Celestia Steals The Moon

Lady Lorelei

Lady Lorelei #1 · Nov 23rd, 2014 · 2 · · 3. Slaughter ·

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I found this story very adorable.

Very well written and all around interesting.

Though each chapter is short you used what little space you had to paint a very vivid picture.

The comedy was soft and very innocent- which is hard to pull off.

I enjoyed both sisters interactions with eachother.

Pacing was great- nothing to say about that-every scene flowed to the next pefrectly.

Style- was rich and colorful-though also cozy felt as if the reader were in the castle watching this cute story unfold.

Writing- Was very well done overall- I spotted a few mistakes but nothing major.-maybe two in all.

Plot- cute and to the point didn't milk it for the sake of milking it-to that I say well done.

Ending- Was cute though I felt the last little bit of the story did lose my attention if only a little bit- I don't know just felt as if the flow started to get rocky but you ended the fic so the flow then became stable again.

All in all I loved this fic- surprised this has not gotten more views then it has.

That said I'm Hoof Bumping, Faving and Following!

Also if you don't mind I would love to Spotlight this fic in one of new fics and also perhaps do a Blog Post on it- see if I can't get some more people to read this adorable fic.

Tell me what you think.

In all I'm going to give my review and judgement on this story overall- here we go!!!

Pacing- 5/5
Style-5/5
Writing-4/5
Plot-5/5
Ending-4/5

Review-

10 Trollestias out of 10.

Judgement- It's Hidden Under The Castle!!!!

- Probably...~Giggles~

Phaedra

Phaedra #2 · Nov 23rd, 2014 · 1 · · 3. Slaughter ·

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I love this. Adorable, funny, and that ending, too. All around good read.

Dark-Angel

Dark-Angel #3 · Nov 23rd, 2014 · 1 · · 3. Slaughter ·

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I dunno anything anymore

Via

Via #4 · Nov 23rd, 2014 · 1 · · 3. Slaughter ·

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Good story.
And yes.
Screw me.

BronyRant

BronyRant #5 · Nov 23rd, 2014 · 1 · · 3. Slaughter ·

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Very good story, dear MLP fan.

Rating- 9/10

an1979

an1979 #6 · Nov 23rd, 2014 · 1 · · Prologue ·

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Summary

Put in multiple chapters because I can and its fun.

it is

Chapter#1

Luna walked out into her balcony, looking up at her big sisters sunset.

Luna used her royal canterlot voice as she stood panicking on top of her older sisters bedroom door, of which had been smashed off its hinges and onto the ground.

sister's

Capitalization should be fixed in a few places, etc.

Amm

Amm #7 · Nov 23rd, 2014 · 2 · · 3. Slaughter ·

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Why is Ch 3 copied within Ch 4?

Also, this kind of bugged me throughout, thy = your, not 'the' or 'our' or 'mine'. There's several places in the first few chapters where 'your' would be awkward. (your forest, your castle, etc).

Fairly amusing story though.

TechSavii

TechSavii #8 · Nov 23rd, 2014 · 1 · · 1. In the forest ·

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"MOON! MOOOOOOONN! " Luna hollered

Damnit moon moon!

megkit

megkit #9 · Nov 23rd, 2014 · · · 3. Slaughter ·

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5303132 thank you for the review! <3 (best review I ever had, actually.)

megkit

megkit #10 · Nov 24th, 2014 · · · 3. Slaughter ·

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5304181 acident! I fixed the story. That was a major mistake

Lady Lorelei

Lady Lorelei #11 · Nov 24th, 2014 · 1 · · 3. Slaughter ·

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5304809

Expect more from me then, I'll get around to reading more of your stories soon.

If I love the story or think it's something special I'll give Judgement/Reviews.

If the story is fair I just give small reviews.

That's how you can tell if I really, really like a story lol.

This fic is a top fav of mine now- right next to Sober By BeWhoUr.

megkit

megkit #12 · Nov 24th, 2014 · · · 3. Slaughter ·

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5306050 also, I made an improvement: notice I have deleted chapter three. It's useless. :/ I made a mistake earlier. So yea, it's even better now

Lady Lorelei

Lady Lorelei #13 · Nov 24th, 2014 · 1 · · 3. Slaughter ·

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5306059

Yeah I noticed the repeat thing when I read it- thought it was a lead up to a P.O.V switch.

Did something like that in one of my fics.

megkit

megkit #14 · Nov 24th, 2014 · · · 3. Slaughter ·

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5306124 nah - it was an accident

Random Order

Random Order #15 · Nov 25th, 2014 · · · 1. In the forest ·

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Luna and Celestia strode out into the forest behind ~~they're~~ castle, hollering for the moon.

*Their*

megkit

megkit #16 · Nov 26th, 2014 · · · 3. Slaughter ·

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5311840 what's the difference?

Dragonfist

Dragonfist #17 · Dec 3rd, 2014 · · · Prologue ·

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5303557 Aww you got to it before me. Still found a few though

What if instead of stealing her stars... We steal thy moon! Yes! Now, this is going to be great!

Thy is the word for your. Saying I will still your moon with nopony in the room except herself doesn't make much sense.

This is thy tenth time that we hath ever raised thy moon!

This is your tenth time we hath ever raised your moon! Nope.

where is our moon?

Caps on where.

Her flowing pink mane flowed quickly and excitedly as wind blowed strong on her balcony.

Blew. Also how can hair move excitedly?

We love thy art we can create our simply moving our solar orb downwards. To bad lulu can not do that with thy-

Thy is still being used wrong and Lulu is a name and needs caps for the first letter.

this is it.

Caps for first word.

of which had been smashed off its hinges and onto the ground.

Don't need the word of.

Onto the next!

