In the year 2050 Negotiations between the U.S and China go bad resulting in a full scale war. Jake Eld is a 17 year old Force Recon Marine who along with his squad fights through enemy after enemy but when then a nuke is dropped which collides with Eld's shield system on his armor sending him to Equestria.
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Alright.
You need to work on your punctuation, those run-ons are slowly killing me.
The story is a little fast.
Other that that, however, it's pretty good. Tracked.
I would highly suggest that you work on your formatting. Huge blocks of text tend to not fly well on here. Your grammar and syntax needs a little work as well. The transitions that you have describing the change of scenery need some fleshing out. A story is meant to be shown, not told.
However, I really like the concept that you have going for this.
You should consider finding yourself a pre-reader. They can do wonders to help edit your work.
i didnt know that bad writing could make your eyes bleed.
but i digress is a good story like obn the writing style is killer on the eyes and kills the exitement of the story.
>Reads description
Well... It is obvious you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about on a technological level nor a political level....
...
If he's a Marine, then he's not a soldier - he's a Marine. I'm not in the USMC myself, but little things like that seem to annoy jarheads.
Like others have said, your formatting could use some work. Your spelling, is good though.
There are a few other issues that don't make sense for 2050: CVN-65 still in use, Force Recon still equiped with ancienct M4s and M9s, a 17 year old being able to fool ID systems
This story has potential, but needs to be heavily revised. Do you have anyone who will edit, or at least read things through before you post? Since this is your first story, I'll volunteer to help. Send a message if you're interested.
No...just no.
cc: your punctuation really needs some work. Additionally, structure the story so that dialouge gets its own line.
The story CONCEPT is interesting, but i dont see where the plot can go from there
Its good, but it needs some work.
Dat mechanics....
I'll track it out of curiosity.
Self-insert?
412135 I realized my mistake but I was to far in to change
411820 Alright cool thank's for the feedback
411820 Alright cool thank's for the feedback
412165 I have a couple of tricks up my sleeve for the plot and it's my forte to so expect it to be good
412783ok. You've earned yeself a track, then.
412135 Also CVN-65 Was the ship my dad served on and while I will never be able to serve on it why can't Eld? 17 year olds can enlist with consent from their parents and I wanted to use weapons people could picture and go along with.
It's a cluster-fuck (•-•)
413495 Pardon?
I'm sorry, but I just can't get into this story - everything happens so fast with almost no setup or description. If you kill off a bunch of characters the audience hasn't even been introduced to, it lacks any kind of emotional impact. I know you probably wanted to get him to Equestria as quickly as possible, but you really need to slow down and use more paragraphs and descriptive sentences.
Show, don't tell.
416129 Yeah this is my first time at trying something like this.
great chapter
its interesting
have some staches
Nice
moar
477347 Writing a fourth chapter right now! Hopefully it'll be up by tonight.
483650 In the beginning where Eld is in the hospital bed he rambles about it being part of him. So he still does have it and it comes into play later in the fifth chapter.
484905 The first two chapters are pretty cluster fucked so I'm not surprised you missed that.
A wall of text? NOPE! Hit Enter/Return twice if you're going to start a new paragraph, I believe you hit it once between lines of dialogue between different characters. Oh, and you don't use commas in the correct places. "'Relax, they wouldn't nuke their own country,' he said." (Note both commas. You replace a period with a comma if it's before the indication of who is saying it.) would be correct.
Protip: Put spaces after commas, as well as periods in identification. (Pvt. John, as well as Look for wounded, radio for help... etc.) Heck, put spaces after ALL periods and other punctuation. And ellipses (...) should only ever have three periods, or four if it's intended to be the end of a sentence. And, yes, I am a certified Grammar Police prereader.
491598 Strange I thought I had fixed the wall of text problem. Oh well thanks for bringing that to my attention. Also that is no longer a problem in other chapters
Oh, and it makes perfect sense for a sane man to want to kill a close friend because his friend thought he was dead after he was hit by a freaking nuke!
[/sarcasm]
491719 Reddings was driven insane by the death of most of his squad and then corrupted by Nightmare Moon.
Force Recon at 17? No, just no.
676060 Honestly I just forgot to replace the age on the finalized version. He was originally supposed to be twenty one.
678656 Oh, ok. That's understandable.
all of this is SO FREAKING RUSHED !!!
685387 It was my first fanfic.
Seems legit. All i was saying is that it should have been padded out more. The main character is seriously OP at the moment.
Well, its a pretty great idea for a story, but the punctuation, lack of description, and the pace of it is the only problem. Other than that, its a pretty good fic.
This is an embarresment to the corp.
This is an embarresment to the corp.
"Spain was destroyed.”
You mean this Spain?
eurofarms.com/spain-map.jpg
I hope the next chapter comes out soon
416129
Hi. (Late as hell)
This is utter garbage and a perfect example of why prepubescent children shouldn't write military fiction.
Sorry to reply to the old article
But this is not China's style . never
Why is China very evil or similar to fascism in most articles with China?
Before writing an article with China's participation, please understand it first.OK？！