This stories is redone and continued in: The Student of Sun and Shadow
King Sombra's attempt to reconquer the Crystal Empire may have been thwarted, and he himself cast back into the shadows, but it will take more that that to stop a being who endured a 1000 year of imprisonment in ice and darkness. Especially now that he has set his sights on a new conquest. Twilight Sparkle's effort to save the Crystal Empire may have gone unrecognized, but not by Sombra. She has earned his interest, and his admiration. The implications of which Twilight fails to appreciate. And will regret.
This story was inspired by the fan comic A Somber Meeting by Omny87
Chapters (6)
Intriguing and rather well executed. Bar the few errors here and there, I enjoyed it well enough
I always like these internal monolouge-style stories. And this was a very well written one.
I know of the other
that you speak of, and I agree with you. If you think you can do a better job at continuing the story line then they did I will be sure to give you a chance.
It is a good start with lots of potential. It will be interesting to see where you go from here.
It would seem that I have been a chance. And an obligation. I am glad. Motivation, whether from spite, inspiration, or from a promise, is motivating nonetheless.
As such, I am pleased to announce that I will be posting the next chapter shortly. I just need to fix to errors of my ways. By which I mean my writing ways. There are lots of errors. Errors like weeds. They keep popping up. And it is only fitting that I hold myself to the same standards by which I judge others.
I hope not to disappoint. That is not my intention.
I thank you, my first three, and only, commentators. Your comments please me. Especially yours,
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the confidence of your insight is intriguing. And amusing.
Honey oozes more than flows, in my opinion.
And you're kind of screwed in terms of audience if you're only taking things seriously now. The initial submission is your best chance for attention.
Just as good as the first chapter. Please continue this.
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I am not sure how to interpret your comment.
It looks like a criticism. But feels like a complement.
4712064 It was a complement
Oh and u have a cool profile picture too.
Wow.
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Such a silly comment. What have I need for an audience of quantity, when it is one of quality that I value? I need not the attention of many, but the support of a few.
I speak of you three,
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You are making my efforts worthwhile.
The purpose of this story is for me experiment with and assert my writing style. As well as for my personal catharsis. And then there is the chance that I might do a good story justice.
As for the purpose of this response. It is really more a long winded and convoluted way of saying: Of course honey doesn't flow.
4712852 It's deep, please continue
You have my attention, eager to see where you take it
Okay, so the next chapter is finished. But I won't post it for another day or so, sorry (not really). Followed by the next chapter which I have yet to write. I have considered combining the chapters. But I won't. It comes down to my methodology. Each chapter I have written thus far, has been written in one sitting, then revised subsequently.
The reason for the modest delay is because I believe this story is transcending a mere act of spite, and to continue calling it such would be an injustice in itself. Not that it will stop me from giving the author that inspired it a metaphoric 'up yours' if the story start to really take off. Also, if the story continues to grow, a total revision may be necessary for more than continuity's sake. In addition, I need to brush up on my grammar. If I am going to continue butchering the English language I might as well be surgical about it.
As for my certainty of the following chapter's subsequent posting, it comes down to the fact that this story lives up to its name. But not its intended purpose. The mind being plagued is none other than my own. The story is a parasitic thought that feeds of my mind and writes itself. All I do is the typing. Aside from the migraines, I am quite content let it run amok. The process is proving to be prolific if not punctual.
It is certain that this story will continue to completion. Rest assured. Though, unless I become catatonic, I don't see an absolute end. As for now, I am unable to sleep and yet I must rest.
Yay, another chapter. I think I'll throw the whole one-sitting thing out the window. Otherwise the next chapter will be in many pieces. I am still debating whether I should still combine chapter two with three. But two is able to stand alone well enough. Though, if anything and to me at the least, it feels more like a transition than a chapter. I suppose I should be glad that the story is evolving despite my apathy, yet I cringe at the thought of enduring more migraines.
This is a good writing style and intriguing story. By using shorter sentences you can feel how frantic Twilight is becoming. Many authors fall into the trap of writing long sentences merely to try to impress the audience with their vocabulary and I am glad you have avoided that pitfall.
This is... very interesting. On one hand, Twilight fighting off corruption and temptation is indeed a nice theme but I'm thinking of an alternate saying... and a certain quote.
"Those who seek the dark cannot control it"
Darkness is best known for being destruction, hatred, sorrow, decay, chaos... and in a way, it is. But it is also potential, possibility, the basis and canvas for all other powers. Before Light, there is the Darkness of the void, and when Light ends, it returns to Darkness, which itself has potential to be Light anew. True control of dark magic, free of evil thought, is power beyond imagination. It is the power to manipulate the beginning and the end of things.
