Vinyl Scratch used to be the best in her profession but is stuck in a rut . She has not been doing very well lately and it's starting to affect her life. Octavia is on top of the classical genre with her cello playing. She has been under a lot of stress lately and haven't been getting a lot of breaks from her playing and composing. What happens when these to woman meet at a club that the DJ is playing at.
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Okay constructive criticism time. I'll try and be as kind in my words as I can and please remember than im not being mean, just trying to point out where your writing falls flat, and how you can improve it.
First off
This is a example where 'show don't tell' needs to be applied. you have told us that it happens, try to write the event as if we are witnessing it. for example (I really hope this is more 'show' rather than 'tell' otherwise im a hypocrite)
As Octavia finished her performance the crowd thundered into applause in a standing ovation, after bowing to the crowd she made her way backstage.
"nice performance octavia" she heard from her left, turning octavia saw beauty brass smiling at her.
"yes, an exceptional performance" remarked Frederick, both of whom were other performers for the night. having played beforehand
"thank you" replied octavia as modestly as she could. Octavia received praise from some of the other performers that she was unfamiliar with as well. such praise always put octavia in a good mood, it was proof that she belonged here, that she was the best cellist in canterlot and perhaps the world.
This is just a example but it gives a place to develop the character further and show some of their personality to the reader.
Secondly
Almost every sentence starts with she did this of she was this. Try and avoid this as its very repetitive and the reader will notice and it distracts the reader away from the story. You want to capture the reader in the story and immerse them as much as possible. mix it up a bit, and writing the event like I showed earlier makes this much easier
And thirdly, I saw a few times where dialogue came in that it was composed like so;
Whereas it should be;
dwindle since it was near closing time. She picked up her microphone as the last song finished and spoke into it.
“I hope everyone has had a good time tonight but its time for me to shut it down. This is the great DJ-Pon3 signing off.”
As a rule, whenever a new character is speaking, make a new line. This breaks up the story and the wall of text and gives a clear indication to reader that its a different character. this is vital if there is two characters talking back and forth.
Also
there is a over use of full stops. and this is more opinion but the paragraph is very short. each sentence or thought only a few words long, making for a juddery chapter. try to elaborate on the characters thoughts or the clothing characters where or whatever. This allows for a much more smooth and flowing paragraph, keeping the reader in the story. just make sure you don't waffle on while doing so
For example it could be reworded as;
vinyl noticed a girl that she had never seen before sitting at the bar who looked out of place. she was wearing a plain grey suit that made he stick out of the crowd of party goers adorned with glow sticks. Vinyl wondered what a girl like that would be doing at a club as she stared at the girl through her purple tinted shades, noting that she was in turn staring straight back at her. she was rather pretty, the suit was either tailored or the woman just look good in a suit. Tearing her attention away form the woman at the bar, vinyl began to swap the records over, fading out the current song, whilst bringing the new songs volume slowly up, making for a even transition.
that's about all I can think of right now.
my advice, is read this http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide
It will help immensely.
also if you don't have one, get an editor, they will help pick up on sentence, spelling and grammatical errors, as well as help structure the story and make it flow nicely and make it ideal to read.
remember writing is a means to convey your story to an audience. so its ideal to do so in the most efficient and audience capturing way possible. atleast until you have a good grasp on writing and can start experimenting with style
and secondly, and this is more personal advice and opinion, write your story, not someone else's. if someone says "you should't have neon be vinyl's ex colt friend" or whatever, ignore it, if they want one where there's a different situation than your story, they can go write that story.
Ignore negative comments, take on constructive criticism but don't bend over backwards for it. and keep writing. I've seen too many writers stop writing and leave the site due to ass hole users, particularly those who write glorious octa-scratch.
I look forward to seeing you progress as a writer, and will be following you to see how it goes.
good luck, and hugs!
4178227
Wow well yeah that pretty much sums it up for me ( no offense) still a good read though
>> Air Heart
Sorry i haven't been on for a while because of sports. I just finished up with a sport and then i tore my meniscus so I have been down for a while. But thanks for the criticism. This is my first attempt at writing any type of story so im glad that you have given me some pointers. Ill take ur advice and change some of those things.