I'm just a former writer who's now a full blown TF2 brony. I'm also the starting engineer on a highlander team that's gonna start competing next season. Feel free to add me on Steam. :D
After trying unsuccessfully attempting to travel to CHS through the portal to visit Twilight's human friends, the Mane 6 and the CMC end up in a mysterious and violent place called Mann Co where they are forced to enlist for Team BLU in their attempt to get supremacy in Mann Co.
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Now, the concept and Medic's reaction are awesome. But there is a huge list of errors that are must-fixes.
-Chapter lengths are way too short. I could not read this without pressing next every 5 seconds.
-Your detail is good, but you need more elaboration. They are 2 different things, I learned that myself the hard way.
-How the HELL do they know that they are a tv show? That is the biggest plot hole I can think of. I can probably show you some parts that could be easily fixed, if you want me to go into detail.
Those are must-fixes, and there are plenty more fixes to be made, but aren't needed. Such as:
More punctuation
More dialogue
Foreshadowing
More Button Mash
ButtonBelle
Bloody gore
HATS I TELL YOU, HATS!! (This is actually a need)
Hats, hats everywhere
So yeah. If you want, I'll PM you a better version of the ending to this chapter.
I agree with ButtonMash here. It needs wore details, explanations, an editor, less plot holes, and more hats! Hats are a must. Also, I don't believe the ponies and old be so readily accepting of the violence and the mercs so accepting of the random appearance of TV show characters. Add a little disbelief and self doubts before going full "WTF oh well just roll with it."
I should let you know Herr author if Scunt is the main merc I will be forced to purge your heresy.
Aa a tf2 player, I endorse this.
5683336 Could you actually do that? I wanna see how you think this chapter should've ended.
Is it okay if I advertise here? I wrote one of these too.
5696884 Yeah sure. Go right ahead. I have no problem with that. :)
5696884 please, show the reads.
5714637
I see you've found them already.
War of Mann Co. has a sequel, by the way. I'm working on it right now.
5714713 Yep. Just read first 2-3 chapts. This other dude should look at your stuff, he'll learn elaboration. But from what I've seen, Soldure and the others (except for Spy) need to be a little* less sane in your fic. Maybe a revision is in order?
*not at all sane, just under batsh*t
5714740
A lot more substance is given to all the characters in the sequel. I tend to build a lot more on things as I move along. The earliest chapters of my earliest stories tend to be my least developed, naturally.
5714784 True. But hats why you never look up my stories, they ship too much for violence, and are probably crap
Are we all just gonna forget that TF2 takes place before even the Gen 1 ponies were around? It wouldn't even be possible for them to have an inkling of who they are.
How the hell do they know that they are part of a tv show!? Where are the hats?!? I. NEED. ANSWORZ.