But though darkness is the perfect servant, it is the worst possible master. Sombra himself is the very proof of it ; those who seek the darkness, those are twisted enough to actually want to bathe in it, are incapable of controlling it. They are ultimately consumed by madness, evil, corruption.
And if one look at Equestria, at a world so saturated with Light, with Order that its very nature is stiffled and crippled, even the sun incapable of rising on its own without third party intervention, one has to wonder if there is something more Twilight could bring to it. Of course... this is given Twilight's mind is not consumed.
But beyond my musings on cosmology, there is the fact that Twilight must eventually face the reality of immortality and most importantly, accept her inner darkness. Grief, sorrow is a normal part of existence. Even as a mortal, she would have faced grief someday, as almost all souls do. What immortality do is simply removing the 'I will not live to see some of my loved ones die' excuse to avoid facing her grief and inner dark feelings.
If she cannot accept her grief, if she cannot find balance in her heart, if she come to the conclusion that immortality is a curse because she will see loved ones die, then she is doomed. If she cannot find a way to live with grief and to find happiness despite it, Twilight will destroy herself regardless of if Sombra manage to convince her to go along with his plans or not.
It's cool that u put zacora's line in the story
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You can see now why I favor the internal conflict as opposed to the external. Reality is finite compared to the limitlessness of the imagination.
By the way, I like how you described darkness as the power to manipulated the beginning and the end of things. It has the whole Tower of Babel feel to it, which I am loving. Your words are tempting to take. Or at least chew on.
Though it would seem our views don't completely coincide. And I would hope not. There is no fun in philosophy if we all were in agreement.
Hmmm....cadence...interested to see how she reacts
Whether an obligation is self-imposed or not, I intent to keep to them regardless. I said I would post the next chapter soon after the last, and so it has been done. That being said, the next chapter will not come so timely. I have fatigue myself, staying up to 4 am, night after night, has taken its toll (it is already midnight as I write this). My focus is becoming compromised and I have other obligations that I must indulge in. Obligation with long-term, and financial, consequences if not addressed. Thus I shall take a reprieve from writing. Not a long one mind you. I will probably have the next chapter done before next Thursday. Whether or not it will be posted at that time remains to be seen. I would like to start investing more time in editing. So far my editing as consisted in revisions conducted at around 2 in the morning. This story may have started as an act of smite and whimsy, but I want to give it the effort it deserves.
Wonderful execution of the story. The words are placed in a monologue I'm not quite comfortable with but the words flow in a way that gives me familiarity to. Wonderful, keep it up
I really like this writing style. I think I mentioned it before. We can really sense the confusion and frustration Twilight is feeling. Her thoughts indecisive and contradicting themselves at times. Her questions jumping from one topic to the next as quickly as she asked them. She's desperately searching for answers that can't be found. All of this gives an underlying anxiety to the whole thing, ready to explode at any moment.
Excellent chapter as always.
This was interesting, using the events of an episode to help further the story. The previous chapters were mostly restricted to Twilight's thoughts and inner-turmoil, giving only brief glimpses into the outside world. This chapter reminded us that while Twilight is seeking these answers she so desperately needs, the events of the show and Season Four are occuring.
I'm now interested to see how Tirek will fit into all of this...
My yes moniter is going off the charts!!! Make more my good sir!
4740872, always a pleasure hearing from you. Both your complements, and now your critique. I consider you my most loyal reader.
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Thanks. That's quite the compliment. I'm glad to have found this story.
This is interesting. Twilight feels that the concept of being friends with Cadence forever will hlp her with Sombra. Yet, what will happen once Shining Armor passes on?
Moar... and good job man
I have out-done myself in both the quality and quantity of my writing. I would say this is a good place to end. . . But I jest. I would never end this story. Not when it is getting good. I have decided to split it into parts so that I can give each part its individual attention.
As for now, I am hungry. So feed me feedback.
Why is this listed as complete? This is a story that needs to be continued. You have a very clear and interesting writing style, and this story has such depth and darkness that needs to be explored.
You're continuing this, correct? Because there is still a ton of stuff that can be done with it. This chapter, like the previous, was fantastic. You can really see Twilight's confidence breaking down throughout the chapter, to the point that by the end she is begging for answers and a way to make it stop. The little spark of doubt in her mind is stoked into a raging inferno by Sombra's words, as she realizes that unconciously, she wants to take him up on his offer. This mixture of anxiety and emotions leaves her a shattered wreck of self-doubt and moral questioning, and Sombra takes that as the answer he needs.
I loved this story, and can't wait to see what you have planned next.
Have a follower, my friend. You deserve it.
Uuuuuuuummmmm............................................................................SEQUAL?!
