Hello! Just a nobody writer trying to show my love for the show and the fandom!
Follow Shadow Flash as he begins his journey to become an assassin. He will test the strength of the bond with his best friend, his relationship with his marefriend, and his mentality, as he loses those dear to him, and discovers secrets of old friends.
Will he prove to be a worthy adversary of the Assassins, or will he meet his doom?
Assassin's Creed is created and owned by Ubisoft. I take no possession upon any elements of Assassin's Creed and the Assassin's Creed universe.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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May I suggest something to vastly improve this story?
3549506
Is it fire? I bet it's fire. Sweet, cleansing fire...
3549666 Well, fire is one way...
I was actually going to suggest proof reading it before submitting it. Lightly skimming the text reveals far more basic grammar errors than I would expect to find in a nine-year old's English homework.
50/50 on this being a trollfic. Anyway, time to be a critic
"We love you, be good while we're gone." says mom.
"Love you too, mom. Don't worry I've got this under control." I said, dad smirks at this.
>>Ok, I guess this is an introduction, but I’m confused. What’s happening?
"That's what I'm worried about." he says.
"Do you not trust the greatest Pegasus known: The Shadow Flash?" I say with a very bold smile on my face.
"No, actually, but we obviously have nopony else to turn to." he says partially laughing.
>> I feel ‘small chuckle’ or something of a similar style would sound more natural.
"Well, looks like I'm going to have to do something about that!" I yell smiling.
"Ok, well be good Shadow." he says.
"Absolutely, father," I say getting down on one knee and bowing to him "anything for the king.
>>So, he’s a prince and an assassin. Hmm…
"Ok, have fun while we're gone, and remember, not too friends over at one time." he says as I'm heading down the hallway to my room quickly.
"Ok, bye!" I say bit too enthusiastically but don't bother to turn around and see if he noticed.
I walk into my room that has its walls covered in posters of the Wonderbolts and photos of my friends and I doing various things like flying, racing, playing at the park, etc. etc., I put on my sweater that my parents brought me from their last trip. I then walk over to my desk, pick up my backpack full of supplies and odds & ends "we" may need. I reach under my desk and feel the underside until I find the button and push it, my room now begins to vibrate lightly and a whirring sound is heard. All of a sudden a small passageway appears in the wall near the end of my bed. I walk over, still holding my backpack, and lie down, rear legs first, on my back and set my backpack on my torso. I look to my right, hit the #1 destination button and the platform my feet were pressed against slides up and I slide.
>>I’d lose the quotation marks around we. It… Looks awkward. Also, I have no damn clue what happened just then. He slid somewhere? That last sentence really confused me.
I appear in Scootaloo's backyard, well in our fort that we made that is. "Hey Flashy, I missed you." I turn around to see Scootaloo's already here.
>> You… Made a fort? Like, a box fort? Of Cardboard boxes? Or a fortified castle? That seems like a big deal. Wouldn’t people question why Scoots gets a fort? I am. Why DID she get a fort?
"Oh, hello beautiful." I say. We start to walk to one another and embrace one another and we peck each other. I then look at her apologetically "I'm sorry, Scootaloo, I've been caught up in getting ready for this night..." I say breaking off rather sadly.
"Is... everything ok Shadow?" she asks curiously.
"It's just... do you actually want to go with me Scootaloo... I don't want you to have to go if you don't want to." I say this meaningfully because I meant every bit of it.
"Of course, Shadow, why wouldn't I?" she says with even more curiosity than before.
"Because... I don't know how long we'll be gone." I say.
"Time is nothing to me if I'm helping you, Flashy."
>>Overly devoted girlfriend, awkward conversation and a sex tag. So I’m guessing Shadow will be ‘Hiding his blade’ in Scoots fairly soon.
By that, I mean He’ll fuck her. If there was any confusion.
"Not dropping in at a bad time am I?" I kind of freak out for second but then realize it's just Soarin, he's older and bigger than me but Scootaloo's always had a thing for me and I'm still the leader(at least he respects that).
>>Why are you leader? He’s older and bigger, you just said? Are you smarter? Is it because you’re royalty? If this is a covert thing wouldn’t being royalty make you recognisable, and thus LESS suited to be leading stealthy missions? So why?
"Soarin, my man, what's goin' on?" I say surprised about how quietly he showed up.
"Oh nothin' really, just the usual... anyways, are we ready to go or not?!" he says obviously slightly impatient.
"Of course, let's get going!"
We were galloping as fast we could then Soarin yelled something like "Wait!"
"What's wrong, Soarin?" I say, thinking he may have had a change in mind.
"How do you know which way to go?" he says curiously.
"Because I have followed them quite a few times already and know which way they take every time and if we keep moving we'll catch up with them before they get past as far as I've seen and I know we'll catch up because they walk every time." I say, slightly annoyed.
>> So, a leader that gets annoyed with his subordinates for asking questions that are fair and obviously would not know the answer because he didn’t tell them vital information. So, not the leader for being wise. Why are you leader?
"Oh, ok, I understand now... that's why you couldn't come to meetings, ok." he said obviously understanding finally.
"Yeah, now if we could, please." I say, still slightly annoyed.
>> This isn’t an excuse for withholding info. Just because he doesn’t make the meetings doesn’t mean he can’t explain simple information. You’ve time to flirt awkwardly with Scoots, You’ve time to pass vital info onto team members.
