*CUCKOO*
Twilight blinked a few times at the sound and looked up from her books, craning her neck just in time to see the mechanical bird retreat into the clock mounted above her bed — the bed that she should have by all rights been in by this hour. "One AM... the Princess will be raising the sun in a few hours, but... I'm still not that tired," The studious unicorn thought out loud as she turned back to her books; there was no way a quiet voice could awaken Spike at this time of night, and she had let Owloysius out an hour ago to find some food.
Thinking of her number-two assistant's dinner made Twilight a touch squeamish; she knew it was all part of the natural order of things, but creatures eating other creatures still felt wrong to her, no matter what logic dictated. She still cursed her curiosity for the day that she had asked Fluttershy how she fed her more carnivorous patients. The answer she had gotten from the timid pegasus had given her terrible nightmares for a week.
Shaking her head as though it would clear the nastiness out of her mind, Twilight threw herself back into her evening's studies: cross-referencing historical mentions of advanced transformative spells with their modern counterparts. She began to hum to herself as she got back into her groove, a passage in the modern spellbook prompting her to flip carefully through the older, mustier tome with her magic in search of a reference she had seen earlier.
So engrossed was Twilight in her studies that she failed to notice when her aimless little tune picked up a second part, harmonising seamlessly with her own. It was only when Twilight paused for a moment and the humming continued that the oblivious mare realized a suddenly terrifying truth: she was not alone. She turned to her right, where her vision was abruptly filled with energetic blue eyes and poofy pink mane, and she did what any sensible pony would do in such a situation:
Jump into the air and scream like a little filly.
"Shh! You'll wake up Spike!" the pink intruder whispered loud enough to wake the sleeping dragon herself, and Twilight managed to calm herself enough to notice that her unexpected visitor wasn't a terrible book thief, but simply Pinkie Pie. Taking a few deep, relaxing breaths, Twilight took a quick survey of her surroundings; she quickly confirmed that both doors and windows were as sealed against the library-disorganizing power of the spring winds as they had been when she had let Owloysius out earlier.
"Pinkie, how did you get in here?" Twilight asked, managing to hide most of the irritation in her voice. It wasn't like she minded a visit from Pinkie — indeed, a part of her that she had been trying very hard to ignore for the past few months was ecstatic about seeing the pink party pony — but she could have done without the near heart attack.
"Well, I was trying to get a good night's sleep, 'cause the Cakes need me to open Sugarcube Corner all by my onesies tomorrow, but—"
Twilight interrupted with her best librarian's shush; by some Luna-granted miracle, Spike hadn't been woken up by either the unicorn's scream nor Pinkie's extreme whispers, and Twilight wanted to keep it that way.
"—oh, right, sorry! So where was I, oh, right, well, I was trying to sleep, but my ears kept a-twitching back and forth, like a metronome or a pendulum or those funny clacking-ball things that important big shot ponies put on their desks so they can play with toys even when they say, 'Oh, no, I'm too big and important to play with toys!' I mean, who are they trying to fool!? Anyway, the twitchy ears with the perfect rhythm, that means that somepony is up way too late! So I hopped out of bed and looked out my window, and sure enough, the only light on in all of Ponyville was at the library, so I came over here!"
Twilight brought a hoof to her face as Pinkie's explanation came to an abrupt and unsatisfying end. "Pinkie, that was 'why', not 'how'! And I'm not up too late." She shot a hoof towards her clock. "It's barely past one AM! I stayed up way later than this all the time when I lived in Canterlot."
"Well, no wonder you never had any friends before you came to Ponyville!" Pinkie exclaimed, nodding to herself as though some great truth had been revealed. "I mean, Luna wasn't around back then, so your only possible friends would have been terrible vampire ponies, and let's face it, with a name like Twilight Sparkle, you probably shouldn't hang out with vampires." As Twilight blinked at the strange leap Pinkie's logic had just taken, the energetic earth pony turned her attention to the books Twilight had been studying moments earlier. "So what ancient and forbidden knowledge is worth losing a comfy night's sleep over, huh?" she asked, no sarcasm detectable in her voice despite the words.