Thus is why Hasbro destroyed Sombra from taking the opprotunity to have a REAL villian.
You air somehow always to give me the chills
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I personally didn't like the source comic. I didn't like Sombra in it. It seems to me it was more pathetic that he had to resort to such measures. Either you make Sombra all the way manipulative or you make him aggressive.
But that's just me. I mean there hasn't been like any Sombras that I have liked so far... Except the source material... Weird. I don't know why I liked him so much. Oh and I am pretty sure he is Starwhirl the bearded from evil dimension (comic plot line). Though I have not personally read it, but I'll assume so until I hear otherwise.
Very Baldur's Gate, that last line.
Having read this, here's my opinion:
First, I like what you try and do with the italics and larger font words to add emphasis. Unfortunately, it's overused, especially in Chapter 1, and it ends up being more distracting than anything. The increased font is particularly noticeable when reading via mobile.
Second, you've got typos. For example, from Chapter 1:
Hummed is past tense, you want present tense. In this case, just "hum". Some names are wrong, too. You have "Pinky Pie" instead of "Pinkie Pie", "Ever-Free" instead of "Everfree", "Applebloom" instead of "Apple Bloom", and "Sweetie Bell" instead of "Sweetie Belle".
Chapter 5 in particular needs a proofreader badly. You've got typos like "every" instead of "ever", "destine" instead of "destined", and "your" instead of "you're", and you've got a lot of them.
Capitalization is a bit off, too. Random words have their first letter capitalized in some places when they shouldn't be.
Third. You overuse periods. I suspect it's a stylistic choice. Feels bland, though. Lacking energy. Doesn't feel like a story. Feels like we're just being told things. All tell. No show.
Fourth, you really haven't gotten far enough in the story, at least in my opinion, to really justify calling this Part 1 of whatever. In a multi-part epic, this would barely be a prologue. If I hadn't read your first comment on Chapter 4, I would have thought you were stopping and set the story to Complete instead of Cancelled.
Like all stories of this nature, I really want to like it, but it's just too unpolished in its current state.
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Thank you for your opinion. i can actually do something with this.
It is funny that you called my work unpolished. I've said my work could be a real gem if it could only be refined.
I have worried that messing with the font would be distracting, which is why I prefer increasing the size as to using italics. I find it more subtle. However, this observation is from desktop only. I was not aware that FimFiction had a mobile site. I don't think I can tailor my envisioned writing style to both view points.
You're right about this story not being long enough to be a part 1. If anything, I think it would be more fitting to call it a prototype story, or an experiment. The reason I didn't select "cancelled" is because I still want to continue writing it. It's just that I want to focus more on writing my own story than continuing Omny87's. In a sense, this story acts as that transition. So then, why not just start from scratch? Well, why reinvent the wheel, when you can build a bicycle?
Also, thanks for bothering to proofread and critiquing the entire story. This was some much needed feedback, even if it is a bit deflating.
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Can't say I am familiar with that reference. I hope it is a good one though.
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Well, you will now hear otherwise. Having read the said comic, I have a few things to say. One, like always, the comics sure knows how to throw a wrench into continuity. Two, Starswirl and Sombra were best friends. And three, I actually liked how Sombra's character got portrayed; it did a splendid job portraying him as a Tragic Hero. I'm still on the fence about the comic's choice of shipping though.
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Sorry about the intentionally vague post concerning this story's continuation. I am adding a link to a blog post on that topic at the end of Chptr. 4.
Here is a link.
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Well, in Baldur's it was the same parting words (minus the "and") in the protagonist's dream, said by a dead, evil god about how the protagonist would learn to embrace their dark powers and all that jazz.
I thought the similarities were notable.
Baldur's gate plot spoiler: Also, there was a Vader twist, but I guess that might not be the case here.
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I notice that you don't make mention of having an editor or proofreader on your blog or in the story. There's a few groups that offer editing services to aspiring writers; might I suggest you poke around and try and find one?
Scheduled Upcomings
I haven't forgotten.
I understand how you feel ; I started some of my stories the same way (though not in this fandom). This is especially notable if you start to notice flaws or other elements that don't hold up once your rage burn itself out. Or sometimes, you just want to distance yourself from the source material or noticed better plot bunnies.
(For example, in this fandom, the controversial misanthropic TCB cliched sub-setting, which once inspired me to make up snippets for a Kirby crossover. It eventually instead sparked ideas both for a more elaborate portrayal of Kirby villains for my fics in that fandom while, on the pony side, the characterization I gave characters inspired me to explore them in a non-crossover, non-human-involved AU involving an Equestria inhabited by changelings)
So I support you moving away from this story and can't wait to see how the 'purified' story will look like.