• Member Since 25th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Majin Syeekoh


We’ve got dents and we’ve got quirks, but it’s our flaws that make us work.

Comments ( 41 )

I like where this is going

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

4012804 What do you mean by what?

4012810

Your story is disjointed and difficult to read. Have you been taking your thorazine lately?

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

4012839 Well that seemed a little unnecessary. And what exactly makes it difficult to read?

4012850

1. Psychosis doesn't work like this.
2. Neither does medication.
3. Neither do hospitals.
4. Your story takes place in a single scene, which makes it feel not just poorly paced but impossible to follow as well.
5. You used 1400 words to tell a story that should have taken at least 6,000 words, preferably more.
6. You tell almost everything and show almost nothing.
7. I literally couldn't tell if this was a comedy or not. I would have assumed so if it didn't have the Dark tag. It has no identifiably appropriate atmosphere at all.

Interesting. I like this story.:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy: More!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

4012890 1.Actually, a psychotic break works exactly like that.
2. Injected medication works exactly like that.
3. My mom woks in an ER. They work exactly like that.
4. I don't have an answer for that.
5. I don't have an answer for that either.
6. Ok, I can see that.
7. This is exactly what would happen in real life.

4012908

Haha. Whatever you say, tiger.

Comment posted by Majin Syeekoh deleted Feb 28th, 2014

4012943

Yep

'Specially if you write off constructive criticism and act like a petulant baby because you don't want to admit you, like all authors ever, need improvement. How old are ya, sport? Like, 12? You should be telling strangers on Facebook about the minute details of your day, not... this.

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

4012964 No, I responded to your constructive criticism quite succinctly. What I'm writing off if the overbearing condescending tone that you choose to push it in.

You shouldn't italicize dialogue, traditionally italicized quotes are used to designate thought not speech, which makes reading this a little confusing. I liked the idea though I do agree that it could use some more fleshing out. Also is Dr. Stable meant to be a House reference...no judgement just curious

4012890
4012908
A psychotic break is defined as a point in time where someone has a period of acute primary psychosis, where they suffer psychotic symptoms for a period of time.

Author, you have the symptoms right. In Fluttershy's break, she suffered from the delusion of believing she was a head of lettuce. The symptoms are okay. Debatable, but medically confirmed to be normal. The psychoactive drug takes effect very, very fast, however, taking seconds. The other problem is with the prescription chlorpromazine (the Thorazine). Thorazine is prescribed for people suffering from actual psychosis; a psychotic break does not mean psychosis. Many war veterans have psychotic breaks, but they're not psychotic. There's no way in hell the doctor could know if Fluttershy had actual psychosis with what he knew, and thus would not prescribe any medication at all. If anything, he'd have he stay in the hospital until psychological tests could be performed. Chlorpromazine would not be prescribed that fast, as it's a very dangerous drug (side effects include seizures, blackouts, tremors, and the likes).

The other huge problem lies in the story itself. The pace is way too fast. You do a lot of telling instead of showing. There are also a plethora of grammatical issues (most notably, you don't put a space after the ellipses). Author, I would recommend three things to you: more thorough research, an editor, and a pre-reader.

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

4013006 I used the italicized dialogue to highlight Fluttershy's separation from reality, although I see how it would be confusing.

And no, I searched for fifteen minutes on MLP wikia for the name of the doctor who treated Rainbow Dash in Read it and Weep.

This isn't really in my tastes, but I couldn't live with myself without saying this:

You could have had a nice pun in the title with "Shychotic".

4013015 BRILLIANT! I want to do a one shot just so I can steal that idea

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

4013011 I could see the issues you have with it. I'm not very good at showing. And you'll notice I didn't name the drug they injected her with for that very reason. Plus, I just couldn't see them letting poor Fluttershy suffer like that.:fluttercry:

But, you're right. They normally would do testing in that situation, although this being a small town, I think that Doctor Stable's word is as good as she's going to get.

4013014 ah, I wonder if they meant it as a House reference, or maybe I just like House.

4013039

They didn't even bother to get a patient history, from what I can tell.

