for it)...Equestria. So keep your mouth shut ya here me, because if you do I'll...wait I'm stuck here so uh disregard that threat but don't tell anyone. Alright,good, now it all started on Friday...

Oh, so this is a precursor to your actual story? Oh, my apologies. Let's get to it then.

Light shone through my room through the window and my alarm clock went off at uh...6:00AM I think.

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Do I really need to explain my first paragraph again? I won't, but let me tell you, if I were to pick up this story in the manner your character left it, I would have found the nearest cliff and threw it off so I wouldn't let it take up space in my brain any longer.

put on antiperspirant (deodorant)

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My clothes consisted of a dark blue shirt with a moon and pants that said "Bury The Hatchet". After all that nonsense I cut on the TV and waited for it to start up.

If you aren't going to bother describing your world or what your character is actually doing, why should your readers bother to care at all?

'Good thing I recorded all the seasons of "My Little Pony;Friendship is Magic onto my flash drive, now I can get back in the motion.'

And he's a brony?

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I hit the mute button on my remote and turned down the volume on my TV while everyone in my house was asleep. My family, well they don't care that I am a brony. My dad just wants me to do all my schoolwork, my mom, she thinks it's nonsense, but I don't believe her, and my sister, she is a hardcore pegasister. She watches the show with me when any new episodes come out. As for me I am a collector, if you can say.

Listen, I know how quickly you want to fulfill your fantasies of becoming besties with the Mane 6, but I guarantee you that if we know nothing about your character (that's worthwile), see the connections with the people in his life, or the world he lives in, we're not going to enjoy the ride like you are (clearly).

My father sells furniture for a living and my mom is a social worker (someone that helps sort out other people's problems).

I'm sorry, who are you writing this story for, five-year olds? We know what a social worker is. If you have to explain this to us, you're on the wrong site.

I am the oldest of the siblings and the tallest as well. Back then, I was about 4"9. Now I'm 5"5.

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I have to walk my sister to school because as luck would have it, our schools are just across from each other, so we both get to school on time (if I ever wake up). The pathway to school has never changed, there was always a stone path to school, always has. As I said goodbye to my sister as we arrived at her school, I turned away and walked to mine.

I never had much friends back in school, usually I kept to myself but there were some friends I did make. Especially this one dude named Mike. Why he is the best friend that I have is that he watches the same TV cartoon show, My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic.
Now Mike, he can be a bit of a wild card but he's cool.

Of course, I can't be bothered to show how Mike is a wild card and he's cool. I mean, character development? That's going to cut into my Pinkie Pie party time, so fuck that noise!

How we became friends is a story I should tell.

Why? You haven't even begun telling yours correctly yet.

Mike was like me, an introvert, as I can say. Nobody payed any attention to him since he well "blends to the background" but there was something that made him distinctive. It happened when I was giving a presentation of what I thought was badass. MLP;FIM. After that presentation I did make bronies in my class and found some as well, and one of them was Mike. And that's how Mike is my friend.
Class was always as normal. English, Math, Science, and Gym. I soared in every one of my classes especially Gym, since I was so athletic, espicially if we had Dodgeball because I would be Matrix dodging everything. But Math wasn't my strongsuit but I got by.
I saw Mike down the hallway by his locker while my class and I was getting ready for the 1st mod of class for the last day of school until summer break. Ah, Summer break, where us kids can watch tv for a whole 3 months, completly draining out brains of knowledge and doing whatever we wanted. I love you Summer.

The final bell rung telling us that it was time to roam away from the school building.

As opposed to the final bell telling you that it's time for all of you to blow each other.

Everyone burst out of the building to their buses, cars, or just walking home. As I gathered my backpack and school supplies, Mike waited by his locker, away from mine. "Ray when are you gonna go. I already have all my stuff and I might leave you if you take to long.", Mike said. Grabbing my backpack and my black hoodie from my locker, I ran out of the school with Mike.

And my sister is left waiting for me to pick her up, but she's not important. What's important is my future tailoring session with Rarity!

