The Everfree Forest is home to all manner of strange and dangerous creatures. Few ponies who wander in seldom make it out, and the ones who do rarely do so in one piece. So it was quite odd to see four ponies having a casual game of Go Fish in one of the darkest places in the forest.
“Got any fours?” one of the stallions asked, looking at the mare to his right.
“Go fish,” the mare said with a grin.
As the stallion went to draw a card from the deck, there came a strange crackling noise from behind the group. They jumped up from their seats and readied their weapons. A ball of energy was pulsating in the middle of the clearing, slowly growing larger. In the middle of the ball, a dark outline appeared.
“Ten bits says this one’s an alicorn,” one of the stallions whispered, aiming down his sights.
“Black and red?” the mare of the group asked.
“Are there any other kind?” he asked, rolling his eyes.
The ball of electricity expanded as the creature within started moving around. All at once, the light disappeared, leaving the forest dark and smelling of burnt flora. The creature that had spontaneously appeared stood with its back to the four ponies.
“I did it! I’m in Equestria!” the creature shouted, raising its hands to the sky.
“Human,” one of the stallions grunted in disgust. “Take it down.”
The other squad members nodded and pulled the triggers of their weapons. Several tranquilizer darts embedded into the human’s back and it let out a shrill scream. It took two steps forward before collapsing to the ground.
“My little pony, my little pony…ahh…ahh…ah,” the human mumbled.
The largest stallion of the group kicked the human onto its back so they could look at its face. “Disgusting,” he said, looking over the creature’s features. “This one’s got more hair on its neck than I do.”
“Come on, let’s tag it and bag it,” the mare said, pushing the stallion out of the way. She held a device with a large yellow tag hanging from it and knelt down by the human’s head. She smiled when she saw the human’s ear already had a sizeable hole in it, and she removed the plastic piece that was plugging it up. She clamped down on the device’s handle and when she released it, the yellow tag was left firmly attached the creature’s ear.
“Yo, Shell, you’re gettin’ good at that,” the large stallion said, admiring the mare’s handiwork.
“It helps when you have to do it a hundred times a day,” Shell replied with mock enthusiasm. “Get this one outta here before the next one comes—And Flak! Take off that ridiculous hat!”
Flak, the small stallion of the group had picked up the human’s fedora and was wearing it atop his head. His horn had ripped clean through the stitching and he struggled to shake it off. The large stallion trotted over and removed the hat, putting it into a large plastic bag labeled “Evidence”.
“Thanks, Tank,” Flak said.
Tank, the large brown pegasus stallion, nodded and tossed the bag aside. The fourth member of the group, Recon, rolled the human into a large bag and zipped it up to the human’s neck. Just as he finished getting the bagged human out of the clearing, another ball of energy appeared.
“Oh come on!” Tank shouted, quickly reloading his tranquilizer gun. The light expanded and disappeared, leaving a red and black alicorn lying on the ground. Before it could even stand up, Tank fired a dart into its neck.
“Oh, why’d you do that? I wanted to hear it monologue,” Flak whined. Tank ignored him and jumped atop the unconscious alicorn. With the precision of a surgeon, he used an electric saw to remove the alicorn’s horn.
“You know, when we first started this, I was gonna make a necklace outta these things,” Tank said, examining the red horn. “But now, I think I have enough to make a statue commemorating my work here.” He tossed the horn into the ever growing pile by their bunker. Next to the table was a pile of fedoras, a pile of alicorn horns, and a small pile of ipods.
Shell tagged the alicorn and allowed Recon to roll it away. “About time for a pick up,” Recon said, throwing the bag into the cage they’d been keeping the others in. The tranquilizers had worn off a couple of the captives and they stared through the cage.
“Bro hoof! Bro hoof!” one of the humans shouted, extending a fist toward Recon. Recon obliged the human, bringing his hoof up and pounding it lightly against the human’s fist. The human then laughed a giddy school filly laugh and Recon had to turn away.
“I don’t understand why they all find that so amusing,” Recon said, rejoining his comrades. They sat back at their table to resume their card game when a light appeared from the trees above. The branches had parted and an actual alicorn descended down upon them.
“About time,” Tank said, standing up to greet the alicorn.
Princess Celestia landed in the clearing and smiled to her elite task force. “How goes the battle?” she asked, looking around.
“About as well as it looks,” Shell said, indicating to the almost over-flowing cage. The few conscious beings in the cage began wildly calling to the princess. Shell shot them with her tranquilizer and turned again to Celestia. “Just why does this keep happening?”
Before Celestia could give an answer, a burst of light appeared in the middle of the clearing. A red and black alicorn faced them and called out to Celestia, “My love!”
“My king! You’ve returned!” Celestia shouted joyously.
“Ah crap, not this again,” Flak said, quickly putting on his sunglasses. The other three did the same and Tank flew in front of Celestia. He removed a device from his pocket and it made a high pitched noise accompanied by a blinding flash of light. Celestia’s pupils went wide and she stood completely still and slack jawed. Recon managed to tranquilize the red and black alicorn before it could use any of its mysterious and powerful magic.