Twilight flustered for a second as Pinkie's sudden movement shoved her tail right in the unicorn's face, but the thought of losing her place in the books quickly got her brain working again. "Pinkie, be careful! I don't want to have to find my spot in those books again, and the one is very old and fragile." She breathed a sigh of relief as her words had the desired effect, Pinkie's snout only a hoof away from touching the older tome before it stopped. "Thank you, Pinkie. Now, I'm not sure if you'll understand this, but—"
"Hey!" Pinkie's tone was indignant as she looked back up at Twilight, faint tears visible in her blue eyes. "I may not be the smartest smartypants in the world like you, Twilight, but I'm not dumb! I—"
"No, I didn't mean it like that!" Twilight interrupted in a panic, mentally cursing herself for causing Pinkie Pie to almost cry. Placing a reassuring hoof on Pinkie's shoulder, Twilight gave her friend her most sincere smile. "Pinkie, you're very smart, and very perceptive. There's plenty you could teach me, alright?" Rubbing the tears out of her eyes, Pinkie nodded, a smile slowly returning to her lips. "All I really meant was that unicorn magic is very difficult to explain to a non-unicorn; it involves concepts that wouldn't even make sense to you. It would be, like... It would be like if you described a cake recipe to a pony who didn't know what baking was."
"What!?" Pinkie shouted, a horrified expression on her face. "There's a pony who doesn't know what baking is? Quick, Twilight, point me to this poor pieless pony, so that I..." A glare from Twilight made Pinkie trail off. "Oh, right, that was a metaphor, wasn't it?"
"A simile, actually, but yes."
Pinkie gestured to the older tome. "Well, if you want to be able to explain your spooky complicated unicorn magic to me, perhaps you should cast that spell." Blinking at Pinkie's sudden suggestion, Twilight walked back over to her books and began to read the ancient spell enshrined in the old tome's pages.
"Hmm... 'Exclaim's Exigency Exchange'..." Twilight mumbled out loud as she read through the spell's description and instructions. "'Requires focus on two ponies, the casting pony can be one'... Seems to last for sixteen hours from the time of casting, so a solid day... 'Best cast at night, as transformative magic is the domain of the moon,' really? Tell me something a filly in magic kindergarten hasn't already learned... 'Offers a new perspective to both ponies?' Ha!"
Shaking her head at what she had just read, Twilight looked up at Pinkie with a wry smirk, her friend's expression betraying her curiosity. "These old spells have this annoying habit of being deliberately cryptic about what they actually do, but 'offer a new perspective,' when the spell requires two ponies? This spell would switch us in some sort of way, Pinkie; either our minds would be in each other's bodies, or you'd become an unicorn while I'd become an earth pony." She closed her eyes and chuckled. "Not exactly the type of spell one casts on a whim, now is it?"
"Why not?"
Twilight could only open her eyes and stare at Pinkie Pie in disbelief, a flat "what" barely getting past her lips.
"Well, it's like you said, the spell tries to be all secretive but it's so obvious what it actually does, duh!" Pinkie replied, her excitement over what the spell meant making it impossible for her to stand still. "But wouldn't that be fun? I'd love to spend a day in the horseshoes of the genius unicorn Twilight Sparkle, favourite pony of the Princess! Mastering magic, snarking with Spike, offering helpful hints to overcome any hindrance."
“I don’t know, Pinkie...” Twilight trailed off, the lack of conviction in her voice evident. Pinkie’s enthusiasm was terribly contagious.
Pinkie smiled, the knowing smirk of one who knows she is about to win, and delivered her coup de grâce: “And I bet you’ll learn a thing or two about me as well...”
Logically, Twilight still knew that this was a bad idea, but between sleep deprivation, Pinkie’s silver tongue, and those traitorous thoughts in the back of her mind, she finally relented. “Alright, I’ll cast the spell.” Pinkie began to cheer, but was stopped before she could let a peep out by a purple hoof. “But! You have to promise me that you will be very careful with my magic. I know it might seem to you that I can do almost anything, and I will admit that I'm pretty powerful, but I have my limits, and more importantly, so do other ponies. So no lifting anything bigger than yourself, no using magic directly on yourself or others, and above all, think everything over twice."
The solemn look Pinkie gave Twilight as the unicorn finished laying down the rules filled her with hope that this wouldn't end in disaster after all. "I will follow all of your rules. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." Twilight nodded and turned to prepare the spell, but was unexpectedly stopped by Pinkie's hoof on her shoulder. "And in exchange... My rules: have fun! Help others have fun! And do not, under any circumstances, think everything over twice!"
