Hello Twilight. It's been a while cousin. Ah, I see you've got wings now. That's nice, but I think in time you'll come to see them as a curse, more than a blessing, just as I did. Your wondering how I became a alicorn and gained this strange magic? It's quite simple actually. I was born with it. I am a bounty hunter, ruthless and hateful. My name is Star Shine Sparkle. Cousin of Twilight Sparkle, and this, is my story.
Attention haters! I've revised some of the Gary-Stuiest material in the story. Please reread it. Also, I don't see you hating on the Pre-crisis Superman and he destroyed solar systems by sneezing! And if that's not a Gary Stu then there"s no such thing.
Mate you've really got to work on your "Gary Stu's" I've just took a brief look at your last story and you really seem to have trouble staying away from Gary Stu/Over Powered Characters.
So, he's Twilight's Cousin that's already an extreme nope for potential readers, you've just made your OC related to one of the main characters and that's a big no-no, to add to this you've made your OC an Alicorn with "Strange magic" which I'll assume means "Better magic than Twilight's"
To add to this all, he didn't earn any of it, he was just born better than Twilight.
To make matters even worse you're playing the cliche and terrible "It's a curse really!" card which nobody is going to buy.
He's also a Bounty Hunter and a he's Ruthless yet his color scheme and hair scream "I fell out of a bad anime pls love me"
All in all you're character is extremely flat, uninteresting and screams Gary Stu the moment you try to look at him.
I'll give points because you're trying 2000+ words isn't something to just scoff at, but you've really, really got to improve on your character creations. It's hard for well known and accomplished writers to create a character related to a main character.
And to put it bluntly this character is an insult to Twilight's family in so many ways, you've created a character that basically goes "Oh Twilight's special? WELL I'M EVEN MORE POWERFUL THAN HER AND MORE SPECIAL"
How the Hell did I get five dislikes and one like within two minutes of posting this??!!?!
Got rekt. ._.
Quite honestly, just looking at the description makes me go nopnopnope.
Character creation, work on it.
Second. You're entire story so far is dialogue. Including huge blocks of text that most people would not bother to read.
this is the best story I have ever read lol u should write more it made me feel
3500358
>made me feel
Wat.
Sorry, but I am enjoying watching this story get rekt too much. It's 3 AM so obviously something is wrong with me.
I want to see if this thing gets downvoted into oblivion or something.
3500376
It made me feel bro.
Didn't say it was a good feel.
3500403
All of da feels.
It is mutual. I've read enough fics to recognize this type with a glance at the description.
3500256
Well it's quite simple.
This story is garbage.
Few people like garbage.
3500435 Retorical Question!!!!*headbut*
3500435
Blunt.
Fic2trash4u?
3500441
*Rhetorical,
and he didn't even ask a question.EDIT: I looked at more than one comment.
WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP
I do have to say that your OC needs worked on. The wings don't even look separate. It looks like they're stuck together like....like...fuck I don't even know. But it makes me feel like he was one of those people who were born with body parts stuck together. Plus the cutie mark is a really, really, really close resemblance. I would understand if they were like brother and sister. But cousins can't be that similar. Also, no one has better magic than Twilight. (princesses don't count) We both knew it. Your description makes it sound bad already. You are pretty much saying that he's better. Just because he became an alicorn doesn't mean that he's instantly better.
Last but not least. An OC is supposed to be describing the author. An OC is their own personality, colors, language, etc. Its not a wise move to make them related to the mane (my version of "main") six. Really wasn't.
Though I know you probably had higher expectations for this and trust me I've been there. It just didn't work out. I know your probably mad. I wouldn't blame you because I'm probably not helping either. But the best thing to do is just delete it. My suggestion. But only do it if you truly don't see any recovery from it.
Have a good day or night. Keep your chin up and don't let others bring you down.
3500578 Some people write because it's what they like doing, regardless of whether others like it or not.
*cough*Chatoyance*cough*
Okay man. I'm glad you had fun writing this story assuming that's how you got to around 2k+ words.
