Apple To The Core

Alicorn Applejack and Other Amazin' Apple Stories2,261 stories ·653 members

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Applejack has to carry out a family ritual of which she hoped to never see again.

So yeah, first try at something sad. And at One-Shots. What means I would be very happy about some critiscism and comments in general.

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Aatxe360

Aatxe360 #1 · May 14th, 2014 · · ·

From the description, I thought this was a one-shot, however, it is marked incomplete.

Several spelling errors throughout. One of the biggest quips I have is the first paragraph though. It is in contradiction to the entire rest of the story.

But Granny Smith was not going to the market, Apple Bloom hadn’t set off for school and Applejack and Big Mac hadn’t startde their chores yet.

Besides the spelling errors in it and the fact that you can take out "But" because it doesn't contradict the previous sentence, you have Big Mac's name in there making me think he is alive. I was thinking that the red sack with the half apple was part of a solemn occasion for him, however, that sentence refers to him as alive so I couldn't understand what this ritual was that had several years in between. Put "and no one had started their chores yet." and it hides the fact a little that Big Mac isn't actually with them.

“Goodbye, Big Mac. Until I join you up there.”

I'm going to lay this out straight. This quote implies an incestous relationship between AJ and Mac and that doesn't sit well with me. Put "we" and I can understand she's in there for the entire family. Also, it seems the ritual is off-kilter due to the fact that others, or herself, have been in there before her to bury Big Mac. Why wasn't it a combined Apple Family(immediate, not extended) effort and have the ritual take place immediately afterward?

Also, her outburst to Winoa feels unusual, even for a distraught AJ. Otherwise, the story is a nice, short look at behind the scenes on a ritual of Apple Family loss.

DunkelWars

DunkelWars #2 · May 14th, 2014 · · ·

4389111

From the description, I thought this was a one-shot, however, it is marked incomplete.

Fixed that. I wrote this pretty late at night and simply forgot to change it.

you have Big Mac's name in there making me think he is alive.

This was actually what I had planned whit writing that. It's obvious that something bad happened to the family, most likely someone died. So, I tried to hide who had died for some time. But yeah, I'll try to find a better way to describe.

This quote implies an incestous relationship between AJ and Mac

That was not planned. I wrote it like that because the difference in time between each member of the family to die is (probably) pretty big. I felt that if I wrote "we", I'd implicate that the whole family dies in a very short span of time.

have been in there before her to bury Big Mac

No one was in there before AJ to bury him. The seed is covered in Big Mac's ashes. It's not just a tree to remember him, it's literally his grave.

Also, her outburst to Winoa feels unusual, even for a distraught AJ.

I didn't plan on including this, but the story needed to be bigger for fimfiction to accept it. And it's one of my smaller headcanons that Winona was a birthday present from Big Mac for AJ, so I used that. And once again, I was prettx tired while writing this. I'll revise t at some point in the future, maybe I can fit in something better there. I'll do something about the spelling errors at that time as well.

Oh and thanks for the fave

Aatxe360

Aatxe360 #3 · May 14th, 2014 · · ·

4389366

No one was in there before AJ to bury him. The seed is covered in Big Mac's ashes. It's not just a tree to remember him, it's literally his grave.

Ok, makes more sense. My headcanon on burial rituals for Earth ponies is just standard burial wrapped in linen or nothing at all. A cremation feels more like a Pegasus ritual. That was a misunderstanding on my part.

MrButterscotch