If a pony were to look at Room 13, they would say the room was like any others in this area of the hospital.
White.
White walls, doors, curtains, bed, the machinery, even the white mare standing by the bed. The only thing that stood out among all the white was the azure mare laying in the bed. This mare was ‘The Great and Powerful’ Trixie. It had been thirty-four days since Trixie was admitted to the long-term treatment center. Thirty-four days since her surgery. Thirty-four days since she was beaten within an inch of death.
The silence of the room was broken as the door slowly opened, revealing a tall red and black unicorn stallion wearing a doctor’s coat. He was known as Dr. Horspun, the head of the long-term treatment center. Horspun broke the silence as he drew near. “How is she, Flitter?” he asked calmly, looking down at his comatose patient.
The nurse looked at her clipboard of notes and nodded. “Everything seems to be in order. I expect her to wake up soon,” she replied with a small smile. “She looks so sweet right now… I still can’t believe somepony would do this to her.”
“Hmm… yeah, I suppose,” he said as he flipped through his clipboard of papers in a distant manner.
They both stood there in silence for a few seconds before turning to leave. “So, nopony has showed up to claim her?” Nurse Flitter asked as they exited the room.
The doctor shook his head. “Not yet. I probably shouldn’t just throw her out on the street when she gets better. Look what happened last time she was out there. Celestia knows she’ll be weak and frightened after this whole ordeal,” Horspun explained with a sigh. “We’ll just have to see how she turns out when she wakes up, I suppose,” he added, entering his office. As he walked to his chair he couldn’t help but groan in frustration.
I hate when this kind of thing happens. It never ends well for me, he thought as he took a seat. Well, I suppose we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. He opened his desk with a sigh, grabbing another patient file. I guess there’s no rest for the wicked
………………………………….
Nurse Flitter walked towards the lounge area, looking forward to a well deserved break when she was cut off by a yellow coated pony with a blue mane and a scalpel cutie mark. This mare happened to be Flitter’s best friend, Dr. Twinkle. The two had been friends since they were little fillies, and when they each received cutie marks dealing with medicine, they continued being best friends through school. Eventually they both got a job working in the same ward.
“Slow day, huh, Flitter?” she asked.
“Thankfully. The past few weeks have been rough on us. Y’know?” Flitter replied, earning a sigh in agreement.
“I’m just glad we get a break,” Twinkle stated as she walked into the lounge. The two were greeted by several other staff members as they made their way towards the coffee pot. “So, how’s Trixie?” she asked with a sideways glance.
The nurse smiled as she poured herself a cup of coffee. “She’s gotten loads better,” she said, looking at her friend. “We expect her to wake up any day now.”
“That’s good. When are you scheduled to visit her next?” Twinkle asked curiously.
Flitter took a sip of coffee and sighed happily. “In an hour, actually. Why? Do you wanna come with?”
“Well, seeing as I’ve yet to actually meet her, I’d love to.” And with that the two grew silent and enjoyed the peaceful breeze that entered from the window.
………………………………..
Where am I?
That was the first thought to enter the mare’s head as she slowly opened her eyes. She lay there, staring at the ceiling in confusion. What’s going on? I can’t remember. My name. What’s my name?
Sudden realization hit her like a ton of bricks. I can’t remember anything!
Her heart began to race, filling with fear and panic. Oh no! What’s that sound? As she frantically searched for the rapid beeping noise, she suddenly felt fear when she noticed all the machinery hooked up to her. Her anxiety spiked, and she felt a sharp pain in her chest.
“Urgh!” she cried in pain, rolling in agony. As the pain in her chest began to subside, the mare lay there gasping for air. I have to get out of here! But where do I go? I know nothing about myself… Who am I? she asked herself repeatedly, her despair growing with each moment.
As she finally rolled off the bed onto her hooves, an incredible pain shot up her forelegs from the impact. Ignoring the pain, she ripped the leads from her body. The mare slowly limped towards the door, fear of what waited on the other side growing with each step. With one final breath, she opened the door, stepping into a mysterious hallway. As her eyes adjusted to the sudden change in light, her heart stopped as she came face to face with two unknown mares.
Flitter and Twinkle stood there, surprise etched on their faces as they looked at the mare they were currently going to check on. Their surprise turned to concern when they noticed the confusion on Trixie’s face. The injured mare backed away in fear, staring at the strangers in front of her. “Wh-Who are you? Where am I? Please don’t hurt me!” she pleaded with a sob, backing into the bed frame.
With a gentle smile, Flitter stepped forward, only to stop after seeing her patient recoil. “It’s okay dear, you’re safe. This is Manehattan hospital.” Flitter spoke with a gentle and caring voice. Confusion replaced the frightened look on her face.
