- Member Since 19th May, 2013
- offline last seen Sep 14th, 2017
Darkryt Orbinautz
Still slowly trying to disentangle from MLP. It is ... slow going.
Darkryt Orbinautz
Joined 19th May, 2013 ·
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Close to it, though it won't be an exact match for every one of them.
Thing is, I didn't even realize how much overlap there was until you asked.
I'd suggest you to find a proof-reader/editor. The story seems interesting, but the writing is a little hard to look at:
There are a few missing words in many sentences.
World-discrepancies, like why are Celestia and Twilight wearing real world tipycal clothes if they come from the fantasy world of Equestria?
Inconcistencies, like why is Celestia wearing Greek robes and Twilight wears Asian robes?
Redundancy; "Oriental Asian robe"? Really?
And the narrative is more of a tell "rather" than "show", when it should be "Show, don't Tell".
I honestly keep jumping in and out of the chapter because I keep cringing at the way this story is currently written. And I haven't even gotten to the good part!
I'm saying this in the nicest way possible, and I'm in no way trying to attack you in a personal level. If you could improve the writing and narration, enjoying this story would be a lot much easier.
6090222
I will say is that I wasn't sure about the "Oriental Asian" line for a while, because I kept being unsure if "Oriental" by itself was enough or if I should specific, though the more I think about it, the more I realize what else would Oriental be referring to?
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"Eastern" would also have worked, but again, there are many issues regarding the clothing of both Equestrians.
1) Equestria has been portrayed in canon as an american-ish society, and in humanized fanworks this was either translated to american-style clothing or turning it around and give humanized characters a medieval-style fashion. That's the most frequent at least.
2) Also, as I said, stating that Celestia and Twilight have Greek and Eastern clothes, when they come from Equestria, where those countries and continents don't exist, makes it look like you have a lack of understanding of the show and the world they live in.
3) And Finally, if Celestia and Twilight come from the same realm, wouldn't make more sense that they're dressed in the same fashion? They are both from Equestria, yet they have different clothing styles.
Point 1) is not a big deal; just because you're doing something different than what everybody does isn't a bad thing. On the contrary, it shows originality.
Point 2) can be fixed by simply getting rid of names and words that explicitly state real life locations. One way of doing so is simply by describing what they're wearing. Here's an example:
It requires a little work, yes, but it is worth it.
Point 3) is sort of a nitpick, but it is really a big one, because it presents an inconcistency. You'd have to commit to make both women dressed in the same fashion style, either Togas or Yukatas/Kimonos (Without saying any location names).
Also, emphasis in "Show, don't Tell"
You are telling to much, without actually showing anything. "Inner monologues", "Trains of thought", Character's emotions, those are things that need to be told. Everything else, show it.
I could still point out more things, like Celestia's dress breaking apart simply because it is wet, which makes no sense because it isn't made of paper, but I don't want to be overly mean to you.
EDIT: I'm sorry, but I simply can't bear to keep looking at this writing.
Moar please
I eagerly await the next chapter.
You might be suprised at how many people would have accepted an explanation tying to the use of magic in the world's technology...because STEAMPUNK BITCHES!!!!
Interesting decision of how Tali would defeat Rarity.
We approve!
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Well, maybe they would accept it, but I would still see it as a cop out.
Very good I really enjoyed the second chapter, I'm glad you added the back story for the sword instead of coming out of the blue like it was in the first chapter. Rarity was my favorite part of this chapter seeing her slimy tentacles quickly slam the door really set the suspense. the way you description her in such vivid detail I am very impressed. Your love scenes are also very good the lengths you went though is worth it you used an analogy of comparing Rarity sampling Talis juices to a drink or desert that would have been perfect. I enjoy Talis lust induced fantasy though I would gave enjoy it more if you gave Fluttershy a more active role in that scene is she just watching? is she pleasing Rarity while coiling around Talis? we may never know.
I enjoyed the conclusion though Rarity had the upperhand she is a lady of her word and giving Talis a parting gift to boot, I would enjoy a alternate ending senerios for this story
Im pleased to see this becoming more frequently updated. Cant wait for more.
This chapter is very detailed the actions in this chapter reminded me of anime. So beautifully and flashy, how you had me lock in wonder a ghostly spectator to the climactic battle. This is difficult for people to pull a fight scene, and you nailed it, Your mastery over imagery is telling I'm at a lost for words,. Rainbow Dash really blew me away in this chapter, no pun intended she was savage and cruel and cocky. like Fluttershy and Rarity before her she is a beautifully depicted but while Fluttershy had innocence and Rarity had classic Rainbow Dash is arrogant sarcastic and down right savage but That is an an allure in itself.
Hmm another challenger wanders into the maze, is he a hero as he proclaims himself to be or a foolish dreamer A foil to the hero a shadow has appeared.
Ah that is an unusual dream something I have never thought of before in all my years of lewdness, you have suprised me. Now I shall have pleasant dreams tonight.