"So now that's it officially Summer break, what's the first thing your gonna do?",I said. "Well, the first thing I will is...is...uh Ray?", he said to me with a hint of discomfort. "Yeah Mike?" "Do you see that blue portal in the parking lot?" I turned to the parking lot to see a blue portal spinning in itself. Yeah, so Mike?"

1. Okay so you're not even going to describe the portal? It's just fucking there out of the fucking blue?

2. Does no one else see this fucking portal? I mean, it's right fucking there, but again, if you even bothered trying to make sense, I'd be reading a much better story.

"Ray there is a blue portal right here near us, don't you want to go see what's inside it?", Mike said. "Dude the portal could send us anywhere!", he exclaimed.

Another thing, Mike isn't just a wild-card, he's probably the biggest fucking moron on God's green earth.

"Yeah, dude, let's go into a portal that could easily send us to our untimely deaths! Fuck your family, friends, and comfortable way of life, because maybe P0N135 LEL!!!!!11"

"See that's the part that i'm afraid of,"going anywhere" means that we might not get back home- Ever.", I said trying to talk him out of going into the portal.

With someone as stupid as Mike, I think it's safe to cut your losses.

"Oh well, YOLO ( You Only Live Once).

1. So Mike jumps into an interdimensional portal because of YOLO? Jesus fuck, Mike makes Terri Schaivo look like Madame Curie.

2. If you seriously think we're dumb enough not to know what YOLO is in this day and age...

Mike jumped into the portal without a second thought. I watched him jump into the portal shocked. Fearing what would happen to him I looked into the portal. Blue, noghting but never-ending blue. 'I'll feel really stupid for doing this but i'm coming for ya Mike.' I followed after my friend through the portal.

I was falling. I screamed, fearing that I would keep going forever. My body churned like butter as I kept spinning inside the portal. I wondered if I made the hugest mistake of my life for going through a portal, trying to find my best friend.

No, I think your biggest mistake was that HE was your best friend.

I saw the end of the portal that led to the other side. But I blacked out before I could reach it.

How smashingly original.

Darkness was all around me. I didn't know if I was alive or dead but I could move around in the darkness. I started walking around until I found a lantern and a note that said "I hope we meet soon.". Confused I picked up the lantern and continued walking again until I found a door. Wanting to escape the darkness, I opened the door and I woke up.
I was laying in a field of grass. It was dark outside. I checked my watch to see what the time was and it was- "Half past unreadable." I tore off my watch and threw it into a tree. I stood up and found out that my friend Mike wasn't beside me. He was gone. Being that I was a kind person I thought he might have left somewhere without me. 'But why would he go without me?'
I focused on some more of my surroundings and I realized I was on top of a hill. And far beyond another hill I saw a town. 'Good now I'll know where I am.' Without anything else to do I made my way down the hill and headed to this new town.

On my travel to this town, it was getting closer and closer in the distance. I just wanted to get into the town to go sleep. Then I'd go find Mike, exchange information from our travels, then try to find our way back home, (or not). It seemed like a busying task but I knew I could do it. I just with the best of luck for Mike, wherever he is. Lost in my thoughts, I fell over a sign. "Oww." I stood up and looked at the sign, which it said in big bold letters,
WELCOME TO PONYVILLE
I couldn't believe what I was reading. If this is Ponyville then I must be in Equestria. The rush knowing that I'm in my favorite cartoon show made me want to start sobbing happily all the way there. I slapped myself. 'No, you are a man Ray you'll cry when you see Ponyville's residents.' I kept walking all the way to Ponyville.

Yay! I'm in a completely strange world and I may never see my parents or sister again, my retard of a best friend is missing, but PONIESYOLOSWAGLOLFTWSAUCEBBQ!!!!111111112345

'So now I'm here many hours later. Hmm, the sun's coming up, it'll be morning soon. I don't know where I'm gonna sleep or eat or how I'll keep myself alive since I have to one to help me.'

Because this is EXACTLY how people talk to themselves in real life, right? RIGHT?

And by the way, how the fuck is it that you can see Ponyville clearly from the hill (along with there being a sign to the fucking town) and you've been walking for several hours and you STILL haven't gotten to the town?

