A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Pageant
by D. G. D. Davidson
V. Serious Business
“I’ll go talk to her,” Lyra said. “If I just explain—”
“No,” I said, “I’ll go talk to her.”
I marched toward the door, but Lyra quickly leapt in front of me. “Jack—”
“Lyra—”
“You don’t know her like I do, Jack. I can explain—”
I bent down so I could look her in the eyes. “No you can’t.” Thrusting a thumb at my chest, I added, “I can. And I can also give her a piece of my mind, because, quite frankly, I am sick of walking on eggshells around her.”
“Doing what? Why are you stepping on eggs?”
“It’s an expression.”
“Can’t you see that you two just misunderstand each other? If you let me—”
I waved a hand at the other ponies. “They don’t get on my case because I don’t understand Equestrian culture. Only Carrot Top does! This is between me and her, and I say it’s time we had it out.”
Lyra’s eyelids narrowed and her ears tipped back. Through clenched teeth, she hissed, “Maybe she’s too hard on you, Jack, but she’s right about one thing: you are an insensitive clod!”
“Yeah? Well, you’re a . . . a horse. So there.”
“Ooh, my feelings are sooo hurt! At least I’m not an ugly, scrawny ape. So there!”
“Yeah? Well, at least I’m not green!”
“Says the guy in a dress.”
“It’s a cassock, and have I told you that it looks gross when you don’t clip your ear hair?”
“I grew it out to match the hair in your nostrils.”
“Fine!”
“Fine!”
“That’s great,” said Berry Punch. “Now kiss.”
I realized that my nose was only an inch from Lyra’s muzzle. We looked over at the others, who huddled together in a group and stared at us. Berry Punch had a wide grin on her face.
“Berry,” Lyra and I both said at once, “shut up.”
I straightened, swept my hands down the front of my cassock, stepped around Lyra, and marched out the door. “You can be so frustrating, Jack!” Lyra yelled from behind me.
Carrot Top hadn’t made it very far. I found her slinking down the hallway like a fugitive.
“Hold up, Carrots,” I said.
“I don’t want to talk to you, Jack!”
“You’re gonna do it anyway.”
She paused near a potted fern. She didn’t turn my way, but she didn’t run from me, either.
I threw myself down on the floor beside her and said, “Sit.”
Wordlessly, but with her back still toward me, she sidled toward the wall and lowered her haunches to the floor.
“I know what you want to say,” she said.
“Do you? I come from a different world. Maybe you haven’t got a clue how I think.”
Her shoulders slumped. “You’re not really all that different—”
“And that’s what upsets you. If I were more outlandish, you could pass off everything that rankles you as a peculiarity of my race, because it’s easy to be ‘tolerant’ of exotic people. Your neighbors are the ones who really test your patience.”
She finally turned her face to me. Her brow was furrowed, but her expression bespoke more of sorrow than frustration. “Jack, I only came here because I was worried about Lyra, and because I didn’t want your disgusting behavior to infect my friends. But I realize now that I can’t control you, and I can’t control them, either. It’s best if I just leave.”
“Don’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I need you here.”
She bit her lip, and the furrows in her forehead grew deeper.
“I don’t mean I need you in the pageant.” I tilted my head back toward the rec room. “I have enough actresses already. I mean I need you because you alone, out of this particular group, really care about Equestrian sensibilities. Lyra puts up with me. Bon Bon dislikes me no matter what. I’m not sure Derpy even knows what’s going on. Berry Punch is as bad as I am. And Time Turner and Minuette can stoically take any indignity except time-wasting. You’re the only one here who can teach me how to act like a proper pony.” I reached a hand toward her. “So help me out.”
She shook her head. “I really do not understand you.”
“Then let me explain.” I rubbed my fingers through my hair, cleared my throat, and said, “Carrot Top, I am well aware that I’m a jerk. You’re not revealing anything new to me there. The truth is, I only became a Catholic in the first place because I knew it was the one thing that would most irritate my parents. But I didn’t stay that way. I changed. I wasn’t sincere then, but I am now.”
As it always did when I was nervous, my Roman collar felt tight, and I could feel my pulse beating against it. I tugged at it, trying to pull it away from my throat. “And the truth is, I used to hate ponies—well, no, that’s not true. I was afraid of ponies. I was afraid of most anything with four legs and fur. But I changed. I’m not afraid anymore, and I care about the ponies, and that’s why I’m still here.”