I know how it feels to be immediately surrounded by "haters" just for making a story that you enjoy. I had this troll once that actually kept with my chapter updates and won't stop talking shit to everyone!
it's sad that some people base the quality of the story just for the 'bad' concept alone, so when I saw the dislikes on this story I started to read it so I can maybe defend you (after having my fun reading the comments of course) but...
ahaha! omg. I'm sorry, I just couldn't read it all...
anyway, this would be a lot more justifiable if it had a whole lot better narration. ill assume you're around 13 years old so I won't expect too much... not that age is a primary factor in fan fic writing mind you.
I haven't laughed like this in days, thanks for uploading this! really enjoyed the feedback - ahem - I mean, be proud of your 'mistakes'! because you get to learn from them!
Uh........huh.
This is worse than me writing my first fanfiction which is now gone. You got alot of things to fix here. Rules are different here. I can't stand your story, I don't understand it. To be honest, you make me press that dislike. Btw, I know you might go to my stories just to dislike it. So face the truth!
Wow. Where to begin?
There needs to be a comma before the name any time a character is directly addressed.
When dialogue is part of a longer sentence, you end the spoken portion with a comma, not a period. Also, as it's a continuation of the sentence, the word "the" would not be capitalized. I can't even speculate as to why "mint" has been capitalized.
There is a difference between "your" and "you're"; learn it.
More unnecessary capitalization.
Not bloodly likely. It's doubtful even the average Equestrian pony would forget such a thing, and your guy is supposed to be some kind of genius.
I assume this is to impress us with how much of a badass he is? I mean, since it doesn't seem to serve any other purpose.
You just name-dropped a bunch of OCs that no one is going to remember or care about, especially since only two of them actually get mentioned after this. And it's not like they get any actual development...
Well, of course they do.
How convenient.
How does he know? It's not like he's been passing the book around to see if anybody can make out what it says on the author's dedication page...
Schooling Twi about magic, droning on about how there's far more to magic than the ponies of Equestria know, and generally pissing on canon are all marks of a Gary Stu, just so you know. I've seen it before.
Well, which is it? And how does this clarify anything? "It's tastier than a doughnut." "Doughnuts? What are they?" "They're a subset of baked goods known as donuts."
This meaninglessness is meaningless in a meaningless fashion, rendering the whole sentence meaningless.
This... this is horrible.
First grievous sin: the main character is related to one of the Mane Six. Unless it's one of their parents, your story is gonna get bombed.
Second grievous sin: alicorn. No. Just no. There are four alicorns, and they are practically demigods. What's more, their power is earned. From what I've gathered, his alicorn-hood fell into his lap.
Third: grammar (or lack thereof). I don't even need to read the story proper to pick up on this, your synopsis would give an English professor an aneurysm.
Fourth sun: God-awful looking OC. MY EYES! IT BURNS! Seriously, did you even look at that abomination? Find colours that complement each other, that actually look nice. And don't use the various pony-creators as actual pictures. Use them for reference and to design them, sure.
Seriously, go back, maybe try a less terrible idea (seriously, this is up there with 'HiE Gary Stu enters Equestria, becomes an alicorn and fucks the Mane Six and the Princesses' for worst fic ideas)
3500605
Hey, let's not bag other authors when we should be helping this guy from becoming a lost cause.
Chat's stories aren't for everyone, but at least they're well-written.
I am not going to write what is wrong, because I would be pretty much repeating what already is written here, its not as bad as it could be, I mean it could be a (human/elf/drow/eldar/ork/tyranid/hollow/tailed beast/ something else that you like) that comes to Equestria to kill everyone, or as someone already said, an Allicorn OC scored with princesses and main six, but still I have to give you a dislike, this is pretty bad.
Shit, I'm feeling nauseous just looking at this.
Pony Creator OC for the cover art? Just wonderful. Wait, did you... did you point your phone or whatever at your monitor and take a photo? Because that sure as hell isn't a screencap.
Christ, I think I might be sick.
3501156
That picture tho.
