Adventure Time Meets My Little Pony Friendship is Magic part 2 by dbzponyninja written on August 02, 2013,
Last time on Adventure Time Meets My Little Pony Friendship is Magic Ice King has once again kidnapped Princess Bubblegum in the land of Ooo and Finn the human and Jake the dog went out to stop him but when Ice King discovered a portal and jumped through him, Finn, Jake and the kidnapped Princess Bubblegum wound up in Canterlot in the land of Equestria, shortly after that Finn and Jake caught Ice King and rescued Princess Bubblegum however after asking where they were Princess Celestia was kidnapped and Princess Luna shortly afterwards then two of Princess Celestia's unicorn Royal Guards plus Finn, Jake and Princess Bubblegum went to Ponyville to ask all six members of The Mane Six and Spike the dragon for help what happens next let's find out right now?
After much thinking Princess Celestia's Royal Guards figured out that Ice King might have taken Princess Celestia to a nearby cave and they found one and the reason they didn't mention her younger sister Princess Luna is because they were unaware that she has also been kidnapped as well.
Along the way Finn, Jake and Princess Bubblegum were asked about the land of Ooo by Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Rarity (Applejack, Fluttershy and Spike) didn't really ask anything but anyway they were asked things like what is Ooo, like, is there candy there, does magic exist in Ooo like in Equestria and what is Princess Bubblegum's kingdom like?
Finn, Jake and Princess Bubblegum answered the following questions by saying Ooo is a beautiful place just like this one, everyone in the Candy Kingdom is made of candy but if any of you are ever somehow teleported there please do not eat them, yes magic does exist in Ooo and the Candy Kingdom is a wonderful kingdom full of wonderful people."
Anyway after much galloping/ trotting in the case of everyone but Finn, Jake and Princess Bubblegum as they just walked the cave where Ice King was believed to be hiding in was found.
Fluttershy asked in her soft almost quiet voice that she talks in when she saw that Princess Luna was kidnapped as well as Princess Celestia too "Umm excuse me how are we going to rescue both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna?"
Pinkie Pie said in her high pitch high energy voice that she talks in "Oh how about I run in there and distract him then while he isn't looking everypony else plus Spike, Finn, Jake and Princess Bubblegum sneak in, untie Princess Celestia and Princess Luna and then we shall all escape?"
Twilight asked Pinkie Pie "Pinkie Pie that plan is genius how did you come up with a plan like that?"
Pinkie Pie told her by breaking the fourth wall like she does from time to time "I read the script in this fan fiction crossover story that we're all in duh."
Anyway all six members of The Mane Six and Princess Celestia's Royal Guards facehoofed at what Pinkie Pie just said and then went along with her plan.
After rescuing the co-rulers of Equestria Finn, Jake and Princess Bubblegum told Princess Celestia and Princess Luna about the land of Ooo and with help from Twilight they helped Finn, Jake and Princess Bubblegum return back home while Ice King was locked in Canterlot jail. The End.
That's Pretty Cool.
Just reading the description I see a run-on sentence. You may want to change that. I won't read the story, only because I don't watch Adventure Time. Sorry!
There are a ton of run-on sentences and the whole thing seems pretty rushed. Maybe you could expand on it a bit more. Try describing their surroundings and reactions a little more. Where did they land in Canterlot? How did they get to Ponyville?
Other than that, I think you have the basic ideas needed for a story. Just try to use more details and see how it works out.
Oops, just read the last chapter. But you may want to edit it a little more. You could probably rewrite it and get a few more chapters in. You didn't really describe how Finn and jake would react to magical ponies, or how they would react to them. If you want, I could help you with ideas to extend the story. Just gimme a call
This story seems pretty short and non-described. Please re edit it.
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If you look over his other stories, unfortunately, you'll see that this is how all of them are written, and that these flaws have been pointed out to him repeatedly, by multiple commenters, in every single one... and yet he persists in doing it. I don't think he knows how to write at any level above this... and honestly, I'm not even sure where to start trying to explain it to him, as this seems like something that would require a year or two of remedial English courses to overcome, not just a few story comments or e-mails. (If you think you can get through to him, Sugarush13, best of luck!)
A twelve-year-old girl has better compositional skills than this -- and I mean that literally; there's a 12-year-old girl on this site who's posted several stories which are actually pretty good for a 7th-grader. (Even if she does have a habit of making changes after I've already proofread them for her, then not giving me a chance to proof the changes before she posts them. )
I mean, yes, this is just fan-fiction, and not everyone can be Tolkien or Shakespeare or Robert Heinlein. But when you've posted thirteen stories, and every one of them has far more downvotes than upvotes (except for two, which are evenly split at 50/50), and nearly every one of them has comments from multiple commenters telling you that what you're doing is wrong, and why... don't you think that maybe, just maybe, you should consider that there's a slight possibility that you're doing something wrong, and that maybe the people critiquing your writing style know what they're talking about?
(Granted, it's not my web site, so it's no skin off my nose if dbzponyninja continues to post this stuff... I just hate to see someone repeatedly making a fool of themselves without even understanding why everyone's rolling their eyes and laughing at them.)
This is not an actual story. This is the little description of a story that gets put on the dust jacket of the book.