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I put on my hoodie do try to conceal my face if anyone was out of their house early. With the blue portal transporting me here and the walk to Ponyville had made me tired and hungry as heck. I'm talking "sleeping for a 1000 years and eating 25% of the world's food" kind of tired and hungry.

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Slumber had started to take hold of me so my knees started to buckle. Fearing I was going to fall to the ground I tried to grab anything for leverage. I caught a sign but due to the lack of strength form being tired, I fell face-first into the dirt. 'So much for getting up.'
I tried to command my arms to move but my body wasn't listening to my commands. My torso could obey my control so I started slithering towards North, but I only got a few feet away from where I landed and my body completely failed on me. I couldn't move. This was it. I was going to sleep. Permanentely.

Good. One less boring-as-all-fuck self-insert to deal with.

No the writer can't let his main character die in the first chapter.
But I'm tired.
You know what writer, since I'm nice and since I see this story going in a good direction I'll help out Ray.

SO MANY FUCKING THINGS WRONG WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN?

1. Now you're going to break the 4th wall? Are you really this fucking desperate for attention?
2. So now the writer is a character in the story? What the fuck happened to this being a story that someone just finds? How the fuck is this supposed to translate into that?
3. You seriously think this story is going in a good direction?

4. And your breaking the fourth wall because you want to keep your boring-ass character alive? Just leave him! I thought you shot yourself in the foot before, but with this, you just shot yourself in the face!

Ray was fading in and out of conscience. It seemed like this was it for me. Though through the times I saw fading in and out I saw a pony with a light green coat of fur. Her mane was a toothpaste mint with the same color of it's coat. It sounded female due to the fact that she saw me. On the top of her skull was a horn. I guess it's a unicorn. The last time when I faded out was that she was levitating me and galloping to wherever she was taking me. I finally shut my eyes and started to drift into slumber. Whatever happens now to me will now be set on her.
There are you happy now writer?
Yes I am. Anyways goodnight to all you readers.

These chapters will take time to form so I might take days for me to make a chapter

Really? I just wrote 4,000 words in a single day yesterday, and coincidentally they were far more thought out than this drivel.

Anyways I hope you like this first chapter,it may not be the best you've ever seen but it's a start so any helpful comments will do.

Oh man, this is FAR from the best thing I've ever read.

I'll try to make a chapter in the next few days so bye!

How's about you fix/burn this story before you think of doing that?

P.S. I know I feel like I rushed it but it's 2:40 A.M. Where I'm at.

Then write when it's NOT late and write when you're not tired. Is that really such a difficult concept to grasp?

P.S.S. The person that is speaking in blue italics is the person that who I pretend is there helping me write these chapters but this person doesn't have a name but you people in the comment section can give the person a name and the name I like best shall be the person's name.

How's about, "The Most Contrived and Bullshit Deus ex Machina Plot Device Ever?" Does that work?

It will either be a human that's the blue italics or your OC from the MLP:FIM universe. I've been rambling on enough today so I'll go catch some zzz's and catch you crafty ponies later.

Yeah, fucking ciao.

Kickback

Kickback #2 · Oct 20th, 2013 · · 14 ·

3372918
Holy fuck, man
Got anything better to do with your time?

moviemaster8510

moviemaster8510 #3 · Oct 20th, 2013 · 1 · ·

3372974 At 9 AM on a Sunday morning? Like what?

Kickback

Kickback #4 · Oct 20th, 2013 · · ·

3372980
I dunno, mate, just not waste your time havin' a go at a sub-par fic for more than ya should

moviemaster8510

moviemaster8510 #5 · Oct 20th, 2013 · · ·

3373001 It's only time wasted if I didn't enjoy myself. And if this person wants to be taken seriously as a writer, he's got to learn how to both take criticism (no matter how harsh it may be) and write stories well.

FicusCat

FicusCat #6 · Oct 20th, 2013 · 2 · ·

Moviemaster said it all, like usual.

The actual " story " is just a huge nonsensical cliché, without anything interresting or believable inside. The characters are bland and irrational, I can't feel invested in the story of Moron McBland and Generic sidekicks n°47, they're not credible or likeable at all.

Blackguard