- Member Since 27th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen Last Monday
LegionofPony
I write commissions and sometimes write stuff I come up with too. Nuff said.
LegionofPony
Joined 27th Jun, 2014 ·
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I'm confused. Why are you reposting this?
5178827 Because the old version was garbage, I deleted it a while back, then regretted my decision and decided to massively improve and repost it.
Yay for indecisiveness?
I have to say it is a lot better the original
5179399 Thanks for saying so! I put a lot more effort into making it better.
CHAPTER TWOOOOOOOOOOO is posted.
I have to admit, you have a talent at explaining the orgasm scenes that far too many other writers lack. It's a shame, but that's what makes this story so good.
5179732 Details are very important to me in any story, but especially so in erotic stories. The more detailed it is, the more the reader can imagine in their own mind. I mean, If a scene is properly written, an author can even get a person to be able to visualize a scene...provided the reader is imaginative enough.
In terms of "other writers" not being up to snuff in the orgasm-describing department, I agree. Most stories sum it up in only a few sentences, for example;
'<Stallion/colt> nodded and redoubled his efforts, putting all the force he could into each thrust without hurting either of them. Her groans and cries were even louder than before, and between them she would gasp out “yes!” and “please!” in time with his thrusts. But then he felt the tightness suddenly vanish and something gave way inside him. With one final thrust, he drove his shaft deep into her and cried out himself as he came, legs quivering as his seed poured into her.' Source
I mean it's sufficient, but seems sorta lacking in my opinion. So I always make mine the climax they should be for such a scene (yay for bad puns!
)
Also, glad you liked my story! I've only just begin, and have a LOT more chapters planned!
I like this.
5182305 Thanks, glad to hear it.
5179780 I'm not entirely sure how to word this . . .
I guess the way to say it is that when your sex scenes start, I feel like I'm smacking into a brick wall. It's like there's no distinction between big, important events and incidental details that flesh out the scene--they're both described with the same massive wall of words. I can't find the central point of each paragraph, so I get confused and lose track of what's going on.
I guess I'll try a comparison. From your story:
And from Like Fine WIne:
The latter's a lot more organized and easier to read. It's also more emotive, making the act itself more important by tying it into Rarity's emotional state.
Though it's a bit unfair to compare your style, which seems to lean towards bigger paragraphs, with one that's so staccato. Taken from Love's Been a Little Bit Hard on Me:
I've been critical before of how the sex scenes in Hard are written--the author does very little with the individual idiosyncracies of each character, having every character X fuck character Y in exactly the same way character A would fuck character B. But it focuses each sentence around a major, important point, and it adds minor details to those sentences to flesh out those points. That's a lot easier to read than a scene where entire lengthy sentences can be devoted to relatively unimportant IKEA-esque description of how tab A made it into slot B.
I hope I'm not dumping on you too badly. I'm just trying to find the right way to get this across.
5185320 So basically you're saying my sex scenes are a huge wall of descriptions, with no emotional impact at all. Yeah, I can see that now. Perhaps I should try adding some dialogue in...I'm sure that'd make it less like reading a textbook.
Probably should remove unnecessarily pointless repetitions too...
Thanks for your input.
So... is Twilight next? She seems just as lonely as Zecora at times, even with Spike around. That and I have a thing for pregnant Twilight.
A comment on the "Sorta NC" status of this chapter: Big Mac is not consenting to any of this, even though he's... unconscious? Conscious but not in control?
5188485 Big Mac is unconscious, yes. It is technically NC I guess, but I don't view it like that. I'll update it regardless.
5190186
... I think it would be good to remember that, at least. Mac is a victim too. Not remembering what happens does not mean he isn't being y'know... forced into sex he normally would not do. Obviously going on about how traumatizing it might be for Mac, would be inconsistent with the tone of the work... but Mac's still being forced to do this. Against his will.
I'd figure it would come up at some point alongside whatever else someone is outraged at Denclop about.
5190248 Answers will be given, soon enough.
New chapter up.