I tapped my fingers on the floor for a moment. “And I didn’t want to come to Equestria. I hated the place, and I never imagined I’d accept a permanent placement here. I only came to get away from trouble back home, and I always figured I’d turn Bishop Van de Velde down eventually and go back to my old diocese later. Good gravy, coming to this place felt like getting strapped to a gurney and injected with estrogen—”
“Jack.”
“Sorry. What I mean is, I changed. I love it here now, and I want to stay. Do you understand what I’m saying? I may be a jerk, Carrot Top, but I can change. Don’t run out on me.”
After a moment, Carrot Top got to her feet, walked toward me, and sniffed my nose. “You haven’t changed at all, Jack.”
“But—”
“You are very good at telling stories. I suspect you even believe them. But you aren’t still here because you care about ponies or because you love Equestria.”
“But—”
“You’re here for Lyra.”
I opened my mouth, but could find nothing to say, so I closed it again.
“Everypony has a destiny, Jack, and everypony has to discover that destiny for herself. You need to discover yours—”
“I don’t have a cutie mark, Carrot Top, and, so help me, I will raise my cassock and drop my pants to prove it if I have to.”
I thought that would turn her red again and shut her up, but she merely shook her head. “Jack, nopony has a cutie mark except a pony. Cows don’t have them, elves don’t have them, goats don’t have them. But they still have destinies, and so do you. Don’t you have a word for that in this club of yours?”
I looked away from her and nodded. “Vocation.” I didn’t mean it to sound harsh, but the word came out like a curse.
“You need to figure out your vocation, Jack. This thing you’re doing, if you’re only doing it so you can stay here with Lyra—”
“I’m not.”
“Are you sure? What happens if you decide you don’t want to be one of these priests?”
I wrapped my arms around my knees and stared at the marble floor. “I . . . well, they send me home. I mean, I don’t have any skills to market here. About the only people Celestia lets in permanently are missionaries and farriers, so—”
She put a hoof to my shoulder. “Jack, if Lyra is the only reason you’re doing this, then, hard as it might be, you need to go home. If this isn’t your destiny, it will make you miserable for the rest of your life.”
I felt one side of my mouth turn upward in a smile. “You sound like Sire August.”
“August Vision is a wise pony. Eccentric, maybe, but wise. If I were you, I’d listen to him.” She turned from me and walked to the door. “Goodbye, Jack. I know I am not easy to get along with sometimes, so I appreciate you for coming after me and trying to make amends.”
“One question before you go, Carrot Top.”
With a hoof on the doorknob, she stopped and looked over her shoulder at me.
“Why did you take Derpy in?”
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and smiled. “You are not the first to ask that. Several ponies have asked, so humans aren’t the only ones who don’t understand me. It’s simply this: Derpy needed help, and that ought to be enough. When somepony needs help, when somepony needs a leg up, you give it. That’s the decent thing to do.”
From where I sat on the floor, with my knees tucked under one arm, I again reached out to her.
For half a minute, she stared at my outstretched hand. “Oh . . . oh, Celestia blast it.”
“Help,” I said.
“Yes, I get it, Jack. Yes, I’ll stay.” She chewed her lower lip for a moment before adding, “How did you do that?”
“Easy. I am many things, Carrot Top. And one of them is a low-down, self-serving, manipulative son of a bitch.”
I was listening to Gloria in D Major - Et In Terra Pax while I read this. It really added to the mood.
Yeah, this, yeah....
Great story and all, but I have a feeling that the larger story to this whole little world you're building will be even better.
This kind of protagonist sounds very familiar, and I got the feeling Jack started to chance when he met Lyra. As you said "Love change a guy" I like your definition of romance
But in this case how will Jack focus this positive feeling? Will he use his love for Lyra as a motor to teach ponies the true about Christianity? Or Will he love Lyra in a passionate way?
This remember me the medieval knights' tales.
Makes me wonder what sort of Elves they have in Equestria.
I'm also really curious about how the diplomacy works between Earth and Equestria if missionaries and farriers are (about) the only humans that get to stick around permanently.
They got Elves?
And i would really like to see more reactions to human culture from the ponies.
I find it hilarious that Celestia limits the flow on humans so severely.... but they have skills at the beauty salon? Sign them up!
