Twilight finally agrees to let her daughter Nyx take her first flying lesson with Rainbow Dash.
Nyx is an OC created by Pen Stroke. Credit for the character goes to him.
Chapters (1)
ManeWriter
Joined 28th Feb, 2013 ·
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3141884 This isn't all that dark. If you want to see dark as f@#$, you should check out fLuTtEr. Be forewarned, it contains massive amounts of dark material, as well as some sexual material. However, it is a very good story. It even has a sequel (called CoRoNa), which is currently in hiatus, but is very good as well.
....Well then...
You should get an editor to look over some of your sentence structures.
Should be:
"Nyx," Twilight called from her perch.
The black filly tried to turn sharply, but needed Rainbow’s help to keep her from going off course.“Yes mom,” Nyx said landing on a nearby cloud.
“It’s time to go home. You need your nap.”
“Mooom,” Nyx pouted, her serpent eyes glaring at the lavender unicorn, “I’m not a baby anymore.”
“Yes, I know that honey,” Twilight wrapped a hoof around her daughter, bringing her close, “but you’ve been driving Rainbow nuts for the past hour and a half.”
I hope you find that helpful.
(gave ya a thumbs-up, btw)
This was really good. Kinda want to see how nyx deals with Twilight refusing to let her fly again though. Can I ask for more please?
*facepalm* Twiliiiight.... that doesn't help....
3142157 I know, just had to rush it this time, been going to Niagara Falls the past few days and I"m trying to get it all in. Writing was the least of my worries. Thanks for the help though!
3142267 Just thought that it would end with something like this
to lighten the mood, guess that didn't work. Don't think I will continue this, sorry
, got more story ideas to write.
3142277 *Facehoof
Uhh........
What to say, what to say.....
Okay.
It was good. Maaaaaaybe a little bit rushed? No.... it was very rushed....
A few grammatic errors that even I can point out... (coming from the worst speller ever)
Otherwise its good.
Was looking for something sweet and came up with this....
Ugh... I'm and egghead
Let's say...
8/10
Think we can all understand trying to write ideas down as fast as possible when in the moment of inspiration or brainstorming. So if the writing is rushed, no biggie, however posting in a rush? Just don't, work on it and polish once you've got your ideas down before just spewing it out as a story.
You have a legit good idea, exploring one of Nyx's upcoming moments of life; learning to fly. Even Twilight's reaction works well as she does tend to overreact and take extreme precautions, but I think this is a bit more on a semi-humorous result rather than a dark one - for it to be 'dark' it should delve a bit into whether that comment is being serious or a motherly jab, a reaction from Nyx, or even Twilight outright making the injury worse, anything really rather than just an end note Your writing is generally fine, but as noted in an earlier post, your sentence and paragraph structure could use some work.
Trying not to be mean, but Pen Stroke's work sets the bar quite high, it would do you well to rework this a bit or potentially get crushed by Nyx fans that expect more from a story featuring her.
given how this story seems to be mostly about a character's life, I think the best tag would be "Slice Of Life"
3142474
What. D: So you're just going to leave it at .... Twilight prevents Nyx from ever flying again?
...
That. Sucks. D: As someone whom has been the victim of overprotective parenting and came out of it a ball of nerves? That. Sucks. Dude. D:
3143930
3147762 >:C No cake for
ever again.
3150770
3152068 Nope. Not even a crumb. :|
3154130
3154942 *peers at author* Nyx gets to fly again.
resumes getting cake :3
Typical.
3162893 What do you mean by that?
3163038
I cannot count how many times I've heard that. At least, something like that. Obviously not THAT.
Oh... sorry
3143930 Who, not whom.
3423566 Sieg Heil, Mein Fuhrer. :|
3435922 I'm actually a 8it surprised to see someone write as if the o8ject were the su8ject, when most people confuse them in the opposite direction.
3436452 There's probably good reasons for that. I've been the recipient of some violent actions in the past, including a number of blows to the head. Since one particular incident, my memory has been ... well, let's call it error-prone. Across the board. Short Term, Long Term, doesn't seem to matter. In some cases I'll outright forget things I really should not be forgetting.
Yesterday, for example, it took me about 5 minutes to recall my middle name.
3436649 At least you didn't lose your legs to any of those (unless you did) like I caused someone to. ((Not IRL)) Shut up, you.
3441461 :| Mine was IRL. Fortunately, I still have all my 'OEM' limbs. ;P
3436649
WAIT REALLY?
i cant imadgen forgetting my own NAME!
3726579 ...As I said, my middle name. Still, it was a frustrating moment.
3729127
moment cause you forgot
after you remembered it must have been a
3729133 Eeyup.
uh oh, Twilights in mama bear mode. I don't see this ending well for Dash, unreasonable or not.
when you have dialog and the speaker changes, you need to make a new paragraph. when you change subjects, you need to make new paragraphs. otherwise, I thought this was fairly interesting.
Nyx is going to have to learn to fly at one point or another.
WOW! You should wright more Nyx stories! This was a wonderful!
A good idea, though the spacing in the dialogue is really off. Different characters speaking in the same paragraph.
Aww
Oh twilight
You cant keep anycreature with wings off the ground!