“That was a close one,” Recon said, wiping sweat from his brow.
Tank flapped his wings so he could stay eye level with Celestia. He removed his sunglasses and spoke very clearly to her. “You don’t know this alicorn, you’ve never known this alicorn, and you most certainly don’t love this alicorn.”
“Yes. You’re right,” Celestia said, slowly coming out of the haze. She blinked rapidly and looked around. Shell was busy cutting the horn off the red and black alicorn while Flak brought over a clipboard.
“Number sixty-three,” he said, holding the yellow tag in his hoof. “This is his third offense.” The note on clip board also stated he was the seventh Element of Harmony and Celestia’s lover.
Celestia sighed after finally managing to recover from her stupor. “Right, where were we?” she asked, looking around. The cage of humans was growing restless and several had begun dry humping the bars while staring longingly at the glorious alicorn. She looked at them in disgust and her horn began to glow.
A large portal opened up and Celestia put on a pair of her own sunglasses. She then levitated only the humans out of the cage and held up a device like the one Tank had. It hummed then flashed and the humans all stared blankly at the alicorn.
“You never visited Equestria. Bathe more and get some actual sunlight,” Celestia said. She then cast the humans into the portal and closed it behind them. The red and black alicorns, each more red and black than the last, stared at the princess.
“Where are you gonna send them?” Tank asked.
“I’d like just to destroy them, but unfortunately, they’re immortal, invincible, and overwhelmingly attractive,” Celestia replied dreamily. She quickly composed herself before Tank could lower his sunglasses. “I’ll just send them to the moon, because that’s always worked out so well.”
Another portal opened up and the vacuum of space sucked the alicorns in. When the portal closed, Celestia just shook her head.
“They’ll be back,” Tank said, flipping his chair back onto its legs and taking a seat.
“And we’ll be here waiting,” Shell said, sitting back in her seat. Recon and Flak took up their seats and stared at their princess.
She smiled at them before taking off to the skies. The hole in the trees closed behind her, leaving the four ponies with only a single lantern for light. The quiet of the forest returned and they looked around, expecting it to be interrupted at any moment.
“Uh, Shell, I think it’s your turn,” Flak said, picking up his cards. Right as he finished the sentence, the familiar sound of reality being breached filled the forest.
“Here we go again,” Tank said, raising up his tranquilizer gun.
is gud. more plz.
You and your piss-takes of poorly-conceived characters continue to gain chuckle after chuckle out of me. Excellent work.
Take my usual tokens of esteem. *clicks two choice buttons*
What about humans who have no idea what the shit is going on? Like non-bronies or brony-haters?
a small pile of iPods
It truly doesn't help that I own a fedora, does it? At least my OC isn't red, black, an alicorn, or attractive with superpowers. Well, maybe a hue of brick, but...
I'm not helping my case, but now I feel the sudden urge to go take a bath and go outside for a little bit.
This was the best chapter ever, of all time.
Eh, it's been done before. Making fun of BiE and OC cliches is kinda old hat. I think you also went a bit overboard with the neckbeard and fedora jokes.
3908741
Shit, I was gonna say it.
Normally, I'm not one to dislike something simply because it's been done before. But enough is enough, come on. The first time was funny, the tenth was 'okay' but this has got to be the hundredth fic like this by now. It doesn't add anything new, it's ... the same. And actually, the irony inside the fic is less than the irony of the fic itself.
Black and red alicorns are hated because stories featuring them were so damn common that you couldn't click past the main page without seeing four or five of them at one time. Every brony had their 'alicorn self' that they wanted to share with the world and nine thousand times out of nine thousand and one, the alicorn was black and red with game-inspired powers. There was nothing new about those stories. They all saved the day, became the seventh element and managed a harem of all the Main 6 and Princesses. This type of fic is starting to fall into that same trap - in all of them, bronies are basement dwelling neckbeards with zero social skills and power fantasies along with a healthy dose of sexual repression. They've become so common that I'm finding myself disliking them on the same principle that I dislike 'brony-alicorn in Equestria' fics.
Strangely enough, I've read some of your stuff and have liked it before. It's just this stupid cliche has been done to death a bit. I'm sorry.
EDIT: I'm writing because I hate it when people dislike a fic without explanation. I hope this at least helps identify one of those and again, I'm sorry. It's not 'badly written' so much as 'tired' for me.
3908979
Yeah, not my best work. I'll refrain from any more of these.
3908992
And I feel I, too, must clarify: This isn't BAD, per se. It's decently written, if not a bit short. If I had read this last year, I would have loved it.
... What's wrong with wearing a fedora?
No credit for the guy who created the cover image?
3909033
Everything.
So, it's like the PPC but shorter? I would add "and with ponies" but the PPC has done pony stories too.
I guess 3908741 and 3908979 beat me to this particular critique.
3909276
I saw you posted this on your blog but had no idea you made it. I will be sure to credit you.
3909823
See, I've never actually taken the time to read anything like this. I just wrote what I thought would be slightly original, but I guess at this point most everything has already been done.
