Ivan is just your everyday type of guy. Middle-aged, balding, Eastern European, grew up in harsh and merciless communism, and took to smoking three packs of cigarettes a day since childhood, washing it down with vodka as well. When he heard about the great opportunities the magical land of Equestria were offering, he got one of the first green cards there and opened up shop in Ponyville. A saddle shop, to be specific, where he sells saddles and saddle accessories.
Why ponies buy saddles, Ivan doesn't know, and when he finds out, he'd like very much to go back to not knowing.
Thanks to my pre-reader RedSquirrel456 for all his help.
Chapters (1)
I'm glad to see you're
(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Back in the saddle again.
5327196 One comment and the puns have already begun. Buck up everyone, this is going to be a long ride.
Rarity, is there something you want to tell us?
hahaha
Oh, now thats hilarious. Especially the end with the foal sized saddles!
This was wonderful. I cracked up at the song... and the argument... but most of all at the ending.
Definitely made me smile.
5327196
s26.postimg.org/anab7ua6t/Fluttershyrolleyes.png
Please, you sound horse with that pun.
(Horse as in "hoarse" amirite.)
Uh..What?
Eh, it's more fun bareback.
I'll assume that's just a translation difficulty. Surely ponies don't buy saddles made out of other ponies.
Only thing that confuses me is why he talks in 3rd person. Even if there is a language barrier of some kind, that still doesn't really make sense.
5327253 Maybe it has something to do with his native tongue?
My home state, folks! (Sighs) Stay classy, Florida.
Anyway, glad to see you back in the Saddle, Mr.Bob!
A truley funny fic!
Is that a subtle jab I see, at all the stories where ponies are ZOMGHORRIFIED at learning that insert-human-here eats meat?
Ha don't worry too much adult only book stores are here in Ohio too
Oh my CELESTIA, RARITY?!? WHAT IN THE ACTUAL BUCK ARE YOU SAYING??
5327253 Is soviet russian, speaks only in stereotypes. Ivan doesn't care for fancy speak, is from old country.
I wonder if they use riding crops and spurs.
On another note, it sounds like Rarity likes her stallions two or three or more at the same time. 
Saddles for colts and foals. Damn perverts. Let's just hope rarity doesn't buy one for sweetie.
Cutie mark crusaders: saddles testers
(I regret nothing)
5327196
I'm sorry. But I am going to have to shoot you.
5327276 Hey, even retirees need their Fity Shades of Red From When Gramma Spanked My Bottom.
Augusta, Georgia...got 'em here, too.
I did always wonder why they wore saddles!
Damn perverted horses indeed Ivan!
Обрыган, одним словом.
Gonna read.
I... I can't even begin to want to explain the satire, but just... wow... 5 stars, buddy...
Poor Ivan. Soviet Whatstheplace must seem like heaven now!
5328024 Is that Georgia the U.S. state or Georgia the East-Europe country?
Finally someone who does it right with the ponies reacting to someone eating meat
Oh... I see... Then I guess these horses like to saddle up.
i.imgur.com/4q5qJPX.png
...I can't look at this the same way again.
I am concerned... let's say have mixed feelings... anyone else wondering about Saddle Arabia and what traveling through its deserts might mean? Sounds like an awfully painful ride... at least for one side
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/3/39/Princess_Celestia_with_the_delegates_from_Saddle_Arabia_S3E5.png/revision/latest?cb=20130309070353
5328767 Good ol' US of A.
funny. very funny. although a little rushed, mostly Rarity's part. like, it escalated TOO quickly.
That was fucking amazing.
You deserve a gold star.
5327557 And in Phoenix, AZ. Though it also sells Not Books there. I think. I've never been inside, because honestly, it looks kinda like a big white brick (surrounded by a bunch of big dirt-colored bricks. Kinda stands out).
Glad to see you man, hope you're feeling better.
Great comedy, too. Rarity's little about-face is perhaps a few paragraphs too fast, but Ivan's characterization is great (so is Rarity's, for that matter).
So saddles are... Fetish fuel? Shit I need to get me a saddle!
5329002
That's the Equestrian "Sexy Ms. Claus", apparently.
Have that idea burned white-hot into your brain.
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/most-russian-name-ever.jpg
u wot m8
i got the joke and im not even from the usa
5329220 Agreed. It took a single paragraph for Rarity to come to grips with the heady issues of carnivorous monkeys who wear the skin of other creatures.
And who doesn't take Visa, I ask you, honestly.
Ponies and technology. What perfect characterization. And I can see Rarity with a dozen saddles in her dressing room. After all, one must accessorize properly for one's coltfriends.
Great one shot. Had me laughing and imagining the 'WTF' look on Ivan's face. Only thing I noticed technically wrong is that you flesh the hides before starting the tanning process. You want all the meat and fat off so the solution can soak in. If only you had him doing brain tanning. The ponies would hate that
Kinda hate the fact that this story was so short, since I want to read more about Ivan, he sounds more interesting then your average HiE. Oh well.
I demand more adventures of Ivan! For he is truly the Human in Equestria protagonist that FimFic needs, but doesn't deserve.
5329456
No, you want a really Russian name?
Alyosha.
You'd think that someone would have already pointed out how grossly inappropriate those were.
Welcome back, bob!
Hope you feel better.
5330660
Maybe they figured we humans were just perverted.
5330937 Merlos! You elusive old codger. You still owe me four bits, a pair of brass knuckles, and one snail-shaped pebble that sings O' Fortuna backwards when findangled!
Where ya been?
Oh man, that's just too funny. I agree that FimFiction needs more Ivan.
5331355
Fun story, and implying that Rarity has a few kinks is always good for a laugh. If only the shop had the usual human-style advertising posters on the walls, depicting equine sports and work scenes of Earth. Dressage, jumping, racing, western-style rodeo, ranching... Then the ponies wouldn't think we were perverts. They'd probably think we were slave-owners instead! Silly ponies.
Random thought... On the other hand, is there a fim fic out there where one of our favorite cartoon ponies meets up with an ordinary draft horse, and is horrified by the incredibly huge, nearly mindless monster? The conversation could easily turn to a respectful, "You domesticated these to pull your carriages? Awesome."
PS: Trivial thing here.
Treating my fellow equine like a piece of meat… literally
Cows are bovines, not equines.
Not important, really.
I can't think of anything to say, so I'll just say this was good.