5192944 Shh, no spoilers please!
That goes for anyone who's read this story's previous version too; PLEASE NO SPOILERS IN THE COMMENTS! If you wish to discuss future chapters with me, please PM me and I WILL answer them, but only to a certain extent.
OR
You can use the spoiler tags by typing "[spoiler <text> [/spoiler", and adding end brackets to both with brackets on it. Any non-compliant spoiler comments will be nuked.
Edited the description with the trigger warning that non-consensual will be a common thing throughout this story, mainly with SPOILER: Big Mac, and as such I won't be adding it on individual chapters. If it's with another character as well, I will tag it as NC/forced.
If you're not into that...abandon ship now.
5193062 Oops, sorry
I added spoiler tags
5193107 Sorry, I've got an itchy comment-delete finger it seems.
REALLY should lay off on that. Feel free to re-post that comment...and any other spoilery comments.... with the Spoiler tag on it.
5193132 It's okay, I don't blame you
Still looking forward to next chapter though
5193136 It shall come in... due time. I'm working on 2 stories right now, and damn am I LAZY at updating them!
Another nice long chapter out. Please do enjoy!
Damnit Celestia, a little privacy please?
Also, when did this update again? I didn't even notice until now.
5213526 If you mean me adding the chapter itself, I added it 2 days ago. If you mean the previous chapters changing slightly, then I've been improving them just now.
5213529 Odd. Must've slipped by somehow.
5213618 Well, at least you found it now!
69 likes. LUL!
i need to know what happens next i eagerly await your next chapter
5224852 It should be out soon. I'm editing it and it should be out tomorrow or sooner...more likely tonight!
Damnit Celestia, what did I say about privacy?
But seriously, I'm looking forward to more chapters.
5225869 awesome i can't wait
You may notice a "new" section in Chapter 2. This isn't new content, I simply thought the one chapter was too long and split it into two.
Why am I seeing this again?
Could you please not do stuff like this, it makes updates confusing.
5237825
5238054
Sorry. It was kinda annoying me, so I changed it.
Let me get this straight, the only way to deactivate or fight back against the mask, was only know by one pony... who's now long death... Yeah, genius material there.
Also, I've seen that you constantly claim that the only victims are the mares, and never have I seen the others claim that McIntosh has been posessed and used against his will... that he's also a victim that needs to be rescued...
5240759
No, re-read chapter 3. It's written that the kill-code is written down and locked in a box, but it was lost when Discord recently returned to Equestria. I also stated that Celestia wasn't worried about Denclop because Zecora's family handled her so well for so long, so she didn't bother with learning the kill-code. Therefore the kill-code WAS there for use, but was never needed.
The mares aren't really victims. It is made clear that they've wanted a foal before, but never had the means to get them. Is this simply a thought put in them by Denclop, or is it true? only time will tell... As for Big Mac, yes, he is a victim. I made that clear that this is against his will in chapter 2.2.
Also, if you're going to be discussing the plot in detail like that, please use the spoiler tag. It's the black bar with 'Sp' in it in the comment toolbar. Thanks.
Since I'm such a wonderful person (/sarcasm), I've posted TWO new chapters of The Destiny of a Forgotten Goddess for all pony-ponies to read.
Enjoy!
This seems a bit distant from the actual plot, is there a purpose to this?
Are you? Personally, I think these two chapters could have been combined.
Who's next, one would wonder.
I'd put my bits on Pinkie.
Was this in the original as well? I honestly can't remember. Oh well, more Lyra is always good.
5265514 First off, I wasn't being serious about "being a wonderful person", hence the "or am I?" I was trying to be sarcastic, but sarcasm doesn't display well in text.
Also, I originally did make this one chapter but I personally hate really long chapters. It was originally almost 9.8k words, and that's extremely long for a single chapter in my opinion, so I split it into two.
5266407 You'll just have to find out.
5267014 It was, and yay Lyra!
5268620
I would just like to point out that you can reply to multiple people on the same post.