Fade To Black

After a flying accident, Rainbow Dash awakens in the hospital to tragic news. Trying to cope with the aftermath might just be more than she can take...

Chapters (3)

Waking Up · 6th Nov 2013 · 1,631 words
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After The Fall · 6th Nov 2013 · 1,548 words
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Coping · 6th Nov 2013 · 1,031 words
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Comments ( 18 )

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Silvernis

Silvernis #1 · Nov 6th, 2013 · 4 · · Waking Up ·

Psychologically, this isn't bad, but the accident seems more ludicrous than tragic. I don't think even Rainbow Dash would be careless enough to loop into the library like that, especially while carrying another pony. Plus, these ponies are tough. We've seen Rainbow demolish a barn by body-slamming it, and we've seen Applejack jump off a tall platform and survive the drop (Applebuck Season). It would take something considerably more severe than running into the library to put Dash in the hospital and (presumably) kill AJ.

BRBrony9

BRBrony9 #2 · Nov 6th, 2013 · · · Waking Up ·

3451651 Well, something had to happen, and I figured it might as well be that. The whole point of this story will be that Rainbow Dash has to try and live with the fact that it was her carelessness that caused it. As to the physical side of things, well, a not entirely dissimilar, albeit offscreen, accident put her in hospital in Read It And Weep.

Silvernis

Silvernis #3 · Nov 6th, 2013 · · · Waking Up ·

3451663
Well, like I said, the psychology isn't bad—actually, it's quite good. "Character copes with guilt" is a cliched story recipe, but it's still strong nonetheless.

As for the accident in Read It and Weep, I'd argue that Dash was going much faster and lost control in a much more spectacular fashion than she did in this story. I mean, it was so bad that they couldn't even show it. (That also doesn't explain how AJ apparently died from a fall that she should have been able to survive.)

BRBrony9

BRBrony9 #4 · Nov 6th, 2013 · · · Waking Up ·

3451702 Well, in that episode, having just rewatched the crash scene, I have to say I can't even figure out how she hurt her wings at all! Following the eyes of the others watching her, she seems to go up, then down for a mere second before hitting the ground, presumably face first, not on her back. But hey, it's cartoon physics. You can view this story as taking place in a slightly more 'realistic' universe, one where AJ would have broken her neck every time she fell off of that platform!

Madeline L-Equine

Madeline L-Equine #5 · Nov 6th, 2013 · · · Waking Up ·

The prose here is pretty solid, which is always nice. As has already been said, the general concept is one we've seen many times over, but this is only the first chapter. Here's hoping it goes to interesting places.

Corgii

Corgii #6 · Nov 6th, 2013 · · · After The Fall ·

Well shit, I was writing a story just like this, BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD!

BRBrony9

BRBrony9 #7 · Nov 6th, 2013 · · · After The Fall ·

3452917 Oops, my bad! I say carry on writing- there's probably already half a dozen stories like this out there anyway! It would be interesting to see which direction you take yours in, so I look forward to reading it in due course!

Corgii

Corgii #8 · Nov 6th, 2013 · · · After The Fall ·

3452926 Alrighty, I may take a bit of a different approach now though. Good story btw. While the plot has been done alot it was decent nonetheless

KonataIzumi

KonataIzumi #9 · Nov 7th, 2013 · · · Waking Up ·

Ok the story does not seem bad at all.

FluxerCry

FluxerCry #10 · Nov 7th, 2013 · 1 · · Coping ·

Something I think you need to be aware of in a story like this is the 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. You ultimately want to bring your character (in this case, Rainbow Dash) to the final stage (which is acceptance) while letting us experience their emotional journey along the way. In this story Rainbow does experience most of these stages, but not quite the way most of us might expect her to--where's the anger? Rainbow Dash should be angry, lashing out and ultimately digging a little hole for herself. and in a situation like this, bargaining should be almost as prominent as anger! You have a golden oppertunity here to make Rainbow Dash try to make the Apple family forgive her. it would be interesting to watch such a scenario with a character like Rainbow Dash! It's not too late, but I'm dissapointed I haven't seen it so far. You seem to have launched Rainbow straight into a state of depression, which is a common mistake, but it IS a mistake because it leaves us no room to experience Rainbow's other emotions.

Also: happiness. believe it or not, happiness plays a HUGE roll in sadfics. you can't really make a person feel sad without first making them feel a little happy. Shakesphere, the generally accepted god of literature, started every tragedy he wrote as a happy story. what you COULD do here is write snippets of Rainbow's memories, perhaps of her relationship with Applejack. Make us feel the love! Show us why Rainbow's so sad to lose Applejack, instead of telling us that she is.

Otherwise... my main problem with this fic is that it's just a bit too cliche of a concept, with a cliche execution. when you hanker down and read it the writing is good, but you still need a little personality, a little flare. your fic is by no means bad in any way, it just could have been (and can be) much better.

My overall oppinion:

Congratulations, you have commited 0 of the 7 deadly sins of writing MLP fanfiction!

This comment is brought to you by my new Weekly Watch... thing. If you appreciate my feedback then head on over and give it a look. maybe you'll like what I do.

RDash