A Short Ride To The Middle Of Nowhere

Applejack gets on the train to visit somepony close to her. Only...she doesn't know how she got on.

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TwiwnB

TwiwnB #1 · Jan 4th, 2015 · · ·

Tell me what you think.

I think you did a very good job.
It was easy to understand, never felt manipulative and had a good atmosphere that made me forget to question the lore developped behind it. All in all, a pleasant read.

The only thing that sort of bugged me is that passage:

Seeing no pony else moved to look back out the window. She was in the middle of doing so when she froze.

It feels like there is a word missing in the first sentence, but if a "she" was added, it would create a repetition... But my mastery of english might just not be good enough.

I'm also, now that I think about it, not sure about that sentence:

She frowned, more than a little confused.

I first thought I just didn't understand it right, but now, I'm really questionning what confusion is doing in the middle of that paragraph where nothing explains it. Of course it can be a hint to her peculiar situation, but at the same time, it doesn't go well with the rest of the paragraph.
Once again, maybe some english subtelty that escapes my grasp.

I mostly like the structure of the story. Beginning with twilight (hint for a dream or the passing to the other world), the show the stallion first as a normal passenger, then show the other normal passenger and only then come back to him, with the little hint:

She didn't even know there was somepony next to her.

The rest of the story, in my opinion, relies on a fast rythm to work the way it does. Just as Applejack, the reader has very little time to react and think about how to react, which makes every potential plothole get overlooked to focus on the important thing.

***

Nitpicking beginning...

"What if Ah don't want tuh be on the train?"

I'm not sure why you decided to make her ask that question first. It would make sense as the instinct of survival kicking in, but nothing shows she is worried of being dead:

The sound of his voice unleashed made her feel warm and she swallowed,

"Well, you're on the train." He said.

This can be considered as both the best and the worst part of the story. On one hand, it keeps the whole mystery of the situation intact while still providing an answer that gives the reader the information he thinks he needs. Behind that sentence, there is the whole idea of the train taking away the dead and the idea that this is common knowledge for ponies and completely accepted.
On the other hand, it asks why Applejack is on that train to begin with, why she is authorized to get off, why the stallion is here too and why not the mare... my worst interpretation being that he had almost kidnapped AJ to convince her to come with him before it was time.

Also, if a train takes the deads away, why would they burry the bodies?
Oh yeah, I remember... it doesn't matter .

***

It was a pleasant read. And on a personal level:

still staring at his features, not daring to blink in case the sight before her was take away if she did.

God do I know that situation...
(and isn't it "taken away"?)

Summer Dancer

Summer Dancer #2 · Jan 10th, 2015 · · ·

This was good! This made me feel...relaxed and kind of sad at the same time I like how you set this up, and the ending was really sweet I wonder what happened to A.J., but I know that's supposed to be mysterious Nice work!