“Manehattan hospital? I don’t understand. Why?” she asked in confusion, fear slowly ebbing away.
“You don’t remember? You must have been unconscious for most of it. Well, it’s okay now. Your injuries, for the most part, are almost healed,” Twinkle chimed in with a rough yet gentle voice.
Flitter gently helped the still-confused mare onto the bed. “Can you stay here, Trixie? I’ve got to go inform Dr. Horspun that you’ve woken up,” she said as she turned to leave.
“Trixie? I-Is that my name?”
Upon those words, both mares froze up with the same thought crossing their minds. Oh crap!
………………………………………..
Without you - one night alone
Is like a year without you, baby
Do you have a heart of stone?
Without you - can't stop the hurt inside
When love & hate collide
Dr. Horspun sang, spinning with his front hooves in the air, completely oblivious to the new occupant in his office.
“You do not do that song justice!” cried Twinkle with a barking laugh, causing Horspun to jump in surprise.
“I told you to knock!” he screamed with a blush on his face, annoyed at the laughing doctor on the ground. After a few more minutes of gut busting laughs, the mare finally remembered why she came.
“Oh! I almost forgot, Flitter sent me to grab you. Trixie woke up earlier,” she said, slowly growing serious. “There’s just one problem… she has no idea who she is.”
Horspun looked at her with malice. “Why? Why can I never get a break?” He whined quietly. Horspun grabbed his clipboard and rushed towards Trixie’s room. She could have woken up perfectly fine, but no, she had to have amnesia!
Horspun found himself in front of Room 13 once again. As he entered, he saw his nurse consoling the confused-looking mare. At the sound of the door opening, Trixie hid herself shyly behind Flitter.
“It’s okay, Trixie. Dr. Horspun is here to explain a few things,” Flitter said with a supportive smile.
Trixie looked up at Horspun with a nervous frown. “H-Hello,” she stuttered out, looking at the floor.
“Well, I won’t be too long. I just wanted to clear a few things up,” Horspun said, pulling out his clipboard. “Seeing as you are still injured, we will be holding you in the hospital for a little while. Eventually, we will move you towards the front of the hospital, where you’ll have access to the garden out front,” he said with a forced smile. “You’ll be free to leave in a week, if you wish, or you could stay in the amnesiac ward as you get back on your hooves.” With that, he turned and left.
“Don’t mind him, Trixie. He was never much of a talker,” Flitter said with a roll of her eyes.
“Trixie… I like that name. It’s pretty,” Trixie whispered, smiling at the comfort of the name.
The comfort of her name...
Not bad. Interesting premise. Will be interesting to see how the others react to this. Can you hold someone responsible for things they can't remember?
Grammar is off in a few places, but not terribly so. Pretty good.
4463365 Thanks for the feedback, I'll make sure to go through it once more and fix the mistakes. Glad you enjoyed ^^
I like Trixie amnesia stories (as long as it gets finished). I like Twixie, but I'm glad a different ship is going to be launched. Maybe Trixshy (my favorite)? Or perhaps Derpxie? In any case, I am going to start reading now.
that was surprisingly intersting... need to work on the grammar and wording a bit, but still a pretty good start.........
that doctor is an asshole.
Okay, good premise here. I think I'll stick around and see where you take Best Pony/Trixie.
4463421 I plan to finish this ;P and as for ships, who knows, maybe I'll risk a triple ship.
4463429 Thanks for the feedback ^^ I'll be sure to work on that in the future.
Isn't he though?
4463452 Thanks ^^ Glad you enjoyed it!
Okay, now that I finished reading I can say I like it. I am curious as to how she will end up in Ponyville. I want to see the reactions of the Mane Six went they hear what happened to her since last they saw her. I hope the bastard(s) that did this to her gets what they deserve.
4463549 ;) Well, let's hope they do. But thanks ^_^ glad you enjoyed it!
Good start. I say just write the story and see if any "ship" come out . This story would be just fine without one.
I hope you mean six mares and a dragon. Spike is a much bigger part of her memories in Ponyville than Fluttershy and Pinkie are, not to mention has a stronger opinion of her than most of the mane six.
4463645 Maybe I'll ask the readers what they'd like. Or maybe a couple chapters in I'll decide on no ships. Thanks for the feedback ^^ I'll keep it in mind.
4463691 xD You're right. I'll fix it right away :P
Well... I sure am looking forward for more! I can tell it's going to be a great story.
4464924 Thanks! Glad you enjoy it so far! ^^
4464927 There's no need to thank me. I'm just saying what I really think. I, however, need to thank you for writing this story.