Twilight chuckled as she repeated the motions of the Pinkie Pie Swear, somehow managing to not poke her own eye this time. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. Okay, the spell calls for us to be about five hooves apart - no more, no less - and it suggests that we lay down in case we lose consciousness," Taking her spot five hooves from Pinkie, Twilight tucked her legs under her and laid down before floating over the ancient spellbook to consult with.
As soon as Pinkie had made herself comfortable, Twilight started forming the spell in her horn, paying close attention to make certain she got it right. The horn's glow doubled and then doubled again as Twilight layered the spell's component matrices together, requiring more and more of her magical reserves to hold the spell together and prevent it from dissipating. "Okay, Pinkie..." she gasped out after a minute of concentration. "Brace yourself!"
In an instant, Twilight released the power she had been building up, and for a moment, she could feel everything about Pinkie Pie: the laughter, the songcraft, the insecurities that she held deep under the surface, every feeling and thought and fleeting desire the pink party pony held. And she knew that Pinkie would be feeling everything about her, and she suddenly felt a twinge of panic, knowing that those feelings she had been bearing for months would be laid open to Pinkie, a possibility she had never considered.
But before the panic could overtake Twilight, a torrent of unfathomable power hit her, and she lost grip of her consciousness, sinking down into bizarre dreams.
Alright, time to wade into the murky waters of actually writing fanfiction. With a story that was born of the strange and simple thought: "why are all the 'trading places' stories about Applejack and Rainbow Dash?" Ooooooh, this will not end well.
Now, most of my writing experience is in either participating in or hosting competitive fanfiction tournaments with time-limited rounds, so it is entirely possible that I do things in entirely the wrong way. So I implore any who read this story to please, be ruthless. I can take it.
Well, you got me interested, so imma keep an eye on dis nao.
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/254/999/41d.jpg
Tracking device activated
"and let's face it, with a name like Twilight Sparkle, you probably shouldn't hang out with vampires." LOL
I wasn't expecting that at all...
So for criticism, it's written well. I didn't see any spelling or grammatical errors in there (although I wasn't looking very hard =P), and it's a neat concept. I don't know if Twlight switching with Pinkie has ever been done before (I'm sure it has), but I haven't ever read one. I don't really think that Pinkie would react so harshly to Twilight saying she might not understand something, but this is coming from my head canon, and not the actual canon in the show, so if you have evidence that she would, feel free to prove me wrong. That's my only complaint so far. I will be watching this to see where it goes.
Also, the awkward moment when Pinkie is more powerful than Twilight incoming. Calling it now.
Looks promising.
Though in the end, it depends on what exactly the spell does.
Switch minds?
Switch memories?
Form a temporary hivemind? (That would be a scary possibility, methinks. Take two most mentally unstable ponies and merge them into one consciousness? The world was not ready.)
Great idea. But Pinkie Pie with Twilight's magic is scary. O.O Oh well, who needs sleep? Not me!
Very good start. Sounds like this will be a fun one.
Also, I have to disagree with you. I don't believe there is any wrong way to write fiction. Editors may think that. *Glares at his editor.* As a fellow writer, I don't think there is any wrong way to write. ... My English teachers hated me.
This will be cool as long as there is no -Sees Romance Tab-
....Fine..../me tracks.
First of all, I am glad to see that you're writing a Twinkie story after all, Krizak! Jolly good show!
Secondly, you've got a good thing going here! Shoot, son, you really reeled me in. I'm excited to see where this goes!
As far as critique goes, I don't have much to say so far. You've got good characterization, your pacing is good, and your formatting is easy to read. You forgot an f in "of" in this section, "And she knew that Pinkie would be feeling everything about her, and she suddenly felt a twinge o panic..." but that's easy enough to fix.
Can't wait to read more!
I DEMAND MOAR!.......
OK, one thing:
"But before the panic took overtake"
The -take part here is redundant. Either switch these two words for "overtook", "overwhelmed" or change it to "took over". Besides which, overtake is as I recall present tense, whereas the text is otherwise using past tense.
Gosh, listen to me, I sound like Twilight.
It's a small thing, but being in the last paragraph made it stand out.
Other than that it's a pretty good start, just keep an eye out for things like that. It really bugs some people.
I really like what i see thus far.
"she could feel everything about Pinkie Pie: the laughter, the songcraft, the insecurities that she held deep under the surface," <---- i'm a lil worried about this sentence here, but considering that the dark category hasn't been selected, i will push those fears away.