Whelp, one of three gone.
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Mmm, not necessarily. She did state clearly that she could keep them around for as long as she wanted. I suspect Fernand got the better deal however. Let's hope he drinks lots of fluids to replace all that he's gonna be losing between Rarity and Rainbow Dash.
Still got two more to go. For a moment, I was certain when there was the huge tree, we'd find AJ. But having seen Pinkie as a spider-thing, now I have no idea what form AJ will choose... as the destructor!
My proofreader was of the opinion this was somehow relevant to this passage. Can't say I disagree with him.
This story just keeps getting better and better. I enjoyed the sexually encounter between Tali and Pinkie it was something that caught me entirely by surprise. It was new and different a risk that is well appreciated. Aww Rainbow Dash has grown on me even more she is quite adorable when she has simmered down.
Now for the complaint it was not a very bright idea to have a sword fight when three inhuman guardians are chasing after you one of which is on a cloud. Tails didn't have to challenge Garth to a fight that was consuming valuable time. Oh Sir Garth your quite the lucky man to blessed with such a fitting reward. I am so enivous
I agree there is a lack of sexy lamia on this site here :(
He...mated with a centaur I must say about damn time, I thought he couldn't sink any lower but he did oh thank you Darkty this will do just fine. Aww there should have been a split roast >.> I find it touching with the motherly bound between him and Apple Jack I could became a fan of this ship.
Yes the whole mother dying piece could have worked without the need to diverge with a backstory he could have told AppleJack that and then go into the flashback. Very good story the pacing was slow due to that flashback.
AppleJack seems more motherly of the two Fluttershy is deceptively cruel hiding it behind a gentle facade
Now it may just be because it's mah thing, but you should consider doin more with Flutternaga. Maybe a side thing or something. But I really loved that idea. Maybe a bonus chapter of Flutters torturing Garth, mayhaps.
Also, oh relax about the human in Equestria thing. Sure it gets a bad rap, but mostly because it's self-insert makes out with all the mane 6. Basically, a glorified "Yeah, I banged all the mane 6 and are their best friend and their husbando and saved Eque-" scenario. This aint that. They CAN be done without being boring as crap. This was enjoyable.
Well, I'm glad to see this story finally reach "completed" status. I enjoyed it!
Admittedly, though, I thought the last chapter seemed a bit rushed, as I assumed Twilight and Celestia would each get their own chapters for the end, but that's just me being nit-picky.
Got to admit, the ending was kind of... I don't know, felt like it was missing something? Like it was resolved too quickly? I'm not sure why, but compared to the rest, I just felt somewhat dissatisfied.
She probably forgot she could shapeshift. After all, it sounds like something Pinkie might do
.
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Well, I did write With Honeyed Claws, which does involve Flutternaga. She's not as cruel there, and she doesn't swallow people with her chest*, but it's there.
*she does swallow people, but with her mouth
7157487
See, I knew something was off about it, but I just couldn't figure out what it was.
7157487 Well that's where non canon fan fics come in now we have the freedom to pen a new tale. Or hopefully.
Though the ending felt incomplete I am perfectly fine with it. This story is beautifully written I loved the action and sexiness of it all, this Celestia of yours and as well as your guardians have won me over greatly you made Twilight a true work of art she had power, speed and cunning, she broke the character's luck streak and stood as the ultimate hurdle.
Now there is one thing that could be forgiven but just curiosity, "Why didn't she remember Talis I mean Celesta was going on and on about how cute Talis was I find it hard to believe she would have forgotten in just a few days.. Next Where is Discord he was strangely absent from the celebration was this intentional?
Spike seemed like a after thought a comeo like Aqua man in the latest DC movie.I mean his role was so small he could have been written out I feel like it was forgettable
Now just mindless ranting I thought each of the guardians would have had their own quality time with the hero but only Rainbow and Twilight were left out of the fun.
We immensely enjoyed this story. The writing was fantastic, yet the ending felt slightly to quick, but that may have just been Us not wanting it to end. If thou wish to make a sequel, We will support thou completely.
7160353 Twilight slightly acknowledges that bit. She does mention that she has a crap load of men she's taken and Twilight is trying to put somewhat of a stop to that. Twilight was most likely using that as an excuse to scare off or take Tali out before Celestia could take another one.
7160353
Oh, yeah, that.
7211605
I suppose you could say that.
My authorial intent was that, while Twilight was/is devoted to Celestia, and she would 'capture' whatever male Celestia wanted, that for one, they traveled a lot, so Twilight makes the vow to capture those men the next time she sees them ... and then never sees them again, so Tali would a statistical anomaly in having Twilight lay eyes on him more than once. And also that to Twilight's dismissive, haughty viewpoint, Tali was such a non-entity that while she did promise Celestia that, she made no effort to memorize Tali's face or features.
But we all know how much authorial intent is worth, don't we?