I could not even finish the whole story... Uh... An alicorn OC? Who is related to Twilight Sparkle? That's just offensive. You mentioned that he was born an alicorn, and used the word 'better' in reference to the being an alicorn. Alicorn =/= Good story character. I'm sure if you worked on your grammar a bit and wrote about something worth reading, your stories would get less hate.
Look at your keyboard. There is a MAGICAL button that reads "prt sc" or "Print Screen" or possibly "prnt scrn". Press it and go in to Paint. Then use the paste function. See what just happened? You took a screenshot of what was on the screen. You didn't have to take a photo, lol.
(Joke) Alt. Title: Gary Stu Infodump: The Story (Or The Totally Better-Then-Twilight's-Story Story Of $#!t Shine, The Alicorn Who Was Better Then Twilight In Every Way Possible And If You Disagree You're A F*#&ing Loser Like Twilight Because She Is A Loser Who Looks Up To Her Much Better Alicorn Brother Star Shine Because He Has Awesome Astral Powers And He Has A Tragic Backstory But Is Also Ruthless And A Bounty Hunter And Did I Mention Twilight Is A Loser, Because She Is A Loser And I Have An Equation To Prove It, But I'm Getting Off Topic, Anyways, Star Shine Is Better Then Twilight In Every Way And Should Be Canon Because He Is Better Then Her And So Is His Wife, Leaf Beef, And Humans Are Apart Of Equestria, I Know It, Because Mages Exisit, Also, Speaking Of Humans, Twilight Is, Like, The Worst Princess Ever Because She's Bossy And Stuff And I Like Animes)
...Y'know, the only thing that can be said about it is: "You think you're powerful, Twilight? WELL I'M MORE POWERFUL THEN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE!"... And he then ends up dating Celesita for some reason, but his "wife" is OK with it because Star Shine's that awesome and can do whatever he wants, especially since he's part of a dark prophecy that states that not only is he the only one who can save the world from [insert villain here], but he's also the ultimate Alicorn because he was a goth-emo-kawaii-otaku human who had weird color changing hair and was relentlessly bullied for that and being a Brony and committed suicide because he was bullied and, by the end of the story, has turned all of Equestria into his personal harem and has a billion Alicorn babies with Laren Faust... The point is, this story kinda sucks.
There are several things I would point out, but I'm just gonna list a few.
I suggest making his color scheme less......crazy. Make him look like a pony, not a mess of random colors. And don't make him an alicorn. A unicorn would have worked, maybe a pegasus, but definitely not an alicorn. People are going to go bonkers over that, which I've seen in a few comments already.
It's good that you like what you're writing, but it could use some improvement.
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/I_fad97c_231736.jpg
My Texas Instruments TI-84 PLUS wants you to know that EVERY GODDAMN EQUATION WITH THREE DIFFERENT NUMBERS AND ADDITION CAN BE WRITTEN LIKE THIS! Jeez...
I read the entire chapter, and I feel like beating your OC to death with a baby seal...
Try googling "Mary Sue test" and take one that appears. You'll notice that your OC, to be honest, is a Mary Sue of the highest level.
Oh wow... Let me tell you the honest truth here: this isn't working.
Here's the thing, when writing a story centering about an OC, you must make your audience care about them somehow. I'm not saying give them a terrible backstory that is a bigger sob story than Aurore, l'enfant martyre. I'm saying, through actions and challenging trials, have us like your OC. Don't tell us to like your OC, make us. Don't just infodump everything on your reader, have them discover things gradually. It's a complex writing process, but that's what you need.
That, was however, in general. Remember that you must make the audience care about your character, but chances are, anyone on this website is a brony. We already like the characters from the show. I care a truckload more about Twilight than your Star, I don't like reading about a condescending asshole talking her down. There's nothing about this to make me root for your character. Why? Why do you think people will like reading about Star one-upping Twilight?