"Of course!" and off we went.
I begin to slow to a bit of trot and signal to get in the trees and hop the rest of the way through the trees. Soarin runs across the street to get in the trees, then Scootaloo and I jump into the trees on the right side of the street. We all see my parents already, we are probably fifty yards and counting away from my parents. All three of us move quietly through the trees getting ever so closer every tree branch we jump to. "How you holding up, beautiful?" I say between breaths.
"Good, Flashy, just fine." she says between breaths as well.
"You positive?" I say worriedly.
"Yes, don't worry, Flashy." her voice calming me quite highly.
"Ok, but if you get tired let me know so I can tell Soarin to take a break too, alright?" I say commandingly.
>> "Yes, don't worry, Flashy." her voice calming me quite highly. Wouls sound better as: "Yes, don't worry, Flashy." She reassured me. Calmingly highly sounds..awkward. Also, you don’t command someone to be vocal about break timnes. You’re trying to well, reassure her. Say the damn thing ‘gently’ or in a concerned tone. Anything but command.
"Absolutely, Flashy." she says.
"Ok, I need a break now, Flashy" Scootaloo says as we're just a few yards closer than thirty yards away from my parents.
>> Yeah, I would have just cut "Absolutely, Flashy." she says. And just get on with the ‘I Need a break’. Looks awkward.
"Ok." I say, looking across the street, I notice we're a little ahead of Soarin. I cup my hands around my mouth and whistle to Soarin, spin my hoof two times and motion to crouch and rest for a few minutes, he gives nothing but a nod.
"Shadow Flash..." says Scootaloo.
"Yes, beautiful?" I ask.
"Do you love me?" she asks, my mind just goes blank at this question.
"D-do I love y-you? Of course I d-do, w-why wouldn't I?" I barely stutter out, turning around to look at her.
"Because I've seen the ways you look at the other fillies: all drooling away and what not." She says, I'm immediately feeling guilty about this.
"I-I'm sorry... is there anything and I mean anything, I can do for you to forgive me?" I say, hoping she might not be too harsh with my punishment.
"Yes, as a matter of fact, there is something you can do!" she says with a sly grin.
"Will it cause me to be hurt, in any way?" I say, rather shakily.
"No, no, absolutely not," she says with that sly grin still on her muzzle "All you have to do is lie back on a tree limb and let me give you your punishment." she says, with a little bit of a seductive look.
"Oh no." is all I can say.
>>So yeah, he’s going to hide his blade (Throbbing stallion cock) in Scoots ‘assassin’s hideout’ (mouth).
I’d really rather he didn’t.
Ok, so don't get on my back about this chapter, this is my very first finished fanfic chapter. I will make sure to add more chapters, but I've still got some drawing orders to complete, I've got Thanksgiving this week and I've also got school to focus on so I'll get done what I can. Hope you fellow Bronies and Pegasisters liked it!
Also, for anybody wondering, I am the creator of Shadow Flash and he is my creation and my creation alone.
>> Well, I guess I got on your back, but first real story is no excuse.
Oh, and no-one wants to use Shadow. Don’t worry about it.
3549870
Ok, so I get what you're saying about everything but, if you read the long description you'll see that Shadow Flash's parents are going on one of their "trips"(meaning going out to find info for their mission) so he's staying home, well at least they think so, and he's not royalty he's just messing around also Shadow isn't an assassin yet, this is like an assassin's creed II look. One thing important that'll help explain a lot: Scoots, Flash, and Soarin are kinda like the CMC. Another thing: I'll have to put in is Flash and Scoots asking Soarin why he actually didn't want to be leader.
But with leaders, yeah I know it's good to ask questions, but why question your leaders descision
3549870
Sorry it post it...
Um...
Why should you question your leaders judgement, especially when you're so eager to leave and begin your mission(not sure if you remember, Soarin wanted to leave right away he didn't bother to ask about info) so Shadow Flash had every right to be slightly annoyed and if you notice you'll see that I put down that he was only slightly annoyed.
And also I guess I didn't put a space between "absolutely, Flashy." And "Ok, I need a break now, Fashy"... Sorry
Also for the ending lets just say that was(SPOILER ALERT) troll.
Oops also forgot to put this in earlier: when he pushes the button to his right then slides, he's on a slide, also Soarin has one too, that's why Shadow Flash was surprised he came in so quietly.
Anyways... After this long criticism comment, I'd like to thank you for your feedback
P.S. their was no actual sex or gore in this chapter but, don't worry I'll bring in "the big guns" next time, but I was wondering if we could P.M. each other about my next chapter... Anyways, once again: thank you!
3549710
Hm that's interesting especially since I went through the story soooooo many times.
YEAH another assasins creed fic
i got to say it got my attention and its looking interesting, hope to see more of it
Ok discolored the first thing that I would like to say is that this needs so many spelling and grammer errors fixed that its not even funny. Another would be that this needs to be vastly revised with a lot more detail and explanation. though you have stated that this is your first mlp fanfic I will give you a chance and if you end up seeing this I would like you to contact my brother so that you may ask me any questions that you have. you know who he is you see him every day.
LOL
Wolfoftheabyss5 OUT
'(o.0)'