When Dusk Comes

MThe Benefits of Friendship Come With Consequences
MLP: FiM
Romance
Comedy
Slice of Life
After a night of making love, a male Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash have to deal with the foalout of their actions. Sequal to When Dusk Comes.
Sex
Twilight
Rainbow Dash
Celestia
Main 6
CMCs
LordBrony2040 · 102k words · 813 91 · 10k views

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Comments ( 27 )

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Gareth1125

Gareth1125 #1 · May 23rd, 2014 · 3 · ·

Really good I am really looking foward to a continuation. Maybe stays a stallion for a few days and doesn't even think about what being in heat actually means till after she changes back. Honestly a really good start to a story with lots of places to go.

The Yaoi Mistress

The Yaoi Mistress #2 · May 24th, 2014 · 4 · ·

oh right, pregnancy happens now XD (if not,I'm not complaining)

GloomyFace

GloomyFace #3 · May 24th, 2014 · 6 · ·

It wasn’t as if two mares such as themselves being together in a sexual way could cause any real problems.

Heh, the problems start when one of the mares isn't actually a mare at the moment, and the other one is in heat
I'd like to see their reactions when they finally realize that they will be bringing a little Twilight Dash into the world because of their little romp

CryoKing96

CryoKing96 #4 · May 24th, 2014 · 5 · ·

Good fic. A follow-up would be nice, especially if Twilight got Dash preggers.

Ratsenkio

Ratsenkio #5 · May 24th, 2014 · 4 · ·

4439859
I couldn't agree more! Especially on the pregnant part...

Blissey1

Blissey1 #6 · May 25th, 2014 · 8 · ·

The mare’s sex was already dropping in anticipation

she should probably see a doctor about that :p

AnonponyDASHIE

AnonponyDASHIE #7 · May 25th, 2014 · 2 · ·

This story was a good start, and had some decent emotional exploration, but there's a few areas that could really use some more work. I noticed a lot of issues with using the wrong word, especially concerning homophones (words that sound the same, but are spelled differently). Other than those, there weren't too many spelling and grammar mistakes though.

The relationship sometimes felt a little forced, but I rather enjoyed Rainbow's frankness and bravado in much of the story. Try to work a bit more on really doing a buildup of emotion and really showing why they care for each other instead of just telling us that.

Behold, clop for the sake of clop!

If that's what you considered this to be, then you'll really need to work on the clop. It was very short, and lacked even basic detail, sensation, and emotion. Until I read that comment, I had honestly simply assumed that the clop was thrown in as an afterthought since most of it doesn't last more than a couple of sentences. If you want to get better, there's lots of things you can do, but the best is to read plenty of good clop stories through with a critical eye and watch how they use detail, all of the senses, sound, action & response, dialogue, and variety of action. Think about what really makes a great sensual scene, and what immerses you as a reader. Once you feel you have a good grasp on that, just keep writing more and more and you'll find it becoming better and better.

twidashloverxox

twidashloverxox #8 · May 25th, 2014 · · ·

Murrrrrrrrr

Maybe in a possible chapter 2 you could introduce Luna into the group 3somes are better than 2somes

twidashloverxox

twidashloverxox #9 · May 25th, 2014 · · ·

4441148 agreed even more

Anyne

Anyne #10 · May 25th, 2014 · 1 · ·

your wings and plot.”

The Abyss

The Abyss #11 · May 25th, 2014 · · ·

4443811

If that's what you considered this to be, then you'll really need to work on the clop. It was very short, and lacked even basic detail, sensation, and emotion. Until I read that comment, I had honestly simply assumed that the clop was thrown in as an afterthought since most of it doesn't last more than a couple of sentences. If you want to get better, there's lots of things you can do, but the best is to read plenty of good clop stories through with a critical eye and watch how they use detail, all of the senses, sound, action & response, dialogue, and variety of action. Think about what really makes a great sensual scene, and what immerses you as a reader. Once you feel you have a good grasp on that, just keep writing more and more and you'll find it becoming better and better.

Damn, you beat me to it. I was just about to say the exact same thing.

articunos bitch

articunos bitch #12 · May 25th, 2014 · · ·

This hardly qualifies as clop, fortunately I'm not here for the clop. Articuno approves, and she is looking forward to much longer pregnant clop scenes in the sequel. I could ask how Twilight had time to make semen during her brief time as a stallion, but maybe she was turned into one who had been producing semen for years? Dunno.

LordBrony2040

LordBrony2040 #13 · May 25th, 2014 · 1 · ·

4444906

Check the squeal. That's one of the questions Twilight actually asks himself in his HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN moment and its the question that the fic is meant to leave the readers asking in a science VS magic argument about Twilight getting Dash pregnant.

Science guy: Twilight could have only of had a few million sperm! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE!

Magic guy: She just got turned into a 100% He like she was always a he! IT'S MAGIC, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE IMPOSSIBLE!

sarkodine

sarkodine #14 · May 25th, 2014 · · ·

4444923 denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw1791_small.png

BronyPonyMan

BronyPonyMan #15 · May 27th, 2014 · · ·

so, while i do like this story and it's sequel, am i the only one who feels that the sex needs some major improvement? the story is good, but the sex scenes, which i would assume should take up a good part of the story itself, are extremely short and vague.

aCB