4013056

It's not too late to change it if you want to. Go to your stories tab in the menu bar and you can edit the title. :twilightsmile:

4013014 I like this story and I always knew that Fluttershy had some mental disorder that was not normal to see that giant severed floating heads with the spotlight eyes laughing at her when she was discovered as Big Mac's voice and that other time with the those eyeballs in the Hurricane Fluttershy episode

4013056
Yet again another great fan fiction, besides what's already said I think the main thing this fiction suffers from (besides psychosis of course) is it's pace, at times I felt as though the story was going too fast to keep up with. But overall I really liked the story :raritywink:

*slides Fluttershy a fully-loaded Glock 17*
You do.....whatever it is you need to do. :pinkiecrazy:

I was half expecting her to say: "S-stay the hay out of my shed!" :flutterrage:

Yes,for crazy ponies...:pinkiecrazy:

Rather anticlimactic,but still nice.

This story was very sobering after reading your fic about Twilight getting high and all of that wonderful insanity... Though the style does not do well here as it did with the comedy. There's almost a humorous undertone to this and that makes me really sad. I understand that you were trying your hand at a serious topic here, though it needs far more detail and emotion. This was just stale and on the surface. I'm sorry, but I'm gonna leave a dislike here. That's not against you as a writer, just this fic. There should probably be a sad tag to this as well. *Sighs* Seriously the biggest issue I believe is the pacing.
Though it was odd for the doctor to just give her a drug like that and stamp her with that label. It takes a LOT of testing for them to conclude this sort of thing. I am actually a little insulted by this story as well because my brother is schizoaffective. I understand the message that these individuals are as average as you and me, but the execution was done poorly here in my opinion.

Thank you for trying to write this and I applaud you for it. Serious topics like these are difficult and can be emotionally hard on an author, especially for researching purposes. You have a goodnight sir.

Quaver Ava

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

4084987 Thank you for the review. I will take what you said into consideration. For the doctor, however, I was sort of going for a 1950's vibe, where they did slap it on people after the advent of thorazine. I do understand that I have an issue with telling instead of showing, and am trying to work on that.

Again, thank you for your honest review of my story. I really do appreciate it.

4085010 You're welcome. I feel a little sad about having to give you that dislike though. You're writing is coming along rather well. What really helped me nail emotions down was working on a fic about a mute child and her dead mother. There were no words, mostly descriptions and thoughts. Try this sort of writing on for size and see if you enjoy it or not. It will help you tremendously. Also, there ain't any shame in asking for some help and pointers from a trusted friend.

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

4085020 Thank you. I will take your advice into consideration. No worries about the dislike. I tend to attract them.

It took me reading Quaver Ava's comment (and checking the tags) to realize what was wrong with this story. I was trying to figure out why it wasn't funny. It's not supposed to be.

They say comedy is just tragedy with better timing. This story demonstrates that perfectly. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't take it seriously enough for it to be sad. The biggest problem, as I see it, is that there's simply a deluge of information flying at me as I read this; not only am I being told things, rather than shown them, I'm being told them at the rate of a professor that simply reads notes, and flies through everything without stopping. If this story was at least three times the length it is now, and the revelations that Fluttershy's breaking down spaced out, with some time to take everything in, it would be better. If things weren't explained so plainly to the reader, it would be better. If the hospital staff didn't make what appeared to be jokes about their lack of a 'magical system', it would be better. (Also, depending on where you are, they probably will note what you said, then take it with a grain of salt. It's the same with doctors, mechanics, even computer-repair-people.)

As I read through the other comments on this story, the parasprite's stuck out to me the most. Everything they said about writing, is something you should pay heed to. Everything about how hospitals work, or psychotic breaks, maybe less so (though I'd recommend trying to research them some, and there are obviously different manifestations.)

All in all, you won't get a like on this, but I don't dislike it either, you just need some work, and it looks like some better writers than me have given some pretty good advice for it. You should listen to them, but keep in mind you're ultimately responsible for your own betterment, so keep working at it. I'll keep an eye out for your future works, for sure.

Thanks for reading my ramblings here. Mobile commenting isn't very conducive to a well put-together comment, so I hope it turns out well enough.

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

4234338 Thank you for your constructive comment, I will take it into consideration when writing stories in the future.

And this isn't an automated response. I really will. I just had an idea and had to regurgitate it out. In the future, I'll probably take my time when writing something like this.

Yeah, Fluttershy has some serious issues. I mean, just look at how she views vampire fruit bats. It's like a whole different world in her mind.

And I thought that Fluttershy was just a little bit crazy in season one. :twilightoops:

4085010

I was sort of going for a 1950's vibe, where they did slap it on people after the advent of thorazine.

That would possibly make for an interesting followup. Perhaps a dark fic in which a panel of ethics is convened in Equestria to discuss the overuse of drugs and medical procedures without knowing the short and long term effects. This investigation could be prompted after Fluttershy has a massive seizure, and her friends demand answers.

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