The first impression that I got was that Carrot Top was mistaken about Jack having feelings towards Lyra, and Jack wasn't doing much to fight it since it would be easier to get Carrot to go along with his plans. I thought that this was another cultural quirk of ponies; whereas we humans/Americans might often accuse some dude putting forth a tremendous effort that "you're just trying to bed her," what ponies initially suspect is "You are legitimately in love with this person and you're trying to win their heart." This would, in some ways, go along with your world building from your post "The Moste Tragick Historie of Apple Tart and Celery," which flips things around and had ponies portraying platonic relations as bold, daring and rare.
But are seriously going to take the route of legitimate romance? I'm hoping not, since his dialogue preceding it was some large, competent, and positive character development for Jack, which I had found lacking up until this point. Proving Carrot Top right in saying it's insincere refutes it to an uncertain agree, which leaves me adrift.
Not a single--not a single, I tell you--not a single Human-in-Equestria fic can ever be fully devoid of interspecies romance themes. Ever. No matter who writes it. No matter what it's about. Fundamental physical law.
And this is for the guy who keeps upvoting my comments: Just who are you?
3635084
Well Dressed (and a gentleman) that's who.
3634859, 3635084
Look at you guys leaping to conclusions, Mister Leapy McLeaperson. Carrot Top nowhere says that Jack is romantically interested in Lyra. Berry Punch is the shipper on deck for this little venture.
Wow, do we really never assume a guy is genuinely in love? Have we actually become that base?
I think it clear from canon that ponies certainly see nothing unusual in friendship.
Although many assume that ponies began practicing monogamy immediately after Magog the Mighty delivered the Ordinances, the transition was in fact gradual. Apple Tart and Celery lived during that transition, when monogamous marriage was widely practiced, but the idea of a purely platonic relationship between mares and stallions was still viewed as a novelty. But when the present story takes place, that is in the distant past.
This is REALLY interesting! As a pretty devout Catholic myself, I was a little nervous coming in--after all, pony fans and religion generally don't mix well. But this is really cool. I love your worldbuilding, and the way the ponies react to Christianity. Definitely gonna be reading onwards.
Jack irked me a little bit at first, but I really like his claim that his faith (at least, that's what I'm assuming he's referring to) is now sincere. At risk of becoming preachy, I'd love for Jack to show a little more of his devout side. So far, this chapter seems like the only place that it's come up.
Also, just puttin' it out there, I don't want Jack and Lyra to get together. Sorry, Berry.
3639273
Yeah, I admit Celestia is Hobbes´ idealized monarch.
3595401 Have you never tasted Christmas itself? Have you not succumbed to sheer ecstasy? Have you never felt the true meaning of Christmas course through your veins?
Wait, wait, wait. Is that it? I got a story to judge man I can't do that if it ain't done!
It would be heartless not to feel a tug at me ol' rusty heartstrings reading this story. It's adorable — rightly so — that this story seems to shape up to discuss about heart-warming affection instead of base affection.
Now I can only keep my fingers crossed to see how you go about exploring this in your next instalment. I wonder, if there'll be any confrontation of that particular nature, how their differences will play out for them.
Not that I'm soughing or expressing anything plaintive of that sort. But I find it perplexing that he doesn't fall into a hissing fit about their mulish sensitivity regarding certain sides of everyday life and topping it by leaving him hanging to figure things out by himself. If they could just tell him some certain things would be avoided. I would love see him burst out in anger and remonstrate that they're being testing on him; which would give them an opening to vent issues with him. Sure I understand that keeping certain things progressing over a larger period of time is fine use when building tension. Although, when it's errr... minor social niceties it is perhaps funnier to see them being pushed on. Seeing that they're friends and well-knowns I would bet that their blether are more unfettered then usually — not that I failed to see that this might be as liberal they dare to be and certain things are only spoken within the confidence by the must trusted friend or family.
Why I'm a having this feeling that I'm reading an account on Edwardian social etiquettes every now and then? Not complaining but the fact that I, through some mystical induction, can't shoo away that feeling might own merit; or am I just confused?
PS: What's eggnog?
3645739
The story grew in the telling until it was longer than the allowable length for the contest, and it is at present still unfinished. You may reject it as ineligible, judge only the first three chapters, or otherwise do what seems best to you.
