The Equestrian Intelligence Agency

by Admiral Biscuit

Not a Mare of Action

Lyra paused outside the heavy wooden door. Getting summoned to the office of the Captain of the Equestrian Guard was never good, especially after the recent incident with the changelings. She ran a hoof through her mane to make sure it was in place, wishing she’d brought a mirror. Oh well, she thought, if wishes were wings, unicorns would fly. She knocked lightly.

Shining Armor magicked the door open, and nodded his head politely. Lyra took a quick glance around his office—it was pretty much unchanged from the last time she had been here. The walls were in need of another coat of whitewash, and the desk was slightly more dilapidated. The piles of papers scattered around its surface had gotten deeper, and the lines on Shining Armor’s face seemed more pronounced; Lyra assumed he was still dealing with the aftermath of the changeling invasion. Even though Princess Celestia said that it was nopony’s fault, Shining Armor felt personally responsible: after all, it was his shield that was supposed to have protected Canterlot, and it collapsed.

“Lyra,” Shining Armor said. “Have a seat.” He motioned to the repurposed garden bench that was shoved against the wall. He frowned at her posture as she sat with her back against the backrest, hind legs swinging free, but said nothing.

“Am I correct in assuming that this is about the changeling incident, boss?”

“You are.” He looked Lyra directly in the eye. “There were some significant lapses in our security. I don’t need to remind you that Princess Cadance was entrapped in the crystal caverns under the castle, followed by Twilight Sparkle. Princess Celestia was overpowered in front of all the wedding guests and put into a cocoon, and the bearers of the Elements of Harmony were captured by the changeling hive—to say nothing of all the other ponies injured or confined during the attack.

“Unfortunately, this incident has caused me to perform a very through review of our security procedures, and I must say, some of what I found in your file makes me question your fitness for your post.”

Lyra’s eyes widened. For five years, she had been the Equestrian Intelligence Agency’s agent-in-place in Ponyville. She had been simply another background pony, hardly noticed in the bustle of daily life. More recently, she’d been tasked to keep an eye on Twilight Sparkle as a personal favor to Shining Armor; fortunately, her magic had enabled her to go places most other unicorns could not, such as Cloudsdale.

“During the parasprite infestation,” Shining stated as he read her file, “instead of immediately reporting the event to your superiors, you cried.” He looked up, expecting a response.

“It was Bon Bon’s birthday! We’d had a nice quiet lunch together, and before I could even eat one bite of the cake I got for her, it was devoured by a parasprite! The day had been going so well before they showed up! They were horrible; nopony could have stopped them. . . .”

“Pinkie Pie led them off,” he reminded her. “You should have had parasprite management lessons during your basic training—for Luna’s sake, you’re even nominally a musician!” He turned back to her file. “Let’s see. An incident with an Ursa Minor…well, your report on that was timely and concise, and I suppose nopony can be blamed for the imbecilic actions of a couple of foals…building collapses, hot-air balloon failure, runaway baby carriage, sleeping dragon, Nightmare Moon, love poison . . . a ‘possible plot by the CMC’ to subvert the educational and agricultural system?”

“I didn’t know it was a bunch of fillies,” Lyra wailed. “I thought that the so-called Cutie Mark Crusaders were an underground group. Who would have thought that three foals could cause that much damage? Berry Punch’s house got dragged off its foundation, and the Carousel Boutique had serious damage to the facade. It’s only gotten worse since then—you can’t even imagine what they can do with fireworks.”

Shining Armor looked her in the eyes. “Lyra, your reports are well-thought-out and concise—well, maybe not the one about the Cutie Mark Crusaders—and you have an eye for detail that most ponies don’t. But, you don’t strike me as a mare of action, and are perhaps out of your depth in the field.

“Furthermore, after the incident with the changelings, I have to make some changes in the department. Princess Celestia hasn’t said anything, but how embarrassed do you think I feel having an EIA agent not only fail to discover Queen Chrysalis’ plot, but to be brainwashed by her into turning . . . well, evil? You actively campaigned against my sister and my wife.”

Lyra almost foalishly said she wasn’t your wife yet, but the words died before they could be spoken. She hung her head in shame. “I understand, Shining. I have failed you and the EIA. Rather than suffer the indignity of being fired, I’ll resign.”

Shining held up his hoof. “Hold on there, Lyra, I was not saying that I wished to terminate your employment. Even though there have been some regrettable incidents, your reports have always been informative. Nay, I would rather…laterally promote you to a, um, reporting agent.”

Lyra broke into a smile. “I can keep the house with Bon Bon?” She frowned. “Wait, if I’m not a field agent anymore, who is? Do you have somepony in mind?”

“I do.” He shuffled through some files on the desk. “In fact, we are planning on employing more agents in the Ponyville area. It seems that with the bearers of the Elements of Harmony living there, more, um, discord has been happening. Plus, it’s close to the Everfree Forest, and that’s always been a problem area.” He found the file he was looking for, and held it up. “There are three earth ponies who have applied for the job. Perhaps you know them? Roseluck, Daisy, and Lily.”

Lyra almost managed not to laugh.

Author's Note:

This story pre-dates my FimFiction account. It was written not long after the season 2 finale.

There was some speculation way back when that the reason Lyra was so often seen in the background (even in Cloudsdale) was because she was a secret agent, tasked with keeping watch on Twilight. I ran with that idea.

Comments

[Vrilix]

She had been simply another background pony

Top lel

[PunIntended Consequences]

Roseluck, Daisy, and Lily.

I did not manage to restrain my mirth, either. I am now reconciling this fact be speaking in a more refined and eloquent tongue. It's not really working, is it?