Dragonfist

Dragonfist #18 · Dec 3rd, 2014 · · · 1. In the forest ·

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Luna and Celestia strode out into the forest behind they're castle, hollering for the moon.

Their. They're means they are.

Or on equestria at all.

Equestria is a place therefore needs Caps.

"Our beautiful moon is not present in thy forest, Tia! Where shall we look next?"

Damn! Tia owns the forest, jeez.

"We are not sure, sister, but thy moon is normally way up high, and thy castle is down here, we are not sure it could make it under there in such short time unnoticed..."

You used thy right the first time but not the second.

oh no, we are losing her!

First letter Caps.

Dragonfist

Dragonfist #19 · Dec 3rd, 2014 · · · 2. Under The Castle ·

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They ran down the halls of the bottom floor of the castle, eye-searching for a door leading to the basement of which had a door to the (12 foot tall) crawl space underneath the basement.

Eyes. Don't need brackets. You said there was a door twice. A crawl space wouldn't be twelve feet tall, it's called a crawl space for a reason.

"Is this it, sister?" Luna asked as she walked upto her sister.

Space between up and to.

"Yes, lulu! Yes!" She used her magic to swing open the two large doors.

Caps for names...

which had a door to the (12 foot tall) crawl space underneath the basement. "Yes, lulu! Yes!" She used her magic to swing open the two large doors.

Suddenly two doors?

It was bigger than some peoples homes, but to them, it was concidered a normal sized room.

Considered.

we shall look atop thy castle!"

Luna now owns the castle.

"No! We shall look in thy room!"

You used it right this time but other times wrong, how?

what if she finds it?

Caps for first word...

Dragonfist

Dragonfist #20 · Dec 3rd, 2014 · · · 3. Slaughter ·

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5303132 This may sound rude but there were quite a few more than two mistakes.

The galloped down the hall towards Tia's Bedroom.

They. You could have just put "They galloped towards Celestia's bedroom, also why does bedroom have caps?

"Oh, Luna, please, go towards thy rooftop! Do not go into our room! It shan't be there! Tis' to big!"

Luna owns the roof top.

"Oh, dear sister, puh-lease! We believe that thy room must be capable of holding such a small thing like thy moon!" She giggled and galloped faster.

Celestia owns the moon now.

"Well, because tis' our bedroom and not thou's." she smirked.

She needs caps.

always works, right?

Always needs caps.

"...because we like to conceal instead of boast & show, unlike thou."

*Cringe* never use & in a story, it's just lazy.

They arrived in front of Celestia's door.

Celestia's bedroom door. Not the door to Celestia.

Luna used her magic to swing open the doors & darted in, immediatly levitating various objects and looking in & under them.

*Takes out squirt bottle and squirts you for using & again* Also immediately.

Celestia was sweating. She couldn't take much more presure from this sister.

Pressure. Did Celestia plan to just keep the moon forever? Luna would have found out eventually.

Luna started opening drawers, looking through every last nook & crany.

& = and. Crany = Cranny.

Luna's unusually large grin was slowly turning into a small smile, and then a flat look, then a frown, and finnally a scowl.

Finally. You should take out the first and.

Celestia was froze in a horrified stance. no. No. No. This can not be happening. NO.

The first one not didn't have caps yet the others did?

Finnally, Luna broke the tense silence with her loudest royal canterlot voice.

Finally. Canterlot needs caps for it is a place.

They came to a screeching halt just outside the doors of the throne room, seeing they're mother and father, chuckling at they're fight.

They're means they are. Use their instead.

"Oh now look whom hath mastered the royal canterlot voice."

Canterlot needs caps it is a place.

"Oh, Celestia, one can not simply hide thy moon!"

Man the moon changes ownership fast! Thy means your.

She gestured for them to follow her to they're parent's balcony.

Their.

Galaxia pointed out to where the moon would be if Celestia hadn't taken it " see that?

Space between the quotation mark and the word see.

That's a cloud covering thy moon. You two can not move thy sun nor thy moon in ip either direction other than up or down because we casted a spell on thy magic so that you couldn't move it in any other direction."

Why Ip?

"thank thee dear sister for helping us raise thy moon tonight!"

Celestia still owns the moon I see.

Lots of mistakes, how would Luna not be able to find her moon with her magic if it was right there? Why didn't Celestia just take the book from Luna with her magic? All good questions. I like the story, I thought it was cute but it had some plot holes and quite a few spelling and grammar mistakes.

Dragonfist

Dragonfist #21 · Dec 3rd, 2014 · · 1 · 3. Slaughter ·

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5313129 They're means they are and their means that they posses the thing you are referring too.

megkit

megkit #22 · Dec 3rd, 2014 · · · 3. Slaughter ·

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5340043 thank you for the reviews <3

And btw, the crawl space is 12 foot tall because Luna celestias parents would have to crawl to be in that area.
They are taller than 12 feet. Much taller, in fact.

megkit

megkit #23 · Dec 3rd, 2014 · · · 3. Slaughter ·

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5340013 I also thought thy ment the because of the context MLP uses it in.

Dragonfist

Dragonfist #24 · Dec 3rd, 2014 · 1 · · 3. Slaughter ·

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5342218 Eh, good point.

megkit

megkit #25 · Dec 4th, 2014 · · · 3. Slaughter ·

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5342284 :3

Also, one more thing;

How can a mane flow excitedly?

Excitedly - quickly. Excitedly can be used in that context.

megkit

megkit #26 · Dec 4th, 2014 · · · 3. Slaughter ·

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5340013 Oh yes, and as for why Luna couldn't fidn the moon with her magic; Celestia had already raised it for her by accident. Tia Didn't realize this because the clouds were in the way.

BlueYoshi