Enigmatic darkness for the perverse.
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Thunderlane263 stories ·181 members
A colt braves a storm, not caring who he is, not caring if he will die. All he cares about is catching that mare falling from the sky. Lightning breaks open pockets of air, releasing thunder into the air. He rides across the sky next to the booming roar, and all he cares about... is catching her before she hits the ground.
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Do want
3225759 Want do
Hi there! Scribblestick here on behalf of WRITE with some friendly writing tips and feedback and such. So, let's get started!
It's rare to see a story written in present tense. It was a nice change of pace, but there was something a little unsettling about it. That may just be me, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I thought I'd mention it.
I also like what you're doing with Lightning--namely, filling in her backstory. I like the depth you've added to her character, and parts made me cringed when I remembered how Wonderbolt Academy turned out for her. For the most part, I like how she and Thunderlane interact. The only parts that bugged me where when Thunderlane told her off (when she ran to her room, for example) because they seemed a bit out of character for him. I think making his motivations/emotions clearer in these parts would help, as I can imagine reasons why he would do this.
As much as I enjoyed the characters, I found myself beginning to lose interest as the story went on into the second chapter. I can't really pin down why this was, but part of it might be that I'm not entirely sure where you're trying to go with this. I think you have a solid start with the characters, but the story felt aimless the longer I read. Perhaps this is intentional, since both Thunderlane and Lightning feel lost and confused, but it started to get old for me as a reader.
On to some details:
You shift to past tense here when it should be present. This is the only time I noticed it.
A few missing commas:
Also, be careful using the world "would" when writing in present tense. When talking in the present, the word "would" also requires an "if," as it's a conditional way of saying something. "I would shoot you in the head if you turned into a zombie," for example. Sometimes the "if" is stated in a previous sentence ("What if I turned into a zombie?" "I would shoot you in the head") or implied by the situation. There were a few times, such as in the last sentence I quoted, that I couldn't find an "if," which left me confused for a moment.
Another word to watch for in present tense is "then":
"Then" implies that something has occurred in the past, that one thing happened before another. Since you're writing in present tense (as in, everything is happening now), this can create an uncomfortable tense shift.
There were a few telly moments, such as:
Try to find ways to show this through actions and dialogue, as this will make it more interesting.
Rogue storms, as I'm assuming it's not raining makeup.
This broke the flow of the story. Also, the paragraph this sentence is in is telly.
This seemed a bit old to me to be in a crib, but apparently this isn't uncommon.
Telly.
You use the word "as" twice in this sentence. I recommend changing the second to "and."
Your.
The second comma should be a period, or the "d" in "don't" should be lower case. Also, moments like these make we wonder if Thunderlane is really eight years old.
I can see this from Lightning, but it's weird coming from Thunderlane. He seems like a fairly friendly sort of colt, and the way they're using "intern" seems impersonal and snotty.
Well, that's all I have for now. Hope it helps!
~Scribblestick, WRITE's notoriously friendly reviewer
3272605 Thanks, this is a very big help. I'm just glad someone took the time to really go through it all. You provided more than enough. There were a few stupid mistakes I should have caught; thanks for pointing those out too. I'm really satisfied with your review. Just thank you
I'll get to editing right away.