I spotted a mistake near the beginning. "Pinkie's eyes began to waiver." One signs a waiver. I think you meant "waver". Other than that, however, I like what I see so far, so I'm upvoting this and will continue to read the rest.
3908229 I'm done now (huzzah for easy homework!) so I'll get to work on the first chapter. Errors/typos are in bold.
“The guards say it was probably late last night,” Pinkie reply evenly.
I believe you mean 'replied.'
Turning her head as she passed the Alicorn, she replied, “don’t worry. It was no one you knew. You coming?”
First off, I love this line. It really gives a feel to how the murders are getting to ponies. Anyway, "don't" should be capitalized because it is the start of Pinkie's line. Although, this is one of the grammar issues I'm not 100% sure about, so if you think it goes the way you have it, feel free to leave it as it is.
Please forgive me my disrespect
"Me my"? Oops! Of course, this could have been a purposeful mistake to represent Twilight's rush to get to the scene. If that is the case, I suggest simply crossing out the me.
“Yeah I definitely picked up on something,” She spoke slowly as her smile grew slightly, “I’m going to need...” She paused thoughtfully, “some time to make sense of it though.”
Nice alliteration. The first 'she' should not be capitalized. 'Slightly' does not need a comma after it as it is the end of a thought. The last part I'm not sure about, but I personally would lowercase the second she as well. I feel like it would make it flow better.
I regret not deferring to you on this earlier.
According to Google, defer means "put off (an action or event) to a later time; postpone." I feel like that is not what you intended to say.
You scared the life out of me,”
This one is mostly personal opinion. In this story, I find it unlikely that anyone would say something like this. Perhaps 'scared [Twilight's] feathers off' would work better?
Pinkies eyes did not follow her
"Pinkie's," with the apostrophe. The eyes belong to Pinkie, so 's is used to represent possession.
That's it for this chapter. If you have any questions feel free to ask, also feel free to argue any and all points. Most of all, feel free to completely ignore everything I just wrote and do whatever you want. This is your story not mine, so by all means, disregard everything.
I will do chapter two when I have time, although I did enjoy this so I will probably try to fit it in tomorrow. Best of luck to you in your future endeavors. (I would end this with a pinkiehappy, but considering the end of this chapter, I feel that would not end well.)
if you are reading this looking for spoilers, read the story first. spoilers will rot your teeth
holy sweet baby jesus, i expected a cupcakes but that bit at the end there froze the blood in my veins. bravo good sir. it's been a long time since something i read actually scared me.
Huh, y'know I'm gonna be honest, I actually thought Pinkie Pie might have been the killer, but that would have been to obvious would it? Ya it was way to obvious to be likely.
Oh my God, that's intense. Please continue!
yeah I agree, that's pretty powerful writing
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Thanks guys! Horror is tough to write, I'm glad you are enjoying my attempt. Ill try and keep it interesting!
Is this supposed to be a prequel to Cupcakes or something? Because I'm getting powerful Cupcakes vibes.
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Nope this is a stand alone.
I haven't actually read Cupcakes lol
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Considering Pinkie dies at the end of the first chapter, most likely not.
NO PINKIE!!!!!!!
I spotted a mistake near the beginning.
"Pinkie's eyes began to waiver."
One signs a waiver. I think you meant "waver".
Other than that, however, I like what I see so far, so I'm upvoting this and will continue to read the rest.
3908229 I'm done now (huzzah for easy homework!) so I'll get to work on the first chapter. Errors/typos are in bold.
I believe you mean 'replied.'
First off, I love this line. It really gives a feel to how the murders are getting to ponies. Anyway, "don't" should be capitalized because it is the start of Pinkie's line. Although, this is one of the grammar issues I'm not 100% sure about, so if you think it goes the way you have it, feel free to leave it as it is.
"Me my"? Oops! Of course, this could have been a purposeful mistake to represent Twilight's rush to get to the scene. If that is the case, I suggest simply crossing out the me.
Nice alliteration. The first 'she' should not be capitalized. 'Slightly' does not need a comma after it as it is the end of a thought. The last part I'm not sure about, but I personally would lowercase the second she as well. I feel like it would make it flow better.
According to Google, defer means "put off (an action or event) to a later time; postpone." I feel like that is not what you intended to say.
This one is mostly personal opinion. In this story, I find it unlikely that anyone would say something like this. Perhaps 'scared [Twilight's] feathers off' would work better?
"Pinkie's," with the apostrophe. The eyes belong to Pinkie, so 's is used to represent possession.
That's it for this chapter. If you have any questions feel free to ask, also feel free to argue any and all points. Most of all, feel free to completely ignore everything I just wrote and do whatever you want. This is your story not mine, so by all means, disregard everything.
I will do chapter two when I have time, although I did enjoy this so I will probably try to fit it in tomorrow.
Best of luck to you in your future endeavors.
(I would end this with a pinkiehappy, but considering the end of this chapter, I feel that would not end well.)
For a moment I thought that Pinkie was the killer. Now I suspect Caramel...
I really like this first chapter!
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I thought that too, until the end scene.
I was sure it was Pinkie. Glad it's not though. That would've been too predictable.
if you are reading this looking for spoilers, read the story first. spoilers will rot your teeth
holy sweet baby jesus, i expected a cupcakes but that bit at the end there froze the blood in my veins. bravo good sir. it's been a long time since something i read actually scared me.
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But, isn't he dead?
Huh, y'know I'm gonna be honest, I actually thought Pinkie Pie might have been the killer, but that would have been to obvious would it? Ya it was way to obvious to be likely.