This is the first installment to the Fractured Fairy Tails FanFictions. Join Twilight Sparkle as she falls into the mad world of Wonderland. There are lots of things to find hidden around this story. Do you think you can find them all?
The journey Twilight will take will bring her to many encounters with other characters. See who is who and enjoy this Crazy Adventure with some interesting twists and 360 turns. Expect some SWEET moments in this tale as well. Enjoy!
The cover art was created by me and fjordhorse on Scratch.
Chapters (12)
Oh dear. I have a lot to say about this. As a huge Alice in Wonderland fan, I got intrigued enough to check the whole story out, and I really hope you can take this well, because you seem like a reasonable person and just joined the site pretty recently... I'd feel like a jerk for scaring someone off like that. But anyway, this'll take a bit of reading from you. Hope you don't mind.
I like the idea of inserting our favorite ponies into stories, but that has to affect the story greatly for it to work. Through this story, I didn't actually feel Twilight was acting like herself. Instead, I feel you tried to keep her much more like an Alice, since it was her role. But that's not very entertaining, and I'll try to explain why. See, chances are we already know the story and read the books (though this one seemed to take more after the Disney's version, which I'm OK with). If we have seen that, we know how Alice reacts to everything already. We read this story wanting to know how Twilight Sparkle reacts to it, with all the perks that come to it. And I don't think this was executed well here.
And it isn't just Twilight. Fluttershy outrights shouts angrily at Derpy at some point, quite unlike her. Trixie shows hardly any of her characteristics in this. Discord is very right and proper through all of his appearance, which is odd for such a chaotic entity. So, see, if the characters fill like they're filling roles rather than being themselves (which is why we love them), it becomes way less entertaining.
The sad part is that I know you can pull this off. Through the story, I see bits and pieces which assures me that you can write these characters better if you put a bit more thought into it. Maybe you were too afraid of it getting too different? You didn't need to. Perhaps the story would have done better if you took the risk.
As for comedy, which, for me, is the best part of the book, you don't need to highlight the jokes with the people laughing. Perhaps your OC can get away with it, but it feels awkward to think of everyone laughing at every joke. And I liked some of them! The jam one made me smile. And there was that part with Rarity in chapter 8:
It doesn't make too much sense, but this was the essence of Alice for me: wordplay, randomness, misunderstandings, fun. Parts like this were a pretty good job from you. They kept me going. Another highlight goes to this one in chapter 10, though:
I mean, it follows the book, so it's not an original moment, but it made me laugh, because, after all, Applejack is the element of Honesty and including her in that point was nice of you to do. There was also a part in Chapter 4 in which Dazzle says something like "We can't tell you without breaking into song", and that's funny too because MLP tends to have these random moments of song anyway, and it made some sort of sense even when being illogical. Which, for an Alice in Wonderland fic, fits the theme perfectly!
So, see, I like some moments of it. But it's not a smooth read. And you force it a lot to try and go down the path of the actual story. For example:
If she was so sure that they were in her room, why would she need Twilight to go get it? If she went there and got it, it'd spend just as much time. In the book or animation, the rabbit doesn't know exactly where his fan and gloves are, and he mistakes Alice for his housemaid, which explains why he's suddenly all bossy on her. If you can't fit the right path in the fic, then just go with an alternate one. You can try a similar one, or, if it is justifiable and funny, a completely different one, and the fic will be better for it.
Other than that... as I said, it isn't an easy read. The formatting has some problems, but I won't be getting into that myself. It feels nitpicky, and I prefer to give advice on a level of ideas rather than the fic's appearance...
I see potential in what you can do. I really do. But there's room for improvement. If I can make a short list of recommendations for you, it'd be:
- Your characters are from MLP even if they fill other roles. Use their quirks and characteristics to your advantage.
- The OC doesn't do much other than observe. You may want to give him more defining traits or an interesting relationship with somepony else.
- Don't feel too restricted by the format of the work you're basing the story on.
- Don't feel discouraged. I wouldn't be spending time writing all of this if I didn't think you could do good things and get better.
Good luck and take care.
I love Alice in Wonderland when I was younger which is why I'm reading it.
What? No Twilight crying until the room is flooded with tears?
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Personally when I was writing this scene I was thinking of how Twilight would go for a more scientific approach. I could've easily used the 1972 or 1999 version of the scene, but I figured that the 2010 version of how she got out made more sense to her character.
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The Walt Disney version is on my Top 10 (if not Number 1) Favorite Disney Films. The idea for this came up via a dream I had and a Role-Play with a friend, which in turn inspired this fiction.
actually trash
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Who knows? Maybe you'll write something that'll shake things up, too!
Honestly understandable, sir. I had to rewrite this so many times to the point I was happy with it. I respect why you don't like it and I will not change it.