.. if i can get a tip, refering to trixie as trixie at the start there is oddly cofnusing. she does not know who she is after all.
4464940 Thanks again! haha glad you like it!
4464957 You think so? I suppose what I was thinking was something along the lines of us already knowing who she is. Ya know?
4465317 true, but if you didn't it would emphasize just how out of it Trixie is, that we know who she is but she sure as hell does not.
In the story description, it says:
It should be too instead of to.
4465822 I may be a little confuzled, do you mean Trixie referring to herself as Trixie? Or just calling her Trixie in general?
4465861 OH! Thanks for pointing that out for me ^^ fixed it.
Not going to be a Twixie huh? Poor Twinkle, her hopes have already been smashed.
4466983 xD You know it!
4466227 calling her trixie when the point of view switched to her. as it is her point of view, she has no manner to dientify her self as she lacks her memories. she would not know herself as trixie. refering her in a more vague manner would emphasize that she has lost her name and memories. WE would probably figure out she is trixie quickly, but the point is to create the scene. calling her trixie again afterwards, after her name is revealed to her once more, is okay cause now she has a name again.
A fic about best pony? I must read this!!
4467545 Meh, no one else has an issue with it ... I'll let it be for now.
4468269 See! You get it!
4468276 shrugs. it was good. simply saying how it might be better. cool either way..............
4468297 I get you, and thanks ^^ you could always proofread for me before I post another chapter if you want, feel free to message me.
-> Should be "gets"
Only mistake that I've seen, I love it so far and I'm curious to see how this will work out for Trixie!
Oh this will be interesting.
Ive not read an amnesia Trixie story before, I wonder where you will take it.
Nice little interactions between the doctors and nurses, I like reading things like that.
Poor confused and scared Trixie, nopony deserves that indeed.
I think you did a wonderful job on her scene, i feel so bad for her. At least she seems a bit more okay toward the end, hiding behind Nurse Flitter was adorable.
If it ever gets to that point... My 'vote' is on Nurse Flitter.
Dr. Horspun... Horspun... Horse pun... I see what you did there.
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121221124338/adventuretimewithfinnandjake/images/e/e8/I_see_what_you_did_there.jpg
Hope Trixie will be awesome here when she gets her memory back. All Hail Mighty Illusionisto!
4470027 Thanks ^^ Glad you enjoyed it, I'll fix it don't worry :3
4470082 As much as I enjoy Flitter, I kinda just made her for the sake of the story. I'll probably make the friends at least.
4470139 I couldn't resist. The temptation was too much.
4470158 How could she not be? She is amazing after all.
4470656
That sounds like fun too.
4470690 Though I'm having trouble deciding what ship I Really want to do, maybe I'll give her a harem. ;P
4470697
Having Trixie date all of Twi's friends, except Twi herself, would be a pretty funny mindbuck.
4470707
Perhaps I'll do it >.> Besides, Trixie deserves it
4470747
We were only messing around right? Because that would be pretty darn hard to write outside of comedy I think.
Actually, ofcourse we are. I dunno why I didnt see the Trollestia icon before. Scratch that. xD
4470763
xD I'm not nearly a skilled enough writer yet. Although, a triple ship doesn't sound too bad.
please dont let this be cliche as fuck. where trixie sees one of the mane 6 and just falls in love or what not they get repetitive and boring
4471154 Oh no, I would never forgive myself if that were to happen. xD
4471163 so you are not going to rush things? EXCELLENT hava favourite
4471208 Well thanks mate ^^ glad you've enjoyed it so far!
This feels a bit rushed as it is. Just my two cents, but I feel that could have been a bit more drawn out for effect. For instance, give Trixie more opportunity to explore before anyone notices and make her initial reaction to the machines and lines less drastic. Why would she rip out a bunch of IVs? Also, a prelude might be appropriate here, showing us some or all of what happened to Trixie beforehand. For the sake of a better story, you might consider not referring to her as Trixie at all until they tell her that/she comes to that conclusion.
Generally, I'd advise spelling out numbers instead of putting numbers directly in the text, since, at least in my opinion, they are somewhat anti-immersion. So instead of putting '34', you would put 'thirty-four' and so on. You should get someone to go over this for proofreading/grammar, unless you intend yourself. As it stands (having just read chapter one), it feels like you threw it down on paper and submitted it shortly thereafter.
See below for an examples of the sort of changes I mean above, and some other suggestions:
purple = added words, orange = changes, red = fixes
I'd leave out the line in blue altogether since it's very sort of narrator telling us something and a bit unnecessary as that detail will be revealed to the reader shortly inside the confines of the story.
