A father gives a tale to his foals to get them to go to bed before their mother returns from her evening with friends. The tale is about Fluttershy, a myserious wishing hoofband, and a wizened mystery stallion.
An avid alliterator, videogame addict, anime enthusiast, ocassional writer, procrastinator extraordinaire, and lover of stories at your service.
A father gives a tale to his foals to get them to go to bed before their mother returns from her evening with friends. The tale is about Fluttershy, a myserious wishing hoofband, and a wizened mystery stallion.
Hmmm... It does remind me of a very old tale, a good one, but a very old one. I'm interested, and you've earned a reader with the introduction.
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Thank you. I don't know how old it is, but I liked the original so here I go taking a crack at it.
I won't go into too much details as I've become quite frightened to comment.
Still, that beginning is intriguing. It does feel like one of those old tales I was told when growing up.
This is in my mind the most interesting aspect of the introduction. In a few words, it's made clear the ring's power will be the origin of the story's conflicts. But at the same time, I still can't foresee what the subject will be exactly and I'll happily discover it as it comes, as the concept seems deep.
I wonder about one choice however (actually multiple, but mostly this one):
You began by making a transition to introduce Twilight (and therefore a very probable next scene with Twilight), but then you decided to make a second transition where the next scene is probably going to be with Rarity instead of Twilight.
I imagine the way you structured the story needs for Fluttershy to meet with Rarity before she meets with Twilight, but why did you decide to make that double transition the way you did?
And by the way, is that:
a reference to this story?
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/171846/good-night-luna
It looks like a private joke, so it's kinda hard to follow.
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I didn't really think about the double transitions, but I suppose the transitions I used are her character's mechanism. The ring that she receives and effects her is secondary to the promised action effecting another creature. Putting others ahead of herself. That maybe looking into it too deep, but it's just what I thought.
As for "Goodnight Luna," it's a sort of personal slight to the writer of Goodnight Moon, and the amount of times I read it to my friend's kid when he was 3-ish. I did see that story and I thought I would use it for the story because I wouldn't take the father as wanting to read written stories. You can probably guess who he is, but that's all I'll say. No offense to the author of that story, I was just using the title.
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It's rarely too deep.
Okay, that explains it. Thanks for the answer.
Well, I'll be waiting to know what you have in mind, because the idea that the ring isn't the focus of the story is even more intriguing.
I'm intrigued! Write more.
Not bad, I've got a feeling I know who the father is. Heh! Heh!
You've got some formatting issues there, m8.
Uh oh. Fluttershy is ignoring all signs of weakness... This can't end well.