Also if this guy likes it, 477667 you've got to be doing something good.
Hope to see more soon!
Starlitomega
Seems to be going well so far. I look forward to the resulting chaos.
477658
I kind of extrapolated it from both Pinkie's insecurities shown in "Party of One," as well as when she takes offence to not being considered responsible by Twilight in "Baby Cakes." It probably got jumbled up a bit in my head as well, but that's honestly what the Pinkie in me said when Twilight said that.
477659
...darn it, why am I tempted to go with the hivemind route now? Oh, well, maybe another time... (FOR THE SWARM)
477662
I should hope two thousand words shouldn't keep you up too late (and you need your sleep for the big wedding tomorrow).
477663
I just wasn't sure if my experience writing under ridiculous deadlines and then being judged with that deadline in mind would translate over well to a more... relaxed venue, but it seems to have gone alright.
477665
Sorry, sir, I am the administrator of the Twinkie group, after all. Rest assured that the crazy consequences of this spell will likely overshadow any romantic aspects of the story, at least at first.
477667
What, you don't think a bit o' Irish accent fits my story? Well, alright... *fixes*
Having you watching me is almost intimidating - you are one of the kings of TwiPie - but I shall endeavour to make you proud!
477673
YOU WILL GET MOAR! ...as soon as I write it. I'm not the fastest author in the world, but I hope to have a second, longer chapter out sometime in this upcoming week. (No, I totally won't regret those words, not at all...)
477682
Oh, trust me, that sort of thing bugs me, and it bugs me that I missed it. (It was actually supposed to be "could overtake.") Thank you for pointing it out to me; it has been rectified.
477690
Haha, but you have failed to account for the Sudden Dark Tag Out of Nowhere!
No, no, I'm talking more "Party of One" and less Cupcakes.
>>Everybody
Thank you for all your feedback and interest so far! I hope that I live up to the trust you have placed in me!
Now everybody go to bed! You have to be up for ponies tomorrow!
477717
From one person's head canon to another's, I can respect that.
AND I SHALL NEVER SLEEP! I HAVE TOO MANY PONIES TO READ!
your avatar made me laugh.
It is now obligatory that I track and read all things that come from your brain.
477717
Don't be intimidated! I'm just a person who loves their TwiPie!
And who loves good fanfiction!
477717
Because you can`t resist the challenge of giving your readers mental trauma, if nothing else.
Seriously enough, Pinkie/Twilight hivemind would be either awesome or scary. And would probably be asked out by Discord.
477717
I kind of extrapolated it from both Pinkie's insecurities shown in "Party of One," as well as when she takes offence to not being considered responsible by Twilight in "Baby Cakes." It probably got jumbled up a bit in my head as well, but that's honestly what the Pinkie in me said when Twilight said that.
Professor Piggy and I have been having an extended convo about Pinkie and her insecurities and, for whatever it's worth, we both have interpretations of Pinkie that line up pretty well with what you're saying here. In particular, I think Pinkie gets uniquely insecure/defensive when she thinks Twilight is acting condescending towards her--just scope out "Griffon the Brush-Off," "Baby Cakes," parts of "MMMystery on the Friendship Express." Maybe it's 'cause Twi can be extra condescending, maybe Twi's intelligence can be intimidating, maybe it's just that Pinkie cares extra about Twi's opinion ... I dunno, but there's SOMETHING there.
I will leave a proper review when I am not so dead tired (it is far past my bedtime), but I really dig this chapter. Very promising!
Primo: Thank you for spelling Owloysius' name right!
Secundo: I approve of Pinkie's nod to and aversion towards sparkling vamponies.
Terzo: I am impressed you included the accent circonflex on "coup de grâce."
Quarto: Good for Twilight making Pinkie Pie make agree to those rules. And good for Pinkie in return for her rules, though at this point, as far as we can tell from her opinion of Twilight, our Miss Sparkle's character design is strictly Canon/Fanon. Don't overthink things and have some fun for once, you stick-in-the-mud. I look forward to seeing both their characters develop.
Verdetto: I'm excited to see where you're taking this. Four out of five for a solid beginning.
Ultimo: *muttering as I pen a note to self* Track... this... NAO...
Poscritto: No, I don't speak Italian. It's late at night, and I'm getting weird. And it's not my fault my roommate has un dizionario.
