When a strange visitor crashes into the Everfree one night, the main six are unsure as how to react. A creature with a shrouded past, and a twitchy trigger finger now unfortunately requires their assistance in order to return home. But distrust and fear are brewing on both sides, and neither is sure who will pop first, the colorful ponies, or the armed survivor. My first story, Enjoy
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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1) You're getting comets and meteors mixed up. If it's a meteor shower, why refer to one as a comet?
2) One speaker per paragraph only. No exceptions. Somebody new starts to speak, start a new paragraph.
3) When trying to reproduce a character's idiom, please try to stay as close to it as you can and please make sure you know how they speak.
Would be better presented as:
I will admit the use of "be" is more a stylistic choice but to mix "thou" and "are" just makes for a strange mix.
The same thing goes for Applejack.
She's more than capable of pronouncing "th" as she was able to say "the" without issue. Dropping it makes no sense especially in light of how later on she says:
Consistency, you need it.
Other than that, I'm still not 100% on board with this. There's the potential for this traveler to be a potential Gary Stu. Please make sure you dial back on the awesome he generates.