What really happened during Cupcakes. Not quite as gruesome as what everypony assumed.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 13th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen April 13th
SirShadestrider
I'm a writer...with stories. What else would I be?
SirShadestrider
Joined 13th Feb, 2014 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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SirShadestrider · 1.2k words · 63 5 · 3.2k views
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A decent alternate.
Good Job for your first. 
Well, that's good. I wonder what will happen later.
I much prefer this to the original version. Also:
...Awkward...
3942160 Don't know...but that would be an interesting talk to be sure
3942126 Why thank you.
Congrats on your first story. The title caught my eye on the new story list, and though I never read cupcakes, I have an exceptional fear of it and liked the idea of it being trivialized into something more silly.
As for a critique, I'm gonna go for a quickie to give you the general Idea because you've only just started: Some scene transitions are too jarring and interrupt the flow, like the transition from the first paragraph to the second, and could be fixed with some more wording, like descriptive action, to soften the landing. The first line that jumped forward to Rainbow making cupcakes was used effectively, but the second major scene change to Twilight and her friends only needs one line above the "A couple minutes earlier" and a blank line is all that is needed to separate it from the paragraph below. The last scene change to Rainbow waking up is almost unnecessary. The story could still work if Rainbow woke up immediately after Twilight and her friends ran away and would fit your story still, or if you insisted she was knocked out for a bit, then you could have her waking up to Pinkie trying to clean up with Rainbow in a blanket (because it is assumed Pinkie is good enough a pony and pony-being to worry for her unconscious friend) and noticing the mess. Also, "Pinkie ran to look for s tennis racket". The 's' key is very close to the 'a' key.
Though there were other parts that could be worked on, this is just some of the simpler, technical stuff. For now, I'll recommend to edit and edit and edit again. If one part in your story doesn't feel right, change it, and if it still doesn't feel right, change it again. Editing your own story multiple times is the simplest and most hassle-free action a writer can take to improve the quality of their story.
Anyway,I always enjoy seeing new writers as they throw their hat into the ring for the first time, and I hope it won't be the last for you. Good luck with your imminent endeavors.
this was great! I wondered wat really happened lol.
I'm trying to get back into the fandom with this new season and your story is the first one I've read in a long time. It was short, simple, and great. Just like I like my stories. Thank you for this, made me smile. Cupcakes is the whole reason why I'm a brony today, and an innocent alternative like this is great for someone figuring out how to step back into here. :)
3942302 Thank you, especially for noticing the "s". I might very well not have noticed that on my own.
3942352 Don't know, but this is my personal take on it, and I'm stickin' to it.
3942360 Awww...Thanks, I'm glad I could help.
Glad that I could make somepony smile! 
I despise Cupcakes, mostly because I've read it, and it's not scary at all like the fandom makes it out to be. This is brilliant, and I enjoyed it a lot.
That... WAS HILARIOUS!stream1.gifsoup.com/view6/2338696/baby-laughing-hysterically-o.gif
3942503 Thank you very much.
3942554 Why thank you, I aim to please.
Not bad.
Funny yet stupid
THUMBS UP!!!
I wrote my first the other day....
I think you did a little better than me.
Sequel?
3942722 Yes, but sometimes stupid comedy is the funniest.
After all, look at some comedies like "History of the World", and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".
3944004 Eh, give yourself some credit, It's your first story.
3944710 Maybe, but I would have to do some brainstorming first.
3944751 yay!:
Made me grin, but it could have been funnier if you added a section about the girls overreacting and hiding or trying to explain what they saw to the police or applejack.
Missed opportunity me thinks.
3945608 Funny you should say that, because a sequel was requested, and that was actually along the lines of what I had planned. Not yet sure whether it is actually going to be a sequel, or simply an added chapter though.
3946427 You now have my attention. FOLLOW AND TALLYHO!
Never read the original, but this reinterpretation went how I thought it would go. I love it.
A very good story. I liked it!
Also, I would suggest you get an editor, but I can't suggest any to you. I don't even have one myself! 
3955639 Yeah, that's kinda my problem too.
Take a sickening gorefic and make it funny ...nice.
3962357 Why thank you. I do love making people laugh.
I like this version more
@ Pinkamina 104
Somepony's been changing their avatar a lot lately. Lol. I must say, that I like all three that you've had. 
This is too awesome.
But what about the pelt dress?
Not only funny but hilarious, like and fav.
And have a mustache too.
3987481 The pelt dress sounded like it came a while after everything else did. Since Pinkie's friends came in just after the commotion, there was no need to implement said pelt dress. Also, I was not entirely sure how to implement that, so I left it out for that reason as well.
3995353 Huzzah! Thank you for your generous donation of mustache, please deposit it in the 'stache donation bucket!
4007392
Oh! Wait! What if...it was...
Just kidding.
I can't think of anything either....
I'll tell you if I come up with anything.
3942352
SargeantSprinkles would decide that, and as far as I'm concerned, the story is the truth.
Do a sequel named The Horrible Misunderstanding of Rainbow Factory.
4135534 I was actually entertaining the idea of that.
Now that it has been requested that makes things final. It might be a little while though okay, but I will get around to it eventually. 
Oh, oh! I know what the pelt dress could be! It was really a quilt and another craft she made. It got cold in the basement so she wrapped herself in it.
4228692 I like the way you think!
4229019
Really? Cuz in real life I'm a big dummy.
heh-heh-heh...yeeeeeeeaaaaaah. thaaaats what happend....I'll go with that....
Pinkie Pie side:
THATS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED!!!! I WISH MORE PONIES AND PEOPLE KNEW THIS!!
4229476 Nah.
3978368 Why thank you.
3952863 Thanks.
4539567
4541710 Whataya
ing about? My Pinkie Pie comment or Pinkamena comment? either way thx!