in the deep dark dark depths of stable 38, Whispy Wind is pushed to the limit. The wasteland, False Goddesses, and, ultimately the death of his sister push him to the brink of sanity in this short chapter of my FOE fanfic...
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This is a sample chapter of an FOE fanfic I'm writing. I'm not sure if I'll actually use it, but I might... and I need YOUR help! That's right! You! The one reading this description! I have most basic concepts done, and have figured out the timeframe in which this takes place (around the time of little pip... like every other fanfic). However, like I said, I'll need help (preferably from someone who is a better writer than me and has FOE experience). If you are any good with the programming language, Python, also contact me! You will be useful for a side project! Email--------------------------------->foestable38@gmail.com
adequate now?
Bronyhooves
Joined 25th Aug, 2012 ·
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Chapters (1)
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what's with the hate? I said I needed help! Constructive criticism would be nice!
Let me read it real quick and I will see what I can do for ya.
This fic breaks so many rules. I'm curious as to how it was passed.
I haven't read it, it might actually be good, but the description alone should have failed the story. The title, too.
EVERYTHING Willow said. I don't even need to read this to see that this will end up turning into a clusterfuck of epic precautions.
People use the synopsis as a gauge of a story's quality. If it's riddled with spelling and grammar errors, YOU WILL GET DOWNVOTED. No ifs, buts or maybes.
And your title definitely doesn't help, either. People will see that and downvote on principle.
I have to start things off with kind of an apology. I have already been snapped at today by some of the softer members of this site saying that (if nicely put) I am a mean person. But I assure you that I mean no animosity.
Well there are some grammatical errors and a lot of punctuation issues, but you labeled this as a test chapter so I will not go further into that with the thought being that this is a rough draft. But that is not the root of the problem that you are having with your story.
The biggest problem is that it is bland. I suffer with the same problems in my own writing having been told I have the writing style fit for text books. How to solve this is much easier said than done. You need to add more flair to complement your descriptions. Lets look at a line from your story.
So what you could say instead is something like:
Like I have previously stated I am not much of an exciting writer myself, but you should be able to understand the point. Also adding a bit more description to the sentences wouldn't hurt but be careful not to clutter the sentence with too much detail. For example, what were the halls like? Were they cool, were they damp, did they smell of recycled air? By adding simple descriptions you can enhance the world for your readers.
Another problem you are going to run into is that Fallout crossovers are extremely overused. A lot of the Fallout crossover stories that do well on this site are usually due to the writer being a member of a group that promises that the other members of the group will up-vote your story with our regard to whether or not the story is any good. If this is the kind of story that you would like to write I would recommend that you join one of those groups. FOE stories on their own are usually doomed to be down-voted into oblivion.
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) but given time, I might be able to work out the problems.
Thanks. I noticed that my writing was bad, but I really wanted to do this. Honestly, most of this was written in the spur of the moment (my breaks at work). I was kinda hoping that this sample chapter would attract more competent writers (who would be my writing slaves
I know how your feeling. I came up with a Fallout Equestria side story and I've already planned out the whole thing, but I find it hard to write it all down. However, all you have to do is jump right into it and after a while it will just flow naturally. I intended my story to be very short, and now the origins chapter alone is over 8000 words
hmm, tbh its better than a lot of the stories out there.
gramma i wont go into as its already been mentioned [job for a prereader/editor in any case].
the issue i have myself is the flow of the story, it felt like it took jumps with no real explanation of how it reached that point.
the descriptions felt a little weak but thats an easy fix at this early stage.
A very talented writer i met in the IRC gave me some advice thats helped my own writing loads.
Think of the flow. start, middle, end. how did it reach this? where did the oc come from to get there? why are they there?
Add events, small things that don't impact the story but flesh out the environment and the oc. bring the world more to life.
after finishing your first draft, wait a few days and reread it. you will see it anew and see faults you missed.
Also think of at least five descriptive terms for any oc, if you use the same few all the time it lowers the immersion.
I'm not gonna lecture you and say dont write FoE as it will be downvoted to hell as frankly, thats a lie
. There are a large number of FoE stories out there that are well loved. you got the potential to be one of them if you flesh out the story and the oc more. make the reader feel part of the story.
Me and Greenhorn were lead back up the way we came, only this time, we were taken to a large room that could have been a theater, despite the lack of chairs. We were taken up to the place that the performers would stand and were told to sit. Then, they threw old potato sacks over our heads and tied them to our necks.
That alone is alright but if you flesh it out, you draw the reader in more.
Our captors led back along the dimly lit corridors, the low light making the rusted metal walls seem like they had been smeared in mud. We were shoved roughly through an open doorway, into a huge, open room. Our hoofsteps echoed from the distant walls, adding to the feel of space around us. The stable ponies herded us towards a low stage at one end. With jabs from hooves and weapons, Greenhorn and myself followed them to the center of the stage.
One earth pony motioned to us with a hoof. "Sit."
With no real option but to obey, i sat on the splintery wood. Our captors wore strange smiles as they stared down at us. Without warning, something was dragged over my head. the thick cloth stank of potatoes and cut off the little light i had to see by. Slowly something tightened around my neck, sealing the sack over me and cutting off any hope of slipping free.
I could hear the guards muffled voices through the cloth, not enough to make out what they were saying, but enough to understand the mirth in their tones. Whatever they had planned for us, they were looking forward to it.
Just an example how a little more fleshing out could make this story cool as heck.
Not telling you how to write as i been in the same situation myself. Dont give it up man, you can rock this!
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Thank you! To be totally honest, I really have no experience in writing other than English classes in school and that strategy will help a lot. I realize the pacing is bad, but I have always had trouble with detail and all those small things that everyone loves. As for the "Our captors..." part, you almost wrote exactly what I had in my head. In short, I am bad at writing and your comment was very helpful!
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The description was "adequate"...
3329156 np man. I know how hard it is to take the plunge and get going. It took my GF stabbing me in the spine with a sharpened pencil until i sat at the keyboard to start me writing my own FoE story.