I'm excited to read more, alright? You're doing something right It's definitely nothing I've read on here before.
I don't know where it's going, but I'm ready to find out. Your writing's not half bad either.
So- I'm tracking it.
Twinkie, check
Bodyswapping insanity, check
Like, fav and comment, check
More Twinkie. Delicious. I love this new surge. Why, this might just get as big as Appledash.
Dammit! another shipping story for me to read? *sigh* And it's Twinkie... Now I'm obligated to read it and probably track it.
Great so far, but in the 5th paragraph which comes right after the single line "Jump into the air and scream like a little filly." In the first sentence "Shh! You'll wake up Spike!" the pink intruder whispered loud enough to wake the sleeping dragon herself,...." You appear to have changed up Spikes gender. Have yet to notice any other mistakes, also tracking.
Edit: Owloysius is spelled correctly, but it depends on which one you want to use, Lauren Faust clarified that "His name is spelled 'Owlowiscious', though 'it probably should have been Owloysius'", Hasbro uses the latter, but I personally prefer Lauren's spelling of it.
Ooo i'm intrigued. Tracking.
Very interesting! I do like Pinkie's admonition that Twilight has to use her magic to have fun and help other ponies laugh, because that's at the very essence of Pinkie's magic.I think Pinkie Pie shows a great deal of self-awareness in this scene. Looking forward to the next part!
I love that feeling you get when you stumble across something special
I know you said to be ruthless, but to be honest, I can't really think of anything to criticise... or at least, nothing that hasn't already been mentioned. The plot is intriguing, the pacing is good and Pinkie and Twilight are perfectly in character ('cross-referencing historical mentions of advanced transformative spells with their modern counterparts'. Sounds thrilling, Twilight). It's funny as well- Pinkie's line about vampires really cracked me up! Lately I feel like I've been reading nothing but sadfics, so this is a nice change of pace.
I hope this gets featured. It deserves it
477717 it was more of my imagination going wild with the thought of Pinkie Pie having Twilight's magic. It was like the season 2 opener, but with more candy.
I don't always read shipfics,
But when I do, I prefer Sparkle Pie.
But seriously, this looks interesting.
A promising start, I think. Interesting to see what the spell will really do!
Interesting... A mind-body switch where both parties know that's what's gonna happen? Neat-o.
478107 Umm... that sentence is actually correct. Try reading it out loud. The sentence is referring to Pinkie whispering loud enough to wake Spike up BY herself.
More Twinkie is never a bad thing.
I expect shenanigans.
Unfathomable power, you say?
Dis gun b gud...
<insert the .gif that I can't be bothered to find right now>
Hmmm.... Pinkie Pie with unicorn magic. I'm fine with this, because unicorn magic has it's own set of rules which make sense in-universe - so Pinkie is actually being _limited_ in her capacity for chaos... However, I do recognise that being limited generally forces people to get inventive, and in Pinkie's case, I doubt anything good can come of that. As for Twilight being granted reality altering capabilities and the capacity to ignore the fourth wall... eh, she was going to turn into a mad scientist sooner or later. I'm sure her friends won't mind providing test subjects _too_ much.
i256.photobucket.com/albums/hh186/kylespo/Brony%20Pics/PPSubstituteReality.jpg
Let the madness BEGIN!!!
ALL OF THE TRACKING!
i'm concerned for twilight's mind. it may shatter when she sees what pinkie sees everyday.
haha! this is awesome! I want MOAR!
tracking*
Interesting, very interesting.
My only question is if the "everything" is well defined and easy to understand what "this" and "that" would be. It'd be kinda funny if everything was labeled. Think about it.
A floating label or sign, stating "You Have Arrived at Deep Dark Secret Corner!"
"With a name like Twilight Sparkle, you probably shouldn't hang around with vampires."
http://mirrors.rit.edu/instantCSI/
Well, doesn't this look like an interesting start. I look forwards to more of this.
MOAR WRITANS
HOLY FUCK TWIPIE
this is good and has gained my track and thumb
Nice start, looking forward to more.
Holy balls I'm favoriting this.
t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTy9HL8dMRHslIJ4D25C42C7DDyfvPim7XEUGxPVjLpLjJm1SncDg
Tracking for all reasons except for the romance, cuz I don't give a crap about two girls or two guys being together
\