The EIA, huh? Is that part of the ___verse too, then?

[MrZJunior]

Is it weird that I favorite and up vote everything you write even before I read it?

[Admiral Biscuit]

4065266

The EIA, huh? Is that part of the ___verse too, then?

Probably not. This story certainly isn't.

[Admiral Biscuit]

4065285
Are you stalking me?

[PunIntended Consequences]

4065285
If it is, then I'm weird too.

4065387
Speaking of the ___verse, have you come up with a name for it yet, or will it remain forever nameless?

[Admiral Biscuit]

4065400

Speaking of the ___verse, have you come up with a name for it yet, or will it remain forever nameless?

Not yet. I am leaning towards the 'pidginverse.' though. Heh, by the time I finally come up with a name, Dale will be speaking fluently.

[theRedBrony]

Even thought Princess Celestia said that it was nopony’s fault

Carousel Boutique had serious structural damage to the facade.

That's kind of contradicting, given a facade is just a cover, not part of the structure of a building. aka not load bearing. aka not structural.

Enough busting your balls (for now), this was a good little oneshot. Red approves.

imageshack.com/a/img826/2236/fo17.jpg

[Admiral Biscuit]

4065830

Corrections made, thank you!

[Admiral Biscuit]

4065231

The funny thing is, that might not be a deliberate reference. I think I wrote this story before I was aware of Background Pony.

[Sesquame]

Shining Armor really needs to improve his hiring practices

[MrZJunior]

4065387
Yes, the follow function makes it so easy.

[metallusionsismagic]

Pinkie Pie lead them off,”

led. Fixed.

An integral part of Lyra's secret agent repertoire are her bionic legs. Side effects include:
Increased bounce height...
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/28126__safe_animated_lyra_bouncing_bounce_irrational-exuberance_supercut.gif
...legs bending at awkward angles...
1.bp.blogspot.com/-pJGs-jmpL84/T6Oy7Idof0I/AAAAAAAABJo/0ocp36ayMak/s1600/133418885997.png
...And possibly some lead poisoning.
static.rainbowdash.net/avatar/4553-480-20111010032038.png

[theRedBrony]

4066485 No problem. What are incredibly picky readers for?

[Admiral Biscuit]

4068372

Pinkie Pie lead them off,”
led.

In my defense, this was written before I was smart enough to differentiate between the two, and I obviously missed it in proofing.

...And possibly some lead poisoning.

Actually, I was actually thinking that might be one of the things that the forensics boys find in Lyra's hair: a higher-than-normal lead level. I assume that the ponies use lead solder on their pipes, and maybe lead paint, too--and I think that heavy metals would show up in hair

[Admiral Biscuit]

4067320

I hadn't planned anything specific, but the EIA might pop up in a story here or there.

4070352

No problem. What are incredibly picky readers for?

1. To correct my spelling.
2. To deflate my ego when it gets too big.
3. To occasionally read my rants.
4. To make crazy suggestions that sometimes find their way into a story

[theRedBrony]

4070549 Sounds about right!

[Fareseed]

That trio? Shining, I really hooe they can take the training.

[Luna Aeterna Solutae]

Iiiii don't think they use lead paint or lead solder. They seem to have a decent enough grasp on the sciences to know that's retarded.
This was a thing. I thought it was funny. Three and a half chuckles.

[Admiral Biscuit]

5496237
I've made a point of generally assuming they don't use lead in plumbing, if for no other reason than to prevent readers from jumping all over me. For what it's worth, IRL I made the executive decision to phase out the lead wheel weights we've got in the shop, even though there is no law requiring us to do so.

[Luna Aeterna Solutae]

5509916
Good! Lead and zinc aren't really good for human contact in raw metal form.

[Admiral Biscuit]

5510042
Less bad for an adult than a child, but still worth avoiding wherever possible. We've almost phased them all out; we've only got one uncommon type of wheel weight left in lead.

[Luna Aeterna Solutae]

5510088
Of course I can't really say anything, having identified a sample of lead by taste in Chemistry.

[Admiral Biscuit]

5510371
We do that in the shop occasionally, too. Brake fluid tastes different from coolant, which tastes different from power steering fluid...

Heck, I knew a girl who would only make art with supplies she'd tasted. Odd, I guess, but I've eaten paper, so I suppose I have no room to talk.

[Luna Aeterna Solutae]

5510383
Right. It's one of those little thing things. Chugging it will kill you, but you'll be fine with a tiiiiiny taste.

[Admiral Biscuit]

5510418

Chugging it will kill you, but you'll be fine with a tiiiiiny taste

True of so many things.

[Ri2]

The irony of this is hilarious now that we know BON-BON's the spy.

[Admiral Biscuit]

6388392
i.ytimg.com/vi/jIbkpgrdP5E/maxresdefault.jpg

[MythrilMoth]

Man, Hilarious in Hindsight actually makes this story better than it would've been if I'd read it BEFORE "Slice of Life".

[DumbDog]

Nice read, I enjoyed it! Also...the background pony thing, subtle.

[Moises Munguia]

EIA (Equestrian Intelligence Agency) = CIA
MDSAF (Modecan Secret Agent Force) = KGB
SIA (Struckfornia Intelligence Agency) = MI 16 or 17
AIS (Averyland Intelligence Services) = Mosad
MUG (Magpie Underground) = Stasi or Gestapo.

[fanreader999999]

2014

[TheOneAJ]

[Admiral Biscuit]

11708930
Huh, I didn't know that they'd done readings of this. Thanks for the heads-up!