3647537
The worldbuilding here is based on the premise that what the writers in the franchise cannot refer to directly in fact reflects the actual social mores of the ponies.
I have not studied Edwardian etiquette and so cannot say if this reflects it or not.
My first rules of worldbuilding are that the official materials (show, comics, picture book, chapbooks) all depict the same world, and that this world comes to us unfiltered.
3648158 Nah, I'll judge it.
PROS
1.) Overall, it was a great, and I mean great story. It flowed very well and was one of the better crossover fics in my opinion. Not like some of these flops I see in the featured box. You definitly deserved that place on EQD.
2.) I loved the fact that the characters didn't fall into the normal steryotype like Lyra+Bon Bon, and "doctor whooves" That annoyed me after a while of hearing all that $#!+ repeated over and over again. You also went into percision detail in "everyday" life, which I found very interesting, creating something completley new (or at least to me) and... and Honestly I can't think of words to describe how much I liked this.
3.) Unlike the other fics, (no offense meant to the other authors) you seemed to be the most prepared, and have the best storyline, describing characters in detail, and expressing emotions quite nicely.
(now for the "bad" stuff)
CONS
1.) Probably the most obvious was that it was not complete, but seeing that the contest restrictions limited you to a certain number of chapters (I didn't read the rules that thouroughly) but that still presents a problem for me like the itch you can't scratch, or the fly you can't swat.
2.) I didn't however too much like the fact that humans were trying to "force" religion on the ponies. It just didn't seem right to me. I felt like I was rolled in mud. Like the pony crucifix... Okay maybe I went a little to deep into this story.
3.) Just like some of the other stories, I'm running out of bad things to say. I guess that it was a bit addicting? God I'm terrible at this.
Anyways, here's your score out of ten- 9/10
Congrats, for having the highest score.... so far I would like you to continue a lot when you get some time please?
3649014
There's no forcing involved. The only method used is persuasion. You'll notice Jack isn't exactly harassing his pony friends with it.
3649360 I was talking about the humans in general. Jack was pretty cool about it, but Roman Catholic really ain't my cup of tea so don't be offended or discouraged.
3648176
Sound approach to worldbuilding. It's nice to see that you're spending time on this. Many don't or believe unnecessary to do so; I find it to be a mark that the author knows what he's or she's doing.
Basic Edwardian etiquette about base nature:
Don't mention the base things. Simple. If you have to, then do so by covering it up by referring to it in the distant way possible but not so it becomes indecipherable; doing so would mostly be seen as unwashed behaviour since your drawing unnecessary attention to 'it'. Also, you're interrupting the social quietism — ease — by being jarring to the gentlefolk or your guests.
Sex is a no-no to mention outside family or very good friends; "good friends", in this case, would mean male friends as women were deemed to frail to handle such complicated matters. As politics, too, were thought to be above the minds of women. Did I mention that their overbearing patriarchal dogmas pretty much relegated women to care for the household and childrearing?
There's a profuse of bla-bla to bring up about that eras etiquettes regarding sex and the, so called, "burdens of nature". What I can say is that Victorian and Edwardian eras etiquettes merges together as Edwardian etiquette builds upon those from the Victorian era, to a point.
I want to make you aware that I've not refreshed my memory for many years regarding this subject. It may be a bit rusty so please do a check about the facts in this text. That is, if you feel the urge get down with a mite of chauvinism about our progressive society because, hell, I'm really happy we don't live in those times.
3672811
Ah, wish I'd thought of that! It was just a throwaway joke, but still, opportunity missed.
I regret not reading this earlier, because it is fantastic. And it has best pony as the mother of God, so I can't help but like it.
I love the characterizations of the ponies and humans alike, and much like Brad's misadventures, Jack's interactions with markedly equine ponies are a refreshingly delightful novelty in a sea of stories starring different species with identical psychologies. Plus, there's the sheer humor value of trying to translate Christianity for a culture that considers both major events are taboo and has no concept of religion to boot. It'll fascinating to see what comes of the first pony with a cross for a cutie mark...
In any case, eagerly looking forward to more. Especially if Berry Punch is introduced to the wonders of true eggnog.
3649360
Have the ponies some concept of afterlife, like the "Green Pastures" or something? After all, the whole point of religion is the belief in an immortal essence or soul.
3704056 Wrong, Buddhists don't believe in an immortal soul.