3910069
The second quote was first published 73 years after the first one
3909033 Its only bad if your an Alicorn or a Red and Blu- I mean Black OC.
But its perfectly fine for Luna to wear one cuz she is cool like dat.
3909033 most people who wear them cant pull it off and they end up looking silly
Your next mission, should you choose to accept it, is to keep Derpy and Ditzy separate. And by separate, I mean separate ponies. Also, one of the humans made it into Luna's bedroom and left her a love letter that was so romantic, the moon had a giant heart on it for weeks. Try to do better in the future, kay guys? XD
Also, canon squad is not canon, soooo, shouldn't they be arresting themselves?
This is what passes for "parody" these days, isn't it? No cleverness. No subtlety. No turning trends or tropes on their heads in a humorous or funny way. Just outright mockery of ideas and people like an insult comic, or like a junior high bully pointing at someone in glasses, calling him four-eyes, and laughing hysterically... except in this case he doesn't even know if the guy wears glasses, he assumes he does and makes fun of him on the assumption that he probably wears glasses.
Honestly, it could be a funny concept if you employed a little humor that didn't involve the characters blatantly insulting people.
3908992 But I want more of these
Lets fight recolores dragons and other mary sues
I'd like to join the canon-squad, but it'd be too non-canon.
For the greater good of humanity, we'll see what we can do on this end.
She can't do that
3911968
3911905
I'm stopping it for you. Take it to Private Messages.
I actually enjoyed this a good bit, and I'm wondering if there's going to be more, with each focused on a specific cliché.
Also, this reminds me a lot of... something; I just can't put my finger on it.
3911970 It's the police! Run!
But in all seriousness, I'm alright with this outcome. I appreciate it.
Quite nice how they all appear in the same area. It's like convenience is calling them there.
3908741 This got me thinking a good bit.
I've read through the comments, and looking at the general concept, and I think I understand the point of what it's going for.
Though it is focused mainly on clichés everyone knows, the idea of Canon squad, rather than something like Cliché squad, gives the writer a good deal of creative freedom. If he does want to continue this, he has the opportunity to go in almost any direction simply because it's called Canon.
So, if that state of mind is used for writing, the potential is near limitless as it doesn't tie itself only to clichés. He can create literally anything that isn't canon, cliché or not, and throw it into the story. If it is focused solely on cliché poking, then it chains itself to the wall. If the story doesn't mind going to absolutely insane things we don't see coming, like having a fight with a Red & Black Metal Gear RAY piloted by Bruce Lee, then it gives it the off-the-wall insanity I was kind of expecting. As long as it isn't canon, it can be justified and use, and there's a lot of stuff that's not canon.
3911793
How can you join that which does not exists, yet attacks that which does not exist, and thus would have to attack itself, like an Ouroboros. But then who would protect us from the non-canon?
Good God that hurts my mind...
So...what happens when a normal OC shows up?
Like, one that isn't overpowered and totally outlandish.?
I would like to know this
Good story btw
3912851
I have actually started a second chapter, and no OCs are allowed. They all disappear. And in the end, so will the canon squad, because they are not canon. Accidently created a paradox with this one.
3912857 I look forward to reading this.
I wonder if they'll all realize they aren't canon and turn on each other, or maybe when they realize they aren't canon, it's basically like dividing by zero and they all just poof or something outlandish of that sort.
Or maybe I should stop suggesting these things and let the writer write.
What do they do with the alicorn wings? Deep fry them and feed them to manticores?
3913086
Nah, they're allowed to have wings because then they'd just be a red and black pegasus. The horns are only removed so they can't go casting any magic.
3913117 Dang, that's a shame.
BEST ONE SHOT EVA
DEATH TO THE CLICHE ALICORNS AND CORNY HUMANS!
I saw Elric's OC caution sign and knew I had to read this. Loved it. Good jorb.
I like this
3912273
Hmm, you're right. Fanons, headcanons and alternate universe canons also fall under the purview of 'not canon'. It would be interesting to see the likes of Thrakerzod (Rainbow Dash Presents) or Pinkamena (the psychopath, most well known for Cupcakes).
3919605
Correct, and it's even more than that. More than just clichés can be used. Many other forms from the rest of the fandom can come in; Fallout: Equestria, MLD, and Sweetiebot. (I was thinking Thrakerzod, actually.)
But even beyond the fandom is what I'm seeing. He can indeed choose anything that isn't canon. Necromorphs, Nathan Drake, Zombies, Captain Jack Sparrow, Billy Mays, Jimmy Carter, Hulk Hogan, the cast from Top Gun, the Imperial Japanese Navy, and so on. The potential the author has for this is, quite literally, limitless.
However, whether or not he/she chooses to expand and take advantage of that has yet to be seen.
3919892
Canon Squad or not ponies be screwed if the entire IJN entered Equestria.
This was pretty funny and I would love to see more. If you cant laugh at yourself what can you laugh at.
3920879
Stop stalking me!
3920945 No.
wearing fedoras is fine as long as it's with a suit or something.
You REALLY should read the Shining Armor Arc of the pony pov series!
3921380 Fedoras are always fine!