Name's Shadow Light, one of the few unicorns in my high school, my friend Lightning was a vampony and one night I learned the hard way. He turned me into one of him! My whole life is now turned around after learning my life's meaning is to be a vampony.
*Tell me what you like/hate
*Enjoy
The guy that wrote the night wolfe fic, eh?
*reads*
Well, that escalated quickly.
Sweet Jesus, the guy just out-and-out sinks his teeth into the poor guy! And he's supposedly his friend! Your grammar is alright, it's by no means bad, but slow the heck down.
4034375 thank you..I will that was just a flashback. After write that one story, I've gotten better. Thank you. I will slow down
When the next chapter out
4034389 When will I have the next? I say about a week, I have two other stories
I don't hate it, but the name Shadow Light is so edgy I think I cut myself just by looking at the monitor. It's also not very imaginative. I'd liken it to calling your anti-hero 'Goodbad', or calling his archnemesis 'Evillor'.
Random tense changes from past to present and back to past. Oh, and wooden dialogue. Holy christwagons, the guy just got bitten by his friend, passed out, and thought he was dying! And the best you can do for a reaction is 'Dang..slow eater'?! I know the urge to write a snarky character is overwhelming, but this isn't the reaction of a living being, here. It's the reaction of a robot, or perhaps someone who has literally nothing in the way of survival instincts.
There's a point where 'snarky' becomes 'unable to have any other reaction by dry sarcasm', and you're there. Oh boy, are you there. His reactions to being made into a vampony are so wooden you could dress him in a trenchcoat and call him Keanu.
Needs a lot of fleshing out, and a character with more than one facial expression. Maybe edit this, and bump it up to 2k words? That'd ensure you get the necessary character interactions and depth you need from a first person protagonist, because 'generic snarky teenager' won't cut it for writing first person.
Good luck
4034891 Will do
4034965 can you make a pony of my pony creeper cake in this story pls
4034965 and creeper cake is a male
4088632 Sorry..no can do, I might do a picture.
Why the fuck did his friend kill him?
I can proof read for you.
4088667 Friend didn't kill him really, turned him
4088674 But what was the point of it?
4088686 To turn him into a vampony. He wanted Shadow to be like him
4088692 Oh. Also, as i stated in a different comment, i can proof read for you. No offense, but JESUS CHRIST YOU NEED IT.
4088703 Where??
4088707 .....Your fucking joking, right? Please tell me your joking.
4088711 Calm down...please..can't be that bad
4088713 Well yeah, but still.
A much better line would be: Yawning, i stretched out my fore hooves and softly turned off the clock. Hearing my mother trotting to my room, I pushed off my blankets and laid up.
\
New Line: As the door opened, my still half asleep mother came in and laid her ruffled blue wing on me. Her blue coat was a mess, with hair sticking everywhere, and her eyes, the same color as her fur, sparkled in the sun.
I can write down some more.
4088731 Yea..I can see...let me think about it please, besides my friends are yelling at me on Arma
4088736 Sorry.
4088739 Bah...just got blew out of the sky
4088739 and is it you that disliked it..just wondering, I won't be mad
4088749 Yes. I also favorited it.
4088760
4088761 I want too see where it goes and how you improve.
4088765 Well..to tell you, Discord and Twi (non alicorn) Will be in it. Teachers
4088768 OH NOOOOOOO.
Cool.
4088780 Good or bad..like what?
4088781 I was kidding. It seems like a cool and unique idea to use Discord as a teacher- to me, at least. Now, time to sleep!
4088787 History teacher
4088788 can you put me for the next part of your story
4101589 No..NO..NO
You said the next chapter would be out in a week its been 3 weeks
4132244 ever heard of high school..it's almost done then my editor needs to look at it
Maybe do the editing talk out of the comments?
another very good chapter, and I can't wait to read the next.
4425961 really?
4427480 yes really.
As an author of seven novels awarded with the Nobel Prize of Literature, I would like to say you have a lot of potential but need to work on most everything within the story. To avoid repeating things that have already been said by others, I will leave it to you to make the corrections.
All in all, I like where this story is going and compliment you on your brilliant story.
4637414 You know..people like you make people not write
4637414 Hey, was that a real compliment or not?
If it was, ok.
If not, lols
4639046 Wow...you ever think people found something they will write? I hated writing, till this..so guess what, fuck you
4639049
That was quite rude.
4639061 Well go mess with some other crap story and make that write mad
4639065
I can't understand what you're trying to say to me.