Just your run-of-the-mill changeling, trying to get some love for my stories. I like redeemed villains, and I can't stand depressing stuff, my sanity is far too fragile already.
Sunlit Hearth, a unicorn adopted by earth ponies, arrives less-than-boringly in Ponyville. After the excitement dies down, he realizes that an important piece of his life, the identities of his parents, is still missing. Deciding to step out of his comfort zone, he sets out to uncover his family's past. But he may face some unexpected and frightening answers...
Page generated in 0.072 seconds
Total duration
751 users online
1,621,882 hits today, 2,673,812 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
hehehe
Nice chapter, btw. I like the idea of Sunlit learning, and getting his ass kicked at the same time.
Oh, and I can't forget this:
fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/129/7/f/this_is_equestria__by_mandarinswift-d4z5coo.png
Mm. Bit longer, this one. Definitely putting it on my 'read later' list, it looks good.
Alrighty, finally got around to reading this. First off, I like it, but there is plenty of room for improvement. It has the same problem Bioshock does, to be honest. It takes your average everyman, and turns his world upside down, and he has to learn to adapt or die... Except we never get to see his average life beforehand. We get a few bits here and there, but honesty, I feel that in both cases, the story would benefit a bit from being slowed down and extended a bit.
Now, this isn't feasible in Bioshock, because everyone wants to get to the "shooting dudes" part of the game, but it would work very well in this story. His interaction with Pinkie and Applejack, and especially Twilight/Spike, are interesting, and reveal quite a bit about his personality. In my opinion, he should bum around Ponyville for a few weeks, getting settled in, showing off his character as is, and fixing up his house (Subtly building up physical strength, so the jump to physical fighting isn't as jarring) before he finally gets around to learning about his heritage. There's a reason 80% of The Karate Kid is him training before he even begins fighting, and a good portion of that isn't even the karate training; it's the whole "Wax on, wax off" bit, and honing his balance.
Then we get to the Tor, and the main story, as it were. Now, we actually begin training, and this, again, should take a bit as opposed to a day's length between him showing up and spontaneously being able to have Psychonauts-level control over his psyche, then using that to fight mental assassins who have already learned of his existence. Speaking of them, how exactly have they learned of him? Maybe it would be best to have, after a bit, a scene where Shadestar is having a dream (Perhaps a nightmare about Darkstar? Incidentally, I wouldn't reveal that so soon. Hint at it first, and later on, use the subject as a bonding experience between them.) when suddenly, one of the assassins uses that as a probe, to try and find her. She accidentally allows said assassin to peek into her memory, and then discovers she's trying to train Sunlit. Then the battle a few days later, which they've hurriedly been preparing for since.
Like I said, it's good, and the OCs aren't egregiously overpowered... as long as you make them earn it. You see what I'm getting at?