Put the cart before the horse, mix things up, and look at them in a different way.
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When tragedy strikes her city, a human therapist begins having flashbacks to the world of Equestria, where she once was a pony in the peaceful town of Ponyville.
How will she reconcile her visions of her pony past life to the imperfect reality of the human condition and the world she finds herself in?
Thanks to Skeeter the Lurker for pre-reading.
Thanks to Comrade Sparkle for editing.
You guys are great!
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A story written by Carts and edited by Comrade?
I had high hopes. They weren't completely disappointed. The premise is okay, and the writing is great as always. It just seems to kind of lack a purpose, and the dialogue isn't always believable.
Still, liked on the strength of the good stuff.
Update: also, "woah" is not a word. It is, has been, and will always be "whoa".
3110517 Thanks, man!
3110517
Mr. Carts and I treat dialogue a bit differently; it was certainly interesting to read. I only wish I could have helped more, but I don't have much of a stomach for [Tragedy] one-shots. I hope everyone enjoys it, though. Carts has put a lot of effort into this.
LIAR! THIS IS 6,859 WORDS LONG, NOT 7,000! YOU LIE!
3111022
I think that's something like a 2% margin of error...
3111025 2% IS UNACCEPTABLE!
wow that touched deep.
Much better. Glad to have been of help, man.
~Skeeter The Lurker
I know you can't see me, but I'm giving you a standing ovation.
3111975
Thanks! Glad you liked it.
3111354
If you start at pony and are destined to travel in the dark places it sounds more like a punishment than anything else. Let you see paradise then provide ashes. Yes it could be a source of inner strength but it could also be a reserviour of sadness and loss carried forward with each lifetime.
3112010 Well, Ruth could have easily killed herself... who knows whether or not that had happened to anyone else .
Also, I like to think that after completing their "service" in the human world, then they are allowed to ascend to paradise. (If you've ever read Odd Thomas, maybe it works sorta like that)
Or, you can go with the theory that none of it was real after all, and Ruth really did just have an over-active imagination.
Name of Story: Hallucinations, everywhere! Also, something about fire and ponies and past lives. OUR PONY PAST LIFE.
Grammar Score (Out of 10): 9
Obviously your editors and pre-readers know what they're doing, as I only encountered a couple of instances where I was unsure of the words used.
Maybe it is memories? Shouldn't it be "Maybe they're memories" because memories is plural?
THE WORLD PREMIER!? WOW! Wait... Shouldn't it be spelled "Premiere" if we're talking about the first showing of a movie?
Other than those two instances I was unsure about (I may even be wrong), I couldn't find any other mistakes. I don't confess to being very literate, anyway, so I'm not one to check for grammar mistakes and such.
Here's where I like to nitpick/review!
Pros:
1.) I really enjoyed your characterization and, given the short story length, how you were able to breathe life into characters that could have been written dully. You gave the reader enough to know the character without putting on too much baggage or extra information.
2.) Ruth's progression into her memories was really well done! My favorite scenes were when Ruth imagines the Dragonshy episode when she sees the fire and smoke on the mountain and the morbid laughter after her sister dies in the shooting.
3.) I felt bad for the dog. That is all.
4.) Like I stated earlier, your story is not too long or too short. It's a great balance between what the reader wants out of a short story like this, with just enough detail and intrigue to keep us reading while also not bombarding us with lads of needless information.
5.) The entire sequence, beginning with Ruth's drive to the theater until the end of the letter sequence, was easily my favorite moment in the entire story. I loved pretty much everything about it, and, while it didn't strike an emotional chord with me, I can say that I was surprised and moved, though not to tears, at the same time.
Cons:
1.) In the beginning, when Ruth is stopped and says to herself:
This, to me, seemed totally out of place and out of Ruth's character at the time of the story. Maybe if a line like that were uttered later on, I would understand, but it just seemed odd to me to have a professional woman say something as random as... well... that. One could argue it's a "Pony memory" kicking in, as if that would be something Twilight or Pinkie Pie might say, but to me, it was just a weird moment that I don't really know how to feel about.
2.) Sharon's death. Not necessarily the fact that she was shot instead of burned, because that was a cool, if uncomfortable, twist. No, it was the fact she died at all. It's more of a cliche than anything else to have Sharon die, and it's a necessary plot twist to get to the brilliant letter sequence, but I found it a con because of what I believe is the bane of any short story that has an emotional heart to it, even some of mine: While I stated earlier your characters had character and were well-realized enough to suit the needs of the story, the problem with short stores is if a character is killed off, there usually isn't too much emotional investment in the killed character, leading to not much of an emotional response from the reader. The death of Ruth's dog is another example. The characters may have an emotional response, but the readers do not, unfortunately.
It's not really your fault, as the story didn't need to be any longer, and it was needed to push Ruth over the edge. I just dislike deaths in short stories because of the lack of character interaction/development/emotional investment involved. It's more of a fault of the short story as an art form than anything else. Think of Dickens' "A Christmas Memory" as an example of this.
Notes:
I don't really have any, except to keep on writing, my friend. This was an interesting story, I must say, and I'm excited to see what you come up with next! The ending was really great, as well, especially the confession at the end. Very good, indeed!
Love always and forever,
-Ghost
Just dropping by to thank you for the review. I'm somewhat busy for the next few days, but I will eventually review this story.
Alternative title: Hasbro sponsors a lifetime movie.
Sorry for taking so long - I've been really busy with school. This review was brought to you by Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Our Pony Past Life
Grammar Score: 9.5/10
I only noticed some very minor mistakes.
Pros:
-Ruth is an interesting character
-Original premise
-The ending
Cons:
-Felt emotionally flat
-The pace is too fast
-Lack of body language
Notes:
Overall, I couldn't bring myself to like the story very much. The biggest reason is that I just couldn't feel Ruth's emotions, because everything happened so fast. I feel that 7k words simply isn't enough for a story like this. The fast pacing comes apparent when Sharon dies: in just a thousand words, Ruth is reduced to thinking about suicide, and without long and proper buildup, I didn't feel particularly bad for her.
Another problem is the lack of body language. There's lots of dialogue with no or little narration in between (frowning, smiling, etc), especially when Ruth and Sharon converse. This is one of the reasons why I just didn't feel the sadness and other stuff that was probably intended. Things happened, but the characters just didn't seem to react appropriately. A prime example is Jonh's call: I get the impression that he's speaking in a normal, calm voice since you don't imply otherwise. That struck me as weird.
The ending was pretty good, and I liked the basic idea of a past life as a pony. To be honest, the ending was pretty much the only part where I felt properly emotionally connected to the story. Even though the story wasn't bad, it just didn't have much of an impact to me. Grammar-wise you're doing well, and the errors were so small that they didn't distract me from the story. I'd say that the pacing is the one thing that needs the most work in this story, since it's directly connected with the emotional connection the reader feels, at least with me.
Wish it would've been longer.
Thanks to my conflicted feelings over this beautiful story take a dislike and a fave.
5909744 Uh, thanks!
5909951 Yeah... I apologize for the dislike... It just didn't feel right to click the like futon for some reason... But do know that I liked your story.