After experiencing the joys of being inflated with her own music, Vinyl Scratch decides to return the favor to Octavia by allowing her the chance to blimp and bloat up. The problem? Vinyl has negleicted to TELL Octavia about this. Rage based chasing ensues.
Cover art, like last time, belongs to http://necronomikat.deviantart.com/
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Cute, but the inflation needs better details and there needs to be better humor. I like the idea of a blimped-out Octavia though.
I see what you did there.
5441312
>Ocatvia then gave a final
-Small error.
Heh... decided to give a quick opinion.
The 'base' idea was good. The execution on the other hand... well... with the anger, and crying, and sadness, and other fast-paced negative reactions...
It was getting a bit awkward/uncomfortable, by the end. Which make the end also uncomfortable, instead of 'Fun and Pleasant'.
(Also, I don't get Apple Bloom being ''punished'' as well ? She, as far as we can imagine in MLP:FiM, legally sold merchandise *available* in Zecora's shop... What others do with it is not of the seller's business. It's not like she sold a gun or poison or anything. It's like condemning a 'tricks and jokes shop' for selling a buzzer to a child, because the buzzer's ''target'' happened to have an heart-attack.)
5484611 Firstly, thanks for all the comments (will put those corrections on my to-do list at some point)! Sorry the ending didn't work out for you, and you might be on to something about the more darker emotions messing with the tone I was going for (its something I'll try and keep in mind for future stories regardless, so thanks there). As for Apple Bloom getting punished, truthfully I can't quite recall the reason why I chose that path, it just seemed like the thing to do. Made more sense in my head at the time, but thanks for pointing that out to me anyways, no matter how much I wish I could come up with some sort of rebuttal or justification.
5487809 I suppose Apple Bloom's punishment could have been put in a better context, which would probably have been easier to do if not for the (as you said) ''more darker emotions messing with the tone''.
The whole thing is a bit like a Tetris game. You could say that, because of the current 'tone', a ''hole'' was made that prevented a smoother, more fun/pleasant, experience.
5492003 Very true, certainly something to think about if I ever get around to doing revisions one day.