That's the last thing I want you to think about. Why? Ask yourself, why should people like my OC? Because he's a total badass? We apparently heard that, but we don't see it, so it just comes off as annoying bragging. Even if it was true, it will just make things boring. Who wants to read an endless series conflictless curp-stomb battles? It might be fun for you as the author, but that's just a power fantasy. Seriously, find what is likeable about your OC and introduce him in a meaningful manner.
Good luck.
Why is it that you wrote about five sixths of this story with the italics on? It seems as if you looked at a small part of the story in italics, stepped back, liked the look of it and then decided to write the rest of the story in italics, without changing the non-italic words. Italics just don't work as a way to structure a story. Also, did you really think that this story had a worthwhile plot and would be a satisfying read? To be honest, I wrote better than this when I first started writing and I was twelve then. I only read about a third of this and then stopped, mostly because it was just so badly written.
Personally, if I read all of this I thought this would happen to me.
stream1.gifsoup.com/view5/3019573/indiana-jones-face-melt-o.gif
I couldn't resist taking a look at this when I saw it getting downvoted into oblivion, and I have to say, I don't regret it at all. This is like the Troll 2 of fanfiction. It's almost glorious in its wretchedness. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at anything that was actually intended to be funny.
Still downvoting, of course, but I really am glad I read this.
The story deserves a down vote.
The comments, however, deserve an upvote. Good job!
-Lumino
3501048
Oh no, he's got the suds!
stream1.gifsoup.com/view5/3340651/the-suds-o.gif
Here, allow me to post everything that is wrong with your fic:
That is all. Equestria is ours.
Star Shine Sparkle best pony.
Not really. Dude, write something that doesn't suck. The quality of the writing isn't completely trash, but this premise is terrible.
I am loving and tolerating the shit out of this story.
...between shots of brain bleach.
I have never disliked a story before. I have read mindless drivel, and I have read things that made me vomit, but I cut those authors some slack because they legitimately tried. I have never done this before, but when I'm done with this comment I will be hitting the dislike button for the first time. You should feel terrible for making me do that.
This story was terrible, it had no plot, it had nothing to it. It was a random collection of text. You need to delete it, and try again.
it's beautiful
3500804 there is a difference between "readable" and "well-written".
piclair.com/data/o072p.jpg
Ha ha ha no.
You have successfully broken all forms of canon. Congratulations! Your prize is my utter hatred.
Worst story 2014 anyone?
I think this guy deserves it.
No words.
This story is a mess. Not only is there virtually no semblance of any plot, your main character himself also leaves much to be desired. He is an overpowered alicorn, and a Gary-Stu to boot. I'm sorry, but characters like him just aren't interesting in the slightest. In all honesty, this story could use an entire revision, preferably within your length, main character and plot department.
It's at times like these where I feel like my attempts at writing "comedy" fics back in my early days weren't so bad.
At least, when compared to this thing you call a story.
Seriously, what the fuck, mate.
I'll just say this, your story deserves an award.
A Golden Dumpster Award, that is.Linky .
3502506
Well-written from a technical standpoint.
3502805
I just joined the group, and I was about to ask how one would go about making nominations...
3502808 ah, yes. I will agree there, I was perfectly able to read every single line of insipid drivil that are her fics
3503878
Her stuff falls into 'love it or hate it'.
I guess you're of the 'hate it' party.
ANYWAY, enough bashing other authors. Let's bash this author in the hope we can knock some sense through his dense skull about everything he's done wrong with this fic.
3503909
And that's why I wrote a parody of this story today, called Star Shine "The Mint" Sparkle: The Rise Of An Awesome Alicorn (Who's Better Then Twilight). It hasn't been moderated yet (as far as I can tell), but, when it does... It'll do something, maybe.
3500578 About the OC part... WRONG! What you are describing is a PonySONA. Now, don't get me wrong: any sona is an OC; but just because all Ponysonas are OCs doesn't mean all OCs are Ponysonas. I have about... two dozen pony OCs, give or take. That doesn't mean I have two dozen different 'me's running around. OC only means Original Character.
Then again, a gary-stu isn't ORIGINAL, so I guess that's debatable.