I've been told I'm good at writing. I guess you'll have to be the judge of that. I'll certainly help you if you ask
Oh, Fluttershy. Poor, poor, poor, poor Fluttershy. If only she knew she could stop it. One word to her friends, and her life would be so much easier. She would have nothing to worry about. But she doesn't know, so she live in constant fear. Waiting for the next time. And there is always a next time...
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My question is...why? The story never explains why Rainbow did it nor why she felt regret doing it despite her continuing to do it. It would have made since if at first Rainbow didn't care but later on finally saw her error through some kind of karma, but Rainbow Dash abusing her while regretting it suggest that there had to be a reason behind it and why some alternative could have been made. Don't be discouraged, it was a good story, its just Rainbows behavior seems to be that of a bully and sociopath, which would make the confrontation scene worse,not better for Fluttershy sense she told, the way you wrote her however suggest that she didn't want to do it but saw no better alternative.
5568022 that would be the fault of those story gaps I mentioned in the A/N. It cut off some of that paragraph. I've put some of it back in, but I'd already removed the Gdoc, so it's not quite as full as it was.
Even without that,
it was addressed, even if it wasn't focused on. Hopefully it's better than before
Good, but please go into more detail. And please make it so Dashie picks a side! It really bothered me how Dash couldn't decide whether to defend herself or apologize. Also, Dash had no motivation! It could have been any of her schoolmates and the story wouldn't have changed much. Thanks.:pinkie happy: I liked it, though.
This is an interesting concept, and it could be an excellent story if it were done right. But your description of the characters feels stiff and forced, and you wrap it all up too quickly and neatly.
A bit too quick to fixing Rainbow Dash's "problem" but it is interesting idea in that this is the first time anypony.. err I mean anyone has ever suggested that Fluttershy's personality is the result of Rainbow Dash's abuse instead of her parents and it's not unheard of for a "friend" or two to be abusive in some shape, manner or form .......But all I'll really say about that fact is sadly I know all too well for a fact they really do exist....
5568706 well in truth, I only chose Dash because she knew Fluttershy the longest
5568710 I seem to have trouble with that when it comes to short stories. Perhalps you can give examples and ways I might fix it?
5568888 I find it a no-brainer. RBD was her friend since childhood and followed her to ponyville. Sorry to hear about your problems (don't take that the wrong way)
5583827 Hmm. Makes sense, though I still need the motivation.
5585171
that line indicates that she does it to relieve stress. If you want a different conclusion than that, you're on your own.
5583827 ; Eh; No problem; It was long time ago and I learned to read between the lines ages ago and it don't bother me anymore...Way I look at it now....it was their problem not mine.
I found myself lured here by curiosity of your stated problem in the Writer's Group forums with regards to immersion. I wanted some first hand experience with your writing so I could give you more constructive feedback than what I had already provided in that thread.
There are several very obvious things that, as an author, you could really benefit from improving. The very first and foremost of which is technical skill. If, while editing this story, you had payed half as much attention to the technical correctness of the sentences as you seem to do in the forums, you may have received more helpful responses with regards to immersion. That is the first thing, technical skill, the ability to follow the basic rules of grammar, punctuation, and sentence structuring. There are many places in the story where--aside from the obvious flat-out incorrect grammar, punctuation, and missing capitalization--that the structuring of the sentence (and the idea of the sentence) is totally ambiguous. This wasn't the first thing that I noticed, and didn't pick up on it until R.D. entered the scene. However, it is one of the most basic things (easiest to fix) that can impede immersion.
On a more difficult, yet more apparent note, the first thing I did notice is that there isn't a single line of "show" in the whole work. "Show don't tell" can be an ambiguous thing to define, so I'll just say that it stems from a simple idea. We, as people, do a majority of our communication through nonverbal conveyance. Over 90% of the information we convey in any given interaction is this type of information.
That means, not just telling people things. We emote, we have body language, and we stress emphasis in our dialogue (both internal and external). We don't need to tell people we're emphasizing things when we punctuate with action. Obviously, a story can't have these 9:1 ratios, but to have so little, if any at all, creates a wall between the author and the reader. A wall that makes the reader feel as if they're not experiencing a story, someone is just reporting one to them.
All in all, the neglectful technical writing, that I have evidence you know better shows us that you either don't respect your audience, or don't care about your work. Whether or not you feel that this is true it is what your writing is demonstrating. Further, the missing emotives and over reliance of "tell" makes it feel like we're only getting 5% of the story and not the worthwhile 5%.
There is a lot of advice that I could give you to improve in both of these areas, but your work suggests that you haven't even bothered experimenting yourself. That you haven't critically thought of just how people function on a basic level, which is why your characters don't feel like people, which in turn is why audiences can't get invested in them. That is the disconnect which make establishing immersion impossible.
Lastly, I did in fact thumb down the story. I felt that, as an author who has brought better technical writing to the forums, you have wasted my time here by not bringing the same level of technical writing to your arguably more important work.
5712126 thank you for your time`and feedback
Why is it that whenever I get a comment about my grammar, they never give an example. I think my problem with that aspect comes from editing it for too little time, and I need better pre-readers. The thing is, in LA I get almost perfect with the grammar. I definitely spend more time worrying over grammar in stories than the forum posts that I barely reread.
I definitely failed in avoiding that problem, unfortunately. I've never been particularly bad with that apparently.
"punctuate with action"? I've no idea what that's supposed to mean.
when you say you have evidence that shows I know better, re you referring to the forums again? Because all I do for those is look for a missing word and the red line.
To be honest, those complaints about the characters not feeling like people, that is the EXACT same complaint I got when I wrote stories about myself. Apparently I'm not human, so I have trouble understanding them. Also, as far as experimenting goes, writing for a character that's not mine is definitely new to me, especially since I'm used to characters that are always planning, but I've had quite the experimentation and variety. Maybe I don't show it, but I do have the experimentation.
All in all, I think my stupidity rushed the work far too much, and I put too much faith in my pre-readers. Although I can't explain the whole shift from the technical skill of my unedited forum posts being missed in my writing where I do edit things a lot.
5712714 I don't typically leave direct example feedback on a story page because, if the story is changed, then the comment isn't relevant anymore. So I'll PM you the details directly.
I HAVE 14 WORDS FOR YOU!: IT'S A VERY BAD STORY NEVER EVER HURT FLUTTERSHY EVEN IN A JOKE STORY!
5780007 side note i just like good Fluttershy/Flutterbat ,Discord ,Vinyl and Lyra storys