Couple of quick notes on the below:
Shouldn't it be helping her -back- into the bed? Especially since she was in it before. Also, wouldn't it be "Please stay here..." given that can implies a question of ability not someone's willingness. Also "I've got to go inform..." doesn't sound like something anypony would say out loud, but rather a internal conversation with herself. I'd expect her to say something more like "I'll let Dr. Horspun know you've woken up.".
Just a couple of things with the grammar I've noticed.
When addressing someone there should be a comma separating the name from the rest of the phrase, and "he" doesn't need to be capitalized here because it is still part of the same sentence.
Where you are using a period here you should instead use a comma because you are not actually ending a sentence.
I really like the premise of this story and the characterization, but it could definitely benefit from some proofreading. As others have noted, the pacing is a bit rushed, and there are some grammar issues.
Aside from that, though, very nice work!
You've done it! You dispensed with all pretense and just outright named a character "Dr. Horspun." You are awesome!
Trixie beaten to within an inch of her life? Hot damn, where do I sign?
The narration was adequate until you started Trixie's point of view. From this point, there was a lot of repetition, such as 'Trixie’s heart began to race' and 'As her heart began to skyrocket' in short succession, the entire sentences 'Trixie slowly limped towards the door, fear of what’s on the other side growing with each step. As she approached the door she slowly reached for the doorknob, fear of what awaits her on the other side.' or the word 'pain' when she starts suffering.
I'm wondering if you should replace all the 'Trixie' in her narration with pronouns, since she doesn't remember her own name. The readers should deduce instantly whose point of view it is and Trixie herself learns her name soon afterwards, so you don't have to do that in the next chapters.
I suggest you read about said tags. Also keep the same tense throughout the story instead of mixing present and past.
Whom does Horspun refer to in 'Look what happened last time'? Trixie or a previous, unlucky patient?
I liked Horspun's '“Why? Why can I never get a break?”'
Corrections;
'It has been 34 days' should be 'It had been 34 days' I suggest to change '34' to 'thirty-four', it breaks immersion less. 'Room 13' should stay the same though, since there's a big, fat '13' on the door.
'He is known as Dr.Horspun' should be 'He was known as Dr.Horspun'
'Horspun broke the silence as he drew near.' flows better than 'As Horspun drew near he broke the silence.'
'I expect her to wake up soon.” She replied with a small smile.' should be 'I expect her to wake up soon,” she replied with a small smile.' as per the said tags,
'I still can’t believe somepony would do this to her.” She added with a small sigh.' should be 'I still can’t believe somepony would do this to her,” she added with a small sigh.' for the same reasons,
add a comma after 'when she wakes up' in '“We’ll just have to see how she turns out when she wakes up I suppose.”'
'It never ends well for me.” He thought as he took a seat.' should be 'It never ends well for me,” he thought as he took a seat.'
change the first period for a 'when' in 'Nurse Flitter was walking towards the lounge area, looking forward to a well deserved break. She was cut off by a yellow coated pony with a blue mane and had a Scalpel cutie mark.'
'Eventually the both got a job working in the same ward.' should be 'Eventually they both got a job working in the same ward.'
you don't need to write 'her friend asked' in '“Slow day, huh Flitter?” Her friend asked.' You've already said they were friends, and the use of Flitter's name makes it obvious who is speaking. 'she asked' is enough there,
samewise, change 'Flitter commented to her friend' to 'she replied'
add a comma after 'love to' in 'I’d love to Flitter.'
'That was the first thought to enter Trixies head' should be 'That was the first thought to enter Trixie's head'
'“On no! What’s that sound?”' should be '“Oh no! What’s that sound?”'
'You must have be unconscious for most of it.' should be 'You must have been unconscious for most of it.'
'“Can you stay here Trixie, I’ve got to go inform Dr.Horspun you’ve woken up.” She said as she turned to leave.' should be '“Can you stay here Trixie? I’ve got to go inform Dr.Horspun you’ve woken up,” she said as she turned to leave.'
and
'She could have woke up perfectly fine' should be 'She could have woken up perfectly fine'
When you have Amnesia you don't flip out you just feel calm to a standard and well have an empty feeling. still rather good story im gonna finish it
You awesome, awesome, AWESOME person, you!
Leaning towards Trixity/Rarixie myself, since that's a pairing that hasn't been done much.
Love the beginning so far. *Keeps reading*
Missing a period at the end.
Liking this first chapter and I am curious to see how it will turn out. Also, I hope you don't mind I added it to my new group focused on stories with Amnesia or other forms of memory loss.